THERON JUST LEFT.

Maybe he really does think all women are able to freely express themselves. Which is not. Maybe because it was the stereotype? People think, or maybe boys think, that girls and women are transparent, emotional, and too predictable. Sometimes it only takes sweet talk for us to give in. Hindi ako kasali sa mga samahang naniniwala sa mga ganyan.

Theron finds it so hard to know the fact that I don't feel comfortable sharing how I feel... about how happy I am at certain moments. How I'm offended when people say something unpleasant about me. And how I am grieving in times of my defeats.

I thought he would spare me the curiosity and questioning... I was wrong. It made me feel kinda disappointed.

I know how liberating it is to be open to anyone, having no second thoughts in expressing my emotions, in saying what I truly feel. But I know the impact of our words. I've already done it so many times. I've talked about how I feel. I've shared how things have annoyed me. How these similar things inspired me for once in my life.

And I realized nobody actually cares. You can tell everyone your thoughts, your emotions, your disappointments but if you don't matter to them so is everything you just disclosed to them.

At this point, I've accepted that I don't really matter to anyone. Thus, there's no point of trying to share bits of my feelings, secrets, and inner thoughts. . . I just-I know I don't have to.

I inhaled a deep breath. Nakatitig ako sa labas ng pintuan. Hindi pa kumikilos.

I replayed the scene inside my head. Him, struggling to find words to say after I confronted him. Then, thoughts in various analyses of the situation surfaced inside my mind. I was about to curse at myself, tell my mind to stop thinking about it already, pero biglaang humangin nang malakas.

Then someone slowly walked from the other side of the road then to the front of our house. A girl.

What the heck.

That same dead girl.

Bakit ba nangyayari sa 'kin 'to?!

Napaatras ako. Nanlaki ang mga mata. I opened my mouth to say something. . . to call Dad but I was too stunned that I couldn't even move in my spot.

Nangyayari na naman. . .

I immediately closed my eyes then whispered words to calm myself.

Nagmadali akong umatras at isinara ang pinto.

Napasandal ako doon habang sunod-sunod na huminga nang malalim.

Another knock on the door and I jolted in my spot.

"Dad!" I shouted. Kung kanina ay nagawa ko pang pakalmahin ang sarili at isipin na hindi totoo ang nakita ko, ngayong may kumakatok galing sa labas hindi ko mapigilang hindi manginig sa takot. Parang pumipintig ang ugat sa bandang noo ko, pigil-pigil ko ang hininga.

Mas lumakas ang pagkatok sa pintuan. "Daddy!" mas malakas kong sigaw.

"Dali. . ." Lumabas si Dad galing sa sariling kwarto. "O, nasaan si Theron?"

"He left."

Nangunot ang noo niya. "Tapos na ang project niyo?"

Not yet. But I said he has to leave.

Tumango na lang ako.

"Dad. . ." seryoso ang boses ko pero bakas ang panginginig. "I think someone's outside."

I stepped aside then let Dad open the door. A shadow appeared on the front porch as the light in the inside of the house reflected on a person's physique. Really. But my lips parted in surprise, it wasn't someone I don't recognize at all. It was my cousin Kathy.

"Dali practically shut the door right in my face," she scuffed. "Good evening, Tito."

"Kathlene, naparito ka. . ."

"I was jogging around the neighborhood. When I saw a guy-" Kathy gave me a meaningful look-"walked out from inside of your house. Thought I must pass by to have some catching up with Dali. May manliligaw na ba itong pinsan ko?"

Natawa si Dad sa narinig.

Kathlene's stricking features: brows in a perfect arc, sharp jaws, and plumped lips emphasized her curiosity and eagerness to know what she wanted to know.

I got used to calling her Kathy ever since. Her looks scream the opposite of mine, someone could not possibly tell that we're cousins if neither of us would tell 'cause our personalities differ too. My usual reason is that she's two years older than me so there's not much of a resemblance that can be seen.

Nakatago ang dalawang mga kamay niya sa bulsa ng suot na hoddie. She's wearing her usual sports attire. Siguro pawisan na rin siya galing sa pagtakbo. Pero hindi siya nagpatinag kahit pa umalis na si Dad sa pagkakaharang sa pinto at naiwan kaming dalawang magkaharap at ako, hindi pa rin nagsasalita. Ganito ka tsismosa ang nag-iisa kong pinsan. Kayang tiisin ang katahimikan sa gitna namin nang pangiti-ngiti lang.

"Won't you invite me in?"

"I doubt if you have enough time to spare, Kathy."

She smiled. She knows I'm right. "How are you?"

"Iyan ba talaga ang gusto mong itanong?"

"Well, no. If gusto mong sagutin ang unang tanong ko kanina."

"He's a classmate, Kathy."

"Oh," her lips formed into a dramatic letter 'o'. Too entertained I guess.

Ngumiwi ako.

"Okay next question, how are you doing, Dali?"

"Ano 'to fast talk?"

"Ayos ka lang ba?" malumanay na ang boses niya, still won't shrug off the question.

"I'm fine."

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango, pero ang mga mata ay nakalagi sa akin. "I heard you discovered a dead body."

I nodded, sumagi agad sa isipan ko ang nakitang babae at ang takot na naramdaman ko kani-kanina lang. "Y-Yes, Kathy," mahina kong sagot. "Sa Cielo Costal Route."

"Was the scene horrible?"

Huminga ako nang malalim. "Someone died. It's unfortunate."

She cleared her throat then nodded. "I do hope you're doing fine." Her words weigh more meaning this time.

"We're doing good. Masaya si Dad. Hindi lang naman ako ang nawalan."

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango, bakas ang awa sa mga mata. "Dumaan lang ako, baka gusto mo ulit makisabay mag-work out."

"I'm no bodybuilder, Kathy."

"Pampalipas oras? Pampawala ng lungkot?"

Ngumiti lang ako, sana nga pwedeng ganoon lang ang gawin. Magiging maayos na ang lahat.

"Busy pa sa school eh."

"Some other time then," aniya pagkatapos ay akmang yayakap.

Ako na ang unang lumapit. "For sure."

I maintained a smile on my lips hanggang sa nagpaalam na siya at umalis.

That won't be happening soon, Kathy. Sorry.

I headed straight to my room afterwards, clutching another book I'll read tonight. Both of my earpieces now plunged on my ears silencing my stubborn thoughts inside my head as I try to sing along with the song playing on repeat. Ilang beses akong napapikit sabay buntung hininga.

Siguro namalikmata lang ako kanina.

But I can't deny the fact that. . . what happened tonight wasn't expected at all.

An argument with Theron and an unexpected visit from Kathy. I guess I'll expect more of that in the upcoming days.

I'm so tired of living this monotonous life.

It was Friday when the Team of chosen students to lead the planning of Seniors' Camp gathered in the Arts Center at 5 pm in the afternoon to start preparing the venue. We are a Team of 10. In specificity: 6 girls and 4 boys. Mag-isa lang ako nang nagpunta sa Arts Center kasi pinadaan pa ako sa faculty ng mga teachers na in-charge rin para sa event at nagtanong kung maayos ba ang lahat at nasunod ba ang Time Table ng tasks before the event itself.

Gladly, I didn't have to make up some lies just to save our asses from being reprimanded by the teachers because we are doing things according to plan and schedule.

Nakapaikot na kumpulan ang sumalubong sa akin sa venue. . . wala pang nagawa ni isa pero sa schedule ngayong araw, limang banners ang kailangan naming simulan at isang malaking backdrop. Which would demand talent, skill, hard work, and patience. Naririnig ko na ang usapan nila habang palapit ako nang palapit sa kumpulan, but I warned myself not to be impulsive. I'll work with the team as peacefully as possible.

Nang nakalapit na ako, hindi muna ako nagsalita. Nanatili ako sa likuran at narinig ang boses ni Kyla na nangibabaw matapos tumahimik ang iba at mataman na nakinig. "May ilang students sa kabilang strand na nagtatanong kung bakit sa STEM at HUMSS lang kumuha ng representatives para sa planning team ng Senior's Camp."

"Mukhang may gulong mangyayari bago ang Camp," singit ng isa sa mga lalaki, si Louie.

"Shh," pigil naman ni Eunice. "Quiet, hindi pa siya tapos."

"Fine, fine," sagot nito. "Ge, tuloy mulang, Kyl."

"Aren't we all feeling guilty about this?" tanong naman ni Kyla.

"Guilty for what?" angil ni Gracie. She stood up which lead us to move from our spot, maski ako ay napaatras dahil umatras sina Gina sa harapan ko.

"The faculty told us that there aren't more students who are brave and hardworking enough to volunteer other than us. Now here we are pledging for service to our fellow SHS students, why can't they just be grateful?" pagpapatuloy ni Gracie.

Walang sumunod na nagsalita. I remained silent in my spot too. Just observing until Theron decided to break the silence.

"Intindihin natin sila," ani Theron. "Come to think of it, may iba na gustong makasali sa puwesto natin ngayon, pero dahil tayo ang inatasan nasa atin ang responsibilidad. Let's just make sure we'll not disappoint them. We won't be able to do anything else."

Nagsalubong ang paningin namin ni Gracie, I just smiled. Then caught a glance of some of them nodding their heads as I said, "If that's so, we better start moving. I think we have to divide the group?" saad ko, then paused. "Some will work on the banners and then on the backdrop."

"Banner!" ani Louie.

"Banner!" anunsyo ng isa pa naming kasama.

"Backdrop," simpleng saad ni Gracie, she's now holding a piece of paintbrush.

"Banner," saad ni Theron.

At namili na ang iba pa.

I weighed things. Kung sa banner ako, baka magkanya-kanya sila sa paggawa, eh hindi naman ako masyadong marunong magpinta kaya baka mas makakatulong ako kung ang backdrop ang pipiliin ko.

"I'll be with the backdrop team," I said, everyone else nodded except Gracie which basically give a damn. Kung pwede nga lang magreklamo ginawa niya na. But I proceeded in gathering the materials and laid it out beside her. "Ito 'yong white cloth."

"Thanks," mapakla niyang sabi.

Nagsalapit na rin sa amin ang iba pang gusto tumulong sa paggawa ng backdrop. Since Gracie has an astounding talent in visual arts, siya ang naglead sa design at nag-instruct sa mga gagawin namin. Dala ko na ang sariling paint brush at ang sariling palette.

"Here's the final design, team," ani Theron na bastang sumulpot sa tabi ko.

My lips almost formed into a circle. Turns out the design is finally polished. . . looking at it now, it was like professionally done-with the right contrasts and all that. Theron did an excellent job.

Sa akin niya pala iyon iniabot kaya nagmadali ko iyong tinanggap.

"About last night. . ." he whispered. Hindi ata ganoon kahina ang boses niya dahil ang ilan ay napabaling sa akin matapos marinig ang sinabi ni Theron.

"There's nothing you have to worry," mabilis kong sabi at binalingan ang design na ibinigay niya. "Salamat dito."

He sensed the change in my demeanor. Agad niyang iniwas ang paningin sa akin at tumingin sa ibang kasama namin. "Good luck."

"Let's all work hard, Theron," si Gracie na ang sumagot, with that charming voice which turned into a serious one. Too quickly. "Okay, now let's start."

Painting indeed isn't a piece of cake. Matapos makagawa ng layout sa tela gamit ang lapis, hinati na namin ang portions kung saan kami magsisimulang magpintura. It's a lot of work like we all expected but the process is kinda exciting.

This is what I enjoy most at school. Extracurriculars. It adds to the busyness. It diverts my attention. Makes me feel alive as I accomplish things.

We spent an hour doing the initial touches. Alas sais na at halos wala ng tao sa eskwelahan. Nasa iisang gilid ang mga bags naming lahat. Sa bandang bleachers ginagawa ang banner habang kami ay nasa mismong gitna ng arts center, unti-unting pinipinturahan ang magiging backdrop ng venue. We made sure that we won't be making a mess in the area. Nang nagpaalam ako kanina, sinabi ng faculty na ayos lang daw basta ba ay maayos ang lahat kapag umalis na kami.

They won't be able to supervise us since busy na rin sila sa iba pang kailangan asikasuhin para sa ibang activities na magaganap bago ang graduation. It's still months away from now.

I know we might have made it less hassle if we opted for a tarpaulin. But the teachers wanted it raw which truly emphasizes the skills and dedication of the students in activities like this. Isa pa, sayang ang mga natirang pintura na nakatambak lang sa faculty kung hindi magagamit.

I guess, things are already manageable. Para sa aming seniors, ang kailangan na lang namin isipin ay ang makapagtake in entrance exam sa mga universities, maghanda para sa final exam at research defense, expo, graduation ball tapos ay graduation day. Okay, I guess marami pang magaganap. That realization made me smile.

Madilim na siguro sa labas pero dahil naka-on naman ang fluorescent lights sa loob ng arts center, hindi kami nag-alala. I think the guards are already roaming around the campus. Ilang minuto mula ngayon, kailangan na naming umuwi.

Nagpagpag ng damit si Gracie at tumayo na para titigan ang nasimulan namin. Napatango-tango siya. Magkasabay naman kaming tumayo nina Kyla, Eunice at Gina at pinagmasdan na rin ang nagawa.

"Great," ani Kyla. "Your measurements are precise, Gracie."

"Woah." Napatakip ng bibig si Eunice habang nakatitig sa tela na nasa sahig. "Tayo ba talaga ang gumawa nito?"

I understood her astonishment. Tama nga naman na saktong sakto ang sukat ng mga icons sa id-in-rawing sa bandang gili. The colors aren't still complete but all the icons and words that were already drawn on the cloth are all set for some dark outlining to emphasize its details. Nakatayo ako at nakaharap sa mismong tela, kaya kitang-kita ko ang kubuuang design. Napangiti na rin ako.

Sa bandang kanan ay makikita ang hollow human icons na magkakahawak ang mga kamay. Sa gitna ay nakasulat ang napagkasunduang theme ng event at sa bandang gilid ay isang tent na nakastretch mula sa isang dulo hanggang sa kabila. At dahil may malaking space pa sa bandang ibabaw, ginuhitan iyon ng tatlong sarangola.

"Marami pang kulang 'to," ani Gracie, ang buhok na kanina ay ipinangko niya ay nakabuhayhay na habang nagpapahid siya ng pawis.

Napahawak ako sa noo ko, gladly, hindi pa ako pinagpapawisan. Wala akong dalang panyo.

"Do we need to finish this one tonight?" tanong ni Eunice, ngayon ay panay na ang pagtitig sa cellphone. "Pwedeng mauna na kami ni Kyla? Nasa labas na kasi ang sundo ko, ihahatid ko pa siya sa kanila."

"Ako rin," ani Gina. "Kailangan na ako sa bahay."

Dahil sa narinig, napakapa-kapa na rin si Gracie sa cellphone. "Wait, what time is it?"

"It's almost seven," ani Eunice. "Una na kami."

Tumango ako at ngumiti. "Thank you for the hard work, Eunice, Kyla, Gina."

They all smiled back. "Bawi kami tomorrow."

Nang nakaalis sila ay kaming dalawa na lang ni Gracie ang naiwang nakatayo sa bandang gitna ng gym. "Ililigpit ko na lang ang mga gamit, bukas na lang natin 'to tapusin."

Hindi ata narinig ni Gracie ang sinabi ko dahil tumalikod siya at inis na inilapit ang cellphone sa tenga. "What? I told you I have things to do pa rito. . ."

Hindi ko gustong makinig sa sinasabi niya pero sa lakas ng boses, wala akong magawa.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagliligpit, una ay ang mga gamit na binili para talaga sa Camp at panghuli ay ang mga personal kong mga gamit na dinala ko na rin baka sakaling makatulong.

Nailagay ko na sa isang cellophane ang lahat ng paint brushes pati na ang mga lapis, gunting, newspapers at iba. Napatitig ako sa mga kasama namin na andoon sa bleachers, nasa isang kumpulan. Mas marami pala sila doon. Seven of us only remained up to this hour.

Huminga na ako nang malalim habang si Gracie ay mas naiirita sa kausap niya sa kabilang linya. "No! That's not true, I'm still at school, Ma!"

Tumikhim ako. It's late already baka pinapagalitan na siya at kailangan nang pauwiin. I took the initiative to catch her attention. Ilang beses ko siyang tinawag para sana sabihan na pwede na siyang umuwi at kami na lang ang bahala, pero hindi niya ako narinig. Kaya nilakasan ko ang boses, "Gracie," I said, making sure she'll really hear me this time.

"What?!" She suddenly blurted out as she faces me, dala-dala ko noon ang isang lata ng pintura para dalhin sa isang gilid pero dahil sa biglaan niyang pagkilos, natamaan niya ako at naitaob ko ang lata sa sarili. . . at sa sahig.

"Shit!" she shouted at me. "Ba't hindi ka nag-iingat, Dali!"

And I stood there. . . my face losing its color—shocked and horrified as I saw the mess.