"THIS IS TOO PLAIN." Umagang-umaga, iyon ang bumungad sa akin pagkapasok sa classroom.

Tahimik akong nakatingin kay Gracie. Hawak niya at mataman na tinitingnan ang graphics na nakaprint sa long bond paper, colored, trivial ang ilang detalye pero vibrant at eye-catching naman ang design.

That was an understatement. But I dare not mention it anymore. I'm done with explaining myself and then ending up offending them. Ako na nga ang nagpresenta kasi walang gustong gumawa nitong project, wala namang kahit isang naka-appreciate.

Tumikhim si Gracie pagkatapos ay tiningnan ako. "So sorry, Dali."

I composed myself. "No, no," I said. "Ano ba ang problema?"

Right, this is better than howling for a nonsense reason. Kung ayaw nila ang ginawa kong design para sa banner ng Senior's Camp which will be happening two weeks from now, ayos lang. Marami pang kailangang ayusin, the least I could do is to delay the progress with me being too sensitive.

Tumitig ako sa design, iyon na lang ang pinagkaabalahan ko kagabi. Hindi man ako makatulog nang maaga, atleast may nagawa naman ako at hindi na lang tumitig sa dingding habang kung ano'ng pumapasok sa isip.

Fortunately, I succedded in diverting my attention from the horrifying incident that occurred last night. Unlike yesterday, I feel fine.

"Ano. . . medyo confusing ang design," sabi ni Gracie nakatitig ulit sa bond paper na hawak. "Right. Magulo talaga."

I scanned the faces of our classmates involved in planning for the activity. The officers. They are not saying something, but judging from their looks I suppose. . . they share the same thoughts with Gracie.

"I could still create another layout," sabi ko, umaasang maintindihan kung bakit halos mandiri siya sa tinititigan.

"Hindi na ata iyon aabot, Dali," sabi ni Sammy sa tabi ko.

"Ikaw na naman ang gagawa? Tapos hindi na naman fit sa theme," si Mandee na ngayon ay umaalma, akala mo naman may ambag.

Malay ko ba kung ano'ng gusto niyong layout na perfect sa theme, wala naman kayong ibang ginawa kundi ang ngumawa pero hindi kumikilos.

I always tell myself to be grateful for what I have and do not desire something that isn't for me. Things happen, and when predicaments come, all I could ever do is to react the way that could not worsen the situation.

Inside my head, I imagine myself closing my eyes, trying to ease my emotions. Pinaglapat ko ang mga palad. Pagkatapos ay ipinahinga ang mga iyon sa kandungan.

Hindi ka nila maiintindihan kahit magpaliwanag ka pa, bulong ko sa sarili ko.

"Okay, what should we do then?" My voice was calm and enthusiastic. Normal lang, hindi nawalan ng gana, na parang hindi nila nilait ang gawa ko at ininsulto sa harapan ko mismo.

Ngumiti ako sa kanilang lahat. Nahagip ko ang pagtitig ni Theron sa akin pero nagbaba lang agad ako ng paningin. I wonder if he thinks that my design is too plain and shit.

It's fine.

I'm fine.

All the officers were gathered here, I shouldn't lose hope.

The meeting was quick and straightforward. I remained attentive despite of me not sharing some of my suggestions anymore. Inililigpit ko na ang mga gamit ko nang mapansin si Theron na nakahilig sa bandang pintuan at hindi pa tuluyang lumalabas ng classroom. I raised a brow but he just gave me a nod and a small movement of his shoulders.

Lumingon ako sa likuran, halos i-ilan na lang kaming nasa loob ng classroom. "Hindi ka nagmamadali?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. Nagtataka na napalingon-lingon ulit ako sa likuran. "I'm the one you're asking right?"

Tango.

Okay?

Naglakad ako palapit sa pinto, siya namang pag-ayos niya ng tayo at pagsabay sa akin sa paghakbang palabas.

So, he was really waiting for me?

Why?

"How about we'll work on the edits tonight?" he said while we started walking through the corridors.

"Edits?" tanong ko, binagalan ang paglalakad at bumaling sa kanya.

"Sa design na nagawa mo na," he said.

Tumaas ang isang kilay ko. "Bakit pa? Ayaw nila no'n."

"Hindi ko sinabing ayaw ko rin." He was supposed to be the one presiding the meeting earlier. I dunno why I ended up leading the team and laying concrete plans for the Senior's Camp. Sometimes it's too easy for him to blend in the crowd, to act like he has no responsibilities. But there will also be those times when you would really decide to depend on him, 'cause you know he's capable of doing things if he's interested enough.

"Halos hindi ka nagsalita kanina."

"There were already enough suggestions from everybody. And you're handling the situation pretty well."

An awkward laugh escaped my lips. "Handling the situation pretty well?"

"Much like it. You had enough patience."

"Ha!" I said, I sighed in disbelief.

"Tungkol sa design mo, pwede nating i-present sa faculty. Their decision will be irrevocable. Maganda naman. Sa tingin ko enligned sa mismong theme."

Nangunot ang noo ko, ngayon ay nauna na siyang maglakad kaya agad akong humabol sa kanya. "But you didn't say something earlier. I thought. . ."

"Sinabi ko sa kanila noong nauna kang umalis," he said.

I stared at him but he remained calm as he gazed back at me.

"Bakit hindi mo sinabing sobra rin ang sinabi nila tungkol sa layout na ginawa mo?"

Kumurap-kurap ako, nag-iwas ng paningin. Tumikhim ako. "Actually, hindi ko sila maintindihan."

A laugh escaped from his lips.

Tumango siya, nagpatuloy ako sa sinasabi.

"They didn't want my design but when they suggested the new design, parang. . . kahawig lang din noong nagawa ko."

"It's about teamwork. And the credits."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "I don't get-"

"They feel useless because you already did the job."

"Kung gano'n, sana man lang sinabi nila na gusto nila ang consensus at participation ng buong team para sa gagawing design. Hindi 'yong wala silang kahit isang plano kaya, walang nagpresenta. I decided to finish the project myself."

His lips moved a bit before he turned away. "Sana din. . . sinabi mo iyan sa kanina."

"What's the point?" Nag-isang linya ang mga labi ko. "Ayokong magsalita kung alam kong hindi maganda ang lalabas sa bibig ko."

"At least you have to tell them what you actually feel," he said. "You don't just stay silent and expect people to understand how deeply you were hurt because of their words."

I remained looking at him. He is already few steps away from me. But I could still hear his words. "Words exist for a purpose. Let us not put that in vain."

Mabilis ko siyang hinabol, sinabayan ulit siya sa paglalakad. "But silence has more weight than blabbering words which are too emotional."

"If you do that, not everyone would understand you."

"That's fine with me."

Tumigil siya sa paglalakad. Hinarap ako. "With them not being able to understand you?"

I smiled. "With me not giving a fuck whether they know exactly how I feel or not."

There was a long pause between us. And I didn't bother to take back my words. Nagbaba ako ng paningin. Walang kumilos sa amin. Nakatitig ako sa iilang damo na nagawang tumubo sa gitna ng iilang crack sa tabi ng bako-bakong kalsada. See? They don't have to belong and fit perfectly for them to still thrive.

I don't have to belong in any circle to feel accepted. And there's no need for my feelings to be understood. All the damn time. So long as I am still breathing, and thriving the way that I wanted, I am good.

"It's fine with you? 'Cause you think you already have what's necessary. . . a house above your head, a full scholarship. A family. Look insistently, Dali you think you have more than enough. But you lack one thing. The freedom of being your real self."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

"You settle for it because you think it's the easier route. Walang kausap. Walang pakialam. Walang kaibigan."

Napabuga ako ng hangin, natawa bigla. "Akala mo madaling maging ganito? Akala mo masaya kung wala kang makausap? Akala mo madaling magpanggap at nagagawa ko iyon dahil gusto ko? O dahil sinasadya ko? No, I don't! I am not fucking pretending to be someone else."

Tears flowed on my right cheek. "I am only gripping with life the way I wanted to because I don't want to be ungrateful. Kung hindi magawa ng iba na makitungo sa akin nang maayos then be it. But it's not easy to be stuck in this kind of loop, Theron! Hindi madali! Gumigising ako sa umaga na walang ibang iniisip kung hindi ang matulog ulit. Na sana, ang lahat ng mga ginagawa ko noon, gano'n parin kahalaga at kasayang gawin ngayon."

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata. I got nothing from him.

I inhaled a deep breath, allowing the last sob to escape my lips, pursing them together to get a hold of myself.

Now, I'm regretting what I just said.

I shouldn't have done that.

Theron remained looking at me, except for the fact that his eyes now became a little expressive. Binasa niya ang ibabang labi, umayos siya ng tayo at saka lang iniwas ang paningin. I bet that burst out loosened up his restrictions in his own emotions too.

But the sudden argument made me wonder, how the hell did we arrive at this point? Why the need to throw words against each other when I know that deep inside, the idea that we might have understood each other's whims and beliefs lurks within us, if only. . .

If only it's that easy to open up to someone you barely knew.