I DON'T KNOW what am I considered at the moment. A soul maybe? Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng dapat kong gawin. It seems I could speak well and move like the usual. I don't actually feel different. Pero parang ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko. Except that I've been wanting to cry since Dad left the hospital room to go home and fetch some of my things.

Hindi ko naitanong kung kamusta si Theron matapos ang aksidente. Kung sabay ba kaming isinugod sa ospital. Kung ayos lang ba siya. Biglaan ang nangyaring aksidente. At dalawang araw na pala ang lumipas.

I think... I left my body after that extreme accident. If that does mean I am meant to die or almost—I couldn't process it any further.

Sa paraan kung paano intindihin ng sarili ko ang sitwasyon... ang alam ko lang, nagkapalit kami ni Marcia. She was a damn ghost! For pete's sake! Totoo ngang nakikita at nararamdaman ko siya. After that encounter with her—amid that accident me and Theron had—she was able to take over my body.

Bakit ba sa akin pa 'to nangyayari?

"Hindi ko rin maipaliwanag." I could hear my own voice telling me things Marcia is currently saying. Nakayuko ako at hindi man lang matitigan ang sarili kong katawan na ngayon ay kontrolado niya.

"Kailangan kong ipakilala ang sarili ko sa 'yo," biglaang sabi ni Marcia. Her first name. Yes, that's all I know about her. At iyong kaibigan siya ni Gracie. And that she died, a week and 2 days ago.

"I know it must be weird to stare at yourself when you know that I'm the one possessing your body at the moment. Hindi ko ginusto na mangyari 'to. Sana alam mo 'yan." She proceeded in saying things. Kahit hindi naman ako nagtatanong. Kahit hindi naman ako nagsasalita.

"Would you believe me if I tell you that I saw you at school? Quite often. Ms. Maranda of STEM – Cosmos A."

Nangunot ang noo ko sa narinig. She knew me back then?

"You're quite known sa totoo lang."

"Paanong—"

"There's not much of names that circulate in the school which came from the faculty. You get high regard for your recognitions since Junior High. An alumnus indeed. Magkaklase kayo ni Gracie hindi ba?" aniya, na parang komportable kaming mag-usap.

But I could feel the fear crawling into my system. Actually kanina pa. Pero pinipigilan ko ang sariling makaramdam ng takot. Helplessness and panic are already enough to shut down my capability of making sense of what's currently happening. Kung dadagdagan ng takot... hindi na ako makakakilos pa at maluluha na lang.

"I was Marcia Grabrielle Cabrera, was once an ABM student. Now, resting in peace—that's what people suppose to think 'cause I've been dead for days now."

"A week and 2 days," I stated.

"May alam ka rin pala tungkol sa akin."

"I don't know why you could talk to me—at this point—ever so calmly..." I held her name onto the tip of my tounge. Hindi agad sinabi.

Ngayon ay nakaupo na ako sa upuan sa tabi ng kama. Nakikipag-usap sa isang kaluluwa na ngayon ay nasa katawan ko. Magkapareho kaming walang kaalam-alam sa nangyari.

"Call me Marcia..." she said, "I may not know you personally, neither you know me as well. But I know you were the one who saw me on the rocks."

Nakasandal na ako sa upuan habang nakatitig sa harapan. Nakikinig kay Marcia at sumasagot nang paunti-unti sa mga tanong niya kasi sa puntong 'to, wala rin akong idea kung ano ang dapat kong gawin. Nakapasok siya sa katawan ko... habang ako naman hindi na alam kung paano makabalik.

Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng dapat sabihin kaya nanaliting nakatikom ang bibig ko.

Natahimik kaming dalawa nang mahigit ilang minuto.

"May tanong ako..." sabi niya na parang nagkakape lang kami at may mahabang oras para mag-usap. Inside my mind were unending thoughts of how things got this fucked up in an instant.

"Are you a believer of the afterlife? Souls? Ghosts?"

I shook my shoulders. "Hindi ko alam."

Napatitig siya sa 'kin. Ramdam ko iyon kaya napabaling ako sa kanya. A pair of brown eyes stared at me. Never in my life I had the chance to stare at my features this close. I don't fancy mirrors and cameras. It's like they show all my imperfections with just a mere glance.

I don't know when the anxiety started creeping in. Siguro noong ilang beses akong napagkamalan ng iba na hindi nila ako makilala. It was because I gained some weight after Mom and Kaden died.

I don't want people to suspect that I am insanely grieving after they died. Kaya nang maramdaman kong unti-unting akong nagiging matamlay at bumababa ang timbang habang ipinagluluksa ang pagkawala nila... hindi ko namalayan na dinadala ko na lang sa pagkain ang lungkot.

When I lost weight after the first semester of grade 12 started, some stretch marks showed on my skin. I don't actually make them a big deal... but some people do.

I could feel the uneasiness in Marcia's actions. Gumalaw siya sa puwesto at pinakatitigan ako kahit nakabaling ako sa harapan.

"You don't know? Iyon lang? Bakit hindi mo alam?"

Hindi ko siya sinagot. But her questions are provoking enough that I found myself heaving a deep sigh as I face her for the second time.

"Ayaw mo mamili?" she asked again, this time... brows raising while waiting for my answer.

"It's not a matter of choice. It's what you really believe in," I said, a matter of fact.

"Does that mean you only believe things when you see them—with your own eyes?"

I didn't answer.

"Have you been deceived before, Dali? Influenced to believe some lies?"

"I think no."

"So, you only believe in truths which you have seen and witnessed. How about if you haven't come across it yet? Would an idea convince you to believe something even when you had no idea if it is real?"

"No. That's already recklessness. You should be held accountable for your beliefs. You have to uphold your integrity and truth. When you don't believe in something because you aren't convinced yet that it's real, then that is your right."

"Like if someone confessed to you... would you believe their feelings even when you can't see it before your eyes?"

Hindi ko alam pero sa simpleng tanong na iyon, sumagi sa isipan ko si Theron.

"I could gauge it through his actions," I said, brave enough to keep an eye on Marcia's small movements.

Nagpatuloy siya sa pagtatanong, ngayon ay hawak ang isang unan. "How would you know that his actions mirror how he actually feels. And not anchored to his plans of deceiving you?"

"May pakiramdam ako, Marcia. I would know."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I answered with conviction.

Nagsalubong ang mga mata namin sa isa't-isa. Kahit pa nakatitig ako sa sarili ko ngayon alam kong ibang tao ang kaharap ko. I don't usually raise my brows while talking to someone. That would make them feel like I am belittling them.

"There. You can talk, Dali." Napangiti siya matapos ang sagutan namin at unang nagbaba ng paningin. "Why won't you decide to do that? That response was better than 'hindi ko alam.'"

Napayuko ako. "When your voice had been taken for granted by people... sometimes your silence creates a thud with more impact than begging for their ears," I said in a small voice.

"Bakit..." Naibulalas niya. "What happened to someone as capable as you?"

Natameme ako sa tanong na narinig.

"Ako... hindi rin dapat sana ako naniniwala. But after my death at naranasan ko ang mga nangyari, napunta na lang ako sa sitwasyong 'yon. Napadpad sa lugar na hindi ko alam kung nasaan. Nakikipag-usap sa mga taong hindi ako sigurado kung katulad ko. Nakikipag-usap sa mga kaluluwa na tanggap na ang kamatayan nila. I tell you it isn't that exciting."

Umawang nang bahagya ang mga labi ko. "You've gone through the afterlife?" tanong ko sa kanya, my eyes squinting.

Napatitig siya sa harapan. It feels weird seeing yourself acting differently and knowing that it wasn't you who's right in front of you. Paulit-ulit ko na iyong sinasabi sa sarili pero hindi ko pa rin matanggap. Nakapangko ang buhok ng sarili ko ngayon. Hindi katulad ng madalas kong gawin na nakalugay lang. Ipinangko 'yon ni Marcia.

"I've been from a different realm," Marcia briefly answered.

"P-Paano ka nakabalik dito? Namamalikmata lang ako noong sa tingin ko ay nakikita kita."

"I also thought you wouldn't see me. Until you found my bracelet on the rocks then kept it."

Bumaling ulit ako sa kanya. "That was yours?"

Tumango-tango siya. Nagsimulang manubig ang mga mata niya kaya tumingala siya sa kisame. "Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako kasaya ngayon," she mumbled. Ngayon ay napayuko siya at napatitig sa akin. Nagbabadya ang mga luha na tumulo mula sa mga mata.

Napapikit siya. "I never wanted to die that night," pagpapatuloy niya at mahinang napahikbi.

"This..." she gestured something, she was referring to my body that she possesses at the moment. "Alam kong masamang makaramdam ng saya sa kabila ng sakit at paghihirap ng iba. I don't feel honored using people as means. Nor I feel empowered at the expense of other people's fate."

I cleared my throat not lifting my gaze from her. "If you feel bad, then why are you not doing—"

"—I wanted this. Yes. And I'm sorry. Wala akong ibang choice, Dali. Gusto kong makabalik. Wala akong alam na ibang paraan."

Nangunot ang noo ko sa narinig.

Naguguluhan ako. Hindi ko maintindihan. Does she know this would happen if we crossed paths that night? Did she plan for it? Sinadya niya bang mangyari ito? Paano? Kung sakali...

God.

Ang lungkot na kanina lang ay halos hindi ko na mapigilan ay napalitan ng galit at pagkalito. I couldn't trust Marcia... at this point.

"Death is inevitable," I said, enunciating the words clearly. I hope she realizes that before she claims that heaven has given her another chance for life, which in fact she just rubbed my body from me!

"We'll get to alter our fate... if only we are eager enough."

I clenched my fist upon hearing her response.

Napapikit ulit ako, kulang na lang ay masabunutan ang sarili.

Putanginang sitwasyon!

"Gusto ko lang naman makabalik para magpaalam—"

Hindi naituloy ni Marcia ang sinasabi nang may kumatok sa pinto ng hospital room.

Pagkatapos ay may nurse na nagbukas ng pinto at ipinakita si Theron na nakabenda rin ang noo at may dala-dalang saklay. Ang isang kamay niya ay nakahawak sa saklay at inaalalayan ang sarili. Ang isa naman ay nakahawak sa hamba ng pintuan.

"Dali," he mumbled, my name leaving his lips with subtleness and worry before he exhaled a sigh. Tumitig siya kay Marcia sa halip na sa akin. "I'm glad you're now doing well."

Ibubuka ko sana ang bibig at magsasalita kahit pa hindi ako sigurado kung maririnig niya ba ako pero nagpatuloy agad siya sa sinasabi.

"Biglaan ang pag-overtake ng sasakyan. Hindi ko sinadyang maaksidente tayo. I'm sorry I dragged you into this ordeal."

No... none of us knew that would happen.

"We missed two days of school." He mumbled while looking at the floor pagkatapos ay dahan-dahan na nagtaas ng mukha.

Looking at Theron, hindi ko na nabuksan pa ang bibig. Nakikita ko ang paghingi ng tawad sa mga mata niya. Nakikita ko ang pag-aalala.

Hindi ko mapigilan na maapektuhan.

But I am not in the position to respond to him. Hindi ko nga alam kung makikita o maririnig niya ba ako o ng ibang tao sa sitwasyon ko ngayon.

Ang bilis nagbago ng sitwasyon. Ang bilis na naging magulo ang lahat.

What happened to someone as capable as you?

I am not capable enough to begin with.

I regretted not telling things months ago... Ngayon, nagsisisi ulit ako kasi parang namimilit na lang ako para lang makapagsalita.

I believe in ghosts. Souls. Spirits. Yes. But being in this position? Being a soul or a spirit without even dying in the first place is damn shit!

Marcia took advantage of my silence. Napatitig siya kay Theron pagkatapos ay sa akin.

I don't know what to reply—katulad nang madalas na nangyayari kung kailan pinag-iisipan ko muna nang mabuti ang sasabihin kay Theron.

But what surprised me was Marcia's response to Theron. My mouth left ajar.

"Wag kang mag-alala. I feel fine since yesterday. I'm glad you only had few bruises too." Marcia replied, pero boses ko ang umalingaw-ngaw sa tahimik na kuwarto. She has that glimmer in her face as if both of them are fond of each other's company—na parang kami lang dalawa ni Theron. She's nailing the response with great pretense.

Was that only because she wanted no one to know that something changed about me after the accident; impersonating my supposed response to Theron who looked madly concerned?

Para hindi mahalata na ibang kaluluwa ang nasa katawan ko ngayon.

Para walang maghinala.

Nang magawa niya kung ano ang binabalak niya.