Early October. 2016

Sadie, Lottie and I sat in the stands at Rogers Arena. Lottie was wearing a mini red jersey with Maverick written across the back.

Phoenix gave it her to her just before the injury apparently. It was a gift for the upcoming season. She looked so cute. Her pin straight black hair was up in pig tails, as usual and fluffy pink ear muffs complimented the look.

"I don't think I'm going to go on the road with Phoenix this season," I said to Sadie, leaning over Lottie's head so she could hear me.

"Oh," she said, moving a highlighted strand of hair out of her face. It was down and long, past her shoulder blades. "How come? Are you not feeling it? Or connecting with him?"

"No, I am," I said. "I really like him actually. I think I'll even miss him when he leaves. But I kind of want to establish some new roots before I take off to trip around. You know? I was looking at jobs online this morning and I saw a position for an interior designer at an architects company called Lin Architects, so I applied."

There was a flinch in her expression, a micro second of shock and then it was gone. "You did?"

"I know, it's ridiculous. I'm not qualified at all but I thought I'd give it a go and get some feedback, maybe find out what I'd need if that was the path I wanted to take. I wouldn't be opposed to going back to college."

Sadie nodded. "Yeah. You don't have to though. There are plenty of people who are qualified for jobs regardless of a degree."

"I'll see how the interview goes. If I even get one. I might not."

Lottie sipped from the straw in her soda, watching the rink as players started onto the ice. It got louder, cheering erupted from the stands and I saw Phoenix, chewing on his mouth guard as he skated in circles.

My heart picked up when he started searching the stands and found me sitting behind the Flames box. He smiled, he didn't wave but it still sent me into overdrive. His dark brown hair licked out from under his helmet and his posture was confident as he circled Leighton and stole the warm up puck.

"Have you told him you're not going on the road?" Sadie asked me, shouting over the thundering applause and fans banging on glass.

"I'll talk to him about it tonight."

"I need to poo," Lottie said, matter of fact.

Sadie's eyes rolled to the back of her head. "Right now?"

Lottie nodded.

"Right before the game is going to start?"

Lottie nodded again.

"Should've left you in a diaper," Sadie mumbled, standing up and offering her hand to Lottie. "Come on then."

The two of them left and I sat alone watching the warm up. Once in a while, Phoenix would look over at me, he kept it brief and fleeting but when his eyes met mine, I felt the connection, the meaning and the way he wished we were somewhere else.

He skated over to the box and took his gloves off, slipping them under his arm as he sought his cellphone from the seats and started tapping on it. A text came through on mine a moment later and I saw the grin on his lips, even though he didn't look at me.

You look beautiful. I fucking love it when you wear that jersey.

My pulse sped up and my cheeks felt warm.

You look pretty good in yours too.

The PA started announcing the beginning of the match, players were getting themselves into position, helmets on, mouth guards in. One more text came through from Phoenix before he dropped his phone back into the seat and winked at me.

"Did he just wink at you?" A girl on the third seat over was staring at me, her curiosity sharp and perhaps even jealous. "Are you texting Phoenix Maverick?"

Her tone and her intrusion rubbed me the wrong way. "So what if I am?" 

She pursed her lips, scoffing with laughter. "Good luck with that. NHL dudes are whores."

"Don't be jealous," Sadie said, shuffling back into her seat between us. Lottie handed me a pink lollipop, one was already hanging out of her mouth.

As much as I wanted to defend Phoenix, there was no point getting into it with a total stranger. Her opinion wasn't worth my breath.

I let it go and checked the message from Phoenix as I unwrapped and popped the lollipop into my mouth.

Thanks for being my good luck charm baby. I'll see you after the game

          During the second period, the Flames were leading three to two. Phoenix had just snapped to Leighton after stealing the puck from opposition a moment ago. As he skated up the rink, keeping himself open for a clear pass, the Canuck he'd stolen the puck from, came flying towards him, checking him into the wall. 

Jones was his name. He and Phoenix had been bickering the entire game. Not that I knew what was being said, but it was obvious from their body language and the expressions.

It was when Jones gestured his head at me and said something that made me curious about what was going on.

Phoenix didn't miss a beat, he flung his hands down, his gloves flew off and he grabbed the front of Jones shirt before punching him in the jaw. The arena broke out into cheers and chants and most of us were out of our seats watching the violence unfold.

This had always been one of my favourite parts of the sport. Which used to concern dad but I turned out just fine. I think.

Jones swung back, he was fast but Phoenix managed to avoid getting hit too hard as he threw punch after punch until Jones' helmet flew off and hit the ice. The speed was insane, I couldn't even keep up with how fast Phoenix was moving and, I kind of liked it.

Eventually, the two lost balance and toppled. The refs quickly stepped in and ripped them apart, ending the fight. Phoenix wore a smirk as he skated over to the box, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. I shouldn't have been so wound up but he was hot.

He stepped into the box and looked up at me, holding eye contact as he spat out his mouth guard.

"You two are so weird," Sadie shouted, breaking the trance I was in. "Also, you're not being subtle. The whole crowd can see you two staring at each other."

I looked around and sure enough, the fans close to us were watching. Perhaps we'd been more conspicuous in the past. I sat back down and decided I didn't care if people wanted to speculate. Rumours were just rumours and in the short time I'd known Phoenix, he made me feel like our relationship was the most important part of his life.

For the rest of the game, I screamed, cheered and lost myself to the adrenaline of the atmosphere. The Flames won. Even though I'd been a Canucks fan for the longest time, I couldn't deny that we lost to Flames more often than not. At least it wasn't a total clean up.

I arrived at Phoenix's after the game. I thought he might've been tired or wanted to spend time with his teammates but he sent me a message from the locker rooms and asked if I wanted to come over in an hour.

I almost knocked but then I remembered I lived here and it seemed weird to knock, but it was weird to walk straight in.

"Ugh," I muttered, hand hovering over the knob for longer than necessary before I decided to just walk inside.

It was quiet, music was humming softly and there were blankets all over the couch with Netflix showing previews on the flat screen. Footsteps padded from the hall, accompanied by the fresh scent of shower gel and cologne.

Phoenix appeared, hair damp and messy, no shirt on and a pair of sweat pants hanging low. He made them look so much better than I would've imagined sweat pants could look on a man.

"I didn't hear you come in," he said, sauntering toward me, his smile wide as if nothing meant more than to find me here waiting for him. "You been here long?"

"No," I unzipped my jacket, the fire was going, keeping the apartment much warmer than it was outside. "I just got here. It smells good in here."

Phoenix kissed me on the head and ran his hand down my arm, leading me over to the kitchen breakfast bar. "It's this candle," he said, pointing at the glass jar with a flickering flame burning inside.

"Blood orange," I read the label.

"You have like, a thousand of these things in the hall cupboard. When one's done, a new one comes out. Stocked up at all times."

"Really?"

Phoenix leaned on the countertop and pulled me between his legs, his hands secured at my lower back and I leaned into his bare chest.

"Do you like scented candles?"

"Apparently."

He gave me a tired smile. "Do you like scented candles?"

"I've never given it much thought. But I do like that smell. You know what else I like the smell of?"

His grin grew while he waited and a little dimple appeared in his cheek.

"You," I said. "You smell so good."

"Gift from you, babe."

"The cologne?"

He nodded.

"I have good taste," I said, leaning in closer to his defined chest. "Good game tonight by the way."

"I loved seeing you in the stands," he murmured, his hands moving to rest on my waist. "Cheering and excited. It took me back to the night I fell in love."

"You fell in love with me because I was a sweating cheering mess in the stands?"

He laughed and pressed a quick kiss on my forehead. "Yep. The moment I first laid eyes on you. In that stupid blue Canucks jersey."

"Are you sure I wasn't just a challenge?" I teased him.

"Nothing worth having doesn't come with a little challenge," he said, leaning in and kissing my nape, his hands went up the centre of my back and into my hair.

And then his mouth was on mine and his arms tightened, pulling me into his body fast and hard. Kissing him took me to a place that felt thrilling and simple all at once. I was on fire, heat and desire coursing through me.

Our lips parted and Phoenix kissed the tip of my nose, then my brow, then my cheek. He leaned back and grinned at me.

"You want a coconut hot chocolate?" He asked. "We can watch a movie too."

"Yeah," I said still a bit breathless from the way his tongue collided with mine.

"I have something I want to talk about," I said, hoisting myself onto the black leather stool at the breakfast bar. The air hissed out of it as the foam sunk under the weight of my ass.

He set two cups down and watched me as he poured the coconut milk into a pot. "You okay?"

"Yeah. It's about this season," I said, my heart stuttering a little at the thought of disappointing him. "I don't think I'm going to go on the road."

The kitchen fell quiet as Phoenix scooped chocolate powder into the pot of milk, his focus on the job instead of me now. It was ridiculous how small a spoon looked in his hand, that hand with veins that snaked up into his forearms. Even his bicep had one long vein protruding under his supple skin and it was distracting.

"Yeah," he finally said, meeting my gaze. Placing the pot on the element, he lazily rested his other hand on the bench top and gave a slight nod. "If that's what you've decided."

"It's not that I don't want to go," I said, feeling the need to defend my decision. "I just kind of want to do some self discovery and lay some new roots before I leave town for months at a time."

"I get that."

"Are you disappointed?"

He pulled a wooden spoon out of the container on the bench top and stirred the milk in the pot, I watched his bicep flex as his arm moved. "I'm disappointed because I'll miss you. Not because I think you're making the wrong choice. You got any ideas on how to lay these new roots?"

"I applied for an interior design position at a big architectural company."

He looked over, smiling.

"I don't even know if I'll get an interview," I said, resting my chin in my palm. "I'm not qualified."

"Did you have to send in a portfolio?"

"I did. Sadie gave me a bunch of photos she had stashed. She's into scrapbooking, so she had a lot of before and after content."

"This is a good thing, Kins," Phoenix said, his tone sincere. I'd been worried he wouldn't take the news well.

After all, we had plans to spend the season together and if it weren't for the amnesia, that wouldn't have changed. There was an under lying bout of guilt pushing me toward going with him, regardless of feeling so disconnected from myself. At least I felt close to him, right? Phoenix didn't deserve to miss out on that time with me just because I'd changed our dynamic.

"Don't second guess it," Phoenix said, pouring hot chocolate into the mugs, his eyes darted up and met mine briefly. "You've made a decision for yourself, it's a good one. I'll be back to visit whenever I can."

"I feel kind of bad now."

Phoenix set down the pot and palmed his jaw.

"I probably wouldn't feel bad, would I?" I pushed my hands into my hair, taking a deep breath as I tugged on the strands. As normal as I wanted to be, things were different and it was confusing.

"How about we take turns visiting?" Phoenix suggested, setting a cup in front of me. Steam swirled under my nose, the heat sweeping my skin. I'll come home whenever I can and perhaps you can come and stay with me once in a while."

"That's a good compromise," I said excitedly.

Phoenix circled the breakfast bar and stood behind me, sweeping hair off my neck before he leaned in and kissed the spot below my ear, his lips trailed down to my shoulder and I shuddered.

"I want to show you something this week," he said. "Can I take you out on Tuesday?"

My entire frame answered to his words on my nape, the pulse between my legs would end up audible at this rate. "Yes," I breathed. "Yeah I would love that."

The sound of Phoenix parting his lips next to my ear made me still in wait. I wondered if he wanted to respond. Wondered if he wanted to tell me he loves me. I imagined it was hard for him, to be in this in between. I wondered how he felt about the woman he was currently getting to know.

             We sat on the sofa, my legs tucked up as I curled into Phoenix's side and he wrapped his firm arm around me. There was no denying that I fit well. His fingers absentmindedly ran up and down my arm.

Tomorrow I was going to collect my things from the office I worked at just a few months ago. It would be Sunday, so there would be fewer people. Which might've seemed cowardly but the thought of facing an office full of people I used to know so well, it was daunting.

Before I could ask Phoenix if he would come with me, his phone rang in his pocket, the screen shining through the sweat pant material.

He dropped the remote, making a disgruntled noise as he pulled his phone out and looked at the screen.

"It's your dad," Phoenix said, mild amusement in his tone. "Does he know we're together right now?"

"I doubt it," I said, quickly checking my own phone. "He hasn't tried to call me."

He gave me a side on grin and gestured for me to be quiet with a finger to his lips before kissing me.

"Sir," he answered while I was still recovering from his strong, chaste kiss. He put the phone on speaker and dropped it in his lap

His phone weighed on his sweat pant material, creating a very defined outline of what was between his strong thighs and I had to tip my head back and stare at the ceiling while I composed myself.

"Phoenix," dad cheered. "How are you, son?"

"I'm well, sir. You?"

"Yeah, good, good," dad said, dismissively. He was far less inclined to talk about himself I'd noticed. "Listen, how's Quinoa? I talk to her now and then and she seems good. How is she adjusting?"

Phoenix put his arm behind his head and peered down at me, smiling. "She's great sir. Adjusting well."

"She seems different," dad said and my attention snapped to the phone. "Softer."

Softer? I wasn't sure what that even meant.

"Her mind thinks she's still twenty two, sir," Phoenix kept his focus on me, his fingers cupped my chin, his thumb brushing my bottom lip. "She's still finding that woman she became. She'll get there."

"Yeah," dad said.

I could barely hear him over steady thrum in my chest, the pounding that was both in shame for who I'd supposedly lost and for the desire that Phoenix made me feel when he watched me. I was a mess.

"Suppose all those events that made her hard, well, she doesn't remember why she became so pissed off at the world ."

Phoenix swallowed, his face full of regret.

"She's doing great, sir," Phoenix said, his playful tone gone as he dropped my chin and picked the phone up. "I better g—"

"You two working things out?"

"Yeah," Phoenix rubbed his brow. "Yeah we are. Look, I better go."

"Yeah me too. Good game tonight. Watched it on the television. Off to a good start this season."

"Yes sir," Phoenix wore a tired smile. "Thank you."

"Mhmm. You take care of my Quinoa for me. She loved you. She'll get there again."

"Yes sir," he said, looking at me, his eyes falling to my trembling lip.

"Goodnight, Phoenix."

Phoenix barely mumbled a farewell as he hit the end call button and dropped the phone, immediately pulling me into his arms. By the time my face hit his warm chest, tears were streaming down my cheeks.

"I shouldn't have done that," he said, his hands moving over me, furious and fast. "I shouldn't have taken that call in front of you. I had no idea he'd—"

"Am I that different?" I said, my words a sobbing slur. "How is this going to work if I'm nothing like the woman you fell in love with?"

"You are her," Phoenix said, his hands cupping my face to push me back and look at me. "You are. You went through some shit that made you a little less trusting, a bit more outspoken bu—"

"You liked that about me?" I asked, wiping at tears blurring my vision of the man in front of me.

"Yes but— I mean, most of the time— I just—" he closed his eyes and exhaled a deep breath. "This is why I wanted to start again. I didn't want you to worry about who you were and who you think I want. In all the ways that matter, you are the woman I fell in love with. Let that be enough, Kins."

I didn't know if it was enough though. Because no matter how hard I tried not to think about it, I knew that some other version of myself was the one who held his heart and competing for a man against a woman was never something I would do. But when that woman is my own damn self?

I was starting to wonder if all of it was worth the turmoil. Or if we would be better off cutting the ties and leaving the past in the past.