tw; , self-degrading thoughts, slight mention of relapsing, slight mention of EDs, mentions of wanting to die, horrible parenting (abu$e, manipulation, gaslighting, etc.)

i felt genuinely worthless most of yesterday bc i felt like i wasn't doing anything important. i was alone most of the day and i had nothing to keep my thoughts from wandering, and i almost relapsed (ED) and then i forced myself to eat and it didn't help and then my left leg started to hurt like usual, but this time it was just worse and i think i need to go the doctor for it.and then my brother kept on bothering me, and i wasn't in the mood and i snapped at him and i feel like a horrible sibling, and i just i want to die but i also don't. im too scared too. and i really want help for this, but i cant get it, because my mom doesn't believe me and my mom's an abusive manipulating bitch and she doesn't care for me anymore since she has two perfect kids and then there's me. and she yells at me everyday and blames me for her problems and ive debated running away but i cant without worrying one of my friends and i don't want to worry them.and then i just feel like an outcast in my own friendgroup. they just ignore me and then i ignore the group chat for a bit and return, and they don't acknowledge my disappearance. and then when i try to make conversation they don't care.its like my old friend group because once they had a chance to ditch me, they did. and i feel like my friend group would be better off without me.hell, everyone would be better off without me. im just too clingy for my own good. everyone i grow close to deserves better than me. especially since if i grow attached to you i will be there with you the entire time and i feel like i shouldn't be so clingy and that its a flaw and that i need to distance myself from everyone and that if i weren't so clingy everyone wouldn't ignore me. and that no one would push me away when i want to be near them.i just really needed to get this out.