Title from a Taylor Swift Song (This Love)

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"I've been afraid of you before Kaz," she admits, "When you fight, when you get that gleam in your eyes that I know means you're going to hurt someone. And I can live with that fear in those moments because I know you aren't going to hurt me. I've never been afraid of you hurting me."

Or, Kaz gets angry and scared. Inej is there with some (slightly tough) love

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Trigger Warnings: Anger, Panic Attacks, Swearing

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1,287 Words

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He hates crying.

Hates it, with every fibre of his being. It wasn't his fault that he was crying, he always tried to reason, trying to spare his pride that hated to be beaten down.

So why was he here? Here, where he was sobbing, hiccuping, and fighting for breath with his back against a door, the salty taste of the tears sending him spiralling further every time he tastes them, too similar to the harbours waters.

It had started with the rain, cold, bitter knives pelting his back as he walked through the city for a dinner with his friends. Then, his leg had slipped, and he'd caught himself seconds before he'd fallen to the ground. Thankfully, he'd been out of sight of anyone who would care.

Then it just got worse. His friends were too loud, then Jesper's tongue had slipped about something that, now that he thought about it, didn't really matter. Before he knew what he was doing, he lunged for Jesper, his heart beating rapidly in his throat.

Then it had only gotten worse. Matthias, thinking a little too fast, grabbed Kaz by the arm, not willing to let Jesper suddenly become Kaz's punching bag. And that had sent Kaz spiralling, his anger bubbling over.

He'd yelled, said a lot of shitty things, his tongue moving faster than he could think and stop himself. He'd tried to punch Matthias, but Matthias was, fortunately, much bigger and stronger than Kaz.

The night had only gotten worse, as, at that moment, Inej arrived. Kaz froze, staring at her, having forgotten she was due into the city this evening. Something twinged inside of him, and he turned and bolted to the bedroom's (That Wylan and Jesper kept on insisting was his, despite him disagreeing) bathroom.

He had half the mind to lock the door to the bathroom, and now he sits here, anger and fear one. They claw at his throat, choking him, forcing the tears out. He hears loud footsteps on the stairs, then his bedroom door opening. His body shudders, and he closes his eyes against the tears.

There's a knock at the door, and he can feel the vibrations against his back. It sounds too loud, and he shuts his eyes even tighter. Fuck...

"Go away!" He yells, another sob escaping him. The person knocks again, "Go away, go away, go away!"

"Kaz?" Her voice drifts past his ears, and he tenses, bile rising into his throat.

"Go away," he says weakly, wishing she wouldn't listen and stay. He moans, head foggy, thoughts in shambles, giving way to the blindness of anger and fear.

"I can go," she says after a moment, "If that is what you want."

He just moans in reply, taking his head in his hands. "No," he pleads now. "Stay." His head falls forward, and memories of the barge flash past his mind at the salt in his lips. His body shudders involuntarily, pain overtaking him as something hits something. He's far too incoherent to recognise what they are.

The doorknob jiggles, and he has enough clarity to unlock the door and scoot away, to the wall furthest from the door. She steps in silently, closing and locking the door behind her. He doesn't look up at her.

And when he does, she's crouching in front of him. He tries to fight through the revulsion, tries to take her hands, but she pushes him back, speaking softly, "No Kaz." Frustrated and afraid, he tries again, her words not registering, "Kaz," she says, tone sharper, "Stop it."

He freezes now, breaths rattling in his lungs. She continues, "You're only hurting yourself more, trying to touch me. You can't do that right now, Kaz, you need to breathe."

"I thought," he says bitterly, "You want me without armour."

"Don't," she warns, "Use that tone with me. You don't get to always be angry, Kaz."

"What?" he says, softly, unable to admit the sting of her words. "I'm just trying...I thought."

"I know what you thought and was trying to do Kaz, and I understand you were trying to do what I have asked. But I also know that subconsciously, you're also trying to trigger yourself more. You aren't in the place to do that right now, and that's fine, but I don't want you to get angry at me."

The world comes crashing down around him at her words, and he shakes his head, bunching his eyes closed tightly. Knocking his head against the wall, he mutters an "I'm sorry."

"I accept your apology. But Kaz," she says after a moment. He looks up at her slowly, meeting her eyes as she continues to speak, "Can you tell me what you're feeling right now? Or at least what happens. I want to help you."

He nods, slowly, running a hand over his sweaty and tear-streaked face. As he tells her, she wets a cloth, handing it to him to run over his face. He sits there when he is done with both tasks, her sitting between his legs. Somehow, they don't even brush each other.

"Okay," she says after a pause, "So your irritation kept on building until you were angry, and then it spilt over when Jesper made his comment and Matthias touched you. That's, okay, that's normal." He nods.

"But what you need to think about if this happens again is how you don't get to that point. Tell us that your feeling overwhelmed, and when you feel that rush of anger, think for a moment." He looks at her, and she must sense his question.

"I'm not saying you need to think like this when you get angry in a fight, that you need to control your anger in situations where it helps. But when you're with us, people who, trust me, aren't trying to hurt you at all."

He nods, sighing deeply. "And for what it's worth," she adds, "Matthias feels horrible. He's really sorry, Jesper too. They're both worried about you."

"I'm fine," he tries to argue, but the words die out halfway through. Sighing, he hangs his head, trying to collect his thoughts.

"Can you talk to me?" she asks gently.

He takes a few shaky, but deep breaths, and nods. "I don't think I'm angry, but I feel like that could come back any second. And I'm scared it will come back, and I'm going to hurt one of you accidentally. I already tried to, and if I hurt you..." he doesn't continue, but she knows what he is thinking.

"I've been afraid of you before Kaz," she admits, "When you fight, when you get that gleam in your eyes that I know means you're going to hurt someone. And I can live with that fear in those moments because I know you aren't going to hurt me. I've never been afraid of you hurting me."

"I don't regret those," he says, "I've never regretted killing anyone, I don't think. But with you, it is my worst fear. I could not live with myself if I hurt you. And I don't want you to be afraid of me, and-"

"Kaz, it's okay. You're a scary guy, and that's okay. If anything, I've been scared of you for the people on the other end. The arrogant sons of bitches who don't know better." He nods, "Those people."

"I'm going to let you be now, let you calm down a bit more, but Kaz," he looks up at her, "Please remember what I told you."

She leaves, and just as the door swings shut behind her, Kaz lets his final tears fall and gives the best vow he can under his breath, "I'll try."

I'm currently working on a SUPER long one shot and it's taking up most of my writing time lol. I can't wait for yall to read that but enjoy this, for now, I've been itching to get something posted.