Jalouse: to suspect; to be jealous of
Jealousy: an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has.
2. an unhappy or angry feeling caused by the belief that someone you love likes or is liked by someone else. [Merriam-Webster dictionary]

Words: 2291

****

Ren rolled out of bed - literally - and fell ungracefully onto the floor of his dorm room. With a groan, he pushed himself up into a sitting position, propped up by his arms and scanned the room with his sleep-dazed eyes. Piercing blue eyes were met with nothing but empty beds, one meticulously made and the other. . . not so much.

With a glance to the clock, he saw that it was nearly eight and assumed that Masato were down for breakfast where the group of idols usually met in the academy's cafeteria. Ranmaru was probably already on his way to a concert in Barcelona with the rest of Quartet Night.

Dragging himself to the bathroom, he realized that he hadn't changed out of the white collared shirt, vest and jeans that he'd worn to the party the night before. A look in the mirror told him that he looked like a living representation of a hot mess; his hair that was usually groomed and stylishly hanging over his eyes were teeming with cowlicks and his clothes were crooked and wrinkled.

Obviously, sleeping carelessly like he had was not a good idea because he'd never looked worse. The incident last night really screwed his conscience over, evident with the dark eye-bags that were prominent even against his tan skin. The lack of real sleep was due to the festering of nightmares, although they were more like previous memories of him and Haruka that had been littered with a certain redhead's presence.

Sighing, Ren ran a hand through his hair and broke out of the trance that had his heart aching and looked away from his reflection to fix himself up before going down for breakfast. He would have to face Starish, and everyone else that had witnessed the scene at the party, and hopefully bear through the inevitable awkward tension. And possible rage.

It's too early in the morning for this.

***

The cafeteria was bustling with students, some still getting their morning meals at the counter, and others seated at the tables everywhere else. Listening to the level of noise, one would've never guessed it was eight in the morning. These people were obviously more morning-coordinated than Ren was.

When he walked in, the place didn't suddenly hush quiet like he'd expected (it happened a lot in the movies) but the tables closest to him did leer at him for a split second then avert their gaze, probably to whisper some nasty things to their friends. Ignoring the stares he was getting from a good handful of students around him, he looked over to the self-serve counter where an array of food was lined up for the picking.

Making a face, Ren instead walked toward his usual table where all his friends would undoubtedly be already sitting and conversing good naturedly, something he doubted would be possible considering the current situation. His stomach did weird flips and tightened in nervousness.

At least some part of him was capable of conscious guilt.

Preparing himself for impending doom, he approached the table and greeted them like he usually did. Surprisingly, they had saved his seat. His group looked up, and momentarily seemed at a loss for words until they simultaneously smiled and greeted him cheerfully.

Why were they so okay with him? Not that he wanted them to hate him, but they were abnormally normal about the situation. Why?

As the conversations at the table resumed with the occasional yell from Syo for Natsuki to stop clinging to him, Ren raked his eyes through the table as he seemed for some explanation. He noticed two empty chairs, one on the left of Tokiya and the other on the right. Everyone was present except. . . Otoya and Haruka.

His first reaction was realization. One of the the two must've said something to his members that had them acting so normally toward him. Not that he was ungrateful for that; it was less tension to handle and resolve. Second, it was questioning and curiosity. Where were they? Then the suspicion began to bubble up. How were they coincidentally missing together?

Some minuscule part of him told him that he had no right to be jealous anymore, especially not after how they broke up. But the other parts of him quickly overrode that logic.

Leaning over, Ren whispered to Masato, "Where'd Otoya and Haruka run off to?" His childhood friend and fellow member looked at him and studied his face, no doubt calculating why he was asking in the first place. Relieved that there were no traces of resentment in his eyes, Ren waited patiently for an answer.

Seconds later, Masato replied, "Nanami went to get breakfast. Otoya went with her." Ren's eyebrow lifted at this, but he said nothing more and his friend went back to reading (something only Masato would be doing at breakfast eight in the morning).

Leaning back, Ren felt better, less pressured now that he saw that people weren't bombarding him, demanding an excuse for his behavior, knowing that anything he'd say would be shot down with contempt. Still immensely guilty yes, and regret was most definitely still flooding within him, but nosy witnesses were no longer a problem so that was one less of an issue.

Swiping half of a sandwich off Masato's tray, an action that was met with a disapproving, but unsurprised look nonetheless, Ren was beginning to relax, the sandwich halfway to his mouth, until the screech of a chair being moved had his eyes darting to the place at the table where Ren knew the sound came from. As he thought, Otoya had pulled the empty chair back, gesturing for Haruka, whose hands were both holding her tray, to sit.

The composer laughed at the courteous behavior the redhead was exuding; it was comical how much of a butler he resembled.

Taking a seat, she laughed once again as her chair was pushed in. Looking behind her, Haruka's eyes met with Otoya's and she gave a blinding smile, shining in amusement. Otoya flushed, his face rivaling that of his hair. Quickly, he shuffled back to his own seat on the other side of Tokiya while Haruka began to eat.

Ren felt a pang in his chest. How many times had she smiled like that for him? And how many times had he taken it for granted? It was a breathtaking smile, really.

He internally berated himself. How pathetic am I to be so spiteful at their bliss?

As he looked away from the two and forced the image of them as a couple out of his mind, his gaze found them expressions of the others sitting at the table, all of whom were watching the scene unfold.

Natsuki was grinning somewhat idiotically, Cecil was probably gaining a new respect for Otoya, and Masato, Tokiya and Syo looked unbelievingly at the two, embarrassed at how oblivious Haruka was.

And everyone must've been sympathetic towards Otoya. Poor man.

***

Other than that, breakfast went by pretty smoothly (although Ren did continuously catch the peeks at Haruka that Otoya kept trying to get away with). After that there was just more training; Starish technically didn't graduate from Saotome Academy, but due to their successful debut, they were practicing during the school days instead of having classes.

And there has not been a time when Ren was more grateful for the excused absence from the required classes other than that moment. He really was dreading the confirmation that his arrogant mistake had cost him everything he'd built; friendships, relationships, respect, reputation.

But there was a sliver of hope that came as the benefit of the doubt. As suave and nonchalant as he likes to act, Ren really was hoping against the mass destruction of his life as an idol and person. Strip away the people he loved from him and all there was left was the hollows of a rich pretty-boy. Even he knew that.

And Ren was put to the test precisely to demonstrate how limited one such as himself is in terms of how much they really loved someone. Exactly what is the definition of happiness for them and for the one subjected to that test?

Of course, in addition to testing his limits, nerves were also on the verge of snapping. There were many moments where Ren would wonder if it was worth it, laying low and keeping himself restrained.

But alas, if he was to snatch Haruka away from Otoya and smother her in the love that he'd never given during their actual relationship, there'd be some catastrophic outbreaks.

Although the sight of Otoya and Haruka jovially bathing in the other's presence and company irrationally angered him, he would not do anything that would jeopardize the neutrality that Haruka and everyone else was showing. He's damn lucky that karma hasn't caught onto him yet.

Although Ren was aware that Otoya knew how fragile Haruka was - no thanks to him - yet why was that horrible, gnawing gut feeling that Otoya still wanted her so bothersome? It was like an itch he couldn't scratch, a tick he couldn't get rid of.

The frustration, the guilt, the regret. All too repetitive; like a broken record, replaying every time Otoya threw his arm around her goodheartedly, every time she threw her head back with peals of laughter that rang like tinkling chimes, every time they seemed lost in each other, too absorbed to pay any attention to anything else but the other.

That should've been me, he found himself thinking on more than one occasion.

He'd consoled his concerns with Masato, knowing his coolheaded frenemy would sensibly give him an answer to his pleas, although neither would admit that they considered each other friends. Of course, Ren tried not to seem too worried or worked up; it wouldn't match his image, but his nonchalant ways didn't fool Masato for a second.

He'd simply told Ren a single statement; that the two were just close friends, and both happened to enjoy skinship.

But to Ren, that translated to Otoya wanted to bed Haruka, which Masato did not appreciate hearing. He'd been immediately dismissed from his own dorm room.

While walking through the school gardens on the assumption that he was pondering the lyrics for Haruka's new song, when in reality he'd already written all the words as soon as he'd gotten the demo, Ren had unknowingly slipped into memory lane. He was reminiscing all the times where he'd been a douche and brushed away Haruka's affection.

Not great for his self-esteem, but his pride could afford some bashing.

She was sweet, pure, naively so. She wasn't quite as innocent as anyone assumed she was, but the purity she'd had when she entered the academy had been retained throughout these years. Haruka was also surprisingly flirtatious, although she never really knew how hot she was.

Training sessions were a pain for the idols, especially when dancing when Haruka was constantly licking and biting her lips while snacking on her favorite Pocky, or when she would be on the piano seat and her school skirt would ride up.

Ever the possessive one, Ren had ensured she was never in the spotlight for too long.

In retrospect, perhaps his hypocrisy had pissed off the others when he'd allow himself to flirt with other girls but would will Haruka to be a nun. Even now, Starish, along with the rest of the student population must be spectating the situation.

Taking in a deep breath of fresh air, he felt his lungs expand, and the constriction he was suffering from dissipated. A shuddering exhale, and the coil that had wound itself in his chest and tightened his throat relaxed.

Ren had walked to the heart of the garden by now, the majestic stone statue of Venus, the goddess of love, situated in the center of a water fountain on a pedestal.

He scoffed, if Saotome had really blessed this academy and the students within with the "divine magic of love" like he always liked to proclaim, why was he having such sucky luck? A second chance would be nice. A chance to redeem himself.

But no matter how hard he internally grasped at the remainders of his relationship with Haruka, a part of him knew that Haruka had already resigned, and wanted nothing to do with him romantically. It stung more considering it was only a day after their split, and she had so quickly abandoned him, though he couldn't blame her.

A part of him also knew that he didn't deserve her love anymore. She was loving for both of them, and that wasn't fair.

Besides, he thought reluctantly, Otoya deserves her. And she deserves him.

He knew that Otoya would do her justice and love her properly, even though neither seemed to realize the other's feelings yet.

With yet another sigh, Ren shoved his hands deep into his pockets, and began his stroll back to the dorms.

The aching in his chest had dulled to a throb, and he could only hope that his quick surrender would help Haruka on her path of happiness. Happiness that he could not attain for her.

But the thought of not having her in his arms ever again . . . tears prickled his eyes, and welled up. He allowed a single tear to drop before wiping them away with his sleeve.

His heart hurt and burned, but anything for his Little Lamb.