"Tumalikod lang kami pero sinaksak niya na ang sarili niya."

I don't know how to tell them what really happened. Si Gracie ay nakawaang ang mga labi nang marinig ang sinabi ko. Si Lenard ay seryoso na nakasilip sa maliit na siwang ng pintuan ng hospital room ni Dali.

Hinayaan ko muna ang sariling makahinga nang maayos. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa. Napailing-iling ako at tumalikod sa pintuan kung saan nakikita ang mga doctor ginagawa ang lahat para pigilan ang dugo dahil sa sugat sa dibdib ni Dali... o ni Marcia— hindi ko na alam.

Ang iba pang mga kasama namin ay hindi na nagbalak na magsalita pa. Siguro ay dahil alam nilang hindi na nila ako makakausap nang maayos.

Sa isang gilid ay nakasilip si Tita Sonya... na nakatingin sa akin. We haven't really seen each other's faces for several times... halos ika'tlong beses pa lang ngayon; ang unang dalawang beses ay noong nakausap ko si Marcia sa video call at ipinakilala niya ako sa Mama niya. Parang kailan lang nang nangyari 'yon... Naipikit ko ang mga mata at pinisil ang gilid ng mga mata.

My forehead is still sweating from time to time, my heart is pumping blood inside my chest with such intensity; it's been beating twice its normal beats, and it's been going on for minutes now.

Walang nakapagsabi sa kanila tungkol sa buong nagyari kanina. Tungkol sa sinabi ni Marcia na siya ang nasa katawan ni Dali. Hindi ako naniwala. Noong una. But when she stared at me... with conviction. And as her expression softened as she started talking... para akong binuhusan ng malamig sa mismong puwesto kung saan ako nakatayo.

I had to balance myself as I started taking steps backwards... the image of Marcia with a full smile on her lips crossed in my mind. Her high-pitched voice full of enthusiasm, grit, and passion... the way she always stared at me...

Ang mga mata man ni Dali ang nakikita ko pero alam kong hindi siya ang nakatitig sa akin kanina. It was Marcia... that pain which glimmered in her eyes. Huli kong nakita sa mga mata niya ay takot nang matapilok siya at bago siya mahulog sa batuhan.

Sinapo ko ang ulo at pumikit nang mariin. I was already hitting my head on the wall when I felt Gracie's stern voice, trying her best to not shout beside me. "What the hell are you doing, Theron." Hinila niya ako sa balikat at ipinaharap sa kanya.

But it was not her face that I saw, it was Marcia's... in a blur, in fragments, that's when I realized I had been weeping.

"Hoy, ano'ng nangyayari sa 'yo?" boses ni Marcia ang narinig ko, naalala ko ang ilang beses na nagkausap kami. Nakakiling ang mukha niya habang may mapanuyang ngiti, minsan ay matatawa at mapapatango sa bawat sinasabi ko kapag may napagtanto siya.

I want so say that we were friends. Because I know we were. Minsan ay nakikita ko siya sa gym na nagpa-practice ng kung ano'ng kanta sa harapan ng maliit na keyboard na dala-dala.

I didn't know she was Gracie's best friend that time... ang alam ko lang madalas namin tanguan ang isa't-isa sa tuwing magkakasalubong ang mga mata sa lobby ng SHS building.

Unang beses na nagkausap kami ay noong nagkaroon ng mini gathering sa isang org sa SHS curriculum. She was there with Gracie. We got to talk for hours, and I remember I walk her home after we left school. That was three months before Dali lost her brother and mother... three months after I got the chance to get to know Dali deeper... and maybe bit by bit, I was already falling hard.

There was Marcia before Dali...

Maybe it was too sudden when Marcia and I got used to each other's company that we don't exactly know since when and how we managed to cross the lines. Walang nagsabi sa aming dalawa kung ano'ng nararamdaman namin, but when one needs a hand on tough moments, we knew who we have to call.

But there's something that Marcia hadn't told me... She was in a relationship when we were having the times of our lives talking and getting to know each other. I felt bothered about it... Doon ko unang narinig ang pangalan ni Lenard. I had no idea who was he in the few moments. Ang tanging alam ko, Marcia and Lenard has been a thing before I went into the picture.

Hindi ko alam kong naghahanap lang ba ako ng gulo o hindi kasi hinayaan ko pa rin na mag-usap kami ni Marcia. Siguro dahil buong akala ko gusto ko siya? Siguro dahil gago ako at hindi basta-bastang sumuko sa isang bagay kung alam ko namang makukuha ko 'yon? I wasn't that good of a person people thought me to be.

Pero matapos ang tatlong buwan, naging maingay ang balita na nawalan ng magulang ang isa sa mga classmates namin, nagtanong ako kung sino iyon, and that was when I get to notice Dali. Unang beses pa lang iyon matapos ang ilang contest na sinalihan naming dalawa, nagtuloy-tuloy na.

Nang makilala ko si Dali at natuon sa kanya ang buong pansin ko... I had to recalibrate my own reasons why I consider myself that I was in love with Marcia when I hadn't even felt how extreme emotions could be when you are falling for someone, and I felt that with Dali.

Akala ko, oo, nahulog ako sa kanya. But, then, thinge soon became clear.

I wasn't really in love with Marcia. I had to say that to her. Kaya nakipagkita ako sa kanya ng gabing iyon...

Umiling-iling ako sa harapan ni Gracie nang unti-unti nang luminaw ang mukha niya sa harapan ko. No, maybe I really have to look back about what had happened to Marcia... about her death. About my refusal to acknowledge that I had the responsibility to stay by her side even when she had been dead seconds after she fell off the rocks.

Tumalikod ako at dahan-dahan na napaupo sa sahig habang nakasandal sa pader, itinukod ko ang mga kamay sa tuhod at napayuko. Moments of that incident slowly unfolded right before my eyes, as if I am watching a movie with me in it.

Umiiyak noon si Marcia at panay ang pagkurap. Nasa cielo coastal route kami, nakaupo sa mga bato habang nakatitig sa papadilim na langit.

"It's too consuming to pretend I'm fine in front of them." She still tried to keep a smile on her lips despite the urge to cry.

"Sino'ng nagsabi sa 'yo na kailangan mong magpanggap sa harap ng ibang tao?" tanong ko sa kanya. Pertaining on the song she has written for the drama club but her contribution was turned down. At sinabihan daw siya na hindi para sa kanya ang pagsusulat. "Do these people have the right to command you to do the things you should be doing? It is your life, hindi sa kanila."

"Hmm," she whispered, then started sharing about her passion for arts... her eyes beaming.

"Seeking for validation from other people sucks. Big time." I said with conviction, nakatitig na rin ako sa malapad na dagat at pinaglalaruan ang maliit na batong kinuha sa tabi.

"P-Paano mo nasabi 'yan?" Nanliit ang mga mata niya.

"Simple,"

"Magkinig ka ha," seryoso kong saad. "When you seek for their validation, you are not allowing yourself to become someone you really wanted to. You are molding yourself to fit in and live up to their standards. When in fact, they don't even give a damn about you. They just feel empowered thinking they have the power to control someone else's life."

She inhaled a deep breath. "But you, see. It is not their fault at all."

"Absolutely," I said, now leaning in at a rock, sinusubukang itago ang bulto ko sa iilang mga tao na hindi rin naman ata nakatingin sa amin at paalis na. "Now, let me ask you, Marcia. . . are you genuinely happy? At this point?"

"No. Hindi talaga. Honestly, I feel too exhausted. Like all my efforts aren't enough. I've done my best. I couldn't give anything more. Arts don't seem to weigh much in people's hearts."

"I can't tell that thought any better," I muttered.

"When I try to be myself, people hate me. When I try to follow their standards, they criticize me for struggling to fit in. Ang gulo 'di ba?"

"They want you to become someone they see through their own eyes. You have to begin scrutinizing people's real intentions. Sometimes, they are not giving you freedom through their words. But rather, a command you ought to follow."

Bumuntung hininga na rin siya. "I think it's better if I just die. Right now. At this very moment."

I gave her a smug smile. "Do you expect people to build a monument to commemorate your death and your contribution for music or arts?"

"No," agad niyang sagot. "Just . . . perhaps at my burial, people could visit me without hate, criticisms, and judgements. That way, in their eyes, I could be someone worth for their tears and grief."

Pinakatitigan ko siya.

"Sa tingin mo?"

"Well then." I shifted in my spot and slowly went near her, I grasp her shoulders and leaned in closer to her ear.

I attempted to push her forward and she shouted in horror.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

Hinala ko siya palapit sa akin at niyakap. "Ano ba, Theron! I thought you'll push me!" pagkatapos ay natawa siya at inalis ang pagkakayakap ko sa kanya.

"Marcia, I think I'm falling for someone else."

Natigilan siya sa sinabi ko pagkatapos ay natahimik. "You don't want this anymore?" nanginginig ang boses niyang tanong.

"I'm sorry, Marcia. We could pretend nothing happened. Kasi wala namn talaga."

Natigilan siya. Tinalikuran ako at tumitig sa dagat sa harapan.

"Paanong nagawa mo sa 'kin 'to, Theron?" her voice continued to shook. "You promised! Naniwala ako sa lahat ng sinabi mo!"

Hindi ako nagsalita at hinayaan lang siya.

"S-Sabi mo, gusto mo ako. Sabi mo ayos lang na ganito tayong dalawa. You said it was me that you've always wanted to be with. Gago ka! Manloloko! You're a hostile person on a sheep's clothing! People should know how cruel of a person you are!"

"Marcia," sinubukan kong magpaliwanag pero ayaw niya nang makinig.

"They shoud know... that girl you're into now, should know," mariin ang boses niyang sabi. Galit na galit niyang sigaw.

"Marcia please..."

"Hindi! 'Wag kang lumapit! Leave!"

Napalingon ako sa paligid. Wala pa ring taong dumadaan. Wala pa ring nakakakita sa amin.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango at umatras na. Naikuyom ko ang kamao dahil sa sinabi niya. Pero hindi katulad ng utos niya, hindi agad ako umalis.

Hindi rin kumilos si Marcia sa puwesto. Tumitig siya sa harapan... sa malawak na dagat at sa batuhan sa ibaba, doon pa lang ay halos pinukpok ng martilyo ang ulo ko dahil sa napagtanto...

Dahil sa mga naalala hindi ko namalayan na nagsasalita na pala ako habang nakatulala.

"I saw her step forward... like she would jump any minute, mali ako. Hindi siya tatalon. Hindi. Ilang segundo siyang napatitig sa ibaba, maybe because of fear she immediate scuffled to step backwards... but her steps were so reckless and heavy.

Gumalaw ang mga bato kung saan siya nakatayo. Hindi niya alam ang gagawin... She was able to call my name as she stumbled in her feet... Alam kong nakita niya ako. Nakita niya ako. Before she rolled off the rocks."

Naramdaman ko ang mainit na mga palad ni Mama na lumapat sa mga pisngi ko. Kumurap-kurap ako at nakita siyang nakaupo rin sa sahig kaharap ko.

"Theron... anak," pag-alo niya sa akin. Napalingon ako sa paligid at nakitang wala nang ni isa na naghihintay sa labas ng hospital room... bakante na rin ang lobby at walang ni isang naglalakad.

Bumuga ako ng hangin at agad kong naramdaman na niyakap niya ako... Katulad noong gabing umuwi ako sa bahay na halos hirap na sa paghinga, puno ng pawis ang noo, at halata ang kaba at takot sa mga mata. Sinabi ko kay Mama ang nangyari... pero ang sinabi niya sa akin, hindi ako puwedeng pumunta sa mga pulis.

"Ilang araw pa lang simula noong makulong ang Papa mo, Theron. Ano'ng iisipin ng mga pulis kapag nagpunta ka roon at malaman nilang nasangkot ka sa nangyari kay Marcia? They would suspect you! Ikaw ang ididiin! Hindi mo kailangang pumunta sa mga pulis! Mainit ang tingin nila ngayon sa pamilya natin. You know how they uses their power to step on weak people if they wanted to."

Hindi ako nagsalita.

"Buhay pa na siya? Noong umalis ka... gumagalaw pa ba?"

Umiling-iling ako

"It wasn't your fault anyway. May ibang tutulong kay Marcia..." she said na para bang iyon lang ang tanging katotohanan  na dapat kong paniwalaan at gawin.

Naniwala ako kay Mama.

I really thought someone would help Marcia... because I couldn't. I want to, but I couldn't.

Kinabukasan... wala akong balak lumabas ng bahay. Wala akong balak magpakita sa kung sino. Wala ako sa tamang pag-iisip pero kailangan kong umakto na ayos lang ang lahat.

Hindi ko inakala na andoon pa rin si Marcia.

Nang nagpunta ako kasama si Dali, I saw her... she was still there. Walang tumulong sa kanya.