"First things first -" Tris says but Will cuts her off with his fabulous Iggy Azalea voice.

"I'm a realist."

Tris glares at Will. "Whatever, Iggy. First up is Zeke... you have to kiss Peter."

The other day we all went on an Easter egg hunt and thing got, well, interesting. An insane bet. Completely and utterly insane. I have to have sex with a teddy bear in Victoria's Secret....... what is my life. What have I done with my life and these pansycakes? Ugh.

Zeke grimaces. I laugh. Poor wittle Zeke, he has to kiss Peter. Pssh, loser. I look around me and see the normal crowd of idiots at school. No butter knife boy to be seen. "Do I have to?" Zeke whines.

"Yes," I reply. "And if you don't I won't be afraid to jam this butter knife in your eye."

Marlene squeals. "Look! There he is!"

"This should've bee, like, last place punishment. Who wants to kiss Peter?" Zeke complains. Ugh Zeke, stop being such a baby. Just go and swap spit with Peter ;) ;) ;)

I love winky faces, they always make things more interesting............... gaaah I have issues.

Lynn raises her in answer to Zeke's question. And everyone, the award for the worst couple of the year goes to....... Lynn and Peter! It's almost as bad as that one time Four was dating that creepy guidance consoler who's at least six years older than him.

I place my hand on Zeke's back and shove him towards Peter, who's walking around like he owns this town. Little pansycake. "Time for the most humiliating moment of your life, brother."

Zeke glares at me, but walks towards Peter slowly. I smirk and elbow Marlene in the side, "Get your camera ready." #Blackmail, am I right?

"Heeeey Peter," Zeke says awkwardly and starts rolling on the balls of his feet. I stifle a laugh. He's gotten two words out and I already know that this is going to be the funniest thing to hit this town since the birth of me. Yeah, I was frickin hysterical when I popped out of the womb. I made my first dumb blonde joke then.... memories....

"What do you want?" Peter asks and crosses his arms over his chest. Lynn chuckles from behind me. "Now, Lynn - don't get too jealous that Zeke is gonna kiss your boyfriend," Will warns.

Zeke stutters, then quickly pecks his lips. I burst out laughing. Oh my dauntless cake amity bread whatever the heck they eat in abnegation this is GOLD. Damn this is worth more than gold.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Peter screams. By now everyone in the hall is staring. This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen.

"I LOST A BET. DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP," Zeke says and walks away. Peter rolls his eyes and then touches his lips. He looks like he's about to gag. I would puke if Zeke kissed me too, trust me, Butter Knife boy, we all would.

Tris laughs as Zeke comes back looking red from embarrassment. "That's the most disgusting thing I have EVER done."

"That's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. And I've seen a giraffe and butterfly have sex," I say. All heads turn towards me. Four raises an eyebrow. "What? It was a strange second grade field trip, okay?"

Tris takes a deep breath and rolls her eyes. "Okay, Zeke. You're done. Next up - Marlene."

Marlene nods. "'Kay. What do I have to do again?"

"Give fifty different kids condoms," Tris says and grins evilly. I glare at her. She thinks she's SOOOO great just because she won a stupid easter egg hunt. It's an EASTER EGG HUNT, kk? It's not a big deal...

Marlene groans. "This is gonna be awkward."

"At least you don't have to kiss Peter," Zeke mumbled and stomped his foot like a little kid. Aww poor little Zekey.

"Well," I say. "Let's go buy some condoms."

***

We go to the store and, well, let's just say things get awkward. I guess it's because I was there. People always seem uncomfortable in the presence of someone so amazingly beautiful.

Marlene grabs a few boxes of condoms and throws them into the cart. Shauna comes around the corner and throws a box of tampons into the cart. Four gives her a weird look. "What?" Shauna snaps. "Did you think I was a man or something?"

Four mumbles something under his breath and Shauna gives him the ultimate death glare. Rule number one to being friends with Shauna: never and I mean NEVER insult her. Or throw a pie at her face. She hates that too.

As we walk up to the cash register, the elderly woman in front of us give Marlene a weird look. Marlene winks and says, "I'm gonna have a good night."

After the old lady gives Marlene a three-minute lecture on sex before marriage (the rest of us just standing there awkwardly) we finally arrive at the cash register. The cashier also gives us a strange look. I know what's going through his mind: Kids these days... But he's so wrong. Uriah Pedrad is completely normal. Uriah Pedrad is very smart. But the fact that Uriah Pedrad is talking about himself and third-person proves that the cashier may be right.

"What?" I say. "You've never seen some kids getting ready to have a nine-some?"

He just rolls his eyes and rings up our stuff. After we pay, Christina decides it's a good idea to go to an elementary school across the street. Oh yeah. This is getting good.

As we get out of the car and pull into the school (before you asked how nine people fit inside one car, it was Will's mom's big minivan, alright? It worked PERFECTLY... even if Lynn had to sit in the trunk...) I chuckle. Today is most likely go to be the best day of my life. Just cue the American Authors song already 'cause this is gonna be so amazing! You know, besides the fact that I have to dry hump a teddy bear in Victoria's Secret...

Who came up with this stuff? Seriously?

Marlene walks up to a little girl and squats down to her height. "Hi sweetie!" she says and extends a hand out holding a condom. "This is a free balloon! Just blow it up!"

Zeke lets out a loud-laugh-snort-cough-belch-whale song thing-y. Shauna starts laughing as well as the little girl just stares at Marlene. She shoves the condom a little closer before the girl screamed, "STRANGER DANGER!" and slapped Marlene right across the face. This time I was the one who did a laugh-snort-cough-belch-whale song. The little girl runs off screaming, "MOMMY! MOMMY! SHE WAS HANDING ME A BALLOON THAT WAS ACTUALLY A BOMb! SHE SAID IT WOULD BLOW UUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPP!!!"

Everyone in the group is now dying of laughter. About five billion 😂 emojiis could describe how we feel right now. Marlene turns towards us and shrugs. Then she yells to us, "I guess condoms are now bombs, huh?"

An hour or so passes by and Marlene has given away all the condoms. But all the moms got REALLY mad. And when say REALLY I mean REALLY. Long story short, Marlene looks like she's been attacked by a wild goose.

"Well, my bet is done! Next up - my boyfriend," Marlene says and grins.

I sigh and bite my tongue. This sucks. Really sucks. "Okay," I say nervously. My manliness is about to be stolen from me. "Where's the closest Victoria's Secret?"

***

"Okay, Uriah," Christina says and hands me a large teddy bear. "Just dry hump this in the middle of the store. Simple."

I nod nervously and take the teddy bear from her. I can't believe I'm about to do this. "Isn't this illegal? You know - like -"

"It's a stuffed bear," Tris says and punches my shoulder. "Not a real one. You won't get arrested, okay?"

I glare at her, then walk away muttering, "I hate all of you." Which is very very true. Very. Very. True.

I walk around the store and find a good spot, trying my best to ignore the odd looks being cast in my direction. Yep! It's just a normal guy walking around Victoria's Secret. And you can't forget the fact that he had a teddy bear. A giant ass one.

I set the teddy bear on the floor. Marlene looks at me and laughs. I mouth, 'Shut up.' I hate my life. The fact that humping teddy bears is literally a part of my life also makes me worried.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and look at a text from Tris: Strip. Be in nothing but your boxers. I bet Marlene will love that ;)

WHAT?! I did not sign up for this! I will wear my pants and my shirt, Tris. There's nothing you can do to stop me.

There is no way in hell that I am wearing just my boxers. I've been in nothing but boxers in a girl's store once. And believe me it was awful.

I look down at the teddy bear and take a deep breath. It's now or never, Uri. Now or never.

I get down on the floor and put my self in an awkward position on the bear. Great, I think. My lack of sexual experience is now making me look even MORE ridiculous.

I start to push myself on the bear and make uncomfortable moaning noises. A cashier looks over at me and raises her eyebrows. I hear hysterical laughter and turn to see Zeke and Christina doubling over. I mouth, 'Haha.' Zeke yells, "Go deeper!"

I hate that kid so much.

A lady from the store comes up to me. Oh great. "Um, excuse me sir, what exactly are you doing?"

"Um.... having sexy time with a bear....?" I say, although it comes off as more of a question.

She glares at me. "Get up and leave."

"Real straightforward, aren't ya?" I respond and pick up my teddy bear. Thank the Lord for this rude lady.

***

"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" Four chants at Will. Will glares at Four and sticks up his middle finger. For Will's punishment, he had to chug a bottle of hot sauce once an hour for a day. But, he had just started this so we made him drink all twenty four at once. He's on his tenth.

Will taps the bottle of the bottle and the rest of the hot sauce comes pouring out. "Yeah!" Christina screams and laughs at his red face. Ah. I love seeing smart boy suffer.

"I hate you all," Will mutters and goes onto his eleventh bottle. WILL OMG YOU JUST DESCRIBED EVERY EMOTION I'VE EVER FELT. I HATE EVERYBODY YAY

***

"Okay. I officially look retarded," Shauna says as Tris spins her around in her bumble bee outift. Yepers, Shauna has t0 go trick or treating in a bumblebee costume at 1:00 a.m. It's one now and I still can't believe I'm awake - but I had a tough decision to make: sleep or seeing Shauna humiliate herself. You know which one I choose.

"That's the point, sweetheart." Zeke says and shakes his head. Shauna glares at him. Damn! This days been full of glaring.

"Now, go along at ask for candy," I say and shove her toward her neighbor's house. She takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. She stands there for a while, waiting, with her pumpkin Halloween basket. And when the door finally opens she screams, "TRICK OR TREAT!"

Marlene lets out a laugh and puts her head on my shoulder. The guy stares at Shauna, then mutters something in German (I think German. Maybe French. Or Hungarian...), flips her off, then slams the door in her face.

I love seeing my friends humiliate themselves.

Over the next few days, Christina and Four humiliate themselves. Christina had to make out with a Barbie and wear a unicorn horn.

Four had to walk around school for a week in nothing but Spiderman underwear. Just... let your imagination take care of that one.

----

Hey guys!

Sorry I haven't updated in so long. I wrote this like twice and lost it both times... yeah...

But, anyway, thank you for 7K reads! And wow, this chapter was long. Hope you guys liked it!

- Hollie