Feeling bleh lately. Luckily, my English teacher is making us read 'The Giver' by Lois Lowry, a great dystopian that I really like. I found a quote-

"He didn't want the memories, din't want the honor, didn't want the wisdom, didn't want the pain. He wanted his childhood again, his scraped knees and ball games. He sat in his dwelling alone, seeing children at play, citizens bicycling home from uneventful days at work, ordinary lives free of anguish because he had been selected, as others before him had, to bear their burden." (Page 152)

----------

Of course, this is Jonas having a hard time being the Receiver, soon Giver. The community Elders don't want the citizens to know about the outside world, war, certain animals, and other things. Jonas has to get them transferred to him and nobody else.

But for me, it's about me being non-binary. As it goes on, from me finding the meaning of it to noticing that I AM it. I hear people say that being non-binary is great for me, I don have to be any gender, that I'm amazingly unique. But they aren't. They don't get the true disphoria or anthing like that.

I'm out to most of my close friends, but a certain Ryan I'm not out to. I'm genuinely afraid for myself and Alex.

FYI, Alex is a close friend of mine. they're questioning their gender/sexuality, and I'm slowly helping them. We won't be able to talk freely about it until we meet in person. Both of us are unsure about our families, and them hearing us talk about this in the other room won't be fun. I'm planning on talking about it with them during breaks/PE when we get back.

----------

" "Asher," Jonas said. He was trying to speak carefully, and with kindness, to say exactly what he wanted to say. "You had no way of knowing this. I didn't know it myself until recently. But it's a cruel game. In the past, there have--"

"I said I apologize, Jonas."

Jonas sighed. It was no use. Of course Asher couldn't understand. "I accept your apology, Asher," he said warily." (Page 169)

----------

In this scene, Jonas had just broken up a game of war. Kids played with imaginary guns, and older kids pretended to be shot by the smaller ones. None of them knew about actual war and guns, and Jonas had only just been transferred the memory of war. Asher is his friend, and doesn't get what Jonas is saying, not even giving him time to speak.

I take this, to myself and circumstances. I've had people in my grade say immensely hurtful things. I try to stop them, they say it's nothing, doesn't matter, go away. 

People also often just make fun of things, joke about things they don't know the meaning of. A person in my grade(Not a HC fan nor viewer) was joking about Scar's nickname, then made a grim reference and movement that I won't say nor mention. I can say that I turned red as a tomato, while the others in the group laughed, not watching HC themselves. I felt outraged, uncomfortable, and hurt all at once. My brain filled u with bad thoughts aout Scar and X(He's talked about some dark things of which was mentioned in the 'joke'), but I wasn't brave enough to point it out. I just gave a short, stony look to the 3 and jogged ahead of them to other friends.

It's never fun to joke about things or people that you don't know the meaning or backstory of.

----------

And to end this off, a message to my friends:

"The only way I deal with it is having you there to help me." (Jonas, page 181)

(618 words)

<3, Snake