Kaz and Inej discuss the details of what love is, to them.

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Trigger Warnings: Acephobia, Internalised Acephobia, Mentions of Sex, Self Hatred

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Words: 2,755

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Kaz Brekker was handsome in daylight.

The sun casting long planes of shadows over the harsh lines of his suit and face, barely catching on the head of his cane, glimmering in the dawn.

Inej doesn't want to take her eyes off him as her ship pulls into the ever familiar harbour, but there are still a handful of things she needs to do. First, she finds her parents and her Aunt Ama and Uncle Temn, preparing to disembark and packing their final things and gives them five minutes of warning.

They're visiting for the summer months. Inej's Mama and Papa want to catch of with Wylan's mom, having become close to her, and her aunt and uncle were insistent on finally meeting her elusive Kerch lover.

She knew her Aunt was not a huge fan of him, despite having never met him. Maybe it was the fact he was a criminal, or that he wasn't religious, or that their small wedding had been quick and unimportant, just another thing that happened that day. Neither of them needed a grand wedding with flowers and gold and everyone under the sun in attendance. All they needed were Kaz, Inej, the Pastor, and Jesper and Wylan, who had been the only guests.

It was their kind of love and Aunt Ama didn't understand it. But Inej didn't need the approval of her, as much as she loved her aunt, it truly wasn't her business. Inej ignored the roll of her eyes as Inej stepped out of the room to give orders to her crew.

They docked and moored and Inej, not needing to gather any of her bags quite yet, disembarked immediately, heading straight for him. She stopped barely a foot away from him, and his hand, gloved, took hers in his, bringing it to her lips.

She couldn't stop the rush of love she felt even at the barest touches, glove or no glove, skin on skin, skin on leather, so the ghost of a kiss on her knuckles, caused her to start smiling like an idiot. He met her eyes, something burning deep inside his, and the barest hint of a grin passed over his face.

"Inej," he murmured, the quiet tone in stark difference to his raspy voice.

"Kaz," she replied somewhat breathlessly. Her hand, gently finding its way in his, the heat of his hand barely pressing through the black leather.

"Sorry about the gloves," he says, eyes glancing up at the approach of Inej's family, "It's been a hard week."

Inej gives him a sad, yet encouraging smile, "It's okay, Kaz. There's always another day."

And by now, her family has arrived. Mama and Papa incline their heads to Kaz, cordially greeting him. Uncle Temn shakes his hand and introduces himself and his wife, and even Aunt Ama manages to put a smile on her face without snark or snide.

She can't fault her for this, Inej has to remind herself. She's making fair assumptions about Kaz from what little she knows and has heard of him, and Inej supposes it's her love for her beloved niece that causes this distrust.

You deserve a prince, She had told her, many years ago as she braided her hair in her caravan.

A handsome, rich, and loving prince. Someone who will take care of you and love you. Who will wed you will a ring of pure gold and a crown to go with it. Who will love you and remain faithful despite anything. She tilted her head, trying to get a better angle to braid her hair. You deserve a prince Neja, and one day you'll find one.

Inej didn't want a prince. She wanted Kaz and only Kaz. No matter if he was King of the Barrel forever or if he was thrown out in shame tomorrow. She wanted him. Him and all his flaws. But don't get mad at Aunt Ama, Inej reminded herself again, she doesn't understand.

"Will you be joining us to Jesper and Wylans place?" Inej asks him.

Regretfully, he shakes his head. "I have things to finish up. I'll be at dinner though."

Inej smiles, knowing this is an effort for him. Kaz didn't like dinner parties, and the fact he was attempting to make face, for her, warmed her heart, "Okay."

"I'll see you then."

A thousand unspoken words hang between them, and Inej cannot wait for the moment where they can finally be alone and talk until they can't anymore. But for now, Inej just replies with a simple, "I'll see you too."

And they part ways, fingers brushing over one another as they come undone. A fleeting promise of something else. Something for later. Their eyes meet one more time, glances over shoulders, but then they're whisked away into separate crowds.

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The table was set for nine, but the ninth member was yet to show. Dinner would be starting in less than ten, and Kaz was nowhere to be found.

Nervously, Inej paced the back hall, glancing out the windows near the door, facing the alley, for any sign of him. She hears footsteps and sees Jesper coming into the hall through the hallway to the right.

"No sign of him?" he asks, glancing out the windows. Inej shook her head, glancing out the windows one more time. A hand took her by the elbow, stopping her.

"'Nej, he's alright. He may just be running late, he's been swamped with work lately. Or his leg could be acting up tonight." Inej nods along, aware of how reasonable that sounds, but she can't stop the nerves.

Two minutes later, she sees him, slipping through the shadows as he stealthily approaches the house. And then, the door opens unlocked just for him, and he saunters in, cane clicking against the floor.

He nodded at Jesper as he took off his jacket, putting it on the rack. He removes his hat and finally addresses his friends, "Leg was giving me trouble."

Jesper gives Inej a pointed look, "Told you so!" He said as he left the room, heading towards the kitchen. "Dinner in five!" Inej rolls her eyes.

Turning to him, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he says, "I just need to sit down." Inej nods, and together they walk towards the dining room, taking their spots at the already full table. They make their own small talk, and soon enough, dinner was served.

Kaz wasn't much of a talker, and Inej had regretfully neglected to inform him that her aunt and uncle were. Aunt Ama especially pressed on their relationship, making her disdain of not being invited to the wedding clear. Inej was just about to speak when her mother cut in.

"Sister, let him be. Kaz and Inej are adults and can get married whenever and with whomever, they want in attendance. This is not our decision to make." Kaz gave her a subtle nod of thanks.

"I would have just loved to see her in her dress!" Her dress had actually been her Captain's outfit, but she didn't need to know that.

"We all would have loved to, but Inej can make her own decisions." Her father cut in.

"Thank you, Papa," Inej said sharply, hand tightening only a little bit around her knife.

Uncle Temn broke the awkward silence, "You boys any good at cards?"

Jesper tensed, but Kaz seemed to relax. While Wylan glanced at Jesper and mouthed his concerns, Marya onlooking, Kaz smiled, relaxed for the first time that night. "Yes, I'm very good with cards."

"Good enough to get kicked out of every Gambling Den on the East Stave, because he doesn't lose." Jesper teased, trying to knock out some of his tension.

Uncle Temn's eyebrows shot up, "Why?"

"Following cards, counting them, possibly controlling the deck, and like Jesper said, not losing and taking a good sum of money," Kaz grinned again.

Aunt Ama gave a small huff, but it was heard by everyone. She muttered something under her breath.

"If you want to say something, please do," Kaz snapped, tired of her huffs and side-eyed glances.

"Kaz," Inej said.

But Ama had been challenged and was not stepping back now, "Yes, I would like to know why you think you can just marry my niece. The Inej I know wouldn't settle for a petty criminal-"

"I did not settle for Kaz." Inej hisses, outraged. Jesper glances between the three, hands slowly drawing to his pistols.

"How dare you." Kaz spits, "How dare you comment on what little you know. You forget who I am-"

"Kaz," Inej warns again. She may be angry at her aunt, but she doesn't need Kaz to go off at her. It would only make the situation worse.

"Fine!" He says, throwing up his hands and pushing himself away from the table. He grabs his cane and mutters something about the spare office, before disappearing.

Inej eyes her aunt, pale and shaking. "Why did you do that?" She growls.

"Inej, dear-" her voice quavers.

"Do not dear, me. Answer my question."

"I-I- just don't think he's right for you. You deserve someone better, someone, who isn't-"

"Crippled?" Inej says, stabbing at her food. "Who doesn't walk with a limp? Who hasn't suffered, who hasn't seen what I have seen?" She sighs, "Auntie, I love you, I do. But you don't get to decide what is good for me. I know what is good for me."

"Neja, dear, you are still young. And when you grow older and want love and passion, will he give it to you?" Inej reels back. There's a steady hand on her shoulder, and she hears Jesper speak with a low voice.

"You can retire now, Miss."

"No," Inej says, meeting her eyes. "You do not get to say that to me. You do not get to press your expectations of what love and marriage are on me. You do not get to expect something neither of us can give in a relationship that doesn't have anything to do with you."

Inej stands up, muttering about not being hungry, and she hears Jesper and Wylan excuse themselves, following after her.

"Inej?" Jesper says gently as he finds her standing in the hall, fists balled at her sides "Inej, can you talk to us?"

She lifts her head skyward, stopping the tears that threaten to spill. "Why?" She mutters, "Why, Aunt Ama, I thought she was better than this."

Jesper puts a hand on her shoulder, crouching down a bit so they're eye level. "She messed up. Big time. I'm just going to say it: what she said was ignorant and hurtful and you and Kaz don't need that. Take a rest Inej, we have an open bed for you."

Inej nods, meeting his eyes with a sad sorta smile. "Do you know where Kaz went?"

"I think he said he was going to the spare office. The one he uses whenever he stays over." Wylan supplies. "I'll clean up dinner." Jesper and Wylan exchange a chaste kiss, and Jesper glances out the windows.

"It's not too dark so I'll run over to the Wraith to get your stuff, mkay?" Inej nods and thanks him, pulling her light jacket closer to her as he leaves.

Silent as a mouse, she heads to the office, opening the door. She sees him, at the desk, reading through some papers. She knows he knows she's here, even though he doesn't say anything.

Quietly, she stands behind him, hands coming to rest gently on his shoulders.

"Why..." he rasps, "Why do you stay?"

"What?" She asks, surprised by the sudden question.

He doesn't answer or even glance at her, eyes staying trained on his page, "You don't have to..."

"I don't have to?" She asks, already knowing where this is going.

"You don't have to stay. You don't have to come back. You could just leave, and there would be nothing stopping you." He says, pain creeping up in his voice.

"I stay because there are things that are worth staying here for." She says simply. "You, Jesper, Wylan. The dregs."

He lets out a pained laugh. "I'm not worth staying for Inej. I'm really not." He glances at the gloves on his hand, the cane resting against the desk, "I don't think I'll ever be."

"Kaz," she breathes. "Oh, Kaz. You're going to be worth coming back to for as long as the sun rises." She takes his gloved hand, finger rubbing over the small bulge the gold band on his finger makes, "And if you're not worth staying for, what's this then?"

"It's-" he deflates. "Your aunt is right Inej. You deserve someone good and pious, not some broken thief. You deserve someone who can take you to bed and love you as all the other men do."

She purses her lips, ready to say things, but allowing him to ramble on. It's moments like these that tell her things he would never admit in any other circumstance and she's learned over the years it's best just to listen, then to reply.

"Sex, intimacy, all that, I can't do it Inej. And I wish I could, I wish I could, and what I would give to be able to. But I can't and I'm so sorry because you deserve to have all that," he gestures vaguely, "when you want and on your terms. You should be able to have love with a man outside of the Menagerie, to feel what that's like. I just can't give it to you." He lets out a choked sob, and their hands tighten in each other.

"Kaz," she whispers, shaking her head, "Oh sweet, silly, Kaz."

"I don't need that, Kaz, I truly don't. Sex, love, intimacy, we don't need that to be in love. It's been tainted for me the same way touch has been for you. It's beyond us, and we aren't any less whole for not wanting that. For not needing it."

"I remember," he says, "When we were boys in the village, there were some older boys. They always flirted with the girls and I don't think I ever understood. Maybe I was too young, maybe I've just never been able to. I don't know. Maybe it was the reapers barge that burned away that part of me, the human part, the unbroken part. I don't know if I could ever fix-"

"Kaz Brekker, you listen to me, okay?" He nods mutely. "You aren't inhuman for not wanting sex. You aren't broken, you aren't wrong, you aren't something that needs to be fixed. It's like your leg. It's not broken, it's not harmed, it's just you."

"I...yeah." he sighs, "Your right."

"I'm always right." She teases.

His laugh fills her ears. "Yes dear, of course."

"Watch your tongue Brekker, I have plenty of knives on me and your very underdefended right now. I could slit your throat, dear." He laughs again.

He tilts his head up, allowing their eyes to meet. "Well seeing as I'm holding both of your hands I don't think you'll get very far." She glances down, and yes, he was holding both of her hands.

When did that happen?

"Not so smart now?" He teases.

"I'm smart, I was just...distracted." 

"Ah. Of course."

"May I kiss you?" She asks after a beat of silence. He nods, but stands up, leaning against the desk. The kiss is short and sweet, but they don't fully pull away after. They stay like that, him against the desk, her between his legs, hands clasped for a few comfortable minutes.

"I'm going to try to take my gloves off," he breathes.

Inej steps back, allowing him space as he pulls off the leather. His gold band, matching the one hung on a chain around her throat, glitters in the pale light of the room. He sits down, and Inej pulls up another chair.

There are a few minutes, and then his fingers brush over hers. It's a gentle and warm cradle, not too tight, not to lose. Intertwined, the cold metal slowly warming from the warmth of Inej's hand.

Using her open hand, Inej pulls off her chain. It wasn't easy with one hand, but eventually, she pulled the ring off its chain. Just as she was going to put it on, his noble fingers take it.

They sat facing one another, knees almost touching. His hands are almost shaking as he lifts her right hand, and slowly, deliberately, slides the band on. 

Note - 06/06/21: I wrote this long before I was even aware of the discourse surrounding Kaz and headcannoning him as asexual. I wrote this when I was struggling deeply with my own asexuality and saw a lot of my struggles with the idea of intimacy in him. I am now aware of some of the problems around this headcanon, but don't attack me for writing this and clinging to a relationship and a character I saw myself reflected in. I hope we can have actually ace characters in the future and not resort to headcanons for a scrap of representation in media, but unfortunately, we really aren't there.