This is just me needing a chance to vent. Also, this is more of a humor chapter than a horror one. Ok so onward!
*WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE AND POSSIBLE GANGSTER SIDE COMING OUT**
Hope you get a laugh or two outta this!

     1. Don't. Be. Stupid!
     Seriously, like why you so stupid?! Who in the hell taught you anything? Whoever it was is a disgrace and fired from breathing and from life! And they deserve nothing more than to be hung in the public square. Signed, Me.     
     Ok I'm only kidding but are you serious? Are you flippin' serious? Like you just- well we'll get there.
     Side note: did you seriously just try to crawl through a damn doggy dog? Y'know what? Just...die. Just die for the sake of all humanity!

     2. Don't have sex.
     So you're in a horror movie but what's the first thing that comes to your mind? Cue the music!

     Bang bang bangity bang! I said a bang bang bangity bang!
     Guys, what are you thinking? Don't you know that sex=death. Same in real life if her dad catches you. 😋😉😉😋
     Cuz let's be honest this is no Hurricane.

     3. Don't split up.
     If you're in a big group, someone's bound to some up with the ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT idea (note my sarcasm) to split up.
    And everytime, I just have to say:
    Split up?! What you talking bout split up?! We don't even go to the bathroom on our own! (And you know the reason.) And you talking bout splitting up! Bitch, I outta cut you just for suggesting that cuz there's only two reasons that you wanna split up!
     #1: You in cohoots with the killer and be thinking that, hmm I don't wanna die so I'mma sacrifice all these other bitches. Oh hell to the no! My ass sure as hell ain't getting sacrificed! You may as well get a new dream cuz that one ain't coming true baotch!
     #2: Yous is just plain dumb! Well I ain't going down with you so when you be all like, "Let's split up." I be like, "ok I'll take the entire gang and you go by yoself the other way. Bye, bye, you mo-ron!

     4. Don't you dare answer the phone!
     I swear to the almighty Jesus Christ in Heaven above, if you answer that phone, you are screwed (and not in the fun way either I say a bang bang bangity bang!) and there's nothing more I can do for you.
     You answered it? Urgh...fuck!! What did I say? What the hell did I just say?! Grrr...ok. We still have time to rectify the situation. Listen carefully.
     Hang up that phone and run out the door right now!
     Why? There's no time to explain. Ok fine. Because the killer's in the house. How do I know? Because I'm smarter than you could ever hope to be you stupid blonde bimbo! (AN: I really have nothing against blondes. Also, my gangster side is slipping out.)
     But there's kids in the house! I'm sorry to say this but forget the damn kids! They already been sliced and diced and you're next!
     What are you doing running upstairs? Fine. Whatever. I give up.
 
     5. Don't investigate.
     So a killer's on the loose and suddenly everybody wants to investigate! Like what the hell, bro?!
    What? You think you're all of a sudden Mystery Inc? Last time I checked we ain't got no talking dog!
     Like, I hear a scary noise coming from the basement. Let's go investigate! Great, you do that. Meanwhile, I'mma go for a walk down the street with my attack dogs and every weapon I can carry.
      Bye, bitches!!

     6. Don't scream and don't be afraid.
     Remember, they feed off fear so whatever you do-
     *Idiot starts screaming*
     Welp, I'm outta here! Have a nice trip! See ya next fall!
     *Runs away, grabs an axe, chops down the door, screaming, and keeps on running*

     7. Never say things like, "Who's there?" "It's over." Or "I'll be right back."
     No! No no no no no! Bad person!!
     *Hits with a newspaper*
     Are you stupid? Do you not know that those words bring bad luck??
     Don't ever say, "I'll be right back," cuz you won't be back!
     Stu: Well I'll be right back! *Walks backward*
     Well of course you will! You're the damn killer!
     *Towards the end of the movie*
     It's over!
     Aw no! You did not! You did not!
     *Starts rambling incoherently*
     Nothing's over when it's still night time!!
     *Someone knocks on the door*
     Who's there?
     *I'm facepalming in the background*
     Hmm.....I don't know....yo mama. She's mad so ain't answering you. Who you think, baotch?!
     Or better yet....
     Victim: Who's there?
     Killer: Yea I'm in the kitchen! Wanna sandwich?
     Me: Oh sure.
     *Laughs as you get cut up by a chainsaw*

     8. Logic? *Scoff* What logic?
     Much like the Purge, never question how illogical anything is. It is what it is. (And somehow the Purge just works. Mmm hmm sure...)
     Weird phone call? Already in the house. How? Don't question it.
     Trying to get away from the killer? Car never works. But it was working a second ago! Oh well don't question it.
     Go to the neighbors? Not home. But she's always home and never works. Don't question it.
     Chased by a killer? The walk but when you turn around, are in front of you. How? I said don't question it! *Slaps a bitch*
     Police? They always die before reaching you. Why? What part of don't question anything I say do you not grasp the concept of?!
 
     9. Trust. No one.
     Yea, you heard me. No matter how long you've known someone, do not trust! You are the only one you can trust.
     But what about you, Narrator? You've been telling me how to survive.
     How do you know I'm not lying? For all you know, I am the killer. Which brings us to number 10...

     And....

     10. YOU'RE DEAD!!
     Sorry. But I can't let you live cuz now you know too much. Oh well! It was fun while it lasted. Now, on to the next victim!