Trigger Warnings: Blood, Injury, Knifing, Mentioned Alcohol, Mentioned Death, Panic Attack (Incredibly Minor), Swearing

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Words: 3,030

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Clara didn't expect to open the door to her son, Kaz, awkwardly leaning heavily against the wall and his cane, pressing his free hand to something under his shirt.

She blinked at him, once, twice, before the words spilled out, "What in Ghezen's name did you do?"

"I messed up," He told her, voice strained. "Big time." She approached him slowly, relieved when Kaz let her put his arm around her shoulder and dragged him into her kitchen, where she forced him to sit as she got the first aid supplies.

When she entered the bright room again, his jacket was off, thrown onto the back of one of her chairs, suspenders pulled down and pooled around him, and she could now see the growing red stain on his side. She froze, "Who did this to you?"

"He's dead," Kaz told her. She nodded, swallowing down the images in her head.

"What did he do, though?" She asked as she started to wash her hands.

"Knifed me, that son of a bitch." Clara gave him a look, and he tried to slouch down, but stopped as his face twisted in pain.

Pulling up a chair, she told Kaz to remove his hand, and he did as he was told. Frowning as his breaths grew more ragged, she gently pulled back his shirt.

The wound wasn't horrible, and she knew enough first aid to make sure her son wouldn't bleed out in the kitchen she had spent months refurbishing. But she knew she would have to call a doctor, just in case. She would discuss it with Kaz later.

He was silent as she wiped the blood away, silent as she bandaged the wounds. His silence was deafening, holding the room hostage.

She had never feared her child, nor did she now, but she knew this was the silence that sent men running, that turned hands over, purple krudge and golden coin in hand. But his eyes weren't hard now, and he looked at his mother with a softness only a few other souls had seen.

"There," she said as she finished. Kaz nodded, pulling his shirt back on, leaving the suspenders.

"Where is Aleid?"

Clara couldn't hide her grin. Kaz was almost a different person around Aleid, hands overturned and gentle. Aleid's small hands would settle into his open palm, sometimes gloved sometimes not, and the lockpicks fingers would curl over.

Hands that had ended lives, hands coated—no—stained, with blood, hands with a thousand rumours around them. They were always softened by the touch of the innocent.

"She's at school," Clara told him. "You should rest."

"I need to get back to Ketterdam," Kaz said in a prim voice.

Clara rolled her eyes, "Why were you this far South anyways?"

"Long story," he says with a wave of his hand, which causes him to wince as the muscles in his side pull.

"Sweet Ghezen, be careful," Clara warned. "You are not leaving for Ketterdam today. You can survive one night away."

Kaz opened his mouth to argue, but the glare she sent over his shoulder caused him pause. He swallowed, looking around, before asking tentatively. "Whiskey?"

Clara didn't even look over her shoulder, "Absolutely not." He glowered.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Clara suddenly swore, causing Kaz's eyes to jump to her. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"Clara's bringing friends over for a sleepover tonight."

Oh.

"Well, I guess I should leave," Kaz said, moving to stand up.

"You sit down right now. You aren't going anywhere." Kaz stopped, and looked at her. "Sweet Ghezen, Kaz, it's fine. I'll just need to tell them not to bother you."

"And the parents? I don't think they'll be very keen on the bastard of the barrel within a mile of their children," There was a light humour to his voice.

"The bastard of the barrel is not here though. Only my son, who is tired from his trip from Ketterdam, and who has come to visit," She hesitated. "Is that okay?"

He nodded. "Kaz Rietveld," He tried.

"Kaz Rietveld," She repeated, glancing at his rolled up sleeves and the tattoo. "Keep that hidden."

"I have another tattoo," he says suddenly, ignoring her prior comment.

"You do now?"

His voice is tight, "It's an R," he reaches up to brush his bicep, on the same arm as the other tattoo.

"For Rietveld," Clara guesses, breathless.

Kaz nods, "And to remind me what I was doing everything for—Jordie. And now it reminds me that I still have things to lose, to remain diligent. For you. For Aleid." For Inej, Clara silently added.

They watch each other for a moment, before Clara looks at the clock. "Aleid will be here soon, and if you're not going to rest, try and at least look half-alive."

He frowns at her, but does as he's told, picking up his cane and jacket and limping towards the guest room. As he walks through the farmhouse, he sees traces of the house it had once been; the small rooms, and cramped life, but an undeniable hominess. It's bigger now, by a good amount, but the hominess remains.

He opens the door, throwing his soiled jacket on the floor. He knows his mother keeps spare clothes for him somewhere in this room, and he finds them after very little searching. He changes.

He won't admit it, but the bed looks really freaking comfortable. He distantly remembers standing on the docks with Inej, and her commenting on how staying with Wylan and Jesper and their plush feather beds had made her lazy. He couldn't be sure—he was too busy watching her to remember what she had said.

Before he could shut down the human desire for sleep within him, he was crashing onto the bed, asleep within moments.

♛♢♛

Despite his exhaustion, he still was a light sleeper. So when the door creaked open, when the soft footsteps padded over, he awoke, eyes opening. His head, buried into the pillow, tilts up to see who has entered.

He saw his baby sister—because honestly she is a baby, she's barely even ten—Aleid, standing next to his bed, smiling.

He blinked at her, once, twice, before turning and putting his head back in the pillow. "Let me sleep, Aleid."

"But I want you to meet my friends!" He looked at her again, leveling her with a toned down version of the look he gives the dregs who try to argue with him. She frowned.

He's saved by his mother sweeping into the room, sending Aleid a scornful look, "Aleid, I told you to leave Kaz alone."

"But he wants to meet my friends!"

"No, I don't."

His mother sighed, glancing between her kids. Aleid stuck her tongue out at Kaz, and he rolled his eyes in response. Clara, thankfully, didn't notice. "You two figure it out. I need to make dinner."

The door clicks shut behind her, and Aleid pounced on his bed, trying to do...something. He shoved her off, lightly, which caused her to laugh as she tried to attack Kaz. He didn't laugh, but he smiled and that itself was a rare currency.

"Please, Kaz, come meet them," she said, tugging on his sleeve. "They'll love you."

He sighed, looking at her eyes. So much like his, dark pools of ink that one day, someone may get lost in. He pushed the thoughts away. "Come on, Kaz. They aren't that annoying."

"You need to have more faith in them," Kaz told her, ignoring the lack of faith he's consistently had in the five, no four, idiots he surrounds himself with. He sighed heavily, glancing at Aleid. "Fine."

She cheered and ran out of the room, leaving the door wide open. He could hear voices in the main room, voices and laughter. He stood up, putting as little pressure as he can on his bad leg, and limped over to where his cane was propped against the wall. He hesitated.

Kaz knew Aleid had heard stories of his...exploits in school. He didn't know what they said, didn't know if the kids would recognise the crow headed cane. He swallowed, and grabbed the cane, hoping he could keep it away from prying eyes.

He made his way to the front room, glad that the group seemed to be convened in the kitchen. He walked in quietly, sitting at the dining table. Only his mother noticed him, and Aleid and her three friends bustled around the kitchen helping her cook. He watched with a small smile.

Aleid noticed him first, and her face broke out into a wide grin. She gestured to him and three new and unknown eyes were on him. He turned away, fishing in his pockets for something. He didn't find them, and remembered what he was looking for was in his coat.

"Aleid?" She looked at him from where she was whispering with her friends. "Could you get my coat for me?"

"It's being washed," She said with a glance to Clara.

"What are you looking for?" His mother asked.

"My cards."

"Oh!" Aleid said. "They're not in your coat anymore. I'll go get them!" She left the room quickly, and Kaz gave a half-smile.

Her friends still helped Clara, but he didn't miss the periodic glances. But soon enough, his cards were handed to him. The feeling of them flying through his fingers grounded him, and allowed him to sort through his thoughts.

He paused, remembering that there was supposed to be a rendezvous for his team. There they would meet up and head home. In his pain, he'd forgotten, and headed home. That meant a few things, but mainly that Inej was not going to be happy when she saw him.

He just hoped she didn't think he was dead.

A cold thought hit him. What if she was injured, or lost, or dead? She had no waiting home like he did. Dread pooled in the pit of the stomach, his jaw ticked, and his fingers had to move. And so did the cards.

The kids sat at the table with him, watching his hands move. They didn't see the gears turning in the head, the way he organised his memories and his mind, their eyes were fixed on the cards in his hand.

He put the cards away as his mom set the bowls of soup she made for dinner on the table, and dug in quickly. His mother made conversation with Aleid and her friends, and he watched quietly. He was content to be ignored.

Someone knocked at the door, and he sat up, eyes trying to find the door. Alas, it was blocked by walls. His mother stood up, graceful as ever, to answer the door. Aleid looked at him.

"Who is it?" She asked.

He looked at her. "I don't know, Aleid. I can't see through walls."

Then he heard her voice, carrying through the house like waves on a beach. He straightened, ignoring the kids looks. "Is Kaz here?" He heard her say. His mom was speaking, but he couldn't hear her, as his eyes searched for her.

Footsteps, fast and sure, grew louder, coming towards the kitchen. She was running. He stood up just as she entered the room, barreling into his arms.

The water lapped as he wrapped his arms around her, as he buried a hand into her hair, as her fingers held his neck delicately, fluttering like feathers in the wind. She pressed her head into his chest, and he pressed a grateful kiss to the crown of her head.

She looked at him, voice breathless "You silly boy."

He smiled at her, before pulling her into another hug. He could feel Aleid and her three friends eyes on him, but he ignored them in favour of Inej. She pulled back, and pressed a hand to his side, right above the wound.

"You are hurt," She stated simply.

"You saw?"

She nodded, hand hiking under his shirt to touch the bandaged. Upon feeling them, she nodded, and took him by the wrist to drag him to the hall for a bit of privacy. It was there she threw her arms around him again.

He held her close to him, but the terror overtook him. He pulled away, breaths rising, before taking her wrist, and feeling for her pulse. She was gentle as she took his fingers, guiding them so they rested above her beating heart. He swallowed as he felt its drum, closing his eyes.

"Alive," he whispered.

"Alive," She reassured.

"Who're the kids?" She asked him after a moment.

"Aleid's friends. I didn't catch their names." He opened his eyes. "Stay."

"You're not running home?" She teased him, arms snaking around him slowly, carefully, always watching how he feels.

He shook his head, "Ma won't let me. I tried though."

"Stay," he repeated.

She smiled at him, showing a sliver of her white teeth. "If you insist."

♛♢♛

Aleid was very happy that Inej is here, because she liked her, and she made Kaz happy and he always smiled when she was there. They sat in the living room, playing a murder-mystery board game with Inej, who kept on sharing conspiritorial glances with Kaz, who was banned from playing after he won three times in a row.

Valerie sat to her left, and Isla to her right. Her third friend, Sofie, sat between Inej and Valerie. The four girls kept on giggling as they played, especially when they made claims about who had committed the crime.

"Jesper would suck at this game," Her older brother commented suddenly, causing Inej to snort.

"He does. I played with him, Wylan, and Nina one day, and he was horrible. He was half-drunk though—we all were." Kaz tilted his head in acknowledgement.

"What do you do?" Valerie asked, green eyes bright as she looked at Inej.

"I'm a Captain of a boat," Inej said simply before playing out her turn. The three other girls' jaws dropped, a thousand questions on their lips. The game was paused as Inej answered their questions, sometimes exchanging a look Aleid knew she would never understand with Kaz.

They had always been like that.

♛♢♛

He sat on the roof, the whispering wind rustling his night clothes as he sat under the stars he so rarely saw in the city. His beloved lay in bed inside, warm and tucked between the sheets. Him? Well, he couldn't sleep.

He looked up as heard a window open, and frowned as a little girl climbed across the roof to him. "Aleid?" He asked, voice cutting through the silence of the country. "What are you doing awake?"

She had reached his side by now, and he could see her rubbing her sleeve over her face. "Bad dream," she mumbled. "I didn't want to wake mama." He paused. He had seen Inej have a bad dream before, and he'd had his own fare share but they always needed space, not comfort. Aleid, on the other hand.

"Come here," the words slipped out before he could stop them, and he internally winced. Aleid stepped over quietly, shivering in her nightgown as she sat down next to him, pressing close for his warmth. Strangely, her touch seemed to elicit very little feeling of terror and drowning in him.

It wasn't very cold out for him, so he took off his nice coat, putting it over her shoulders. He smiled at her, swathed in a jacket that was far too large for her. But she seemed warm, and slowly her shivering died down.

"What was in the dream?" He asked.

"I can't remember," She admitted, voice quiet. He nodded.

"That's okay." She looked at him.

"Why can't you stay with us? Mama and I. You always get hurt. I don't like when you get hurt." He sighed between his teeth, looking up at the stars.

"You wouldn't understand," Is all he can say.

She crosses her arms, glaring at him. "I would."

He shakes his head. "No, Aleid. You wouldn't." I barely understand sometimes, he should say. The world is confusing and messy, and I don't have all the answers.

She pouts, but presses no further. They watch the stars for a few minutes.

"Do you love Inej?" She asks suddenly, surprising him. He meets her eyes, expecting to see humour and mirth, but instead he sees a focused and intent face.

"Yes," he says after a moment of thinking. "I love Inej. I love her with everything I had."

"I think Mama loves someone." She states, matter of fact. "Captain Zaytsev, but he tells me to call him Yakov. He's the man who found Mama and I in Ravka."

The words sting, but he knows already. He knows more about Mr. Zaytsev then his mom likely does, out of pure caution. "Do you like him?"

"I do. He brings me toys and sweets, and he brings Mama flowers the colour of her favourite scarf. Do you like him, Kaz? Because if he becomes my Papa, he becomes yours too."

"He sounds like a good man," He says carefully. "But I have never met him. And...he won't be my dad."

"Why not?" Her eyes are wide, innocent.

He shrugs. "Because."

She pouts again, grumbling "That's not an answer." He just shakes his head.

He puts an arm around her, and she curls a bit closer to him. He likes this feeling, of someone he knows is safe next to him, of someone not yet tarnished by the hellish world she lived in. Someone who was sweet and good, someone who saw him only as good.

One day she would understand, and maybe her heart would turn against him. But for now, she saw her brother as good and whole and perfect, and when he was there, he was her entire world. It felt nice, being loved that way.

"I will come by more this summer, if I have time." He tells her, not lying.

Her eyes shine. "Really?"

"Yes really."

She hugs him then, small arms wrapping around his neck. "I can't wait!"

"I can't either."

And it was true.