A/N: Surprise Update! I wrote this story from start to end in one day today, and am uploading this before I regret it. I am unsure if people enjoy fourth wall breaking, but I am giving the warning that if you don't, do not read this part. Please leave comments stating if you liked my attempt at a humorous, comedic story like this, or if I did really badly and should just go back to what I'm used to writing.

[I Don't Want To Be A Protagonist!]

Personality: Post-DMC5 Vergil

This is a story about another day in the Devil May Cry office. The routine went on normally with the Sparda Brothers who inhabited this building: Dante had woken up in the morning, taken a few bites out of his leftover pizza, sighed when the electricity was cut off once again, sat his ass down on his usual seat, opened a random magazine on the table to a random page, applied the open magazine onto his face, then slept. His brother was no more active than him: Vergil had similarly woken up, silently made himself a cup of coffee before the water and electricity had gone off, sat his ass down on the couch at the side of the large office space, opened his favourite book of poems, and had basically read the rest of the day away. It was all peaceful.

Until the doors burst open, and in came running a lean young woman. On her feet wore combat boots that ran halfway up her shins, and above that wore comfortable beige cotton pants suitable for hunting. Her clean image was paired with a black cotton inner shirt and a loose hunting jacket that was halfway zipped up. On her hip hung an arrow pouch, and slung across her back was her folded hunting bow held tightly on its holster.

"You two have your asses attached to something again?" Alex demanded at the sight of both men still deeply engaged in their usual activities, neither having reacted to her exploding into the room. It was ridiculous; how these two men had been able to survive this whole time ever since coming back from the Nightmare of Red Grave. When she had first been introduced to this pair through a friend, Alex had thought that they were impressive and admirable, even. Now, after having understood their daily lifestyle, however, she could only liken these two leeches to the male version of her sisters-in-law.

Alex came from a well-to-do family, and that meant that there were always gold-diggers aiming for them. And, unfortunate as it may seem, her elder brothers had been too unguarded and had been captured by rings on their forth fingers to leeches that behaved as if the wealth they had obtained was water. Alex had never had much communication with them but-

Wait, wait. Don't go further with this explanation. Keep the focus on the Sparda brothers.

"Come on, I'm here! There's a job and demons to kill! Get those ugly asses moving!" Alex demanded, stalking to the table and slamming the table a few times to wake the sleeping veteran demon hunter up.

"You are a capable demon hunter." Vergil said from the couch, not even looking up from his book while Dante stretched and yawned lazily at the slamming. "If there are demons that require you to ask for help, then they would have made much bigger news or would already have destroyed this place."

A capable demon hunter. It was hard to believe that Vergil, the proud and arrogant elder twin of Dante Sparda was acknowledging Alex as a capable demon hunter. This was coming from the same man who refused to acknowledge Lady as anything more than a human tottering around with guns. But Alex had fought for that acknowledgement, had shed blood, tears and sweat to gain that recognition. Though she was not viewed as a threat by the all-mighty Vergil, the man still recognised her skills and capabilities through all that hard work and-

Stop, please! Don't focus on me. The main characters are right in front of you! Focus on Dante and Vergil, and not on me! Nobody wants to know who this Alex person is, and how the heck I fought to get recognition from Vergil. Just move on with the story.

Actually....... the reason why I am focusing on your backstory so much is because I don't have much planned for this storyline, Alex. I need to bring in a character like you and create your background.

I get that you have to add in your own characters or it might get boring, but please don't focus on me too much. I'm just a supporting character for the Sparda Twins.

I actually wanted to make you the protagonist...

I don't want to be a protagonist! Why would you want to make a new protagonist when we already have so many? We have Dante, Nero and Vergil!

Yeah, but in many of my previous one-shots it has always been them. I wanted to spice things up a little...

Are you even keeping track of the stories that you have been uploading? The past three parts have all had your own characters! There was Alyssa, who was Vergil's wife and Nero's mom. Then before that there was Lucifer. And then there was Mora, the little sister! Can you stop creating new characters for a few parts? Your readers are going to be real tired of your shit. They came here to read about Vergil. This book title is called Vergil's Oneshots! Why are you not using him as the main character?

B-But...

Listen to me and focus on Vergil and Dante and just make me the supporting character. Just like Lady and Trish.

Ugh. Fine. Back to the story it is, then:

"Fine." Dante yawned the agreement so hard that tears were beginning to form at the corner of his eyes. "My back is beginning to hurt from sleeping too long anyway. Lead the way."

Alex grinned at the unexpected acceptance of the job, turning back to give the elder brother an expectant look. Vergil rarely let his younger brother go anywhere alone anymore (save the bathrooms), because of a very-strange and unfounded belief that Dante would take the chance to run away from meeting Vergil's challenge at any time.

"If he goes, I go." The man declared upon receiving the expectant look, clapping his book closed and leaving it on the couch beside him as he rose to his height.

Now that they were both standing, Alex was once more reminded by how towering and impressive these two lazy men were. Their broad shoulders had probably come from many years of swinging heavy swords around, but the fact still remained that their shoulder breadth was probably twice of hers. The excuse could be made that Alex was also a smaller individual in comparison to the average for demon hunters, but the threatening factor that the Sparda Twins exuded just by standing was particular as well.

"Aren't you bringing your sword too?" Alex asked when both men walked slowly to the coat rack to grab their outerwear, then began to make for the door.

"I doubt that whatever you have in mind for us requires a sword." Vergil answered evenly. "Bringing Dante is already an overkill."

Alex didn't comment because it was exactly as Vergil had predicted. She had only come bursting into the Devil May Cry office because she hadn't seen the men in action in ages, and the demonic occurrence happened to be nearby. Lady –her best friend –turned out to be rather busy at the other side of the town too, so Alex had immediately thought of inviting the Sparda Twins to the hunt with the idea of providing them with some exercise as well as refreshing her memory of them slaying demons with their usual flashiness. Since her primary weapon of choice was a bow, the range of flashiness she could achieve with it was much lower than using a broadsword like the Devil Sword Dante, or a katana like Yamato. And geeking out about using flashy move sets was typically Alex's hobby whenever she was-

Again! Please move on!

Right. Our uncooperative character followed the Sparda Twins out of the office, and wordlessly led them towards where she had received news of the demonic outbreak. Ever since the Nightmare of Red Grave, there hadn't been many souls who had been brave enough to move back to terror-central. But of those brave souls that had come back –the uncooperative character included –had learnt over time not to freak out at the scene of demons climbing out from the ground in front of them. There was no use in freaking out anyway; getting either weapons out, or getting the hell out of the demons' way were the only two options that ensured survival.

In uncooperative character's case, getting her weapons out was the chosen option as she readied her bow with an arrow already loaded.

"I will hang back. Dante can deal with this with his eyes closed." Vergil announced, but his eyes were staring straightly on Alex. If Alex had called the twins here to watch them fight, Vergil had turned the tables on her: he was here to watch her fight. That look of significance that Vergil gave her made her aware of the expectations that he had of her to show him her improvement since the last time. It also, unfortunately, made her remember of back when-

Miss Author, if you do this one more time, I am going to drag in another character to take the limelight. I have told you; I want to be the supporting character, so don't focus on my thoughts or my background. Focus on Vergil's thoughts –Dante's thoughts, at the very least.

Focusing on Dante's thoughts is practically useless, Alex. Now that he has Vergil obediently by his side and Nero going out and doing the important missions in his stead, all that old man thinks about is sleep, getting the occasional demon hunting done, what pizza topping to get for dinner, and when he can get a nice shower. It does not make for an entertaining story at all. My readers will unsubscribe from my books.

Then focus on Vergil's thoughts or something. If you run out of ideas, I'll bring Nero into the scene. You can write another story about a father-son bond again.

Again? I've done so many parts about that. People are going to get bored unless I come up with something new. Work with me, Alex.

You can think of something. Give me a moment; I will bring Nero in.

And so, Alex escaped in the midst of the mess that was Dante's creation to fetch the twins' junior in the industry despite the fact that the demon horde was low level and could easily be dealt with within moments. Vergil watched with curiosity as Alex cleared a straight path, dashing through her cleared path immediately and jumping into the phone booth sitting at the corner.

Leaving his younger brother to the job, Vergil teleported to the phone booth just as the woman lifted the phone off its cradle, inserted a quick coin and began punching in numbers.

"Who are you calling with such impeccable timing?" He asked, leaning close to get a good look at the number series being thumbed.

"Your son. I need help here." Alex answered quickly, turning and leaning against the opposite wall of the phone booth away from the half-demon who was invading her personal space.

Vergil enjoyed the woman's futile attempt to lengthen the distance between them, smirking as he stepped directly into the phone booth instead, filling up the space quickly with his size and forcing the Alex to back up against the wall of booth to create even just a single sheen of air between them.

"What are you doing? Get out of the booth, Vergil." She exclaimed, trying her best to step out of the booth, but the length of the phone cord stopped her from doing so. The ring tone still continued by her ear as she put a hand on the man's arm, trying her best to shove him to the side. The phone booth was really not big enough for her, her bow and a Sparda man.

"I am curious about what sort of help you think you require from my son. To ask such an insolent young man to come for this mission when you are perfectly capable of laying waste to those pathetic beings outside there; what can you possibly be thinking about?" Vergil looked down at Alex with his unfaltering smirk.

For some reason, the older twin of Sparda had always taken sick pleasure in putting Alex in her place. Vergil had initially been somewhere between disgust and amusement when she was first introduced to a human demon hunter using bow by Dante's acquaintance Lady. He had never assumed bow to be an effective weapon choice for demon hunting –particularly when it came to large boss-level demons. In fact, when comparison became necessary for forming first impressions, Vergil had even thought that Lady –that woman that tottered around with guns and grenades pretending to be a fierce hunter -made better weapon choices than Alex.

But that impression had been turned all over the moment Vergil watched Alex hunt. There was cold, calculative effectiveness in the way the woman moved and drew her bow. Her skills with her weapon was tremendous, and it had been one of the very few times Vergil had been made to reconsider the biases he had made on first impressions. Nero had been the first time Vergil was made to reconsider, but it had been because Vergil found out the boy's parentage. Alex was the second time Vergil had to admit that he thought wrong; and the woman had done it with her sheer ability.

It was a special form of curiosity that Vergil had for the woman. She was a full-human, and yet she conquered demons easily. Vergil had to go through years of experience juggling between his demon and human side, and she had accomplished almost the same amount by depending solely on her humanity and wits. To say that she interested him was the least of it. Vergil was intrigued; the woman held a very special place in his-

STOP! What the heck are you writing?

I am making you Vergil's object of interest, that's what.

I don't want to be a protagonist! Why are you making me Vergil's love interest?

Object of interest, not love interest. Besides, this isn't anything special: I have given him lots of lovers in the previous parts.

I don't want to be in his interest! Do you know how many readers will kill me just because they want Vergil to stay free-swinging single? Add that number to the readers who still want to know about the woman in red that Vergil had Nero with; that's the amount of crazy fans who are going to hate me if you make me Vergil's interest!

Would you rather be Dante's interest, then? I can still save this.

No, being Dante's interest is still going to make me a protagonist. I want to be a supporting character! Someone with just a small insignificant part in the plot. Someone like Morrison or Patty.

I can't possibly introduce a new character of my making and make her an insignificant individual, can I? That's a complete waste of all the effort I put into writing you and setting up your relationships with Dante and Vergil.

I'm fine with it! Just make me a lamppost or something! I'll even play third wheel when Nero and Kyrie kiss or something!

I'm definitely not creating a story like that. The NeroxKyrie fans will hunt me down. And are you sure you can take your time to protest with me, Alex? Vergil is still staring down at you. And Nero is still on the line.

What the- Okay, but you better make sure I get out of this stupid awkward situation!

"Uh.... Ehem. Yeah, is this Nico? Nero?" Alex cleared her throat, breaking eye contact with the man who had squeezed himself into the phone booth with her.

"Alex? That you?" Nero's crisp voice came, and she breathed a mental sigh of relief to hear that he was still in the mobile Devil May Cry van from the background sounds.

"Yeah. Are you in the area?"

"According to Nico, minutes away. Why?"

"Um. I dragged your dad and uncle out of the office. Dante's getting rid of the demons now. Do you want to join in on the fun?" Alex answered nervously, feeling the heat of Vergil's intense stare on her as she averted her eyes.

"I'm not sure why you're calling for that, but sure. I'm in the area anyway. I'll send Nico back first." Nero's dutiful answer came back, and Alex breathed a full sigh of relief now as she sent the phone back to its cradle.

"By the time Nero reaches, Dante would already be done with that mess." Vergil commented as he followed the woman out of the cramped phone booth, this time his smirk falling away to a curious expression. He never liked not being able to understand or read a person, and this time Alex's actions were a little too perplexing for him to make any sense of.

I am not perplexing; I'm trying not to be the main character!

Vergil had no idea about that. To him, it appeared that the woman had called them out for a very simple exercise, but had frantically dashed towards the phone booth to call his son for help when there had been absolutely no need to. Was she uncomfortable around him and Dante and needed a buffer? While Nero was also another big-talking, arrogant runt, Vergil was forced to admit that at least his son had a girlfriend to teach him the socially-appropriate ways of holding a conversation.

"It's not what you think!" Alex jumped to say. "I just thought maybe you'd like to meet Nero again after so long."

Him? Want to meet his arrogant son? Hardly. Vergil had no intention to fulfil his role as a father; there was absolutely no need or obligation for him to teach Nero anything anyway. Nero had already grown into a full man capable of taking care of himself. Sure, the man was still brash and reckless, but in terms of daily survival, Nero was clearly doing better than Dante.

"I called him here because I wanted to tell him that I..." Alex hesitated, a small blush rising up her neck.

What the heck? I'm not hesitating, and I'm not blushing! What are you trying to make me do? Stop it!

"You what?" Vergil prompted, not about to tell the woman that his son was already in sight and earshot –approaching them from the woman's back.

"I like him!" Alex blurted.

WHAT?!? No way! That's disgusting! Why are you making me a homewrecker?!

I can't create a character that's insignificant, Alex. If you don't want to be a protagonist, then I'm going to make you an antagonist. I think the readers will like a story where father and son fights for the same girl. It's sensational and it makes good news.

Are you forgetting about Kyrie?!? Nero loves her! Devil May Cry 4 was literally about how Nero went through all that shit to protect and save Kyrie!

I'm sure there's a way to sideline that. Look, I can even write something like this: Kyrie had decided to take a break from her quarter-demonic boyfriend ever since he returned from the Nightmare of Red Grave, struggling to deal with the fact that Nero's father had been responsible for the thousands of deaths due to the demonic tree. Kyrie might have been able to forgive the deaths in Fortuna because they had been manipulated unknowingly by the evil Order of the Sword, but things were harder to accept now that she understood that Nero's father had a completely clear mind and untainted conscience when he summoned the demon tree.

Stop this! You can't make the only steady romantic relationship in the series breakdown like that! You're going to ruin dreams!

I can write anything I want, Alex. I am the author, remember?

But you're writing a Devil May Cry fanfiction! You have to stick to facts!

Yeah, but I can change their feelings and relationship dynamics. There is reason why I am not hired by Capcom's writing team and am sitting at home writing fanfictions while you are there in this make believe world sandwiched between father and son.

I give up! Do whatever you want with me, I give up!

Alex buried her face in her hands, defeated.

"You like him?" Vergil asked in disbelief, meeting the eyes of his frozen son who had heard everything from the back. "Now, that is a story worth listening to."

"I don't know how it started at all..." Alex moaned into her hands unwillingly. "But someone wanted me to play the antagonist in a love story and now I'm becoming a homewrecker. I'm being made into the stereotype of a slutty woman who seduces the son and father at the same time!"

"Um, Alex..." Nero spoke up uncertainly from behind, though Alex didn't have to turn to know that the man had heard every single one of her words.

The young demon hunter had been taken by pleasant surprise to know that someone so capable that his own father had acknowledged was confessing her feelings about him, but Nero didn't view Alex the same way. If anything, Alex was more like a little sister to him –she was of a smaller stature, and reminded him of a baby tiger given how fierce she could be when she wanted to be, and cute at all other times. But to see her like a romantic partner?

"How did you ever get the idea that I was interested in your romantically?" Vergil scoffed once, but this amused smirk still hung on his face. "Do you truly think I would bother about those pesky feelings? No; my interest in you has always been the strength of your humanity, and a curiosity to see how well you will fare against Nero or other quarter demons."

For God's sake, can you stop making me look like such a pathetic person if you wanted me to be the protagonist in the first place? You are literally making me confess to two men who have absolutely zero interest in me romantically!

Don't worry, I got your back.

"What a sweet family reunion, and I'm being kicked to the side to clean up your ass?" Dante demanded as he dropped down from the air beside Alex, jolting the woman all of a sudden. "At least have the decency of cleaning the stage before reuniting the whole Sparda family."

"Whole Sparda family, you say?" Vergil raised his brow, turning to his brother who looked completely unscathed. "Alex, while a good demon huntress, hardly belongs in the bloodline."

"Women don't have to be in the bloodline to form familial relationships." The younger brother answered easily, a hand landing on Alex's shoulder with an easy smile and a nod of greeting towards his nephew.

Where are you going with this...? I don't like this one bit, Miss Author.

"Did I forget to tell you guys? I made Alex lie about liking the two of you." Dante grinned, another hand ruffling the top of Alex's carefully braided blonde hair to her irritation.

Trust me, my irritation right now is about something else entirely.

"I got the sense that Alex wasn't capable of something as insane as this. What's up with you, Dante? Are you turning senile?" Nero asked, looking somewhere between amused and irritated.

"No, I just wanted to see your reactions if Alex said she likes you two." The man answered. "I was prepared to kill anyone who says that they reciprocate her feelings."

"Kill me?" Vergil scoffed. "We have yet to settle that score."

"Kill us for liking Alex back?" Nero's expression settled on confusion now. "Can somebody start making some sense here?"

Yes, can you please start making sense, Miss Author?

"Sure, I'll spell it out for you. I'll kill any of you if you liked Alex, because she belongs to me. We're getting married, and I wanted to get rid of anyone who might be thinking of being a wedding crasher." The hand that was on Alex's shoulder slid down her arm to hold her hands, interlacing their fingers.

WHAT THE-

Okay, this plot twist is one too many. I'm stopping this story here.

The End.

See you again in the next part, my dear readers, and as always I appreciate your support!