TW: | mentions: nightmares, self-harm, eating disorder

"I think that's Cedric Diggory."

"Davina, are you okay? Breathe Davina!" 

I ran out of the stands and stood in line of the student that was dead on the floor. I saw Cedric, the boy who I had pulled aside before this task to kiss and say good luck. He was now pale and lifeless. His father ran over to him and I saw Harry look distraught. I saw Cho tearing up too and It was too real. I couldn't breathe, I didn't want to, Cedric wasn't here and breathing so why should I? 

I ran from everyone in hopes that no one would see me. I went to the forest and leant against a tree. I just let all my sadness out with a loud and painful wail. My stomach was aching and my legs gave way. 

I couldn't see from the amount of tears that filled my eyes but I had felt a presence near me. I wiped my eyes and blinked a few times and shot my head around me. A blue almost white transparent figure stood next to me and it became more clear for me to see that it was Cedric. I started to cry again but I heard him talk.

"Please don't cry Davina, I just want you to know that I want you to be happy, don't worry about me". I cried harder and I fell down against the tree. "Please Davina," I heard his voice break and I felt his hand on my cheek, "I love you." I glanced at him right as he disappeared and then I started to scream again. It was like my insides had stopped working because they lost their purpose. 

"I love you too."

"Davina, merlin!" Mattheo ran to me and carried me to the castle. I was still crying and his shirt was soaked. I was exhausted, physically and mentally.

"I guess you kept him a secret then. Bloody hell Davina, why didn't you say anything?" I was so tired and my eyes closed. I felt him put me in his bed and he had taken off my shoes and put me in one of his jumpers. I fell asleep to the sound of Cedric saying 'I love you'.

"Davina, hey wake up, you're okay." My eyes shot open and my heart felt like it had jumped out of my chest. I turned to see Michael trying to calm me down. "Are you alright you've been screaming in pain, what's wrong?"

"The um, the nightmares I was talking about earlier. Although they're not nightmares, it's just a memory that I relive every single fucking night."

"Is it about..."

"Yeah it is. It's the night he had died and I saw him on the ground."

"Do you want me here?"

"Yes, I don't want to go back to sleep. Sleep makes me exhausted, and yes I know that makes no sense."

"It does, but you have to face the memory, you haven't moved on, that's why you haven't been with anyone else. You've closed yourself off."

"I wasn't consciously aware so it's not my fault."

I nestled myself into him and we both laid there closing our eyes. He was so tall and lanky that he made a nice comforter. 

"Miss Claire, you are able to leave now but if you feel dizzy or lightheaded at any point of the day come see me. Breakfast is being served in the great hall now, and Mr Corner I don't think you want a professor to catch you in here like that." We had both opened our eyes and jumped out of the bed. I did not know that it was already breakfast. We both went to our dorms so that we weren't caught together and in the same clothes as yesterday.

I got to the dorm and I showered and changed. Then I hurried to the hall before breakfast was over. I sat with Draco and Mat at our usual place on our table - the middle, and I put myself some cereal. 

"You're back."

"Mhm, yep. All better now." I saw Michael walk in and look at me and I looked at him. both Draco and Mat turned to see what I was looking at and picked up on what was going on. I took a spoonful of cereal and then I pushed it aside pretending to not be hungry.

"I'm not hungry so I'm going to take a walk."

"I am coming with you." Of course he is. 

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"You can't lie to us forever." He stopped our walk outside on the path that leads to Hagrid's cottage. 

"Mat I just want to be alone."

"I understand, seen as how you haven't been alone all night." I crossed my arms and we kept eyeing each other off. "Don't you remember what happened the last time you didn't tell me about a guy you were involved with. I don't even want to know how many other secret relationships you've had since." Now it my turn to snapped.

"Believe me, I fucking remember. It's been playing on a loop in my mind and it's driving me fucking crazy. Why do you think I lost balance? I haven't been with anyone since Cedric and I still am not with anyone. Michael and I are just having fun because he knows about Cedric and we both want something but don't want relationships so there, I told you." He stood there, silent and then he looked behind me so I turned around and saw Draco. For fucks' sake. "Well I guess I told you now too."

"You dated Cedric Diggory and you're fucking that Ravenclaw." I didn't have the energy to fight back so I just nodded. "Why didn't you tell me. I've known you for your entire life, I told you that I'm here why don't you listen."

"Draco just calm down Davina is struggling-"

"No, I'm leaving its fine, just share with everyone else, I'm not important. Better yet, go fuck Corner to get your mind off things." I knelt down and put my head in my hands. Why is this happening right now. My chest felt tight. 

"Davina, you never told me about Cedric, I just guessed by your reaction to him dying. Can you just briefly tell me so I understand, because I don't want to do that." He said. He looked uncomfortable, but he seemed really concerned. It was these moments when I disappointed the people I love where I really hated myself. I exhaled. 

"We were each other's firsts, we fell in love and dated for a year or so and so when he died I felt broken and lost. I haven't let myself grow feelings for anyone else because it feels like I'm betraying him in a way. We had never broken up so I just tell myself that we'll be together forever. Michael knew about it and comforted me, and we both agreed that we would have a friends with benefits type of thing. He stayed in my hospital room because he knew why I fell off my broom. He was there for me this morning when I had that dream again." He didn't have anything to say. "I don't tell you and Draco about my problems because I know you both have your own and I love you both so I don't want you guys to worry about me."

"We worry more because we know you're not okay and we don't know why. Like yesterday with your broom." I didn't know what to say and he looked so concerned looking down at me, I felt so small. "What's your dream about." I exhaled. 

"It's just his death and my breakdown that plays in my head. I had also seen his ghost that night but I think it was me hallucinating." 

"Are you alright?" He said, I'd guessed it was about everything. 

"No, but I will be. This happened last year just not as bad. When I think about Cedric I have those dreams and I feel the pain all over again so I block him out, but I can't do it anymore."

"Davina, you need to move on, you have to let him go."

"I know, I'll try, but I don't think I will." His face tensed, and he deep breathed.

"I see you and Michael, maybe give that a go. He definitely likes you, no guy can have a friends with benefits relationship without getting attached. I don't know about girls though." I got up and he hugged me tightly. "Thanks for telling me, I know it was hard. I'll get Draco to come around."                                                                                             

"Tell him about me and Cedric, he won't like it coming from me. Then I'll talk to him because I know why he is upset." Mat nodded. 

Mattheo and Draco are my family and I hate hurting them. I know that telling them what's going on will help but I just don't know how to do that. I'll have to try, for them. I have to move on now. I've told that to myself but now I believe it, I believe that that's what I need to do to be okay. It's taken me a while, but I got there in the end. He smiled down at me and began walking off. 

"Perfect timing," he said and I didn't understand why until Michael came into view. 

"Hey," I said awkwardly. 

"Hi. I almost got killed by Draco."

"What!?" I lifted my head from the ground and saw the bruise on his face that was beginning to turn purple. "Go to Pomfrey."

"It's fine, he stopped after Snape dragged him away. Now I guess Riddle will deal with him."

"No, I should go to him, he's always angry, I've always helped him with that."

"Can you just wait a moment before you leave."

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Can we not do this?"

"Do what?"

"The friends with benefits thing."

"Oh, um, yeah of course whatever you're comfortable with." My face dropped a bit, I guess it was selfish to rely on him to get over Cedric.

"No, I mean can we do more?" I looked up at again.

"Are you talking about, being in a relationship, like with feelings and things?"

"Yeah, well I was trying to. So what's your answer?"

"Yeah, I want to." We both smiled at each other, then I joked, "so just to be clear, you grew feelings for me."

"Oh be quiet."

"You have feelings for me, you have feelings for me." I made it into a chant as we went back inside the castle. We reached the hall that goes to the dungeons so I stopped and turned to him. 

"Yeah I know. Be careful."

"No, Draco would never hurt me. I'll see you later, okay."

"Okay." I turned but he pulled me back. "I can do this whenever I want to now," he smirked and then he kissed me softly. He let me leave this time and I smiled to myself. Then it dropped as I reached the common room. I went through our passageway entrance and I could hear Draco.

"I'm not saying it again, leave me alone. All of you, Crabbe, Goyle, Blaise, just leave." I heard them run up to their dorms, "Riddle," he paused, "leave." 

"Mate, you need to calm down a bit."

"Oh shove off." Now I needed to walk in. They both looked at me and Draco looked away immediately. "For merlin's sake Riddle, piss off!"

"Don't talk to me like that Malfoy!" He pushed Draco so Draco pushed back. I ran to them and I nudged myself in-between them and Draco almost got me in the face but he stopped as soon as he saw me. 

"Mat, go."

"I'm not leaving you with him like this."

"He won't hurt me. Go." Mat deep breathed and then walked out.

"Draco," I said softly. He had his eyes closed and he was trying to control his breathing. I grabbed his hand and I linked it with mine. Heat was emanating from his skin.

"Davina, you should go, I don't want to be angry with you."

"Let it out, I know you won't hurt me, so just yell."

"No, I won't."

"I'm not leaving Draco."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He started to pace, "why didn't you tell me anything?" He stopped and looked directly at me now. "You could've told me about Cedric, you could've told me about Corner, you could've bloody come to me when you needed me. I was there for you through everything, and you were there for me. Davina, why?"

"Draco I-"

"Show me. I can tell how bad you are, I've noticed for days. You've skipped meals, you don't sleep, you don't listen in class, you've just seemed empty. So show me."

"Show you what Draco?" He was getting really angry now and he rushed towards me and I didn't move an inch. He lifted my arm and pushed up my sleeve. Fuck.