Late September. 2016

Sadie and I sat at the dining table on Sunday evening waiting for Lottie to come home. The dark wooden oak was covered in scrapbooking supplies. Ribbon, stickers, stencils, paper of all colour and texture.

Sadie had loved scrapbooking for as long as I could remember. Her bookshelves were full of her own editions, documentation of her life, sweetly arranged into aesthetic pages of art.

I had a scrapbook open in front of me, it was pictures and entries from 2012. Pages of college party photos, baby Lottie, terrible hair cuts, Marissa and Alex.

Those were hard to look at. Not because I had fond memories of these people or that relationship, but because Marissa and I looked so close and in the end, she did the one thing you don't do to a friend.

Sadie's table had long bench seats, not the most comfortable for long stretches of time but it looked beautiful. I sat with a large knitted throw wrapped around me and my legs folded while Sadie scrapbooked.

There was something soothing about watching her work, the sound of scissors slicing through thick paper, stickers being peeled from their backs, the smell of glue sticks and sharpies.

Taylor Swift hummed from a Bluetooth speaker in the background, it lit up blue with the beat, the reflection glowing on the plants it sat next to. At least Taylor was consistent. The music she'd made recently was just as good as the music I listened to in my dorm room on a quiet weekend.

Taylor was comfort music, there was a song for all moods and occasions. Love, heartbreak, friendship, sorrow, sex.

"I like this song," I said, tapping Sadie's screen and seeing the title, Wildest Dreams.

"I'm sort of jealous that you get to experience this album for the first time all over again," Sadie said. "You make jokes about that sort of thing but how often does it really happen? I mean, all the movies you could experience again."

"I guess that's one way to look at it," I mumbled. I understood what she meant but I'd gladly take back the last six years of my life over being able to listen to music for the first time.

I cradled a hot chocolate between my hands as I turned the pages, the steam gathering beneath my nose. Coconut milk wasn't bad, it was better than Almond and it didn't give me the shits, so that was an added bonus.

It made me wonder what the hell I did to my body to make it so intolerant to animal product that I couldn't even drink milk or eat cheese without losing my guts.

The room was quiet apart from music, Sadie had her tongue between her lips while she cut around a flower petal.

"I had an epiphany," I said.

She raised a brow, waiting for elaboration.

"I'm not getting my memories back. Well, it doesn't seem like it. I might, at some point. I honestly don't know but I feel like it's a waste of time to sit around and wait for them. I lost this big chunk of time but I didn't die. So, I have to be grateful for that."

"Yeah," Sadie paused her cutting, watching me. Her pale brown almost blonde hair was secured in a pony on top of her head. "That's a good outlook."

"I have all these wonderful people in my life who want to spend time with me and get to know me again. I think I just need to get back out there and start living."

"I think that's an amazing idea."

"Plus, Phoenix seems super sweet and there's no reason why I shouldn't date him. He seems to really care about me and he's only seven months ahead in terms of memories. It's not like we'd been married for the last decade and had kids together. I can catch up. I hope."

Sadie tilted her head, smiling at me. I kept forgetting she was the little sister. She seemed older and that wasn't just because she looked six years older than I remembered her, but because she was so settled and content at home in her single mom life.

She didn't go out and get ripped three times a week like she used to, she was a working woman with a daughter and responsibilities. In her opinion, twenty six was too old for the clubs anyway. I disagreed.

"I'm not going back to work either," I said.

Sadie stared at me.

"What?" I shrugged.

"You worked hard for that position and you're good at it. It's not the sort of job you can just. . . get again."

"I'd feel like an imposter walking into that position and telling people what to do when I'm not even that familiar with the job. Like, I don't remember all the work I did to get there in the first place."

"I'm definitely not opposed to it," she said and I wondered what right she thought she had to oppose to it anyway. "But what are you going to do for an income?"

"I wouldn't mind going back into a barista job or something casual until I feel more. . . settled. I know hospitality, I can cope with that."

"It's a good thing you don't remember living the high life," Sadie said, swiping her finger along the page, pressing the glue down on her floral border. "A barista wage won't fund your lifestyle."

It was unusual opening my bank account and seeing figures that I never imagined I'd be responsible for earning. It was nice even, but when I saw it, it didn't feel like mine. There was no desire to go out and spend hundreds of dollars at the mall or go on expensive vacations. My mindset was in survival mode, earning enough to make rent but not working so much I couldn't keep up with studies.

Giving up that job didn't feel like a sacrifice, it felt like a weight off.

"Would you mind if I sold my apartment?" I asked. "It'd mean I'd have to live here permanently. For a while."

"I told you to sell it months ago, it made no sense to me that you were hanging onto it. You were never there," she said. "It was basically a big storage unit."

"Why didn't I sell it?" I thought back to the conversation I had with Phoenix earlier in the week, when he said I'd just moved in with him. "Phoenix made it sound like we were moving in together or had moved in together."

Sadie straightened her back and stretched after being hunched over the table for the last hour. "You we're considering renting it out. You also couldn't let go of a back up plan. It was really hard for you to put all your eggs in his basket and a little part of you held on to the idea that he'd hurt you and you'd need your apartment again."

My brows furrowed, it was hard to imagine being so cynical toward this man. From what I'd seen, he was genuine and open and honest. He moved around me as if I were his centre, pulling him in and keeping him close. Whenever he touched me, I could see how hard it was for him to stop. Not one part of me could believe he'd be the sort of cruel man I was worried about him being.

"But I'd moved in with you before I met him, right?" The timeline was constantly tripping me up, like trying to remember the details of some distant relatives life.

"Sort of. After Jason moved out, you came to hang out so I didn't feel so fucking miserable and alone. You stayed longer than we planned, but no complaints. I love it."

That warmed me. Sadie and I had always been close. Even as teenagers, when using the wrong towel could turn into a hair pulling bitch fight, we were best friends. It was a relief that we maintained that love into adulthood. Sometimes her tone pissed me off, there were probably things I did that annoyed her too, but I couldn't see that changing. Sisters were sisters, fights and all.

Sadie tapped the screen of her phone and sighed at the time. "Where the fuck is this dickhead?"

She stood up and started scooping scraps of paper trash into her little garbage basket. While she cleaned, I kept flipping the pages of the scrapbook, months and months of memories and events. There were some photos in which I didn't even recognize who I was. The amount of hair colours and cuts, the make up, the fashion. At one point I had blonde hair and a side fringe. I kind of liked it.

We heard the front door open a few minutes later, Sadie was putting paper and pens into her craft box when Lottie barreled inside and ran straight for her mom.

Watching my little sister, who never got to experience the love of her own mother, parent this little girl, was one of the best feelings in the world. Sadie scooped her up and stood her on the bench seat so she could cuddle her tight and kiss her cheeks over and over again.

"How was your week my girl?" Sadie asked, brushing Lottie's fringe back from her face. "You need a haircut."

"No."

Sadie rolled her eyes and kissed her again as Jason walked in. Just like that, tension snapped into place. For something invisible, it sure was evident. He gave me a small nod, nothing like the enthusiasm I remember him greeting me with in the past. That probably had something to do with the slap Sadie said I gave him.

"Good week?" She asked, not looking at him.

"It was great," he rolled back on the balls of his feet and looked around the room.

"Good."

Jason looked at Sadie then, his heart cracking right in front of me. It was so fucking hard to watch and as much as I didn't want to feel bad for him, I couldn't help it.

"Can we talk for a minute?" He asked.

Sadie leaned into Lottie and smiled. "Go and put your bag away and get ready for dinner, we're going out, momma will be in soon."

Lottie jumped off the bench seat, her feet hitting the hard wood floor with a loud thump. As she passed, I smiled and waved, the feeling of love was genuine, an instinct toward her. To my relief, her little dimples appeared as she smiled back.

"I'm not in the mood tonight, Jason," Sadie said when Lottie was gone. "Thanks for bringing her back half n hour late."

He sighed, frustrated and turned around, leaving without another word. The room fell quiet apart from the slow ethereal voice of Taylor singing about getting the girl. It was too upbeat for the current atmosphere. Even more so when Sadie finally looked at me and saw the obvious sorrow I wore.

"What?!" She snapped, anger seeping into her stare.

"He seems so desperate to fix things."

"Yeah, he was desperate to get his dick somewhere too," she snapped. "So desperate he couldn't wait until he got home to his wife and instead shoved it in the first available woman he could find."

"I know he—"

"No," Sadie raised her hand, her gaze glistening with tears and anger. "You know what, I don't fucking care if you don't remember being cheated on, twice. Good for you. It must be nice. But that feeling of being stabbed straight in the back, is horrific. Do you think it's easy for me? Do you think I don't love him and wish things were different? I wish we still had our family together but we don't and I'm not settling for that standard. You wouldn't either."

"It's different!" I shouted, standing up so we were eye to eye. "You can't compare how I handled my situation to your own. I wasn't married with children. Stop using who I was as a reason not to give him another chance."

"It's my choice!" She screamed and her scream broke off into a breathless sob. "I can't trust him and I don't forgive him. End of!"

Sadie left the room, the Bluetooth speaker crackled as she got further from it. Frustrated tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. This was the sort of shit I'd been afraid of. Not being the same person people remembered, severing connections with the people I love. I should've kept quiet because Sadie was right, I didn't remember what it felt like to be cheated on and I never should've spoken on it.

In my room, I closed the door, turned on the lamp and picked up the new cellphone I'd bought on Wednesday. It was convenient but I couldn't be bothered getting attached to it with all the apps and social media Sadie had.

It'd probably happen in time but right now it wasn't important.

There was a missed text message from Phoenix on the lock screen, his name made my heart thrum a little harder.

Found this in my camera roll. Made me laugh. You're so beautiful it hurts. Hope your night is going well x

The attached photo was Phoenix and I sitting next to each other in the snow, ski goggles on and boots on our feet. Both of us were laughing, the sun was shining in a cloudless sky and I was flipping Phoenix off, hand in his face.

For context, I just told you if I beat you to the bottom of the slope, you have to marry me. Heart warming response from my Kins, as usual.

Instead of texting him back, I pressed call, which took me a moment to figure out and slowly sunk into the bed while the phone rang. The sun was setting outside of my window, beams of evening light coming through the tree branches. The warmth came through the panes of glass and touched my face, relaxing me.

"Evening, babe," Phoenix said and I heard the abrupt pause of his breath. "I mean, Kins."

I truly didn't mind when he called me that. It sounded so sincere and adoring. In the background of his call I could hear the sound of men laughing, shouting, the echos of the rink or the locker rooms. I wasn't sure. He had a game tonight. I wanted to be there but Lottie was home and Sadie and I had talked about taking her to get pancakes for dinner.

I had no idea if that was still happening.

"Who won?" I asked, looking out the window, the tops of cars visible as they drove past.

"Won?"

"Going down the slope."

"Oh," he lightly laughed and the background noise lessened, as if he were finding a quiet place to talk. "Well, to be fair, Kins, I won every single time you looked at me."

My stomach flip flopped all over the fucking place. Was he always this charming?

"We looked happy."

"We were," his voice softened and I heard how hard it was for him to use past tense.

I leaned on my elbow, head in my palm. "Was it hard though? From what I know, I wasn't super trusting."

He let out a shallow breath. "I mean, there were times when I felt like I didn't know what to do to convince you that I wouldn't leave. But I also knew how much pain you'd been through and how those fucking boys before me had broken your trust."

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, appreciative that Phoenix sounded genuine and not at all like he was looking for brownie points.

"Do you want to have dinner tomorrow night? If you're in town and free or whatever?" I wasn't sure what came over me but then again, it wasn't the first time I've made a move on a crush.

"Of course I do," he said, excitement in his voice. "Whatever time I can have, I'll take."

"Alright."

"You wanna come to practice with me in the morning? We're going to hit the ice for a few hours before the flight to Seattle. I can hang back in town for one more night though. We don't have another game until Tuesday."

"Yeah, I'll come and watch," I said. "I'm going to pack up my apartment in south Granville tomorrow. I can do that afterward."

"Oh, wow. I'll give you a hand," he said. "Practice will be done at eleven. We can head over afterward."

My smile grew. "Perfect."

"How's your night going?" Phoenix asked, I twisted a strand of hair between my fingers. "Lottie must be home."

It was little statements like that, which reminded me how well he knew me and those parts of my life. It was odd to hear someone so new, remember exactly when my niece was and wasn't at home. The fact that he obviously paid attention to all of my little details meant a lot to me.

"She is," I thought about the argument Sadie and I just had.

Phoenix must have heard something in my tone. "Something wrong, Kins?"

"I just had a bit of an argument with Sadie about Jason."

"Jason?" Phoenix sounded confused.

I told him what happened from the beginning and he listened attentively the entire time. Listening to myself talk about what I said out loud was embarrassing, the fact that I really hinted at Sadie to forgive Jason because I felt bad for him.

"I have to admit, it's weird to imagine you being in the same room as Jason and not cussing him out."

Switching positions again to lay on my stomach, I ran my finger over the stitching on the comforter. "I'm aware that I'm not as much of a bitch as I used to be."

Phoenix sighed. "You weren't a bitch. You just weren't. . ."

"Weak minded?" I filled in for him. "A pushover, unforgiving—"

"There's nothing wrong with not being a pushover," he cut me off. "You had standards and that was a good thing."

"Did you prefer me like that?"

He fell quiet and I felt bad for pushing him into a corner and forcing him to answer something that might make him uncomfortable. But at the same time, I wanted to know if he preferred that hard headed girl I used to be. I'd like to think I've always had good standards, but it sounds like I became combative.

"I like the fact that you don't remember what it's like to hurt," he said quietly. "I know that might seem selfish, but I'm glad you don't remember experiencing heartache. It means I can make sure that you never have to."

My entire body flushed with a tingle of nerves and butterflies. It never ceased to amaze me how sincere his statements sounded.

"Look," he continued. "Sadie was right, you don't know what that kind of hurt feels like anymore, I don't agree with the context she used that phrase in, but she's right. You want her to be happy again, I get it, but she's the one that has to make those kinds of calls. Best you can do is support her."

As much as I already knew that, I still appreciated hearing it from him, it showed he cared about Sadie enough to be honest with me. "I should apologize to her."

He lightly laughed. "You'll work it out, babe."

It was quiet for a little while, and then I said, "so did my loud mouth get me into trouble much?"

"Yeah," he said, his voice a bit tighter than before. "Just a little."

Phoenix and I talked a while longer, sometimes we said a lot, and sometimes we didn't talk at all. We hung up the phone after we'd said goodbye and I felt those first date jitters. Excited and tingling from just the sound of his voice and the thought of seeing him again.