Early October. 2016

Wrapped in a powder blue jacket, a hoodie underneath it and big socks in my doc martens, I sat on the benches and watched Phoenix and his teammates gliding around the ice. The arena echoed with the sound of sticks hitting the puck, slapping the ice, shouts of encouragement and their coach critiquing their form.

Throughout the practice, I found myself smiling at his skill, clapping for his goals, admiring his physique.

It was a given that I'd crushed on hockey players in the past. I'd been watching the sport since I could hold my own head up. It was their strength, their attitude, the way they carried themselves and the smug looks they got when they were mouthing off at each other.

Phoenix was no exception to that attraction. His thick dark lashes framed a confident gaze and I thought about how his stubble felt against my skin when he kissed my forehead. His jaw clenched as he leaned over, stick in hand and talked to his teammates.

Even during a practice, the testosterone was high and they laughed whenever someone got checked into the wall, or shoved from behind, or sworn at. It wasn't as aggressive as a real game of course, all of this was playful and the time flew watching Phoenix in his element.

They had a game against the Canucks last night, which brought the whole team into town. Soon, Phoenix would be on the road more than he was home.

It was unusual for him to reside in Vancouver full time, but he'd always remained close to his sister.

"Kinny," Leighton came flying toward the exit, slowing down just in time to step off the ice and into the stadium seating. "You look snug. How's Sadie?"

My brow furrowed. "Fine. You two know each other?"

"I'd like to know her more," he grinned.

Phoenix walked off the ice then, whipping off his helmet and spitting his mouth guard into it.

"Shut up, Lei," he smacked the back of his friends shoulder and sat down next to me.

"She's a mom," I said, sure he must know that.

After last nights argument, I liked the thought of Sadie meeting someone new. However, I wasn't sure Leighton was the settle down and get serious with a step daughter sort of person. To be fair, I didn't know him well enough to voice that concern out loud.

"She's a MILF," Leighton said, pulling off his helmet.

"Just stop," Phoenix shook his head, disappointment in his stare.

"I mean, she is," I agreed. "She could be down for a good time, I'll have a chat to her."

Leighton's face lit up with surprise and excitement.

As more teammates filed off the ice, I was greeted, smiled at, I was given fist bumps and high fives and by the time I'd said hello to half of the team, I was overwhelmed with warmth and inclusiveness. No one crowded me or expected a conversation, it was enough just to know that I was cared about and people were pleased to see me there.

"We've got another Canucks game this weekend," Phoenix said once the team had cleared out. He leaned over and undid the straps on his skates. "You and Sadie going to be there?"

"I will," I said. "I'm not sure about Sadie. She has Lottie this coming weekend."

Phoenix straightened up, our sides were flush against each other and he looked down at me, his gaze moving over my face. "As long as you're there," he said. "Right behind our box, so when I'm sitting out, I can get a good luck kiss."

My cheeks burst into warmth, the feeling spreading from my core and into my fluttering heart.

He winced. "Too soon?"

My stomach was in absolute knots as we stared at each other and instead of trying to connect dots, or jolt memories or think of him as someone I knew, I just looked at him as this sweet, sincere man that I was just starting to date. He made it so easy to want him, he didn't push me to be in a place we'd been before.

"I like you," I said, watching his face melt into relief, his breath quickening.

"Thank fuck for that," he murmured, his damp brown strands of hair curled on his forehead and touched his brow. "I like you too."

He loved me, he didn't say that though, which meant a lot to me because I wanted to feel that way too before I heard him say it.

"We must have good sex," I said, startled at my own words but not embarrassed.

Phoenix burst into a sweet sounding laughter. It was so deep but melodic and his smile made it all the more mesmerising.

"I just feel like we do," I added, lightly laughing. "I get that feeling."

"We do," Phoenix rested a hand on his thigh and sucked his bottom lip between his teeth as his gaze became distant with recollection. "I'll be honest about that. We absolutely do."

"I know you don't want to use anything to your advantage while I get to know you," I said, palm on the bench seat beside me, my fingers curled around the lip of it while visual thoughts took over. "But when it comes to that, I wouldn't mind if you use what you already know I like."

Phoenix looked at me, his lips parting on a quick, sharp breath. "I can get on board with that."

I felt that promise, all over.

My apartment in South Granville was on the third floor, it was a big open plan with white walls and brass fixtures. Lots of light and hard wood floors. It was strange walking through, not recognising the furniture or the clothes or the food in the cupboards. I didn't even know my way around because I'd never been here before.

Phoenix had though, he walked straight over to a cupboard next to the bathroom and retrieved a stack of boxes from the top shelf, his hoodie riding up and exposing his firm lower abdomen.

"You sure about this?" Phoenix asked, carefully putting the boxes on a small glass dining table, topped with a candle and wooden salt and pepper shakers.

"Of course," I looked around, not sure where to start. "It seems like a total waste to keep it when I'm happy living with Sadie. Plus, I need the cash to get me through. I emailed in my resignation this morning."

His brows rose with surprise. "You did?"

"Mhmm. Sadie didn't think it was a good idea, like, financially. I don't even know what it's like to live with the sort of income I'm on, so I don't care."

He watched me, his jaw fluttering as if he were holding back from telling me what he thought.

"What is it?" I prompted. "You can tell me. I'm interested on your take."

"It's not a take," he said, seeming to struggle with the words as he came closer. He was so tall, his presence, even from a distance, swallowed me up. "It's just— you weren't happy. I support this choice because I saw what it was like when ever you were under stress or pressure. I know I'm not supposed to be using my knowledge to my advantage. But if it helps you feel content, I think this is a good idea. You were amazing in that job but it gave you a fucking headache."

"That actually helps," I said, feeling even lighter. I'd made up my mind about the job, but knowing it wasn't making me happy, gave me a sense of closure I didn't realise I needed.

"I'm glad," he said, leaning a palm on the back of the soft charcoal sofa. He had veins in his hands and they disappeared under his sleeve. I needed to look closer when he wasn't wearing a hoodie.

Taking a deep breath, I looked around. "I feel nothing for any of this. I should sell it."

"Sell it," Phoenix agreed, turning around and leaning on the sofa, he folded his arms, his gaze roaming. "Whatever you want to keep, you're welcome to store at my place. There's a ton of spare room. It's technically our place anyway."

I looked at him. "Do you want me to come home?"

"When you're ready," he said. "Not before. Not until you wake up with me and decide you don't want to leave again."

We watched each other, the room quiet and my heart thundering. Slowly, without looking away, he straightened up from the sofa, his soft footsteps just a whisper on the hardwood floor as he stepped close to me.

He touched his fingers to mine, sending a jolt of fire straight up my arm, his touch followed, moving up, tracing my skin until he reached my elbow and then he gave me a gentle tug toward him.

His hand swept into my hair, holding the space between my neck and jaw. His thumb made slow strokes, his breath quick as he touched his forehead to mine.

His free hand came to rest on my waist and his fingers dug in like he was restraining a desperate, insatiable need to touch me.

"I don't know when it happened," he said, his voice quiet, almost quivering. "But you became the reason I fucking breathe, Kins. I'll go as slow as it takes for as long as it takes. But just know, you're still my entire world."

I kissed him, I couldn't help it. One second I was listening to this declaration, the blood rushing through my veins becoming electric and the next, my lips were on his and the restraint he had, was gone.

He slammed his entire frame against mine, backing me up against the sofa as he pried my mouth open with his tongue and groaned. He groaned and it was the best sound I'd ever heard. It was the best sound I'd ever felt. I held onto his shoulders, feeling the definition of his muscle.

His hands were wild, moving over me, pulling me in tight. He slid them both into my hair, down the side of my neck and then onto my jaw, holding my face as he deepened our kiss. His entire body pressed into mine, towering over me and then the sofa slid across the floor.

"Shit," he laughed, holding me up before I could lose balance. One hand remained tight around my middle, the other grabbed the sofa behind me. "My bad. I didn't mean to get carried away."

"No it's—" my voice was breathless as I kept hold of his shoulders. "I liked it."

"Me too," he kissed me softly this time.

At nine o clock, Phoenix and I were in the middle of the living room, surrounded by empty boxes made into a fort. We had blankets, pillows and Chinese noodles.

I had no idea how we ended up creating a box fort but somewhere along the way we stopped packing up clothes and instead started making walls.

There were fairy lights hanging around my bedroom and Phoenix had fixed them to the inside of our fort with tape. We'd eaten all we could and had lay down on our sides in the plush softness of pillows and faux mink.

We'd been talking for hours, laughing, sometimes he leaned over and kissed me. It was as if he couldn't get enough of being allowed to kiss me.

The best part was when he held my face, thumb moving across my cheek. It left me breathless.

"What did you dream about as a child," Phoenix asked me. His hand reached between us and he laced his fingers with mine. He'd lost his hoodie and I got to admire the veins running up his forearms.

"Wild, unrealistic things," I said. "As children do."

"Tell me."

"I don't know if there were specifics," I mused out loud, our fingers tangled, moving in the space between us, he traced the lines of my palm. "I just wanted to be happy. Experience college, have a job, fall in love, get a dog. I always wanted a dog but dad had—"

"Allergies," Phoenix gave me a tired smile.

"Yeah. And then I couldn't have one in college. Not sure what happened after that."

"You want me to tell you?"

"Would you?"

His finger ran down the length of my forearm and back again, intertwining our hands. "You got too busy. Work kept you out of the house and you didn't want a dog being cooped up in an apartment."

"That makes sense," I said, pleased to know I was sensible in that regard. "Okay, no more. I decided not to spend all of our time together connecting the dots. I just want to live in the moment."

The soft glow of the lights glistened in his brown gaze. "I know you said you were going to look for a job," he murmured. "But if you wanted to come on the road, it might be better to wait until the end of the season."

"I hadn't decided if I wanted to go," I said.

"You don't have to," he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "I was just thinking out loud."

"You don't think it would be weird? I just quit my job, I don't know how far my savings would take me. I suppose selling this place would help."

"You don't have to stress about all of that. If you want to take spending money, that's cool, but the trip is sorted."

"Oh was it—"

"It was sorted a couple of months ago."

"I wasn't like, living off your money, was I?"

He laughed, it was a low tired, laugh and it sounded gorgeous. "Not a chance."

I didn't think so, it seemed like I did well for myself but I wanted to be sure.

"What if me quitting my job puts a divide between us," I whispered. "Like, I could keep up before but there's going to be a major tax bracket between us now."

"I wanted you to quit that job," he reminded me. "Not because I didn't want you to work. I just wanted you to be happy."

"Oh," I smiled, eye lids feeling heavier as he ran his finger up and down my arm. "Okay."

              Phoenix and I fell asleep in the little fort and the next morning he woke me up to let me know he had a flight to catch. As much as he wanted me to go with him, I had boxes to pack and the real estate agent wanted to do a walk through before the apartment was listed.

The area was in high demand and she knew it wouldn't be long before it sold. For the rest of the week, I packed it up and moved what I wanted to keep into the spare room at Phoenix's. He arranged for a moving company to pack the rest of it into storage until I knew what to do with it.

I found myself missing him while he was gone, we talked on the phone and text when he wasn't busy but it wasn't the same. When we were together, he was so attentive and in the moment.

It made me wonder how hard it would be to date someone who was on the road all the time, long term. 

Sadie, Lottie and I ate dinner together on Friday night. Lottie was in her booster seat, sifting through vegetables and picking out all of the peas. I watched her carefully place them on the table next to her plate, apparently there was no way she could just move them to the side or eat around them, no, they had to be off the plate.

I was going to watch Phoenix at Roger's arena tomorrow and I couldn't wait to see him again.

"How's Lottie with hockey games?" I asked and then I looked at her. "Do you like hockey?"

She nodded, her hair was up in little pig tails, her pin straight ends flaring out like fans and waving with her enthusiasm. She was getting better at answering my questions.

At first, she stared at me like I was an idiot, asking her something I knew the answer to. The more we explained that I couldn't remember but I wanted to know her, the better she was at helping me fill in the blanks of our friendship.

"You two should come to the game tomorrow?"

Sadie gave a light shrug. "We could do that. Have you heard from the real estate agent?"

"She rang me earlier and said the listing was up."

"Mommy?" Lottie rubbed at her nose, it made a squishy sound. "Daddy has a friend."

Sadie and I looked at each other. "A friend?"

Lottie nodded.

"Is the friend a boy or a girl?" I asked.

"A girl."

Sadie dropped her fork on her plate, sucked in a deep breath and pursed her lips so tight they went pale. Lottie had to know something was different about this friend if she wanted to bring it up at dinner. Kids were observant and Lottie, from what I knew about her so far, didn't say a whole lot, but when she did, it was thoughtful.

"And you wanted me to give him another chance," Sadie leaned across the table and whispered vehemently at me.

"I'm—"

"Perhaps I should call Leighton," she picked up her fork and stabbed a potato so hard, both Lottie and I flinched.

I'd told her about Leighton's comments he'd made at the practice earlier this week. At the time she'd laughed it off, telling me there was no chance she'd get involved with someone like him now that she was a mom.

"A bit of fun couldn't hurt?" I sheepishly agreed with her, not wanting to give any more unsolicited advice because so far, that hadn't bode well for me.

We'd moved on from our argument the other night, I apologised and she forgave me but it was clear she was still pissed.

"Whatever," she picked up her glass of wine and threw it back, smacking her lips when she'd polished it off. "I don't want to talk about it. I had a thought today, about you."

For some reason that sentence terrified me.

"You need a new direction, right?" She said. "I think this is a good time for you to get into interior design."

"Oh," I said, looking around the room at the work I'd done.

"You're good at it, Kins. You always were. You have a fresh start, you've quit your job, it's perfect timing."

"But I'm sort of behind in terms of trend."

"Who cares? It wouldn't take long to do a bit of research on what's current. But at the same time, design is more about an individuals taste. You get an idea from the customer about their wants and vision and you bring it to life."

I let out a long breath. It wasn't a terrible idea. Interior design was something I'd been doing for a long time. Even in school I used to re decorate me and Sadie's bedrooms at least once a month. Dad let me do whatever I wanted to the kitchen and living area, within reason and a budget of course.

"Do you think it matters that I don't have a degree?"

"Na," Sadie said, calmer than she had been a few moments ago. "Sure that can help. But you can do almost anything without a degree, as long as you're good at it. People kick start their own businesses all the time through word of mouth and social media."

"I wouldn't even know where to start," I said.

"Phoenix would," Sadie said, looking at Lottie instead of me. "Trust me. Ask him about it."