Gemma:

The school week has gone by in a blur. I head into my library and start to dig through the books Lucian had placed on the shelves last week. He's placed books on one whole bookcase. While Valentino has placed books on all the other shelves. I end up pulling out a dingy book. Once I move that said book; a small leather book falls out from behind it.

Right on my foot. That smaller book is heavier than you would think.

I place the original book I have back onto the shelf and pick up the mysterious book from my foot. I walk to my desk in the corner and turn my lamp on. I nest into my chair and open the small book to see the front cover page.

"Belongs to Lucian Romeo Rossi."

I open the first page and see an entry.....

This is his journal.

His thoughts.

Don't read this.

Do it! We might find so dirt on his ass.

It's his private thoughts!

So! Read it.

I shouldn't read it, but I go against my better judgement and listen to the devilish voice in my head and the one on my shoulder. I guess it is true. Everyone has an Angel on one shoulder and the Devil on the other.

"August 2rd. xxxx"

This was just a little over 2 years ago. He was only 12 almost 13 at the time.

Holy shit.

"I feel numb at times. The pain I felt for years is still there. However, I just ignore it. Pushed it aside if you shall say. I made myself go numb. My body at time rolls in anger. My brain is that.... Angry. You would think after all these years I'd be over my anger..... Well, I haven't. It's gotten worse since Gemma disappeared. It's got worse when my dad found my mother with a note and a gunshot wound. That was the day I hated my little sister. The day I wish she had died. Hell! I wish she was never born."

Ouch that kind of hurts. I start a debate with the devil on shoulder. Should I flip the page or should I throw this journal out the window. Devil on my shoulder won because I end up flipping the page to a new entry.

"August 12th"

"Happy birthday to me. Yup! Today is my birthday. Yet, I don't celebrate it really. I haven't since mom died. She died the day after I turned 10. My last one I celebrated was my 10th birthday. Dad will try to take us out to eat. My outburst of anger will destroy the dinner. I'll end up grounded. I'll end up lectured by Renzo, Matteo, and Nikolai. Valentino hasn't spoken since our sister was taken. So, he never lectures me. Which I honestly miss. Her disappearance has changed this whole family. I hope she's dead."

A tear slips my eyes when I reread this entry. He's suffering in his own way. How has anyone not noticed this? I still have a debate about throwing this journal out the window. But again the devil won because I flip to a newer entry. The next page. To be precise.

"August 13th"

Fuck.

Mom's death anniversary.

Poor Lucian.

"Yesterday I nailed it on the head. My anger got the best of me. I got lectured by dad. Yelled at would be an understatement. He tore me a new asshole. I swear.

He told me I was a selfish inconsiderate brat who gave no fucks about anyone else. All of us are struggling to cope. My problems are making it worse on everyone. So, I took a page out of mom's book. I got my hands on some heavy duty pills the other day from older kids at my school. I stole a bottle of dad's expensive whiskey. And swallowed the five pills with his whole bottle of whiskey. It never took effect fast enough so, my incoherent self decided to hang a rope in the arch way of my closet. I guess I was so quiet for so long Julian, Renzo, Valentino, Matteo, and Nikolai went looking for me.

Who cares right?

When Julian busted through my door. I was already succumbing to the darkness. His figure was blurred. I just knew it was him by how he was moving.

Did I care?

No. I didn't remember much after that. How I got off the rope. How I ended up in the hospital wing of our house. I woke up to Julian and my oldest 4 brothers in the room with me. Their cheeks were stained with tears.

Did I get a lecture?

No. They kept trying to comfort me.

Did I want it?

No. I wanted to die in peace.

Where was my father?

He left after my birthday on some Mafia business. He didn't know I tried to kill myself. My brothers never spoke a word of it.

It was our secret."

I now was full on sobbing.

How could one child? One person. One brother. Have so much hurt. Have so much numbness. That they just wanted to die?! I keep asking myself the same questions. How?

Same could be asked about us Gem. The exact same thing babe.

I don't want to read any further but I flipped the page to a newer entry anyways.

"Sept 2nd xxxx"

So last year.

No, it was just yesterday when he wrote this dumbass!

"If you could count how many times I've tried to kill myself. You wouldn't be able to count on your fingers or toes. You wouldn't be able to count how many scars are on my wrists, arms, thighs. There's too many of them. Dad has been more busy with running the mafia. Renzo will be stepping up shortly. Matteo will be his second in command while Valentino will be his third. Nikolai is also his third but he tends to take care of the younger siblings. I wander what life would be like if mom was still here? If Gemma was still here. Sometimes I imagine they still are. Does that make me crazy?

Probably so."

Poor Lucian. We're more alike than any of us realize. No wonder why he was asking questions about my suicide attempts. Because, my big brother went and is probably still going through this. He's going through this all alone because I know damn well he isn't asking our brothers for help. A tear falls freely down my chin and onto this page. I flip more pages and begin to read a different entry.

"Dec 24th"

Months later.

Nope! Minutes later bitch!

"Every year at Christmas time we leave out presents for mom and Gemma. Presents neither got to open. They get put up each year after Christmas. And taken down each year for Christmas. Each year a new present is next to the older ones. I wander how she's doing? Is she opening up presents tomorrow? Does she remember us? Will she want to find us? Dad has searched for years for her. Each day is wearing him down. Physically and emotionally. I don't know how much longer dad has. When he will give up? Is he going to want to give up? This search for our sister is causing his health to decline. There's days I want to yell at my sister. Yet there's days I wander if she would still be annoying me. But my anger comes back and I start to push all thoughts away. I hate her."

Ouch! So much hate in one person's body. How can he hold so much hate for me? I should be mad. I should be anger. Or sad. No. All I want to do is hug my brother and squeeze the hate out of him. Strange I know.

"April 4th xxxx"

This is a few weeks after I found my family again.

No we just walked on planet Jupiter and they happened to be there....

"Do you ever regret something you said?

I have.

The day I told Gem I hated her. I wish she was dead. She was dead to me.

She didn't deserve that.

Not one bit.

But my anger makes me say and do things I shouldn't. My anger causes me to fuck up a lot.

Maybe I should take my older brothers advises on going to the gym and fighting or working out more to release my anger. I already spend most my time doing that shit anyways. It doesn't help like it use too. I do not think I can handle any more hurt in her eyes from my harsh untrue words. Dad let me go down and torture the ones responsible for her kidnapping.

It released a lot of my frustration.

My anger.

Or go to a therapist. Nah! I don't even open up to my own family. So it would be a waste of money and time. Because I know I wouldn't even open up to a random stranger. Kane now, I open up some to my best friend. He understands me. I'll just stick to torturing the ones responsible for her kidnapping. Fuck a therapist.

However, I would turn back time just to be the loving 6 year old again. Maybe before I fuck up too bad she'll forgive me.

I wish I could find the courage to tell her I love her and will always protect her. But I'm a chicken shit.

My anger doesn't allow it.

I watch as she is asleep.

Right before she runs into Val's room each night. I want to be the one she runs to when she is scared, hurt, or needs a shoulder. But my attitude doesn't allow me to show or voice what I truly want and feel."

He has a heart after all. I wish we could go back to being our child selves. Before I was kidnapped. Before mom ever committed suicide. Back to where we were best friends. Where we were carefree and just us. I would give anything in this world to have that again. To have my brothers even Lucian back to their old selves.

"April 6th xxxx"

"For her I would give the world. For her she is the world."

"April 7th xxxx"

'I found that with depression, one of the most important things you could realize is that you're not alone.'

That was the quote of a famous person that Gemma spoke. Does she know I'm depressed? Can she tell?"

I knew you probably was. I had my doubts but not all people who wear black everything suffers from depression. Not every moody and angry person suffers from it. He just confirmed my small doubts with his entries.

"April 8th"

'Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they're going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It's hard to be a friend to someone who's depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do. People who have never dealt with depression think it's just being sad or being in a bad mood. That's not what depression is for me; it's falling into a state of grayness and numbness.'

Those were my sister's words today at school. She's depressed and she isn't afraid to ask for help. Nor does she care to help others when they're in their moods. She's truly a kind soul. I don't want to taint her pure soul with my blackened, evil one. Does she think I'm a monster?"

I close the journal because I couldn't read another entry. I pull out my own notepad from my desk drawer. I grab my pen out of my holder and begin to write.

"Lucian,

You're not alone. You have our brothers, our father, and you have me. If you ever feel down, just know I'll be your shoulder. If you want to rant, rave, talk. Just know I will be your ears. I'll always be that annoying sister don't worry. If you feel the urge to cut then come find me. You aren't alone Cian. Remember I am always by your side. If you don't want anyone knowing about our talks or us going back to our five and six year old self... Then you may always pretend to hate me and when we're alone we can go back to being siblings like back then. I won't tell.

I forgive you.

I always have before any hurtful words ever left your mouth.

I love you with all my heart.

Your soul won't taint mine.

Mine will only make yours shine brighter with it next to your's.

I will be your light in your darkest days. My light will guide so you are never alone.

Love always

La tua sorellina"

I tuck the letter in the front of his journal with a piece of it sticking out. I head upstairs to his forbidden room. I knock a few times but he never answered. I listen for any movement which there isn't any. So, I figure he snuck out or is downstairs still. Probably being lectured by our father. I open his door and gently place his journal on his desk. I turn around and face plant into the door.

Door?

In the middle of his room?

Fuck me.

I reluctantly look up to my hopeful imaginary door.

Fuck me sideways while running.

"What are you doing?" Lucian growls.

"I.... Uhhh." I stutter.

"Spit it out." He says with a annoyed expression.

"I found something of yours in my library and brought it back here." I rush out.

He glances over at his desk and I take the golden opportunity to high tail it out of his room like Jesus and Lucifer are on my ass. Once I'm safely out his room I gently close his door. Not all the way.
I carefully squat at his door and peek through the small opening. I could see him clear as day.

"Are you spying?" Maximus laughs out. I jump in freight.

"Shhh!" I whisper. He gives me a brow cocked pretty much telling me to explain.

"I wrote Lucian a note. He's reading it." I answered.

"Oh! This is good." Maximus says while squatting next to me.

Partner in crime?

Maybe?.

"Shit, she knows! She's read my journal." His voice rings out.

I see Lucian toss his journal on his desk and begin to walk towards his door.

Shit.

"Gem. You didn't?!" Maximus asks while facing me with his brow raised to the gods.

"Gotta go bye." I whisper yell.

I run down the hall. Down the stairs and into our main sitting room. All our brothers look up at me with confused expressions on their faces.

"Needed my exercise." I say while shrugging my shoulders.

Exercise?

Really!

Maximus comes walking down the stairs, laughing behind me. Once he's near the couches; he plops down and sits on the floor. Our family looks at Maximus even more confused.

"This will be great." Maximus laughs out.

"What will be? What have you done?" Papa asks.

"It isn't I who's done anything." Maximus says while still laughing with his hands up in surrender. I hear Lucian coming down the stairs. I instantly hide behind Renzo's chair.

"The show is about to begin Ladies and Gents." Maximus calls out.

"Where is the shit head at?" Lucian asks. He sounds too close to comfort. I quickly crawl behind one of our many couches.

"Who?" Nikolai asks.

"Language!" Renzo and Matteo scold him.

"Fuck your language. Where is Gemma?" Lucian says.

I peek over the couch and see my brothers and dad looking confused. Lucian has a smile, well a hint of a smile on his lips. I'm guessing he could sense my eyes on him because his eyes snap straight at mine. This causes me to shrink back down behind the couch again. I start to crawl to the other end. Once at the other end, I round the corner and I crawl in between Gianni's legs.

If you are just going to stand there looking stupid. And aren't going to help me than I'm going to make you.

I wouldn't help you either.

Fuck you!

No thanks!

"Sister! Oh sister! Come out come out wherever you are!" Lucian chuckles out. His voice is closer than before. My eyes get huge. I'm in deep shit.

I start crawling in between my now standing up on their feet brothers' legs. Weaving in between their legs. If you aren't going to help me than you're getting taken down with me.

"Where'd she go?" He asks.

I'm guessing he had never seen me crawling behind the couch a minute ago; trying to hide from his vicious ass. I quickly stand up and hide behind Nikolai's 6'6 tall ass. What I don't expect is my brothers to part like an earthquake splitting the earth open. I'm in plain sight. Lucian looks over and with a shit eating grin. Maximus somehow has gotten chips and is eating while chuckling.

Boy I hope those chips choke you.

Earth, please swallow me up.

"There she is!" He calmly says.

Fuck.

We're dead!

He walks over to me. Which now I am leaning against Leonardo. He grabs my hand and tries to drag me away from the safety of my older brothers. I mean trying because as he's pulling, I have latched ahold of one of my brothers closest to Leonardo. I can tell by the ring on the middle finger. I'm holding on to Vincent's wrist.

"I just need to have a word with you. I promise. It's just a short conversation. He says. I still don't let go of my only anchor. Vincent will protect me. He has too. I am his triple sister after all.

"I'll even get cheesecake. Please Gems." He offers. He has me at cheesecake.

I'm weak for cheesecake. It's not fair he used my only weakness on me.

Fucking ass hat.

I reluctantly let go of Vinny's wrist. Once I'm free from my anchor, Lucian throws his arm over my shoulders. He places my feet back on the floor. We start to walk towards the kitchen with me. Well.... I guess I don't move fast enough because I am immediately thrown into the air and landing onto something hard as a rock. He starts to walk to the kitchen with me on his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. I can see the whole world upside down.

Hey, how did that dot get on the ceiling?

Nikolai looks funny upside down.

I can see up Gianni's nose.

I think I see his nonexistent brain.

I can hear our brothers laughing as we round the corner in the kitchen.

Fucking assholes.

"I told you guys it was going to be a great show." Maximus voice fills the air.

Fucking dick!

I am now sitting on the stool while Lucian left to get, I guess our cheesecake. Lucian comes back with a huge slice of cheesecake. He places the plate in front of me and hands me a fork. He sits across from me with his own fork. We both took a bite from the same slice.

Are we sharing this?!

Nah! He just has two forks and a slice of cheesecake of both your hands.

"I'm sorry! I shouldn't have read that. I should have just brought it back to you without looking." I ramble out.

"It's okay." Lucian says.

"Like it was wrong of me. I knew better. I...." I was interrupted.

"It's okay Gems. I promise." He repeats himself.

"I... What?!" I say confused.

He chuckles.

He bloody chuckles.

Did Earth just catch ablaze?

"It's fine. Let's just eat this cheesecake. You and I. Okay?" He mumbles out with a mouthful of cheesecake.

"What the hell?" Leonardo says.

"She never shares her slice with any of us." Vincent says.

"Shut up!" Julian snaps.

"Will you three be quiet." Gianni sasses.

"What? She hasn't stabbed him with a fork yet!" Alonzo says stunned.

"Shhh! They'll hear all of us." Nikolai whispers.

"Shut it." Renzo growls quietly.

"Too last." Maximus yells.

"We can see you!" Lucian calmly says.

"See? Bitch! We heard them before we even seen them!" I yell out.

"Language!" Lucian laughs out.

So, I done the obvious thing. I flipped him off. I stole the rest of the slice from him and walked off.

Gemma 1

Lucian 0

Dick!

A/N:

Word Count: 3482

One of my shorter chapters I believe.

Anyways, what do you think about her finding Luican's journal?

What do you think about what she read in his journal?

Do you see why he acts the way he does?

What are your thoughts?

Are you enjoying the book so far?

Next chapter should be up in 24 hours.

Anywho! Have a beautiful day or night!

XoXo :)

Edited: 5/26/23