hi.

so like, in the past few years + this year im seeing a lot of people are dying. and it's scaring me really bad.

death is so so scary to think about. people die every second...it freaks me out. cause what if I'll be one of those people? what if I suddenly drop dead? that really scares me cause I never want to just die suddenly and leave my friends and family in pain.

what's also so sad is that right now (as im writing this) there have been over 600,000 suicides this year. and that's absolutely horrible.

ALSO WHAT MAKES ME SO SO SAD IS THAT ALMOST 5 MILLION CHILDREN UNDER 5 HAVE DIED THIS YEAR. WHAT. I FEEL SO BAD WHAT THE HELL. 5 MILLION INNOCENT CHILDREN.

it's just so scary cause like I said earlier what if I die this year? what if one of my family members or friends died? dude i have so many people that I love and it's so scary to think about them suddenly dying, it's happened before and I would hate for it to happen again.

i used to not be so scared of death. when i was a kid i was just like "oh I'll die someday but only when im like 100" but that's not really true. cause a lot of people die at a young age. not everyone but a lot of people.

recently I've been so scared of germs and getting sick and i research tons of diseases to see if i have it and I'll think im dying from a mild stomach ache. i hate it. I don't know how to stop this feeling.

it could be like really really bad anxiety or something but it's gotten so bad that I've skipped meals cause im worried if i eat it'll have something bad in it and I'll die.

it's so bad and I haven't even told anyone about this. i think my dad is kind of worried about me since I've been skipping meals and eating very little but he doesn't know exactly what's going on. (don't worry guys, im not skipping meals anymore, im eating normally but it's gotten that bad once)

idk. my life just has been going downhill since September of last year.

probably cause my mom died.

i miss her, so so much. it's almost been a year without her and i still have no idea how to cope.i wish she was still here.

it's so devastating cause my whole family changed after her death like I feel like everyone's mental health got worse.

i skipped a week of school cause of my mom. if i had went to school I probably would've cried so much in class.

she also died right before my birthday. she was gonna plan me a big party and i was gonna get good presents but that never happened. i wish she didn't die so I could have that party and hang out with her.

i also still remember her funeral. it was so sad i literally could not stop sobbing she was the best i miss her so much. i remember my english teacher showing up there (english teachers are always the nicest for some reason) and there were tons of people there that I didn't even know

it was horrible and im trying really hard to cope and accept it cause im just so upset all the time I want her to be here with me but that's not going to happen ever again.

something that did make me feel a little better tho was when I went back to school a week after my mom died my teachers gave me cards that my classmates wrote to me and my family saying that they were sorry for my loss. that helped a little.

but rn, around 11 months later, i miss her so much and it's impacting my mental health a lot. i swear i was doing fine until now.

and im too scared to get a therapist. cause i went to a therapist before and it did not help me AT ALL i was still the same person when i got out of therapy. also therapy is like expensive and i also don't want to burden others with my problems.

uh i think i yapped too much so this is the end.

srry if im being annoying n stuff abt my problems this just really sucks and i needed to get it all out </3

bye

(btw guys im gonna be fine i think i just need to get some help <3 dw too much I'll probably be fine. BUT BYE ILY GUYS!!)

OK THIS IS AN HOUR LATER. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??

SO THAT LEX PERSON IS ACTUALLY A GROOMER. (IF YOU DONT KNOW WHO IM TALKING ABOUT IDK WHAT TO TELL YOU) DUDE I THOUGHT THEY WERE COOL :( NOT ANYMORE THO ONCE I FOUND OUT IT WAS AN IMMEDIATE UNFOLLOW.

THIS ABSOLUTELY SUCKS CAUSE SO MANY PEOPLE I LIKE TURN OUT TO BE WEIRDOS. (Melanie/Felony Martinez, Ava Kris Tyson.) GUYS IS BEING A NORMAL PERSON THAT FUCKING HARD??

this makes me SO upset because I remember they had drama weeks ago on another account where they said they were gonna commit suicide and everyone freaked out and told them not to do it and stuff but then the next day people said they faked it and everyone went against him AND THEN we learned someone hacked into their account. so we all supported them then and apologized. but um...we don't like them now.

idk who i can trust anymore, cause like i feel like EVERYONE I LOVE is gonna they called out for being problematic. (if flamingo, mitski, caseoh, or any other celeb i love turns problematic IM SO DONE WITH LIFE) like BRO ITS NOT THAT HARD TO NOT TOUCH KIDS.

ok ik im yapping but like now im mad and sad at the same time. and scared for the future :/

this is a long ass vent but yeah, im just super upset abt things happening in my life. but i hope u guys stay safe, eat food and STAY HYDRATED!!! LOVE U GUYS SMMM <33 BYEEEE