Harry got all emo over Dobby's death.

"I'm going to dig his grave like a fucking Muggle!" He bellowed in my face when I helpfully suggested it might be easier to use magic.

"Well it's your fucking funeral," I spat, storming back inside my brother's cottage.

What a fucking martyr.

"He's grieving," Hermione explained as I brought her up some soup.

"He didn't act like this when his fucking bird got blown to smithereens." I muttered.

"It's not quite the same, Ronnie," Hermione said tentatively, wincing as she propped herself up on the pillows. "Dobby was his friend."

"He was a house-elf!" I spluttered. "He used to wash Draco's dirty laundry!"

I soon regretted that when I was treated to a two hour lecture about fucking S.P.E.W.

We then spent fucking weeks stuck in this crappy cottage whilst Harry insisted we conspire with that goblin he brought back with us to plan a bank robbery.

"But I thought we were hunting Horcruxes to save the world from evil?" I asked, rubbing my head in confusion as Hermione went over the plan with me for the millionth time. "Surely Harry isn't that hard up for cash?"

"It is to find a Horcrux! Don't you ever listen, Ronnie?" Hermione implored.

"Not really," I shrugged, "I'm too busy worrying what crap Fleur is going to cook up for our next meal. And I thought the French could cook."

So off we popped to Diagon Alley, Hermione trussed up as Draco's aunt and me looking like a fucking Transylvanian devil.

"Just pretend you don't speak English!" Harry hissed from underneath the security of his Invisibility Cloak as I voiced my fear of not knowing how to pull off a Romanian accent.

I tugged uncomfortably at my long ginger beard, praying I wouldn't bump into Draco looking like this. I was pretty sure it would kill any chance of ever having sex with him again.

As luck would have it, there was some kind of disenchantment fountain on our way down to Bellatrix's vault so I was finally back to my awesome self.

Unfortunately though, it also meant the fuckers were onto us, and we only had a small window of time for Harry to hurry up and get the fucking Hufflepuff cup and arrange for a dragon to yeet us the fuck out of there.

"Well I think Hogwarts is where the next Horcrux is." Harry declared as we were dumped unceremoniously into a fucking lake.

At least they had decent food there.

*****

Turns out Dumbledore fucking murdered his sister.

"I always knew there was something dodgy about that dude," I said knowingly to Hermione as we watched Harry cry about it.

"I think it was an accident, Ronnie," Hermione said reasonably.

"Whatever." I shrugged.

Anyway, we found ourselves back in Hogwarts and Harry was getting all fucking big headed and shit as everyone applauded him in the Room of Requirement.

Having had enough of it, I grabbed Hermione and took her down to the Chamber of Secrets where we destroyed the Hufflepuff Cup with a basilisk fang.

"Oh Ronnie, I could kiss you!" Hermione exclaimed, throwing her arms around me.

"Sorry, I don't swing that way," I muttered, wondering if Draco was lurking somewhere in the castle. Destroying a Horcrux had got me horny.

We met back up with Harry in the Great Hall where he came strutting in, giving the big man's speech to Snape.

"God he can be so fucking embarrassing sometimes," I muttered to Hermione as he started yelling at Snape for daring to stand in a spot where Dumbledore had once stood.

I mean where was he supposed to stand?

Some shit with wands happened and Snape flew out of the window like a bat.

"I'm confused, isn't that more of a vampire thing? I thought we were wizards?" I asked Hermione who shook her head and told me to just go with it.

Voldemort then decided to join the party, threatening to slaughter an entire school of kids if they didn't hand over their classmate.

Amazingly enough only one person seemed keen to actually do this. And Professor McGonagall decided to judge the whole house on that one voice and locked the Slytherins up in the dungeons.

Well fucking done Pansy.

McGonagall then went on to talk about preparing the castle for a battle.

"For a fucking what now?!" I spluttered. "I thought we were just here to find a Horcrux. I did not sign up this! And how is this battle meant to be fair? It's a bunch of unqualified school kids against an army of blood thirsty, properly trained maniacs!"

"Just shut up and help me find a tiara!" Harry bellowed as he pulled me out of the Great Hall.

"Why? Do we have to dress up for this battle then?" I asked.

"No Ronnie, it's the lost diadem - the Horcrux!" Hermione explained as we ran through the castle.

"But where is it?" I asked, not even sure where the hell we were running to.

"In the room where I hid my potions book!" Harry said as if I was meant to understand what the fuck he was on about.

And he opened a door on the seventh floor to the hugest fucking room ever which was full of the most crap I had ever seen in my entire life.

"I just don't remember where."

Oh for fuck's sake.

*****