This chapter is dedicated to starryepiphany for not giving up on this book and constantly asking me when I will be updating.

C H A P T E R  F O U R 

You know what’s the frightening thing about our souls? 

How they struggle and thrash in disagreement with our mind and body. 

We wonder why our own soul would fight against itself. The reality is, we are the ones who are killing and chaining it. For that reason, it demands to be let free from the reigns inside our very being. A deep, anguished ache begins to form inside and soon enough, it yells at you to not allow it to shrivel up and die. It does not want to be eaten away at, like a carcass that’s overpowered by its hunter. 

And the worst part? We don’t listen to its miserable cries. We don’t stop the torment. Instead, we continue to allow ourselves to fall into a deep, and very dark abyss. 

And once you’ve pushed yourself into that bottomless pit, there’s no coming back up. That’s what our minds keep telling us.

And what the soul tries to disprove. 

I’ve always been that girl that loves too hard. That puts too much effort in. That will walk from one end of the Earth to another, just to make sure those around me were happy, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness in the process. 

At least, I used to be that girl. 

But as I manoeuvred along the bumpy path known as life, I began to apprehend that just because I bend over backwards simply to form a smile on someone’s face, that doesn’t always mean they’re willing to do the same for you. You get hurt along the way. People are all too happy to use and abuse you. When you have something to offer them, they’re there. When you don’t, they forget about you within the blink of an eye. 

They take your attention and love for granted and for that reason, I promised myself that I would never try so hard for anyone ever again.

And the truth is, we shouldn’t be afraid to get rid of toxic people in our life. It doesn’t matter who they are - if someone causes you constant pain and makes you feel small, they need to go. If they own up to their behaviour and make an effort to change, that’s one thing. But if they continue to disregard your feelings then you shouldn’t feel guilty in expelling them from your life.

Because those kinds of people - the one’s who take everything for granted - they keep you as an option in their life, not a priority. 

So I said to myself, screw everybody. I had dealt with enough opportunists in my life to know that sometimes, an individual had to forget about pleasing everyone else, and for once, do what was good for them. What was good for their soul. I told myself that I needed to make sure I was happy first, then others followed.

Somehow though, I took it to the next level. I pushed people away from me. All the time. It’s not worth the risk, my brain would constantly whisper to me. I sought comfort in the fact that if I had no friends, then there would be no opportunity for hurt.

But I also realised something else. The people who lived to make others happy and the people who pushed others away, were the most loneliest. So where was the middle ground? Where is the boundary that one must reside on to maintain the balance between knowing what’s enough and knowing when to rip someone from your life.

Well I guess that’s what I was still figuring out. But for the time being, I would remain as I was. 

~~~~

I lifted a small amount of sand into my palms, watching in wonder and awe as the small breeze swept the granules away. Using my index finger, I continued to draw random objects across the compact sand, relishing in its softness. Despite the warm temperature, I shivered when a small wave curled over, allowing the water to lap at my feet. The sound of the waves slapping and rolling against each other, was as usual, calming to my soul. 

The beach was like a natural healer. Living on the central coast certainly had it’s cons, but this was definitely not one of them. 

“What’s the only animal in the world that can’t jump?” Saleh asked. We were sitting side by side on the sand, ‘playing’ our facts game. The rules were that we would keep on going until one of us couldn’t answer and such person would be declared loser. I knew Saleh would win - he does every single time - but that never stopped me from keeping at it with him. 

“An elephant,” I answered proudly. 

“Or in other words, you.” I turned to glare at my little brother, who was laying on his side, in front of us. He gave me a thumbs up and I kicked some sand onto him.

“Ha ha, very funny.” I bit my lip and mulled over my next question. “What’s the actual colour of the sun?” 

“White,” Saleh replied instantly, almost as if he knew what I was going to ask. I looked over at him. My lips lifted into a small lopsided smile as I observed the excited gleam in his eyes. Anyone could tell, Saleh absolutely loved this game. “What’s the fastest healing organ in the body?”

“The tongue.” I gave him a light push. “Going easy on me today, eh?” 

He shrugged his shoulders and responded with a blunt, ‘yes’. I was about to ask my next question, when two boys strolled up to us, both of them looking no older than eighteen. One was holding a bunch of flyers in his hand and the other’s hands were hidden in the pockets of his hoodie. 

“Sup.” The one with the flyers, and from what I could make out in the little light, blue eyes, nodded his head at us, running a hand through his sandy blonde hair. 

“Can I help you?” I asked, quirking an eyebrow at them. 

“Mmm maybe you can.” He reached out and handed me one of the small papers in his hand. I eyed it, noting the words, ‘IVY CLUB’ and immediately made my decision. 

“No thanks,” I said, not even bothering to take it from his hold.  

“Why not?” he persisted, a small frown marring his face. Within seconds, it turned into a teasing smirk. “You don’t have to worry about it being boring. I can make sure it’ll be worth your while.” He actually had the audacity to wink and I felt like barfing right then and there. Onto his feet preferably.

“She said no,” Saleh spoke up threateningly, glaring at him icily. I wasn’t all too surprised at the malice in his tone. As Saleh grew older and his social skills became more refined, he began to pick up on certain underlying messages. 

Both the boys heads snapped towards him, as if just realising he was there. 

“Chill,” said the one with his hands in his pockets, speaking up for the first time. “Come on dude, let’s go.” He nudged his friend who was still eyeing me, until finally without a backwards glance, they walked off in the same direction they had come from. 

“I think it’s time we head home too,” Wael said, his eyes still trained on the two boys that were walking off, as if not trusting them not to return. He got up and I grasped onto his extended hand, jumping to my feet as he helped haul me up. If I could, I’d stay here until dawn came, to watch the sun rise over the water and the birds flap and squawk in the air. But, it was a Friday night and with the very disturbing and sinful activities that went on around here, I knew it was best to stay in the safety of my home. 

I picked up my thongs and we headed back in the direction of home. Saleh had his car but since it was perfect weather out, we decided to walk it. I kept my focus ahead, observing in curiosity as a young couple began to walk in front of us. Their hands were held tightly and every once in a while, he would whisper something into her ear and her laugh would echo all around us. It was one of those carefree, alive laughs.  

“I have another question,” I stated, my eyes still locked upon the lovesick pair. Saleh slightly turned his head in acknowledgement, but didn’t say anything. “How can you tell from someone’s eyes, that they like you?” 

My brothers glanced at each other with odd expressions, before turning to look at me. I grinned. “Have I finally asked something you can’t answer?!” 

Saleh narrowed his eyes, deep in thought and began to mumble the question to himself. “From their eyes?” he confirmed, his eyebrows still scrunched. I nodded my head and waited patiently. 

“Oh right, I know! Their pupils dilate.” 

“Correct.” I laughed when he fist bumped the air. 

~~~~

The weekend was positively blissful. I had spent both Saturday and Sunday on the beach, reclining on the sand with my book in hand. I had finished Dracula and was now onto Crime and Punishment. My English teacher, I called him Mr B, was the only one who admired my love for English classics. In fact, he was the one who recommended my current read. Mr B was the only teacher who cared about each of his student’s wellbeing and for that reason, I respected him more than an average student should.

Being a young and energetic teacher, he knew how to wrap the classroom around his finger perfectly. 

“How’re you doing Amira?” he asked, as I walked through the door for our early Monday morning class. He gave me a light smile and crossed his arms over his chest, swiping a stray curl off his forehead. 

“I’m good Sir and yourself?” I pulled my backpack off my shoulder and sat down in my usual seat. 

“I’m great!” he said, his voice rising so that the whole class could hear him. “And you guys wanna know why?” We all stared at him expectantly. “Because today I’m assigning you all two essays each, which I want done by the end of the week!” he finished, beaming at the class, whilst most of the students rolled their eyes or groaned in contempt as a response. 

“Asshole,” a guy behind me mumbled. I scowled at his lack of respect but kept my head forward.

Other than the fact that Mr B was an awesome teacher, there was another reason as to why I respected him. In the last three years that Theo has mercilessly bullied me, Mr B is the only teacher who has bothered to utter a word to him in my defence. Oh, the other teachers see it alright. But who of them would care to waste their precious time on a quiet immigrant girl, who sits in the corner with her head in the books all day? None of them. 

Except for Mr B. I could stand my ground pretty well, but it was nice to know that there was at least one adult who acted like one. Theo had copped a number of detentions and telling-offs because of the way he would pester and treat me in class but honestly, it didn’t give me an ounce of satisfaction, because I knew it would only fuel him on the next day. 

Halfway through the class, I got up to go to the bathroom and when I returned, Theo played his first trick. Mr B made sure to position us at opposite ends of the room but he took advantage of the fact that our teacher was helping another student and so he walked past my table as I was about to sit down, pulling the chair from beneath me. I landed straight onto the hard floor and in an instant, a throb began at the bottom of my tailbone. The students around us laughed, whilst some looked on pitifully, but as usual, none bothered to help. The noise piqued Mr B’s attention and soon enough, he was standing in front of me and glaring at Theo. I grit my teeth in an effort to forget the pain and got up onto my shaky feet. 

“How many times have I warned you about acting out in my classroom?” Mr B boomed. 

Theo shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not really counting, Sir.” He turned to give me a lazy smirk and I stared into his brown eyes with so much hatred in my own. My body language practically yelled I wanted to launch myself at him.

“You’re dying for an expulsion,” Mr B stated, his lips in a grim line.

“I’m dying for her,” he said, jerking his thumb in my direction. “But you keep getting in my way.” I felt bile rising in my throat and I had to close my eyes once the shocked gasps emerged from the class. I so did not need this. 

“If you’re not out of my sight within thirty seconds, Theo, I will personally drag you out of this room. I don’t care if I’m fired for manhandling a student but believe me you, I will not hesitate to throw you out myself.” Mr B’s voice was low and furious and his eyes were storming with unadulterated rage. Anyone would be an idiot to defy his command. Then again, Theo was an idiot. 

We all watched as he strode to his bag and picked it up, like he had all the time in the world, before saluting me and Mr B mockingly as he exited the class. I sighed in relief and turned to face Mr B again. 

“Thanks,” I whispered, not meeting his eyes. I didn’t want to see the similar look of sympathy in his eyes. 

“I want you to stay behind when class finishes. I need to talk to you,” he said in a tight voice, before moving back to the front of the class again. 

I exhaled tiredly as I brought the chair closer to my table again and for the rest of the period, I anxiously waited for the bell to ring. When it did, I waited for everyone to leave first, before I walked up to Mr B’s desk. 

“You wanted to speak, Sir?” He quickly finished scrawling something in his teacher’s diary, slamming it shut then looking up at me. He dropped his pen and rubbed at his eyes. 

“I’ve told you this before, but this time, I really want to stress it. If you don’t go to our principal about Theo, I will tell him myself Amira.” He leaned back against his desk and crossed his ankles. “I just don’t understand why you don’t want to speak to anyone,” he added, giving me a curious look. 

I bit my lip and ignored the slight stinging of my eyes. “I spoke to our principal about Theo a long time ago and he did nothing. He told me that it was just a phase he was going through and that it would eventually end.” 

Mr B sighed sadly. “But it’s been three years now Amira. And we have a new principal. I’m sure if you spoke with him now, along with my witness accounts, the school could get rid of him for good.” I was touched at the care and desperation in Mr B’s voice but I shook my head sadly. 

“I don’t rely on others anymore Sir. I’ve lost hope.” 

He eyed me intensely for a few seconds. “But I haven’t.” 

~~~~

I gently closed my locker and was about to head off, when I heard my name being called. 

“Amira! Wait up!” I inwardly groaned at Charlotte’s chirpy voice. Nonetheless, I mustered the best smile I could and turned to face her. As she did with everyone she saw in the day, she embraced me in a tight hug. She pulled back, her eyes wide with excitement. “Have you heard about the party that’s going down next weekend at the Ivy Club?” she rattled, perching her handbag higher onto her shoulder. In a typical nineties outfit, she sported a denim overall with one strap hanging loose. Her short bob of blonde hair was pulled back from her head using a bandana. As always, she looked cute.

“Yes,” I said cautiously. 

She squealed. “Please come! You have to come, it’ll be a blast!” See, the thing about Charlotte, was that on the outside, she looked like your typical no brain girl. The reality was, she was a genuine hearted girl who, despite my constant decline of her invitations, never gave up on me. I don’t know what she saw of interest in me. Maybe she felt sorry for me, I don’t know. But for the last year, she had tried to force a friendship between us, one that wouldn’t have to be forced, if it wasn’t for my knack of avoiding everyone.

I rolled my eyes. “I’ve told you before Charlotte, I don’t do clubs. Or drinking. Or partying. It’s not my scene.” 

“Look, I know you’re a Muslim,” she rambled, and I was momentarily surprised she didn’t say something like: ‘I know you’re Islamic,’ “but can’t you at least come to socialise. You know, to meet some people and make friends?” 

Although my heart felt a little heavy at my current thought, I whispered the words in my mind anyway. “I don’t do friends Char,” I mumbled, before turning to walk out of the school. 

~~~~