February 15th & 16th 2023

So, this group exists because:
-Canada and Mexico have feelings for each other
-Canada and Bulgaria also have feelings for each other (but won't ever seriously act on it)
-Bulgaria and America are in a platonic relationship
-Soviet and America are dating
(Bulgaria's dating Roman (one of the Romanias) but he doesn't fit in the group tbh)

Ships:
-SovAme
-CanMex
-CanBul

Soviet: Are oranges named orange because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?

America: Which came first, the orange or the orange?

Mexico: Orange was first used to refer the fruit 1280 years ago but was not used as a color until 1000 years ago.

Canada: What was the color called before then?

Bulgaria: There was no color, duh! Everything was black and white!

~~~

Mexico: What do rainbows mean to you?

Soviet: Gay rights.

Canada: There's money.

Bulgaria: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood.

America: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

~~~

Soviet: What's the worst thing you guys have done?

Canada: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.

Bulgaria: I kicked Mexico in the shin-

Mexico: -So I kicked Bulgaria between the legs.

America: I burned a town down.

Soviet: What?!

Mexico: What the hell is wrong with you?!?

America: A lot of things.

Bulgaria: No shit.

~~~

Canada: What makes you all smile?

America: Friends and Family.

Bulgaria: Snacks.

Mexico: Victory and success.

Soviet: Face muscles.

~~~

America: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK.

Soviet: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.

America: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.

Bulgaria: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins.

Mexico: Looks like someone's a HO.

Soviet: NaBrO.

Canada: I'm done with all of you!

~~~

Mexico: Canada's first detention, I'm so proud.

Soviet: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention?

Bulgaria: Because they're an idiot.

America, terrified: They can do that??

~~~

Canada: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?

America: Take them!

Mexico: Punch them in the neck!

Bulgaria: Say thank you!

Soviet: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!

Canada: ...

Canada: No.

~~~

Bulgaria: How do you connect with a fictional character?

Canada: What?

Soviet: What?

Mexico: What?

America: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

~~~

Bulgaria: What's something you guys are better than Soviet at?

Canada: Mario Kart.

Mexico: Yeah, video games.

America: Emotional vulnerability.

(btw, America's really bad at emotional vulnerability too)

~~~

Soviet: Good morning.

Canada: Good morning.

Bulgaria: Good morning.

America: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.

Mexico: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

~~~

Bulgaria: Why isn't the statue smirking at me?

Canada: It isn't smirking at anyone, they're all just imagining it.

Mexico: Three of us saw it, Canada. How do you explain that?

Canada: *points at Mexico* Sleep deprivation. *points at Soviet* Paranoia. *points at America* Delusional personality disorder.

~~~

Bulgaria: What do you guys do when you're stressed?

Canada: Try and calm myself down!

Soviet: Sleep.

Mexico: Get myself into even more stress, so that the first reason for my stress gets cancelled out.

America: I don't.

~~~

America: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.

Soviet: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Bulgaria: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Mexico: I joined you in the dumb stuff.

Canada: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

~~~

Canada: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.

Mexico, Bulgaria, America, and Soviet: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

~~~

Mexico, about Soviet and America: My god, would you two just get a room already?

America: Excuse me, Mexico?

Mexico: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?

Soviet: ...

Bulgaria: I ship it!

Canada: CAN YOU NOT?

~~~

Soviet: Mexico is okay.

Bulgaria: They're okay? They said they were going to break my legs! And don't tell me they didn't mean it, okay?! 'Cause they gave me the mackerel eyes, they meant it!

Soviet: Bulgaria, Mexico threatened me. They threaten America every day. They probably threatened Canada before breakfast this morning. It's what they do. Grow a pair.

~~~

Soviet: Are we really going to let Mexico keep Bulgaria?

America: We kept Canada.

~~~

Soviet: Where's America?

Canada: Doing stuff.

Soviet: I don't like the sound of that. Where's Bulgaria?

Canada: Trying to stop America from doing the stuff.
Soviet: And Mexico?

Canada: Trying to stop Bulgaria from stopping America from doing the stuff.

Soviet: I see. And what are you doing here, Canada?

Canada: I'm supposed to stop you from stopping Mexico from stopping Bulgaria from stopping America from doing the stuff.

~~~

Bulgaria: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food!

America: You can eat a rock.

Canada: Air.

Soviet: The fabric of time and space.

Mexico: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems.

Bulgaria: You guys are not helpful.

~~~

Canada: What does "take out" mean?

Soviet: Food.

Bulgaria: Dating.

Mexico: Murder.

America: It can be all three if you're brave enough.

~~~

*Everyone is giving advice to Mexico*

Canada: It's okay to ask for help.

Bulgaria: You're not a burden.

America: Murder is okay.

Soviet: Your feelings matter.

~~~

Mexico: I am an expert at identifying birds.

Canada: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?

Mexico: Yeah, they're all birds.

~~~

Mexico: *holding a salt packet* It's just a little sodium chloride.

America: Actually Mexico, it's salt.

Mexico: That's what I said, sodium chloride.

America: Uh Mexico, that would be salt.

America: *takes salt packer from Mexico* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.

~~~

America: I hate when people ask me, 'What did you do today?' Buddy listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don't KNOW!

~~~

America: You're alive.

Soviet: No need to sound so disappointed.

~~~

Bulgaria: I have no respect for Santa. Don't sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

~~~

America: Soviet has only knocked me out three time this week. Our friendship is really developing.

~~~

Soviet: You have Crayons?

America: Yes, I have—

Soviet: You're— how old are you?

America: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.

~~~

Mexico: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Bulgaria's birthday invitations.

America: Well, what are they supposed to say?

Mexico: "Bulgaria's birthday".

America: So, what do they say instead?

Mexico: "Bulgaria's bi".

America:

America: Works out either way.

~~~

Soviet: You know, America, you are the sun in my life.

America: Why? Cause I'm smoking hot?

Soviet: Because it hurts my eyes looking at you.

~~~

Bulgaria: Sweet dog you got there.

Police: Yes, this is our new drug sniffing dog.

Bulgaria: Still training huh?

Police: What do you mean?

Bulgaria:

Bulgaria: Never mind.

~~~

Mexico: I've been expecting you, America.

America: How did you do that without turning around?

Mexico: Let's just say the first few people I did that to were not you.

~~~

Canada: How the hell are you still alive?

America: Honestly, I'm just as confused as you are.

~~~

Canada: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!

Soviet: You left me, America, and Bulgaria in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.

Canada: I did that on purpose, try again.

~~~

America: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

~~~

Bulgaria: Tell Mexico off, Canada! Assert yourself!

Canada: That's my ice cream!

Bulgaria: Good! Now let them have it!!

Canada, handing Mexico the ice cream: Here, you can have it!

~~~

America: What's two plus two?

Canada: Math.

America: ...I will accept that answer.

~~~

Bulgaria: Why would anyone want to harm Canada?

America: Maybe because they met them?

~~~

Bulgaria: Everything's fine, Mexico.

Mexico: Bulgaria, I know your relationship with the english language is strictly casual, but you- I- *deep inhale* ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU WHAT'S NOT FINE.

~~~

America: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.

Canada: Weight loss? Drink water.

Bulgaria: Clear skin? Drink water.

Soviet: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

~~~

Soviet: Sometimes, I don't realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

~~~

*Comments under an image of a really hot knife cutting bread*

Soviet: Imagine stabbing someone with this knife.

America: It would instantly cauterize the wound, so the person wouldn't bleed, so it's not very useful.

Bulgaria: if you want information it is

Mexico: why would you STAB a person when you can have TOAST?

~~~

Mexico: Tommorrow's garbage day.

Canada: I can't believe they made a whole day dedicated to you.

~~~

Canada: So I have made the decision to trust you.

America: A horrible decision, really.

~~~

America: Uptown Funk would've made it into the Shrek Soundtrack.

Bulgaria: That's the truest statement I've ever heard.

~~~

*Soviet recording whilst Mexico and America are arguing*

Mexico: HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP!! HER SISTER WAS A WITCH, RIGHT? AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER? A PRINCESS! THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST, BRO!

Soviet: *wheezes like a tea kettle*

America, pulling out a knife: I'm gonna stab them.

Mexico: YOU'RE GONNA LOOK AT ME AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG? AM I WRONG?

America: It's my favorite movi-

Mexico: SHE WORE A CROWN AND SHE CAME DOWN IN A BUBBLE, AMERICA!

America: I'm not fighting with you, I'm not fighting with y-

Mexico: GROW UP, BRO. GROW UP!

~~~

Soviet: I was put on this earth to do one thing.

Soviet: Luckily I forgot what it was so I can do whatever I want.

~~~

Bulgaria: What happened to your nose?

Mexico: I used it to break some guy's fist.

~~~

America: My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

~~~

Canada, to Mexico: You're not Mario. Lets get something fucking straight, you're Luigi at best.

~~~

Mexico: Christmas is cancelled.

Bulgaria: You can't cancel a holiday.

Mexico: Keep it up, Bulgaria, and you'll lose New Year's too.

Bulgaria: What does that mean?

Mexico: Canada, take New Year's away from Bulgaria.

~~~

America: It's not gonna work, I'm not a snitch.

Cop: Fine, let's try something else. Tag a friend you recently committed a crime with.

America: Lmao, @Soviet.

~~~

Mexico: Do you think I'm ugly?

America: It's not about looks, Mexico. What's valuable is on the inside...

Mexico: America...

America: For example, someone's heart.

Mexico: Aw... Stop it-

America: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know.

Mexico: Seriously, stop.

~~~

Bulgaria: Met a dumbass today. Awful.

Canada: You looked in a mirror?

Bulgaria: someday you will have to answer for your actions and god may not be so merciful.

~~~

Soviet: What's worse than a heartbreak?

Mexico: Stepping on a cat's tail and not being able to explain that you're sorry.

~~~

Bulgaria: Okay, two person huddle.

America: You can't huddle with two people. This is just a hug.

~~~

Bulgaria: That sounds super! Doesn't that sound super, America?

America: No.

Bulgaria: I think I speak for America when I say it sounds really super.

~~~

Canada, reading a recipe: Beat three eggs?

Soviet: It means like in hand-to-hand combat.

Canada: Ohhhh-

America: Both of you get out of this kitchen.

~~~

Soviet: A fistfight CAN be romantic.

~~~

Bulgaria: Mexico, don't go picking a fight with America. Don't forget, they're powerful, they could make life difficult for you.

Mexico: Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life.

~~~

America: Bulgaria, are you drinking... drinking hydrogen peroxide?!

Bulgaria: It says H2O2! That means it's the sequel to water!

~~~

Mexico: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."

~~~

America: I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.

Canada: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

~~~

America: How does one turn their emotions off?

Bulgaria: Okay, so first go to settings.

Bulgaria: I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first.

America: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?

~~~

Canada: *watching the squad's shenanigans with concern* Do you feel like this has gotten out of hand?

Soviet: I don't know. Feels normal enough for a group that's on 911's blocked callers list.

~~~

America: Would you like something to drink? *They open the fridge* We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-

Mexico: Spiders?

America: Spiders it is then.

Mexico: No, that wasn't-

*But they were already pouring them a brimming glass of spiders...*

~~~

Soviet: America... you've been cuddling with me for over and hour now.

America: *muffled* mm hmmm :)

Soviet: Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable.

~~~

*playing twister*

America: Right hand red.

Mexico: *ends up on top of Canada*

Canada: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

America: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

~~~

America: I wish I was a cat, but not in a furry kinda way, more like a "I can sleep all day and hit people with no consequences" kinda way.

~~~

Soviet: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it.

America: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.

Mexico: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE!

~~~

Bulgaria: I trusted you!

Mexico: Why?

~~~

Canada: Fight me!

America, standing behind them and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

~~~

America: Why do you not believe that ghosts are real?

Bulgaria: Never seen one.

America: Okay, I mean, there's a lot of things that you can't see that are real.

Bulgaria: What can't I see?

America: You can't see gravity. That's real.

Bulgaria: Yeah, I can drop an apple.

America: Fuck.

~~~

America: Who the fuck-

Soviet: Language!

America: Whom the fuck-

Soviet: No.

~~~

America: Mexico just insisted Canada and I remember a code word in case we're ever confronted by their clone or a cyborg doppelgänger and we're not sure which is the real them and which is the imposter.

America: Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us.

~~~

America: Yeah I'm LGBT.

America: cuLt leader.

America: God hates me personally.

America: cowBoy hat.

America: *sniffles* Trying my best.

~~~

Canada: We call that a traumatic experience.

Canada, turning to America: Not a "bruh moment".

Canada, turning to Soviet: Not "sadge".

Canada, turning to Mexico: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

~~~

America: I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

~~~

Bulgaria: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember America, taken from us in the prime of life; when they were crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.

America: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.

~~~

America: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!

Mexico: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

~~~

Canada: Come on, Bulgaria. Nobody actually believes that Mexico is in love with me.

Bulgaria, to The Squad: Raise your hand if you think that Mexico is helplessly in love with Canada.

*Everyone raises their hand*

Canada: Mexico, put your hand down.

~~~

Mexico: I need to dye my hair.

Bulgaria: ...

Mexico: Or get another tattoo.

Bulgaria: ...

Mexico: Or a new piercing.

Bulgaria: Why?

Mexico: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods.

~~~

Canada: Everyone, calm down! We're grown-ups, let's deal with this like adults!

America: So, we're just going to wing it and hope for the best?

Canada: Obviously. Now, Soviet, pass the shovel.

~~~

America: I'm a reverse necromancer.

Canada: Isn't that just killing people?

America: Ah, technically.

~~~

Soviet: If there's one thing I learned from America, it's to set people's expectations real low, so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.

~~~

America: Do you guys hear something?

Bulgaria: I hear the sound of you shutting the fuck up.

~~~

America: I've been here in jail so long I think I've lost my mind.

America: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.

America: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?

Canada: This is Monopoly.

~~~

Soviet: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

America: Mine just says "America no."

Soviet: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

~~~

Canada: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

Mexico: Mine just says "Mexico no."

Canada: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

~~~

Bulgaria: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?

America: *crouches down*

Soviet: *kneels down*

Canada: *sits on the floor*

Bulgaria:

Bulgaria: I hate all of you.

~~~

Bulgaria: Hey, no, you stay out of this, this is between me and Canada!

Mexico: So Canada knows about this?

Bulgaria, walking away: No, this is between me and me!

~~~

Mexico: Would you take a bullet for me?

Canada: ...yes?

*America angrily burst into the room*

Mexico: *running away* Great, thanks!

~~~

Bulgaria: *Gives a bouquet to Mexico*

Mexico: You know I'm allergic.

Bulgaria: That's the point.

~~~

Mexico: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.

~~~

Mexico: *walks to cabinet, removes oreo box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out* Hi!

Canada: Hey- what are you doing-?

Mexico, shoving an oreo into their mouth: I am saving space :D

~~~

Mexico: You have friends and I envy that.

America: You're welcome to share my friends.

Mexico: *looks at Canada and Bulgaria*

Mexico: I don't want those.

~~~

Mexico: I can't believe there's a cat somewhere in my house. Amazing feeling. Love cats. And he's here, in my house! Somewhere! And I may encounter him! What a treat.

~~~

Bulgaria: Wake me up-

Mexico: Before you go go

Canada: When September ends

America: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

~~~

*America rushes by with an armful of water bottles*

Soviet: What's going on?

Bulgaria: America wouldn't drink water.

Soviet: ...And?

Bulgaria: And I asked them how fast they could chug an entire bottle.

America, loudly: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCHES!

~~~

Soviet: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.

America: No, that's not how you make cookies.

Mexico: FLOOR IT!!

Soviet: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?

America: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-

Soviet: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!

Canada: DO IT!

America: NO-

~~~

Soviet: I've invited you here because I crave the deadliest game...

Mexico, nodding: Knife Monopoly.

Soviet: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.

~~~

America: Hey, you want a tarot reading?

Bulgaria: Those are Pokemon cards.

America: You got a magikarp.

Bulgaria: ...

America: It means 'fuck you'.

~~~

America: The first time Mexico opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside they yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"

~~~

Mexico: WHO THE FUCK-

Canada: Whoa, language!

Mexico: I speak fucking English!

Canada: ...

~~~

Mexico: America, what do you have?

America: A KNIFE!

Mexico: Okay, have fu-

Canada: NO!

~~~

America: Don't worry, I have a permit.

Canada: ...This just says "I can do what I want".

~~~