I woke up and the pain was gone. I would have slept for much longer if I hadn’t heard an annoying beeping and clicking sound.

But I was confused. I opened my tired, heavy eyes only to see the band sitting at the edge of the uncomfortable bed I was lying in.

“Hey.” David whispered in a soothing voice. “How are you?”

I ignored the question and looked around me confusedly. I thought I was dreaming so I pinched my arm without anyone noticing.

David gave the others a look and they all exited the room. But why?

“What’s going on?” I asked, like anyone else would in that sort of situation.

He looked uncomfortable. He fidgeted in his seat and looked down at the blankets on the bed. “You were really sick last night-”

“Is the baby okay?” I interrupted.

His face turned white as he looked at me with his blue eyes, saying absolutely nothing.

“Answer me. Is our baby fine?” I demanded.

He still said nothing as he locked his fingers with mine.

“David!” I yelled. Tears flooded in my eyes as the silence gave me a terrifying answer. All I needed was clarification.

He took a deep breath in and then exhaled. “You had a miscarriage, Em.”

My heart broke into a million pieces.

I couldn’t find words to describe how I was feeling, so instead I cried. I pulled my hand away from David’s.

“It’s not your fault, Emma. The doctor said that it could happen to anyone.”

I shook my head. “But it had to happen to me.”

I got out of the bed and started to unhook myself from the machines.

“Emma, what are you doing?” He asked tiredly.

“I’m going home.”

“You can’t, the doctors still need to run tests.”

“I don’t care.” I mumbled.

David tried to get me to lye back in the bed but instead I found myself crying and screaming at him. The nurse came in and gave me a pill to help me fall asleep.

In all honesty, I didn’t want to wake up.

—

I was awake but I kept my eyes shut. I turned over on my side and curled up, bringing my knees up to my chest.

I felt completely broken- shattered beyond repair. It was an unexpected shot right through my happiness. What the fuck was happiness anyway?

Because all I’ve known for the past year was sadness and anger. Happiness isn’t losing your best friend, happiness isn’t fighting with your father, and the one thing that I thought was my escape out of depression… I lost it.

I heard the door open.

“Emma?” David asked quietly. “I brought you some food.”

I held my knees to my chest even tighter. “I’m not hungry.”

“You gotta try to eat something.” He said, already sounding defeated.

I stayed silent and I heard him pull up a chair beside the bed. My back was facing him.

“You know, it was my baby too.”

“I lost our baby.” I said, trying to make myself understand it. But I couldn’t.

“We can try again, right?” He asked.

“What’s the point?” I turned around to face him. “I’m not fucking meant to be happy, David. I see that now. I don’t know what I did to deserve all this.”

“You didn’t do anything-”

“Then explain to me why I’m in this hospital bed! Explain to me why I was leaning over my best friends casket and putting flowers by her grave! Explain to me why I had to tell my father that I don’t want him in my life! I must have fucked up somewhere along the line to be where I’m at now.”

I sat up on the bed cross-legged and wiped my eyes. I then rested my hands on my cheeks and looked down at the bed. “I need to get the fuck out of here.”

“The doctor said you can leave tomorrow.”

“No, David. I mean, I need to get the fuck out of London for a while. Let’s take a trip, I need to get away.”

He grabbed my hand and brushed his thumb across it. “Alright.”

The rest of the band walked in but neither David nor I said anything. They asked the typical “how are you” bullshit and of course I answered with the typical “not good.”

I did have to give them some credit though. They did try to lighten up the mood a bit but after a while I think they realized that I was beyond the “cheery” mood and that nothing was going to make me smile.

After a couple hours of small, awkward conversations, they decided to head home.

I gently grabbed onto David’s hand, and with the most sincerity I could manage, I looked into his eyes and spoke.

“I can’t do this alone. Please David, don’t leave me alone.”

I wasn’t pleading, I wasn’t begging, I wasn’t even demanding.

But he understood.

“I won’t.”