Me: I wanna write about New Year feelings—

Me: shut up that's what everyone else is writing about, we don't want to be like them

Me: b-but we do

Me: NO! PRECIOUS! GOLLUM!

... that got dark fast.

Sup everybody, three of my keys are sticking and it's slowly driving me insane, as you may have witnessed

Well, maybe it's not the sole causal factor, but it's certainly a contributor of significant proportions.

Anyway, I feel as if my personality has been entirely split today between an angry, sociopathic, boiling mess and a detached but happy character who's doing great. If that doesn't describe me the entirety of this past month I don't know what does.

I thought I was doing pretty good until December and then I dunno what the heck hit?? but I'd like it to stop.

Actually, I'll be honest, I've been trending downhill since September, I was just lying to myself. Sigh. You think you've got your life under control and then you get a new job and your functionality levels plummet in a direct correlation to your anxiety.

And then there are intensely happy moments where I cry?? like when I realize how much my friends love me and I'm not sure why they still do but that's wonderful???

I feel like I just... want to take a nap. Except that I want to stay up till 5 a.m., if the past two weeks are any indication.

Have I conveyed how confused I am with myself yet?

I'm going to be 21 in 5.5 months and I really don't want to think about that. But it's also kinda cool, you know.

I don't really want to think about the fact that it's 2021 now, but it's also a consecutive two-digit sequence and that's cool.

I should probably fix my sleep schedule... wonder how many problems that would solve :3 *kicks bad habits under the rug, pauses, and then carefully brings them out and dusts them off* s'okay bad habits, we'll put you in some therapy soon

Anyway, for a look back, I actually fixed my sleep schedule several times this year, and it hasn't been as bad as it got in 2019, so there's a plus. I won't say I'm more stable mentally because if you haven't figured out, I don't know what I am. But I've got a group of friends who I feel entirely safe opening up to about my issues (some of them, I mean, gotta keep SOME secrets buried in the cozy dark where they've been for the past decade) so there's another plus.

I've decided I hate goals. But at the same time, some of my goals for this year really worked out and have been impressively beneficial.

Why are the constants in my life actually falling apart at the seams??? Could I get some CONSISTENCY? Aren't questioning phases like this supposed to happen in early adolescence? I feel cheated. Where did MY life go wr—

*quotes Romans 8:28 to self with a pained expression*

*eyes my keyboard* You have not been sticking at all this entire chapter. What is Wrong with you?

*gestures to the audience* This is not what I was talking about with consistency failures, but hey, now it's just another thing on the list.

Anyway... I feel very wrung-out and dirty by this point (for reasons both listed and unlisted). I don't really want to hear any affirmations of what a good person I am, so I hope they're not forthcoming, but if you have any reasons you love me in spite of my many well-concealed and poorly-concealed flaws, go for it. I hope I'll love people better this year. Get my perspective off myself so much.

And, because for some reason I am the stupidest optimist in the world, I know I'm going to feel better about things in the morning. At pessimistic moments like these, I wonder why I bother. Good grief, why am I crying right now?

Am I actually going to hit publish on this?? No, no please don't do that.

You know you will. Whyyyyy are you like this

I swear

It was not my intention to introduce you all to 700 words of my internal thought process today, but sure why not. Pure Unfiltered Ver at 1 in the morning. 2021 here we come.