March 6 2015

I woke up to Luke's groan. He rolled over and hugged me close. I cringed and he pulled back a bit.

"You alright?" He whispered. He'd woken up sober. He was ok sober. But I knew he had a killer headache. We didn't have any alcohol in the house right now. I knew he'd probably wait until tomorrow to get some, not wanting to go out with such a hangover.

"Yes, baby." I answered, smiling sadly. He doesn't remember when he's sober, or at least, he won't face it. He pretends not to remember.

"What happened last night?" He mumbled, reaching up to hold his head.

"Um, you came home drunk. I tried to take you to bed, but you fell down the stairs, dragging me down with you. You cried a lot. Then I brought you to bed and sang you to sleep." I told the half truth. Luke's eyebrows drew together and his eyes cast to his lap. He didn't know. He knew he wasn't in a good place, he knew he drank to mask his pain, he knew he did it- drank- too much, that he was sad and angry and depressed. But he doesn't know how bad it really is. Doesn't know how much he hurts me. Because he loves me, so he repressed it, maybe, or maybe just gets blackout drunk to do it.

"Oh. I'm sorry. Are you ok? You're not hurt?" He shouldn't worry about me. He gets so drunk, he hurts himself. His liver is gonna fail him, his body is going to shut down. But I can't tell him that, can't talk to him.

"I'm fine. I'll go get you some iburprofen and make breakfast." I smiled, getting up. I dressed and then went downstairs. He followed me downstairs and flopped onto the couch.

After breakfast, I began putting the dirty dishes in the washer, the noise making him cringe.

"I'm sorry, I forgot." I mumbled, slowing and trying to be quieter.

"It's ok. Babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you- i- will you-"

"Yeah." I chuckled, walking over to him and squatting down in front of him. I connected my eyes to his, seeing the lost little boy I saw last night. The scared, desperate, sad boy who needs me.

"I love you." I said softly as I leaned forward and kissed him.

He won't ask for it sober. But he still wants it. He still needs it.

"Thank you. I love you, baby. Will you sing for me?"

"Yeah." I nodded as I went back to cleaning dishes.

"Hey there delilah what's it like in New York City I'm a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty yes you do. Times square can't shine as bright as you, I swear it's true." I sang softly. He smiled and when I looked back at him he was fast asleep.

I sigh and walk over to him, kissing his forehead.

"I love you Luke. Maybe it'll be better someday."

I sigh and stand up, grabbing a jacket and keys and going outside, getting in the car and driving to the hospital.

"Hi ma'am. How can I help you today?" The receptionist says.

"Um, I don't have an appointment but I, I need some tests done."

"Ok hunny, name and birthday?"

"Um, Delilah May Knight, January 18th, 1998." I answer.she hands me a form to fill out and after a while they call me back into a room.

***

I come back inside the house messing with the envelope. I see Luke on the couch, awake now, watching TV.

"Where'd you go?" He asks.

"Uh, doctors appointment."

"Wh-whats that?" He asks as he reaches out for the envelope. I hesitantly- reluctantly- hand it to him and he opens it, pulling everything out. His eyes widen and tears fill his eyes as he glanced up at me.

I haven't accepted the news myself, and I don't want him to know, really, but now he does. Now he has to be a part of this decision.

"Baby... Oh my God." He smiles, grabbing my hand and pulling me into him, hugging me tight. He bends down in front of me smiling widely with tears running down his face. He kisses my stomach as tears flow down my face.

"I'm gonna be a daddy."

I'm not happy. I'm not as happy as he is. I don't want this. I can't raise a baby in this environment. Not with him drinking. Not with him hitting me.

He glances up at me to see me frowning. And those sad little confused puppy eyes that got me at first and still catch me every time entrance me once more.

"Babygirl? Why are you-"

"I can't do it Luke." I mumbled, shaking my head. i turn away and hear him almost whimper, but I can't look at him. He stands up and grabs my hands, though, forcing me to. "I'm scared."

"Why are you-" I let out a sob, cutting him off. I can feel him deflate, come back from his perfect dreams to reality and think about all the problems, how unready we are. His voice cracks and trembles as he tries to reassure me.

"I know baby. I know, but I can be better." He mumbles pleadingly. "I'll stop drinking, ok? I'll be a good dad. And you'll be a great mom. We'll be ok." He assures. I shake my head as I bury it in his chest.

I sob and cry as he holds me.

"You don't believe me?" He asks, sounding heart broken.

"Luke i- you're addicted. I dont- I can't have a baby." I sob out. He frowns and wipes away his own tears.

"I promise babygirl. I promise ill be better. It'll be ok." He whimpers, holding time tightly.

"No, i- I don't want it. I can- it's early, we can get rid of it."

"No, Delilah, i- what?" he looks shocked, and I almost don't know why. He knows we can't do this. He should've known I wouldn't wanna keep it. "No, no no no no. You cannot be considering getting an abortion." He shakes his head, frowning. his voice is louder now, but more desperate, begging. I can hear the sound of his pain.

"I can't bring a baby up like this, Luke." I cry. "I don't want them getting hurt."

"Why would they- baby girl I dont understand." He cries, shaking his head. "I'll do better!"

"Luke, I dont- ugh! Please, just don't argue. I want an abortion." I cry. I can't seem to stand anymore, so I plop down on the couch and bury my head in my hands.

"No. Baby, I can't let you, you know I've always wanted kids! I-"

I wish I could say his attempts to convince feel upon deaf ears, but I love him too much to not listen, and the emotions only build until I burst.

"I'm not gonna let you hurt it, Luke! I'm not gonna let this baby have to deal with what I do because youre a nasty drunk!" I sob, pushing him away when he tries to grab me and hug me again.

His face sinks. I wonder if he remembers now, if he realizes. But he's clueless.

"Baby i- I'd never hit our baby- id never hurt my family-"

"Not sober! But you're a whole different person when you're drunk, Luke. I'm getting an abortion." and I'm angry. I don't want an abortion, I want to marry Luke and have babies and be wonderful parents but the world doesn't fucking work like that and I don't know what strange twist of fate thought this could ever work, so much so that it overpowered my birth control.

"No. No. Baby, I don't know what I've done, but I'm sorry!" He cries, tugging his hands through his hair. "I'll stop drinking, I swear! Please! I'll go to rehab, just don't get rid of the baby." He sobs, sitting on the couch and putting his face in his hands.

And oh god, he's really breaking again. He's falling apart, sounds like he's dying, right in front of me, and it hurts me even more than I was before, because I know coming to terms with reality kills.

I nod. "Okay. Okay. But you have to promise luke. You have to go to rehab. I can't let you hurt this baby." I attempt to stop my sobs by wiping away my tears, but we all know how that works.

"I will. I promise. I'll be a good dad. I love you, babygirl. I didn't mean- I didn't know- I hurt you? When?"

i sigh. I wish I could let him stay in his fantasy world where his only problem is drinking, but now another person may come into this, Luke has to be the responsible one. He has to know the truth and face it. "

Everytime you're drunk Luke. You hurt me and make me do things I don't want to- please be better, Luke. I don't want to have to get rid of this baby." I sob. He wraps me in his arms as I sob.

"I'll be better, baby. I love you."

"I love you, Luke."

"And I will love this baby."

An: the plot thickens...