Luke held me as we cried into each other the whole night, eventually we moved to the bed as cuddled there, sniffling to each other and not speaking a word, neither knowing what to say.

"I'm scared." Luke mumbled as it neared 5 am. I buried my face deeper into his chest and tightened my grip around him.

"I don't know how to not get bad again, baby. I don't wanna hurt you." He whimpered and I cringed, because I still felt so broken from the previous events. "I don't wanna lose you."

"Luke?" I hum in a scratchy voice. He looks down at me with his deep blue eyes full of live and tears.

"Hm, babygirl?"

"You didn't- did you mean it when you said it's my fault-"

"No. No baby. I know how much you wanted it, especially because it was the only thing keeping me sane. Which isnt okay, there's no excuse for me to do things like that to you, but- it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybodies fault." He sighs, kissing my head. "I'm so so sorry." He buries his face in my neck and I feel his tears in my skin. "I love you. And I loved that kid so fucking much..." I nod along, trying not to sob as I hold Luke tight and run my fingers through his hair.

"I lo-love-" but speaking lets the loud sobs through, and I cover my mouth with my hand.

Luke sniffles and pulls his face out of my neck, sitting up and pulling me into his lap so I can bury my face in his chest instead as he rests his head on top of mine and cries with me.

"We should- we should try again." Luke says quietly, sniffling.

"Hm? Of course we're gonna keep trying, l-lu. I love you too much to give you up." I assure, and he frowns and pulls back.

"No- I mean, yeah, of course, but I m-mean for a baby." He says, and I swear I feel my heart stop.

What do I do? It was never my plan to have a baby at nineteen. The only reason I had decided to keep it was because Luke swore he was going to get better, and because I didn't feel right aborting, especially if Luke didn't want me to, but purposely trying for one? Especially when me and Luke are on such shaky grounds. I just- I can't raise a baby if Luke is drunk or abusive or mean- I can't. And I know he's gonna tell me he'll be better, but he's promised before and look where we are.

But he looks so hopeful and lovey, I can't just turn him down. He wants it so bad. I've always wanted kids and I love Luke, I would want to have kids with him. But I just couldn't live with myself if I made a bad decision and our kid had to suffer for it their whole life.

Luke pulls me out of me thoughts. "Y-you want a baby, right?"

"Well- Yeah! Yes of course, eventually, you know I do."

"B-but not w-with me?" Luke stutters, tears filling his eyes and a heart broken look coming over him.

"Yes! No, of course I want a baby, or babies, with you. It's just- I think- maybe we should... wait? Yknow, with everything that's been going on-"

"We need to fix us first." Luke finishes for me, looking down at his lap. "Y-Yeah. You're right. B-but- soon though, right?" He stutters.

What the fuck do I say? No. Not soon. He's only 21, and I'm 19, we're not ready. I always imagined I'd be married for a year at least before I had kids.

"Y-Yeah. Soon."