It's safe to say that my emotional and mental state depended a lot on Yoongi. 
Perhaps I was holding on to him too much. 

Maybe that's why when I found out the truth, it was more terrifying to believe in it.

It's really hard to imagine that someone with whom you spent so much time and who means so much to you, wasn't actually there at all. Literally.
He wasn't there all those afternoons when I was alone in my house.
He wasn't lying on my bed, doodling on my homework assignments even when I told him to stop.
He wasn't actually there on my last day of school watching movies on my laptop.
He wasn't with me all those times I cried my eyes out because of my parents.
And he definitely wasn't there when Wheein called my aunt.

That was the day that led us here.

Wheein and I were just finishing up the last shift at the coffee shop we had been working at since we graduated. 
It looks like a fairly cosy place on the outside, but it's bigger on the inside. And for the most part full of stressed-out office workers, sleep-deprived students, loud street workers and, my least favourite, people with overly complicated coffee orders. Those were the ones that had probably seen the shop and thought "hey, this looks like the kind of place fancy enough to order the perplexing version of a Starbucks drink, plus all the extras". 
I was just glad that they didn't swing by that often and that Wheein and I had agreed that I would never have to do cashier duty as long as she was there.  

She was the one who had gotten us the job in the first place since she was the talker that everybody loves out of the two of us.

It had always been like that ever since we had met on the first day of high school. 

With both of us being pretty much always in the same class, Wheein approached me first and since then we just kind of hang around each other.
Although Wheein has proclaimed plenty of times that we are friends, I still have a slightly hard time believing her. Maybe it's because part of me is never really sure how to act around her. Or maybe I just keep comparing our friendship with the one Yoongi and I had. 

"I know we already had this conversation, but why does Mr Kim choose to ignore our complaints about the background music in here?" she grimaced behind the cashier, looking around the now almost vacant coffee shop. It was almost closing time.

"Probably because last time you were in charge of the music, you decided to play Big Bang's greatest hits at six in the morning,"  I comment, trying my best to focus on the task at hand. Wiping the counter clean from all the shit that a group of high school kids had done after dropping all their drinks on the same spot. Assholes.

"And that's bad because...?"

"'Because we got complaints from several people who were trying to order but couldn't because you were too busy scream-singing 'Bang Bang' and you almost hit someone with a cloth in the face. Not to mention how some customers said that the music was too 'bothersome'."

"And this is better?" she gestured towards the air, full of disgust.

"I think Mr Kim said this was supposed to have a calmer effect on people."

"It sounds like elevator music if you ask me!"

"And then you wonder why we don't work mornings anymore!" I teased her. I actually prefer working late shifts. The coffee shop was usually less full and I liked walking home at night.

"Well, it sure ruins our social lives."

"Not like I had one, to begin with..."

"Speaking of which, how's your friend that you've refused to introduce me to?" Wheein grabbed a cloth and stood very close to me, pretending to be helping me clean the mess. But I knew she just wanted to 'pressure' me into giving her the answer she wanted.

"Good. Still not very open to the idea of meeting new people, if that's what you're asking."

"I really don't get it! We've known each other for almost three years, how can I not know your so-called best friend?"

"He's just not comfortable with meeting anyone. At all. Not even my aunt knows him." I gave her the same excuse I always did. But it was still true, Yoongi never wanted to meet Wheein or anybody else. Just as I started to think about all the times he had refused to even be seen by my aunt, I look up to the entrance of the shop only to see him waving from the other side of the street. "Speaking of the devil."

"He's here? Where?" Wheein squeaked, looking in every direction possible. I got closer to her and point her in his direction."I don't see anybody!"

"Maybe you're getting blind."

"There's nobody th-"

"Oi, you two! Shift's over! Go home!" Mr Kim's voice grumbled behind us. I'm pretty sure he never liked me very much, but he needed all the help he could get. Still, that didn't stop him from looking annoyed whenever he caught a glance at me.

After I said a quick goodbye to Wheein and tried to get away from Mr Kim's disapproving look, I ran out of the coffee shop to the other side of the street where Yoongi was. 
I remember almost slipping on the sidewalk because everything was so wet. It's strange, I can remember certain details like the way the park looked, the humidity, the smells and sounds, but other things are kind of fuzzy.
Maybe I've been trying really hard to forget the bad parts of the day.

I know our conversation started off as it usually did.

"For a person who spent four hours serving non-fat lattes to desperate housewives, you sure look lively." he teased. Somehow, he felt different that day. Not sure how to explain it. He just seemed sort of distant, like he knew that everything would change after that day.

"We can't all be grumpy little shits like you, can we?" this comment earned me a light slap on the back of the head and a sarcastic laugh from Yoongi.

Like I mentioned before, not everything about that day is clear in my memory. 
Especially this part.

I remember we were walking around the park not far from where I worked. We walked very slowly as we talked about our day and how Yoongi was so tired all the time. I know I was telling him about something Wheein had done. But then the conversation changed tone.

Somehow, we started arguing about all the times Yoongi had stood me up, how he always refused to meet my aunt or Wheein, and how he didn't share anything with me. How it felt like I sometimes didn't know him as much as I thought I did.
Maybe I should have seen this as a red flag of sorts...

But at the time, I was so mad at him all of the sudden, that I simply didn't care.
About anything.
I didn't care that so many people were staring at us, shouting at each other as it started to rain slightly.

I didn't care how cold I was feeling and how the stupid jacket I was wearing could barely give me any warmth.
I didn't care how lifeless Yoongi looked that day and how his voice sounded so terrifying.
I didn't care that some squirrels ( who actually weren't there according to Wheein)  were quarrelling and screeching almost as loud as us.
Hell, I barely even cared that Wheein was standing on the other side of the park calling out for me.

Poor Wheein.
She had left the coffee shop not a few minutes after me when she decided to follow me so that she could retrieve my forgotten umbrella.
Wheein just wanted to help.
Instead, she found me arguing with Yoongi in the middle of the park.
At least that's what I thought she saw.

Wheein's perspective of the scene was incredibly different.
The sight was actually something familiar to her. At least it looked similar to other situations she had witnessed during our high school years which she chose to ignore or simply mark down as "my friend can be a little odd and do things I can't explain sometimes and that kind of terrifies me". She had done it so many times, so why not again? 
Nope, this time she decided she couldn't ignore it and pretend like everything was fine.
Like I was fine.

On that day, after three years of confusion and denial, Jung Wheein gathered up all of her courage, called my aunt and told her everything that was going on in front of her, along with a few other incidents that she had never even thought of mentioning to anyone.

When she hung up, she could feel the tears threatening to fall. She could only think about what was to come and how she was to blame. The guilt was too overwhelming for her.
But she tried her best to swallow everything up and call my name again.

I remember looking at Wheein's face and thinking that I never have seen her look so sad and how worried that made me.
The fight with my supposed best friend wasn't going anywhere and it felt like it was sucking all my energy, while my other friend who was shouting my name from the other side of the park looked so miserable gripping my umbrella in her hands. 
It was a simple choice.

"One day, I really hope you actually start trusting me as much as you say you do."  Yoongi hissed. At that moment, he didn't feel like my Yoongi at all. He was not the boy who had unglued my fingers and mocked me for days. He just looked like a cold and distant version of him.

"Maybe that will be the day you decide to treat me as a priority like I do with you." 

I'm not exactly sure if those were the exact words I said, but the message was there.

I turned away from him and made my way towards Wheein, who was wiping her face repeatedly.

"Are you okay?" I asked once I was close enough to her.

"Right now? I'm not really sure. Are you okay?" she sniffled.

"Just mad. We'll work this out. We always do."

"Who were you talking to?"

"An idiot." I tried to joke to lighten up the mood. Wheein didn't laugh.

"Was it Yoongi?"

"Yeah...I don't think it's the best time to meet him though." I commented as I looked over my shoulder to where the shell that was supposed to be my best friend stood. It was so strange looking at him at that time. He was just standing in the same spot where I left him, looking at me with the same angry eyes he had during our fight. 
He actually looked scary.

"Don't worry about it."

As I sometimes did, I walked Wheein to the train station. She never liked walking home at night all by herself, so I often had to accompany her on the days we worked the night shift. 
She would talk the whole way there, always cheerful and so full of life, pretty much contrasting with the dark night sky.
But not on that day.

Wheein was quiet the whole time. She barely responded to my attempts at small talk or comfort. She ignored the rain and gripped the handle of her umbrella so hard that her hand was turning white. Her eyes never left the wet ground, as if it was the most interesting she had ever seen.

When we arrived at the train station, she threw her umbrella on the floor and hugged me so tightly, I couldn't breathe at all and I ended up dropping my own umbrella. 
Then, she started crying.

"Are you sure you're okay? 'Cause I'm having some serious doubts right now." I questioned her for the seventh time in ten minutes. I was really unsure of what to do, so I just let her cling to me, hoping that it would somehow help her feel better. Even if the rain was starting to bother me a little.

"No matter what happens, please don't hate me. I really just want you to be okay." she wept, burying her face in my shoulder.

We stood there in the middle of the street for a while. Wheein never bothered to move and I was starting to run out of ideas to comfort her. She kept apologising over and over again.
She only let me go when I started to rush her to get to the station or she would lose her train. I handed her umbrella, wiped the tears on her face and said goodbye to her.
She hesitantly left. 
She looked so broken as she waved from the train's window.
She never stopped crying.

During my walk home, I couldn't stop thinking about Wheein.
My bright, sweet and beautiful friend, who had always been the sunshine out of the two of us. 
Who just minutes ago had been soaking my jacket with her tears.
It was heartbreaking.
And I couldn't help her.

I gripped the handle of my umbrella as I thought about Wheein's broken face. What could have possibly hurt her so badly? Why didn't I know how to comfort her properly? I decided to ask my aunt about all of these things. She always knew what to do.

But I didn't have the chance.

When I entered our small apartment, my aunt wasn't in our kitchen. She wasn't heating up the water for the ramens packs she had bought for our dinner, as she did every Thursday night. She wasn't alone singing along to some random pop song that was playing on the radio as she waited for me to come home so we could eat and talk about our uneventful days.

My aunt called out for me from the living room. 
The look on her face was almost as identical to Wheein's. Just in one day, two of the most important people in my life had broken down in tears, and I had no idea what to do to make it better.

Dr Jo was sitting next to her, a cup of tea in front of him. That probably meant he had been there for a while. I was very surprised to see him. My appointment was only supposed to be next week after all. But his face looked so strained, it was obvious that he wasn't there for just a social call.

They told me to sit down in front of them. My aunt tried to light up the solemn atmosphere with small talk but the tension was too much and so  Dr Jo decided to take the hold of the conversation.

I'll spare you all the details about how all the explaining Dr Jo did.
He mentioned that after the procedure he had to go through, like looking closely at my medical records, checking all the symptoms that matched his theory, and taking into account my family's medical history and the professional opinion of other psychiatrists, he was quite certain he could finally and officially diagnose me.  He also tried his best to reassure me that I had nothing to be ashamed of and all that, but my anxiety was too overwhelming for me to fully listen to him.
It only got worse when he took a deep breath and finally announced the dreadful news.

"I can affirm with a great amount of certainty that you have schizophrenia."