so, three years ago, my mom hooked up with a released prison inmate.

it was hell.

i was torn from the finally stable/happy life i had since my parents divorce.

in short,i was always scared, i was mentally fucked up, and wanted to die.

just writing this im trying not to cry.

he and mom always argued, he was too rough with us, yelled at me for eating a lot, and him and mom would have loud sex in the trailer with us there.

i felt like i didnt belong. 

he  got along great with my brother, which may have cemented in my mind my brother was the favorite, the one that couldnt do wrong, and i wasnt worth anything.

i always dreaded the ride home from school.

what took my mom to leave was my grandma coming up and talking sense into her.

on the eve of my birthday no less.

so, i spent my birthday in a car ride to the other side of the country.

and my mom has become more of a religious zealot, and gets onto me for masturbating, though she fucked a prison inmate, who was emotionally and probably sexually abusive and had a child out of wedlock, and is super homophobic and calls anyone not straight abonimations, and my grandma is the same, which is just super great for the mental health for a bisexual person like me.

and theres this giant riff between us, which i doubt well ever repair, nor do i think i want to. 

but my brother never gets chewed out or told off for anything. hell, he hasnt had to go to church ever since we moved back to oregon.

i would like to live with my dad, but that would inconvenience them because they already have a full house, and i dont want to leave my friends.

i dont know anymore.....

ps: if you hear about a boy killing his mother, brother, grandmother, and possibly himself in union, that might be me. like, i doubt i would actually do it, but hey, just got to find the road of less pain at this point