Late September. 2016

Phoenix told me to hang on when he turned off his truck and slid out of the drivers side. He ran around, opened the door for me and held my hand as I slid out and landed on the ground bedside him.

The gesture was sweet, something I hadn't experienced before, not in a relationship. Not a relationship I remembered.

It was incredible how much something as simple as opening the car door could mean in the moment.

Back in high school, if you were lucky enough to go on a date with a boy who drove a car, he was usually picking you up from the sidewalk at least ten houses down. Perhaps that was just me, but dad would never have let me leave the house in a car with a teenage boy behind the wheel.

In college, it became the 'you up?' era of late night dorm drop ins that sometimes turned into a relationship and sometimes did not. Again, perhaps that was just the ones I chose to date. It was nice to know my taste in men developed.

Opening the car door was bare minimum but it was definitely a green flag.

The parking lot gravel crunched beneath my feet. Phoenix had brought us to a scenic walk on the outside of town. Surrounded by tall, thick trees and the sound of leaves bristling in a light breeze, we stood beside the truck.

The stranger danger bells went off, involuntarily. It was hard wired into Sadie and I that we must never, under any circumstances, go on a bush walk for a first date.

That wasn't quite what this was, but I still felt the impact of Phoenix, being a total stranger, bringing me out to a forest. I shrugged that thought off, in this particular case, there was nothing to be worried about.

"Alright," he said, keeping hold of my hand. "One thing I will share about us, is that we weren't public."

"What do you mean?"

"Our relationship was private. We hadn't disclosed it to anyone but our close friends and family and that worked for us."

"How long have we been together?"

"About seven months. If you count the night we first met. Which, I do."

"Oh," I said, smiling at his admission. "I guess that's not a super long time. But, how come we didn't go public?"

For a brief moment, his expression grew distant, his brows pinching. He quickly smoothed his features and smiled. "You didn't want the attention it would bring and I understood that. It was always up to you."

The way his sentence fell off made it sound like there was more he wanted to add. His lips parted and he hesitated. Finally, after deciding what he'd tell me, he said, "I would've gone public, proudly. But it was nice not being followed or talked about in the media. It was just us and we liked that."

"Okay," I said, feeling like I could relate to that. I'd never really felt like someone who would want to live in the spotlight, not that I ever believed I would, but every girl toys with the idea of becoming rich and famous.

It just never appealed to me to have my every move scrutinized by the public. It looked exhausting.

"So," he said, slipping his free hand into his pocket. "We can keep doing that if you want to. We can do this however you feel most comfortable."

"I think, especially right now, I'd like to just keep to ourselves. It's hard enough not. . . remembering."

"Of course," he said. "I have to admit something too. This is weird for me in the way that I want to hold you and kiss you and do. . . other things with you. It feels weirdly unnatural to be so. . . distant."

"I'm sorry."

His whole body drew closer to me, as if he wanted to pull me into his chest and tuck me up tight. He didn't. Instead he hovered in front of me, his eyes desperately searching my face."I didn't say that to make you feel bad, I just wanted you to know that I'm trying really hard to navigate the boundaries and how to behave with you and I'm sorry if I don't get it right all the time."

"Oh, it's no big deal. I can't even imagine what it must be like in your position. You see me as someone you love and I see you as a . . . stranger. That has to be hard."

He flinched at the word stranger.

"You don't have to be so understanding," he said, his voice raw. "I wasn't the one who lost six years. It's nothing compared to what you went through."

"My experience doesn't make yours any less painful."

"You're here with me," he said, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "That's more than I could ask for."

"You didn't choose to lose our relationship. Neither of us have any idea what will happen, whether you'll still care about me once we know each other more. The way our relationship was and that person I was, are gone and we might never get that connection back."

"The connection never left," he whispered, just a breath away from me. "I can still feel it."

Truthfully, I could too. It'd be too hard to explain that feeling out loud though, it might give him a sense of hope and I didn't know if I should give that to him right now.

"I'm terrified of breaking your heart," I mumbled, leaning my face into his palm. My heart raced at the contact but it felt so comfortable. "You don't seem like you deserve that and I don't want to be responsible for hurting you."

"I promise you, I would never hold it against you."

He seemed too good to be true as I stared into his kind gaze. There was something there, a sense of comfort and adoration and at the same time, there was nothing there. He was a stranger and I had not one memory of us together before the game the other night.

We walked over to the gated entrance of the Whyte Lake nature walk and started down a gravel path. I'd been the one to suggest a walk, but Phoenix agreed to choose the location. A walk seemed simple. A good way to talk without the distraction of movies and restaurant noise.

From what Phoenix said, it sounded like we didn't do movies and restaurants anyway. It was all so strange, my brain was going a million miles an hour, in a thousand different directions.

Being present and in the moment while also trying to think about what we were like before, how close we were, what we did together, how that sort of love felt. Could we get back there? Would he want the me I am now, the one that keeps forgetting she's twenty eight and not a twenty two year old college student. Are those two versions of myself wildly different or do we have a lot in common?

It was loud and unforgiving upstairs right now.

Dense forest of enormous trees and shrubs surrounded our path, the smell of damp earth and moss did too. It was serene and quiet and very private. Though, it wasn't impossible that other people would be out here.

"My mom said hello," Phoenix said.

"Oh," I watched my feet in front of me. "Are we close?"

"You get along well when we see her."

"My dad said you're a really good guy," I told him, recalling our conversation this morning. "He was glad we're talking."

"I'm glad we're talking too."

I stole an admiring glance at his side profile and said, "What are things we talk about?"

He looked down at me and smiled. "Do you mind if I hold your hand?"

"You're not going to tell me, right?" I said, slipping my hand into his, our fingers laced and it gave me a frenzied stomach. His hand was so big and safe.

"It doesn't matter what we talked about before. What do you want to talk about now?"

"You," I said. "I want to know you."

"Fire some questions at me. But don't ask me what things were like before. It doesn't matter."

I couldn't stop thinking about it though, what we were like before. My mind fantasized about it with some persistence. "Fine," I relented that he wasn't going to let me ask him about our relationship. "College?"

"UA Edmonton on a scholarship."

"Parents?"

"Close with mom and dad. Not a momma's boy. No weird pressure from dad to be a sports star. They're just proud of me. Dad is a bit of a recluse so I don't see him a whole lot unless I go home for Christmas or my birthday. Mom though, she loves to travel. She's always popping in unannounced."

I liked that he's close with his mom.

From the time I started dating, I've had what Sadie likes to call, an interview policy. I ask the questions I want answers to right off the bat. She witnessed it once and asked if I always play twenty questions with my dates. But why would I want to waste time waiting for the important information? How a man is with his family, is important and it always has been.

I love the fact that Phoenix offered me the chance to rapid fire my questions at him and I didn't have to awkwardly initiate it.

I ran my hand over a low hanging branch, the damp leaves slipping through my fingers. "Siblings?"

"One sister, Ashley," he said. "You two are friends and she's close with Sadie."

I hadn't heard Sadie talk about Ashley. I suppose she didn't want to talk about her and let it lead to questions about how the two of them met.

"Do you cook?"

He kicked a stray branch out of our path. "I can."

"Favorite movie?"

"The mighty ducks," he met my stare, the one that said, 'that's cliche' and he laughed. "Come on, give me a break, I've watched it since I was a kid."

We both laughed and I liked the way our laughs complimented each other, a harmony of his deep rumble and my own low rasp. I've always had a throaty voice, as if I smoked a pack a day from the time I was two. Kids at school used to tease me, call me frog throat. Assholes.

I moved on from that thought and asked, the next question I could think of. "Coffee?"

"Do I drink it?" He asked, his thumb moving in circles on the top of my hand. "Yeah. Plain old americano. You?"

"You don't know if I drink coffee?"

"I want to know if you still drink the same coffee," he confirmed. "A persons taste in coffee can change a lot during and after college."

"I like mocha's," I said. "I had one of those iced americano's with oat milk in it. Sadie said it was my favorite. It was awful."

"Good to know."

"How long have you been with the Flames?"

"Five years. I signed straight out of college."

"You ever want a family?" It was out before I could think to stop it. But again, it's the sort of question I've always liked to ask from the beginning. I never understood the point in dating if our paths were never going to align. It seemed like a waste of time and a lot of heartache.

He looked down at me, his soft slow gaze raking over me. "Absolutely."

We crossed a little wooden bridge and then it dawned on me. Having a family might've been something we'd discussed. I might've been ready for that before. 

"What's wrong?" Phoenix asked when I fell quiet with panic.

"What if I wanted kids before? I mean, I don't know if I feel ready for that now. What if I never settle into the idea that I'm actually okay with starting a family?"

"Don't push yourself," Phoenix brought us to a stop, facing me with his full attention. "Stop, Kinsley. Stop trying to put the puzzle pieces together and be someone you think I want. Just, be who you are. We'll figure the rest out as we go."

"It's so fucking hard," I admit, my voice cracking with tears. "I don't want to hurt or disappoint you."

"You couldn't. I promise, Kins. You couldn't."

Nodding, I took a deep breath and tried to stop myself from sobbing. It seemed so ridiculous and humiliating but I was sure Phoenix had seen me cry before. I was constantly bursting into tears. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we kept walking the path.

                      "Do you want to come for dinner at my place?" Phoenix asked when we got back to the truck. It was getting colder now that the sun was going down. Red and orange hues dusted the horizon, casting a glowing halo around Phoenix's head as I looked up at him.

"I could do that."

"Heads up though, Leighton and Ashley will be there. If that's okay with you? If it isn't, I'll send them home."

"Leighton is?"

"Teammate. We went to college together."

"Oh, right," I said. "Dinner with people sounds good." My days were spent far too alone for me to ever make new connections and start again.

He opened the car door for me and I climbed in.

The trip back to Shaughnessy heights took us about half n hour. It didn't surprise me that Phoenix lived in that area. Most people with big money did.

We grew up under a stable income. Sadie and I had our own bedrooms and all the clothes we could want as well as a full plate of dinner every night. In my book, that was wealth. Not the sort of wealth Sadie married into though. And definitely not the sort of wealth Phoenix had earned in the NHL.

His apartment building was gorgeous. Lit up with outdoor lights in the gardens and beautifully trimmed hedges. We went into the building and while I felt nervous about being around people from a past I didn't remember, I also believed Phoenix wouldn't bring people near me that couldn't be trusted.

We walked inside and the smell of food hit me immediately. Pots and pans were banging around in the kitchen, steam floated on the air and I could hear laughter. The wall as we walked through the entrance, had a hall table against it, littered with photos of Phoenix and I.

As I stared at the still shots of a different life, his hand pressed to my lower back.

"You alright?"

"Yeah," I said, letting him guide me through into the living area. More photos were spread across the walls and surfaces. "It's weird, like being on the set of my own life."

"You made this place what it is," Phoenix said. "It was boring until you turned up."

"Did we live here together?"

"Sort of," he said, slipping his hoodie over his head and draping it across the back of the sofa. "You were here all the time and we had. . . plans. But you stayed with Sadie when Lottie was there."

It was strange to hear him talk about the important people in my life as if he knew them. But when it came to Lottie, he really did know her better than me and that was agonizing to think about.

The living area was an open plan and as we wandered into view of the kitchen, I saw two people. A well built man with warm brown skin, short locs and beautifully groomed stubble coating his jaw. His arms and shoulders were dotted with dark brown freckles, exposed in a tank top.

The girl next to him was shorter, like me, with long dark hair. She was pouring a steamed pot of vegetables over a drainer.

"Smells good," Phoenix announced our presence and both of their heads snapped in our direction.

"Fucking Kinner," Leighton, it must have been, shouted and made a run for me, weaving around the dining table.

It was like watching a bull charge through a China shop, the plant pots rattled on the shelves, the floor shuddered. This entire room looked far too delicate for this mass of a man to be running toward me at full speed.

Before he could wrap his spread arms around me, Phoenix put a hand to his chest and stopped him in his path. Which he made look far easier than it should've been. "You kidding me? Bro, calm down. She doesn't know who you are."

Realisation spread across Leighton's face and he looked at me, humiliated.

"It's okay," I said, stepping around Phoenix and opening my arms to Leighton. "We can hug."

I couldn't explain it, but there was a significant amount less pressure knowing that this person was a friend and not someone I had an entire relationship with. He engulfed me in his big arms and let out a deep sigh. Anyone who was that excited to see me, must have cared. The more connections I made with the past, the more sadness I felt over not remembering the moments I shared with these people.

"Missed you, Kinney."

Phoenix was watching me when Leighton let me go, his smile was appreciative but the pinch in his brow made me think there was something bothering him.

Ashley walked over from the kitchen next, wearing black from head to toe, including her slippers which had little cauldrons on the top of them. Beautiful. There was a definite likeness to Phoenix but it was all in the gentleness of their smiles.

"The interns at the hospital were talking about you for days," she said. "We don't need to hug but do know, I'm really glad to see you again."

"Talking about me for days?"

"Yeah," she said. "It's not often we get a case of someone losing half a decade of their life in our hospital."

"You work there?"

"Nurse," Ashley slipped her arm through mine and walked us back to the kitchen. "Now, here's an idea, relax. Get to know us as if you were getting to know anyone. You don't have to ask questions like you're filling in blanks. I mean, you are, but we can have a good night of it. I made an insane amount of vegan snack burgers and steamed vegetables. If Leighton tells you he helped, he's a liar."

My gaze wandered back to the guys, Leighton had his phone in his hand and Phoenix was watching me. For someone who had never been in this position, he was being patient and understanding. There wasn't exactly a text book on how to cope with this situation.

Perhaps Ashley was right about getting to know them as I would a total stranger. I was so focused on filling in the gaps, I couldn't relax and let it happen naturally. I'd never had trouble befriending strangers before, in fact my people skills were a huge part of why I landed so many front of house part time jobs during high school and college. What I remember of college.

"Can I do anything to help?" I offered.

Ashley smiled at me as she tossed a salad. "You can make me a coffee."

"At this time of the night?"

"I'm on night shift in three hours, woman. I need a coffee. Make it a quad shot."

Phoenix had an espresso machine in his kitchen, it was ours apparently and I knew how to use it without being shown. Somehow. The doctor said that would happen. I'd lose facts and memories but not skills.

The four of us sat down to dinner after I'd made Ashley her coffee. Phoenix sat next to me and I'd relaxed enough to smile at him. He did a double take.

"Thank you for bringing me tonight," I said quietly while Leighton and Ashley bickered over the fatal impact of too much red meat.

"No problem," Phoenix rested his arm on the back of my chair, his thumb brushing across my back. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah. This is just what I needed. I feel like sitting at home with my own thoughts is just making it harder to start again. You know? I was in this limbo of 'who am I?' I always feel lighter when I go out and do something. Make new connections."

Phoenix leaned in close, pressing his lips to my forehead. They lingered there and my breath caught. He leaned back and smiled and then he kissed the tip of my nose and my entire face felt hot but not with embarrassment, more like butterflies.

It was strange to think that an action that would've felt so natural to him, felt so new and exciting to me. If I let myself think about it for long enough, the fact that we've had sex and he remembers it and I don't, I'll spiral.

"You still coming with us this season, Kinney?" Leighton asked, biting into his burger. Phoenix lowered his head, sighing.

"What?" I asked.

"We haven't talked about that," Phoenix said, shooting a glare across the table.

"Idiot," Ashley added.

Leighton winced. "My bad."

"We head off for the season next month," Phoenix said to me while I chewed on a potato. "I won't be back until Christmas. And that's only five days. After that our next game isn't in Vancouver until the end of January. You were planning on travelling with me. But it's— different now."

It seemed insane to me that my life included things like, travelling around with the Flames for the NHL season.

"You don't have to come," he said, watching me carefully. "And you don't have to make any decisions about it right now either. We don't leave for another two weeks."

Truthfully, the thought of not being able to see him as often, made me kind of sad. The more time we spent together, the more I wanted to keep getting to know him.