I sigh as I feel Luke roll over in bed next to me for the 15th time in the last hour.

"Luke, please stop thinking and go to sleep. There's nothing we can do yet." I say quietly, knowing exactly what's running through his head.

"I know, but how could they just, they just don't want him? They- so they just leave him in the freezing cold to die?!" He exclaims. I feel him throw his hands up and fling them down as he speaks and I flinch a bit.

"I know baby, but some people are just really confused. We all fuck up." I try to keep my hinting obscure, not wanting to piss him off.

"But a baby! They couldn't have left him at a fire station or given him up for adoption? And why did they suddenly not want him after three months?!" I shrug though he can't see me do it.

"Maybe they just realized they couldn't afford to take care of him or couldn't give him a good life." I sigh. "Or maybe they really are just shitty. Either way, there's nothing we can do about it right now. Sleep." I beg, grabbing his arm with one of mine and rubbing it.

"I want to adopt him." He states a few minutes later.

"I know luke." I sigh. "But we still might not be able to." He shakes his head at that.

"Why not? They're probably putting him up for adoption, I mean what else would they do with him? and they're probably more likely to let us adopt him because we found him." Luke reasons.

"That's not what I mean. Babies are expensive, lu. And they take a lot of responsibility. There's no room for fucking up." I argue. I love Luke but he's so one track minded and stubborn and he's being selfish.

"Are you saying you think I'll be a bad dad?" He frowns, sitting up.

"No, love. I don't think we're ready, as a couple, for a child. Or either of us individually to be honest. I don't want to be responsible for fucking a kid up. I think we should wait til we're stable. It might take a while-" I try to explain, although I'm not completely telling the truth.

"We were already gonna have one! How can you say that?!" He turns on the lamp and looks at me.

"We didn't have a choice then, Luke." I sigh. I rub my eyes with my hands, feeling exhausted from this argument already.

"So you didn't want our baby?" He questions in a cold and hurt tone.

"No, of course I did, I thought it would fix everything-" I defend quickly.

"And so will this one!" Luke cuts me off.

"But that was stupid of me to think! Babies make people sleep deprived and stupid and irritable and I don't think either of us can do it and stay good with each other, and do right right by the baby." I try my best to reason.

"We can do it! I know we can! And I know this whole 'we' thing is bullshit! You think I'll go back to being abusive!"  He accuses.

"Why shouldn't I?! Every time something goes wrong you go right back to how you were! How can I believe that the second something goes wrong with a kid you won't do it again?" I expect Luke to get angry and hit me or something, I'm surprised when instead a sob bursts from him. He quickly covers his mouth and cries quieter and I sigh, scooting closer and wrapping my arms around him.

"I just wanna be a dad. I've always wanted to be a dad." He cries softly.

"I know baby. And you can be, but it doesn't have to be right now. You're only 21, you have plenty of time. Wait til you're a little more grown up and you've been stable for a long time. Being a parent is all about being unselfish, so you can't become one for selfish reasons. You have to think of him. If we do fuck up because we're too young, we're not the ones who will have to suffer the consequences. He will. That's not fair to him. I know lu, I'm sorry." He shakes his head at me words.

"You're right. I'd be a shitty dad." He chokes out. I rub his back.

"Thats not what I'm saying. We're just not ready yet. Give us a couple years to get stronger as a couple, then I promise we'll have kids, someday, okay?" I'm not sure I'm telling the truth. I have no idea what the future may hold, if Luke and I will even survive together that long.

He sucks in air and nods. "But what about him? Who will take him? What kind of family will he go to? How do we know he's not still gonna get screwed up?" I smile softly. The blondes clearly gotten attracted quickly, I can tell he cares for the baby.

"The adoption agency will make sure he goes to a good home. Maybe we'll still be allowed to be part of his life." I comfort. Luke nods.

"Now please go to sleep, Luke. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He sniffles, rolling towards me and wrapping me in his arms. "I love you."

"I love you too, lu."