August 5, 2015

Luke?" I call from bed as I hold my stomach.

"Ah, Luke!" I yell in pain. He comes rushing into the room and bends down next to the bed.

"Is it hurting real bad again?" I nod and he sighs.

"Could you- cold you help me change into something warmer? I'm freezing."

"Yeah baby." He kisses my forehead and sits me up, gently rubbing my back. He grabs a sweater and slips my tank top off, putting the sweater on. He has me lay down to change my pajama shorts, and gasps.

"Oh my god, ok, I'm gonna- fuck- I'm gonna finish changing you and then we're gonna go to the hospital, ok?" His voice is full of panic and I immediately begin crying.

"Luke? Tell me what's wrong."

"Don't worry babe, there's just some blood, I'm sure it's ok, but we just wanna make sure, ok? You'll be fine, our baby will be fine." He reassures, obviously nervous and flustered.

He changes me into some leggings and supports most of my weight as he walks me to the car and sits me in the passenger seat. I groan and cry at the pain and worry.

After what feels like hours, we arrive at the hospital, as Luke lifts me from the passenger seat and brings me inside, as the pain is now too bad to walk.

I have trouble paying attention as I'm taken in a wheel chair around the hospital, and I feel dizzy from what I think is all the blood loss.

Soon, I fade out of consciousness as I hear Luke reassure me everything will be okay.

***

When I wake up, Luke is sitting beside me in a chair as I lay in the hospital bed. He's sobbing. I frown. My stomach feels achy, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much. 

"Luke?" I question weakly. His eyes dart up to me and he pushes a button as he shakes his head, then continues sobbing into his hands.

A doctor comes in and gives me a sympathetic look.

"Is the baby ok?" I immediately ask. "What's wrong?"

"Ma'am, I'm afraid, well, the baby, it's gone." My heart wrenches and I almost can't believe him.

"What? Why?! What happened?! It was fine?! Everything was fine!" I say as I begin sobbing.

"Your body- it didn't recognize the baby- it thought it was a foreign object, and it- it killed it. If we would've caught it sooner, we could've given you medicine, but it was much too late, and, I'm so sorry." I sob into the sheets of the uncomfortable hospital bed.

Everything was gonna be perfect. Luke was perfect, I was perfect, our family was perfect, the baby was perfect.

My baby.

After months of picturing us finally getting to hold it, to love it with all our hearts, all those dreams down the drain.

How is anything ever going to be ok again?

I hold my stomach. It feels smaller.

"We-we had to do surgery to take out the body so it wouldn't kill you, I-"

"Please just leave." I say between sobs. The doctor nods and leaves the room.

"Luk-"

He stands up and wipes his eyes, leaving the room.

It's going to go back. This baby was the only thing keeping us together. It was why he stopped hitting me. It was my world, my everything. Now it'll be the same horrible life it was.

I can't do it.

I love Luke. I can't leave him, even if he does go back to hitting me. But I'll have to. I don't wanna live being abused.

Hours pass and Luke doesn't come back. I have to call a taxi to go home when the doctors release me.

When I get home, I immediately take four of the pills the doctors gave me. I'm only supposed to take one a day, but I couldn't care less.

What do I have to protect or live for now anyway?

I dont know. Maybe Luke won't go back to how he was. Maybe he just needed to get away.

It's another few hours before he comes home. "Where were you?"

"I just... I couldn't take it. I needed to forget for a minute. Sorry." He sighs, an I can tell he has a hangover.

"You think you need to forget? I want to forget too, Luke! But I can't just leave, so-"

"So what?! It's your fucking body that killed it anyway!" He tells and marches away. I sigh as I begin crying again.

"Luke! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrogate you, but just- it sucks for me too, ok?" I cry as I chase him down the hall.

"Why the fuck did you fucking murder it then?!"

"I didn't fucking murder it! Do you think I wanted my baby to die?! How dare you! It- the baby made everything perfect for once! It made you lot be such a huge asshole! You think I wanted to give that up?! How dare you say this is my fault?! That I did this on purpose?!" He seems to struggle for a response as remorse flashes across his face, but anger quickly replaces it again.

"Fuck off!" He screams and storms out of the house again. I fall to the ground sobbing as I hear his car drive away.