YEAR ONE WITHOUT HER

Octavian didn't get to say goodbye. That thought swirled around in his mind, consuming his very existence. He couldn't even muster the strength in the moment to reassure her, to tell her it was okay to disappear from his life.

He didn't get chance to tell her he loved her.

Her voice just simply faded away, as though it had never been there to begin with.

With each day he felt like he was fading with her.

Hands touched his body, bringing him back to the present. He felt something hover over his face, and he knew it was time for the bandages to be removed. For the ghastly sight of his scars to no longer be a secret but something exposed as clearly to the world as his sightless eyes.

"Octavian, are you okay?" Curio's voice cut through it all. He wasn't surprised - neither him or Locusta had left his side since they arrived to the compound after their fateful loss. After half of the world crumbled to ash.

Octavian didn't warrant an answer. It was a stupid question - all in the space of a few hours he'd lost his sight, his sister, his cause and independence.

Curio sighed, rubbing his hand over his tired eyes. Bags hung under them, ones hidden from Octavian's knowledge, the weight of what had happened draining his body and soul. He wanted his friend back, the guy who was never short of sarcastic comments and would pummel anyone who dared look at him oddly. Now, he was just a shell of who he was. But he wasn't surprised - he was the one of the strongest soldiers at Libertas, taking down enemies with the sheer power of his fists. All of that seemed like a distant memory, even if they witnessed Octavian doing that very thing less than a month ago. 

Locusta gave Curio a strained smile. She wished she could reach over and give his hand a reassuring squeeze, but even the thought of it sent spikes of agony shattering through her veins. It was even worse watching Octavian lay on the bed whilst the nurses moved swiftly around him, the bandages so thick on his face she couldn't tell whether or not he was wincing.

When the nurses finally stepped back from the bed, it took all they had not to gasp. A jagged cut sliced across his eyes, leaving the lids heavily swollen shut. From what they could see, his eyes had turned milky white, losing all the luscious colour they once had.

"How do I look?" Octavian's voice rasped across the stunned silence.

A beat passed. Then two.

Curio's laughter cut into the quiet. "With a battle scar like that, you'll be chick magnet."

"My sex appeal amped up?"

"Off the charts."

Locusta smiled fondly at their antics. As soon as her lips curled up, they fell down. This was likely to be the last time they'd hear Octavian talk like this, talk like he used to. Since that fateful day 23 days ago, he'd turned silent, everything he was having faded away forever. All he knew was how to be a solider, it was all anyone of them knew, and now they had to adjust that they were the victims of war. 

A rumbling filled the air above them. Everyone halted in their tracks, freezing. Octavian's brows furrowed, hands gripping the rails of the bed, attempting to pull himself up. Neither Curio or Locusta paid him any mind, their attention drawn to the ship drifting to the ground out of the window. 

"I can't believe it." Curio breathed, a faint smile ghosting his face. Maybe if there were survivors on that ship, maybe Messalina would be okay. Maybe the comms just cut out and she couldn't reach them anymore. 

Maybe she was still with them. 

Octavian shifted in his bed, still trying to pull himself up. His entire body was moving towards the sound, as if if he turned a certain way, his body could tell him what his eyes couldn't. "Guys," a panting huff came from behind the pair. "What's happening?" 

Locusta looked over her shoulder, seeing the nurses move back into action. They fluttered around Octavian, trying to get him back into bed. "Wait." 

*

The fresh air filled his lungs. Octavian was grateful for the change, tired of breathing in antiseptic and blood. He was so happy about leaving the room he'd been bound to for what seemed like forever he didn't complain when he was gently guided to a wheelchair, Curio pushing him to the outside world. 

The smell of freshly cut grass hit his nose. His nostrils tickled, a sneeze instantly seizing his body. A wave of pain rushed through his face, and already he felt damp liquid running down his face. Just as quickly his happiness engulfed his body, it dissipated. 

Curio brought them all to a halt, the pair greeting the remaining Avengers on the field. One of them asked how he was, but in all honesty he didn't even hear it. 

All he heard was that this was Tony's ship. 

They all eagerly awaited for the infamous Iron Man to descend from the ship. Even though Octavian couldn't see him, he knew instantly something was wrong just by Locusta's sharp intake of breath. Her eyes instantly caught on Tony's skinny frame, his skin seeming to sag from his bones. 

Before they knew what was happening, Octavian stumbled to his feet, making his way towards Tony. Curio and Locusta were on his tail in a beat, watching him carefully stagger over the uneven ground, falling at Tony's feet. 

"Oct!" 

Octavian was deaf to their concern, feeling skinny hands pull at his forearms and pull him to his feet. Octavian reached out, his hands palming Tony's face. He could feel his skull threatening to break through the skin. 

But Octavian didn't care about Tony's well being. He cared about his answer. 

"Tony?" Octavian questioned. He felt Tony's head nod hesitantly. 

In a flash, Octavian's hands fumbled for Tony's jacket, scrambling to stay upright. "Where is she?" 

Curio moved forward to grab Octavian; Locusta's pleading eyes halted him. Sometimes, he needed to do these things alone.

"Who?" 

"Messalina - my sister - where is she?" Octavian begged, his hands tightening on Tony's collar. "She was up there with you, she told me, where is she?" 

The silence told him everything he needed to know. His grip loosened on Tony's collar, his hands falling down to his sides. "I'm sorry." 

Octavian didn't hear anything after that, not Locusta and Curio apologising to Tony, or their soothing words uttered in his direction. All he could hear was the same two words on a loop - I'm sorry. Those words separated him from the hopeful man he once was, to the defeated, vulnerable child he just became. 

He was an orphan, and even worse, he had no family left at all. 

Octavian was on auto pilot after that. He let Curio's gentle hands guide him into the wheelchair, not even protesting that e could do it himself. He didn't moan when Curio pushed him over a uneven bit of grass, causing his whole body to jolt and the cut over his eye to whisper sweet nothings to his body. 

He didn't even pay attention as they all gathered in the briefing room. He dully noted that Curio and Locusta took a seat beside him, and that the air was noisy with the sounds of people breathing. Words were spoken, voices were raised and a crash wove it's way to his ears - nothing processed. 

The only thing that did was two words - I'm sorry. 

-

hey guys, long time no see! sorry for the wait on this, i left wattpad for a while (i had exams/ finishing college, finding a new job and actually being social for once) and didn't have much inspiration for this. but it hit me the other week that maybe i should watch endgame and TA DA i got some inspiration. 

i'm not sure how often updates will be for this, but i'm hoping with the lockdown i'll be able to churn out more content. 

anyways i hope everyone is well and safe, see you soon and thanks for reading! 

-thirdwheelchurchill