Happiness wasn't something that came easily to Emery, something he knew how to accept. Even lying naked in Josh's arms, in the aftermath of everything they'd shared, his shoulders were tense. Josh kissed the juncture between his neck and shoulder, the spot he'd so often imagined placing his lips upon, palm splayed on his chest. "Hey. I can't help but wonder if I should feel my reputation is in danger. Did I do anything wrong?"

Emery intertwined their fingers, bringing Josh's knuckles to his lips. "Never. You did nothing wrong."

Josh would believe that when he saw a genuine smile again. "Then what is it?"

Vulnerable brown eyes met Josh's. "I don't think I know anymore how this part should go. You must understand. Simon — Vincent — was the last person I did this with whom I didn't pay, and he was playing a role. I don't know how to act after what you've so freely given me. You've done nothing wrong by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't know what happens next. Most of me is waiting for you to get dressed and leave."

Josh swallowed. He understood what Emery was implying, but it was still not an easy thing to hear. And the way Emery had stripped himself of all his defenses, to allow Josh to see through to his core, tore at his heart. Josh's voice was calm, careful not to turn a judgment-free question into an accusation. "Do you want me to pick up my things and go?"

"I said 'waiting,' not 'hoping'." He tightened his fingers around Josh's, inhaling deeply before continuing. "Never hoping. But I don't want you to stay if you don't... I don't know what tonight was. I know you wanted me, and I know... There's a reason why they call it 'sweet nothings'. Words exchanged in the height of pleasure aren't an accurate reflection of reality — they often lose their meaning once the act is done. And if..." He closed his eyes but couldn't hide the pain in his voice. "If all that happened between us was you getting me out from under your skin? I would spare you the awkwardness of waking here tomorrow. If you're... Done with me, now. If this is where it ends. So it's up to you to decide. Was this a beginning or an end, Josh?"

Damn words. Josh kept struggling with them — he'd been doing a lot of that in the last few hours, and it was all the sharper in light of Emery's eloquence — but that had to be in the past. By some miracle, despite all the pain Josh had put Emery through with his inability to voice things, Emery was right here, in his arms. This would never be an end unless that was what Emery wanted. He just needed a moment to find the right words.

Emery took his silence to mean something else. He opened his eyes, sad smile confined only to his lips, and made to extricate himself from Josh's arms. Josh tightened his grip, pulling him so they'd be skin to skin again. Emery's gaze fell away. "I believe I have my answer. Thank you for doing me the courtesy of not lying."

Josh needed them to be facing for this. His other hand cupped Emery's face tenderly, thumb brushing his cheekbone just below his glasses. "Hey. Can you look at me?"

Emery complied, eyes guarded. Preparing for Josh to crush him, no doubt, but Josh would do everything in his power to ensure he'd never cause so much as the tiniest of aches again.

"I love you," he said. The words that had been trying to escape him for years really did express all his feelings — he didn't know why he'd been so concerned with finding new ones. "That's what tonight was. We can go wherever you want from here, but the answer to your question, the answer to all your questions is 'I love you'."

The play of emotions in Emery's eyes was overwhelming, his face aglow in a way that, no matter what he said, made him look incredibly handsome in Josh's eyes. "You... Still? Even after the way I behaved then? Even after all this time?"

A kiss was Josh's immediate reply, heart racing as Emery pressed closer with a fierceness that put any lingering fear Josh might have had to rest. "Even though I fought against it with all I had. If you're so utterly forgettable how come I couldn't forget you no matter how hard I tried?"

"I didn't— I never— Josh, I thought— I thought I'd thrown that away that day. I didn't think I'd ever get the chance to— You must know I feel the same. That I love you."

Josh knew, of course — after this night, he'd be a fool not to — but hearing the words spoken aloud held its own kind of weight. He smiled, heart racing. "I kind of hoped you did."

An incredulous, joyful laugh from Emery that almost drowned out the couch's ominous creak. "You 'kind of hoped'? What am I to do with you?"

"Whatever you want." His tone turned serious again. He didn't much care for what he was about to say, but he was a grown man. "I mean that, Emery. I can still go home if you want to enjoy the first night alone in your own space. My ego can handle that, knowing that you love me. Knowing we have a lot of tomorrows."

Emery shook his head in fond exasperation. "Are you truly that blind, that you'd think I'd prefer anything other than having as much of you as you as you're willing to give?"

Josh kissed him again, gentle and unhurried. "I'm willing to give whatever you need, and that includes space."

"And if I don't want space?"

"Well, you've certainly chosen the right couch for that, then," he quipped, hand still caressing Emery's face.

Emery didn't smile, or point out that the couch had come with the studio. His eyes were intent, in that expression he sometimes wore when he couldn't bear anything other than frank discussion. He tucked Josh's hair behind his ear, fingers tangling in the strands.

"It's a serious question. You have your entire life set up in a way that tells me you're not bothered by distance, and I have only just given you your house back. I have no wish to make you stay the night — this or any other — if you'd prefer to sleep in your own bed. You've told me of your feelings — that's more than enough."

A slow kiss, sensuous, that reminded him of evenings spent listening to Emery reading poetry and the delight Josh had felt, realizing how much he enjoyed it. An undignified whimper escaped him when Emery broke away to continue.

"But I still need to know what you want. You said you were willing to give me whatever I needed: what I need is honesty. Because..." He paused. "Because if you leave it in my hands... I don't want to ruin this before it's even properly started by aiming for more than I should, and I'm— I can't think of any day where I'd prefer your absence to your company, especially knowing we'll go for months without seeing each other. So I need to know clearly how we go on from here, what to expect, how much to reach for."

"Emery..." Again Josh paused, wondering if speaking the next words would make him selfish. After the year Emery had had he was finally in a position to pay for his own apartment and expenses, to have his own space, to not be dependent on Josh's good will to have a roof over his head; how could Josh ever ask him to give that up for him?

But— no. No, he'd wasted too much time wondering already, assuming, time that could have been spent laying his cards out on the table. If he was a grown man then Emery was as well, able to make his own decisions. He sat up, back against the uncomfortable couch, and pulled Emery up so they'd be facing one another.

"You can't ruin this by overreaching. Trust me, you can't. I want to be with you. I don't care if I come here, or you go there, or if you want to sleep in this awful lumpy thing by yourself — not if we're together. I don't want to be selfish, or to crowd you by moving too fast, but if you want the truth, here's the truth:"

Josh couldn't stop touching him, bringing his face in for a kiss that multiplied until Emery's glasses were foggy from their shared breath. He lifted them from the bridge of Emery's nose, wiping them on the bedsheet and lovingly placing them back on his face.

"If I'm being completely honest, I hate that you left. Hate it more than words can say. Today when I looked at my place without anything of yours lying around... It doesn't feel like home anymore. These last two weeks..." No, it had been longer than that. "These last two months have been hell. Knowing you were on your way out, missing you while you were still there... So, if it were up to me, tomorrow we'd pack up what we unpacked today, you'd move back in and that would be that. My bedroom or yours feels like a more bearable choice."

But that wasn't all he really wanted to say, was it? And he had to start as he meant to go on — giving Emery all his words, no matter how uncomfortably exposed they made him feel. "Not even that. If it were up to me I'd wake up next to you every day. Fall asleep next to you every night. You said for however long I would have you, but I'd have you for always. I want everything you feel like letting me have. Everything."

Fuck, this 'telling everything' strategy was a health hazard. Josh felt like he was on the verge of a heart attack. Emery's eyes widened, gaze searching his, though Josh couldn't tell what it was he was looking for. He soldiered on before Emery could get a word in edgewise. "I don't need it — I'd never ask you to do that when I know how hard you fought for this place. I'm... I know it sounds cliché, but I never knew I could be this happy. The rest doesn't matter. But you asked for honesty, so there you have it."