How oblivious is he? I mean, I know he's oblivious and, in some cases, utterly and completely stupid, but come on. I don't know how a person can read my message where I clearly say 'I understand how hard it is for them' and not see that I clearly literally physically understand. Gosh. I love the man but he's such hard work sometimes. He's a dear friend, I mean.
     After replying to him about his brother, Matthew, I continued to ask him questions about him, just to make conversation and get to know Alfred a little bit more. Everyday, I start to learn more and more about him and it makes me excited to continue learning, I think. I think about him all the time and wonder what he's doing... wait.

     There's only been one person I've felt like this with before in my entire life. Literally, my whole life, I've only had this once. One time.
     A year ago, I... it's so hard for me to even say it... I felt like this with a boy. I won't say his name for my own sake. He went to my school and he was quite a preppy boy, I'd say. He had a lot of friends and would never even look at me because of that, but I always thought he liked me even a little bit because in PE lessons, when nobody else would talk to me, he'd sometimes smile at me or say "hey" or acknowledge me in some way. I felt like he might have felt sorry for me... I really did like him. I thought about him all the time and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have him in my life, it felt as though I was on cloud nine whenever he was even in my head. He was tall and sexy, but he had the cutest little laugh... he was perfect. I gushed over him and dreamt about him so often, it's very embarrassing to talk about.
     But I was so wrong. I could not have been more wrong. One night, I added him on Facebook and that was such a huge step for me. I felt unstoppable. The next day, I planned to talk to him to gain a friendship with him. He was one of the only people who really ever looked at me, so it was more possible with him that most other people, I felt so lucky. When I spoke to him, he kind of acknowledged me back, but. In the past, he would always simply say "hey" or smile at me. I thought he was trying to start a conversation. I was wrong. That's all he'd ever want to say to me. He did feel bad for me, but he didn't care about getting to know me.
     I tried to speak to him probably five or six times throughout the school day, and in the end, I made the mistake of trying to speak to him while his friends were there. They all made fun of me, ridiculed me. None of that mattered to me, however, all I cared about was his thoughts... I don't know what got a hold of him in that moment; peer pressure or reality. But he looked me dead in the eyes and laughed, so loudly. His friends laughed with him. He insulted me, called me names I'd rather not say. He told me I was so desperate since the moment I 'stalked his Facebook'.
     I broke down. Not only did a potential friend laugh in my face... I loved him. I was so in love with this boy, it hurt me so much. He was so perfect, I could never see a fault in him. Even after he did this to me, I still could not fault him, I was the fault here. I was the problem. He was still perfect. It hurt me so much and I cried every day for weeks... I was made fun of even more at school, but most people assumed it was something personal, so they left me alone... but those were some of the worst few months of my life.

Anyway, the point of this story was that... the feelings I have for Alfred are so familiar to what I felt with him. But I can't. I can't fall for someone like this again. Alfred has so much in common with this boy... tall and sexy, cute laugh... he's so far out of my league, the only thing he has better for me is that he actually does talk to me. He lives 4000 miles away from me... and he's not even gay! God... why do I fall for the worst possible people? I'm not in love... I'm not. This is just a crush. It will go away. I know it will.