Huh, I guess I'm not allowed to have a month 'vent-free' ig.

Warning, uh, talk about unaliving oneself? Or death upon oneself? I dont even know tbh- it just gets bad, and I do apologize for that.

Anyways, I sure do "love" it when my 'grandmother' talks sh*t about my dad, then continues to invalidate me, then leave me. I said I'd take care of the animals myself, but she was like "NOOOooOoOoOo, I'll do it myself" like-???? 

DTRGYUIKPL 

I hate this. I hate it when people dont wait three. damn. seconds for me. I hate it when people invalidate my feelings, my needs, all of that, and I HATE it when people talk sh*t about my dad.

Worst part? I woke up today from a dream of having almost drowned to death. I dont even remember if thats what I was dreaming of, I just remember waking up, mad that I was disturbed from that dream of drowning. I just remember my thoughts going like "Dammit? Why did you have to wake me up!? I was almost dead! I almost drowned!"

Now, onto the 'funny' thing. 

Yesterday, my 'grandmother' said 'DO yOU WaNT A psYChIaTrIsT?' with the most smug grin ever, like she caught me. It took me a moment to respond, but I answered 'yes, maybe they'd be able to help me.'

I know damn well I need one, but I also know I'll never get the help I need because I'm just 'an ugly rat' or 'a money maker' or even 'that thing'

Makes me hate myself more than I should.

Maybe, if I was born a guy, I would've never been favored by Omi. Maybe, if she never favored me, she'd still be alive to see a grandaughter. Maybe, If i was born a guy, I would be respected a bit more. MAYBE if I wasn't part of the LGBTQ+ community, I wouldn't be so INVALIDATED all the time.

MAYBE if my dad had listened to 8yo me when I said "I think I have depression, I've been having suicidal thoughts" (dont self diagnose please), I could've gotten help sooner.

Maybe, if someone had done SOMETHING, I wouldn't be this damn socially awkward with trust issues. Maybe I wouldn't be so needy, maybe I wouldn't be so annoying???

Maybe if I actually got the sleep I needed, and was a normal person, people would like me, maybe if I get the help I need, I wouldn't have had considered death as an option as many times as I have.

Am i in a good mental state? No. Do I want to be? Yes. Can I get that help I need? No.

How long will it take before these people realize I need help? How long will it be before they actually kick me out for 'disrespect'?

How long will it take before someone ends up in jail? Who would end up in jail? Where would I go? What would I do? 

Each day I'm alive, I just wish I wasn't. Each day, I feel like my life is getting worse, and worse. 

My mother is already stealing from me, so where's the proof it'll get better?

"Oh, they're fine, I'm a good parent! No major hospitalizations yet, no deaths!" - My mother

If thats what makes you a good parent, then why was my dad, with the same reputation, classified as a bad parent?

If thats what makes you a good parent, then why do I have a better relationship with my dad than with you?

Gods I hate america.