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Four.

Four isn't a good number.

The good numbers are two and five, I have to remember. Two and five.

Threes are good. Tens and sevens are too.

Four - that's the worst number. This is the worst hour.

But nonetheless, it's four in the morning and I still have fifty eight minutes and twenty four seconds of the fourth hour.

Stop it, you're breathing too quick. Now too slow, I'm breathing to slow. Am I going to die? Do I have a heart problem? I should look up symptoms of heart problems.

No that's stupid. You don't have a heart problem, that's stupid. I need to lie in my back. Lying on your stomach is bad for you - I need to lie on my back.

Did I put my retainer in? Yes, I have my retainer.

Did I brush my teeth? I'm not sure. I'm not sure, I should again just in case. And wash my hands too. And my face, I need to wash my face.

Count the seconds. One. Two
Three. Four. Four is a bad number, I should skip four. Skipping four wouldn't be right. I guess somethings in life have to stay.

That was a good motto. I should write that down.

Motto? No that isn't the right word. What's the word I'm looking for? Saying? No that's wrong too. Phrase works, but it isn't specific enough.

Oh God, I stopped counting. What number am I on? This is bad. I should've stopped counting. I need to start over, it'll just take a second.

Besides, it's only four in the morning and I still have fifty five minutes and fourty two seconds before the fifth hour of the day.

Thirteenth hour. I have a book by that name. Animals, the characters were animals. The main character, an elephant, hosted a birthday party. Clues, he left clues.

What am I doing? I shouldn't remember this, the last time I read this was February of 2014. Why do I remember that? I shouldn't remember those things. It isn't normal, and normal makes you stand out.

Take a deep breath. In and out.

Water
Fall
Water
Fall

How many times am I supposed to go? Was it five or ten? Maybe seven.

I should have taken notes.

No that is so stupid, people don't take notes at the therapists.

Just shut up! Lie down, on your back and think. Tomorrow, tomorrow is a Monday, no school. Mother and father have off, but they're going grocery shopping. I could bike to a friend's house. What day is it? The seventeenth. Of April.

My brother! His birthday is tomorrow, I need to make a gift. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could you forget?

And the field trip for school on Tuesday. I need that signed. Fifty six dollars and fifteen cents.

And that girl in girl scouts. Was she watching me order my food? Did she notice how I stuttered? Does she think I'm shy and uncapable? Should I ask her about it?

No, of course not, idiot. You don't ask people if they think you're weird.

Calm down. Calm down and go to bed.

Breath in. Blink blink. Breath out. Blink blink. Breath in. Blink blink. Breath out. Blink blink.

I need to punch something. I really need to hurt something. Oh God what if I hurt someone?

What if I lose it and just hurt someone?
What if I hurt a friend?
What if I hurt my brother?
What if I hurt my dogs?
What I'd the stove catches on fire again?
What if I miss the bus?
What if I fall asleep in class?
What if I don't know the answer?
What if I fail?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if people don't like me?

What if things get worse? What if...

Stop. You need to stop. Being cautious is helpful, being worried is not. Rule nine. Nine is an okay number.

Five minus two is three, three squared is nine. Nine is a good number.

Shut up with the numbers! No, numbers help. Yes, numbers definitely help.

Let's count.

Twenty eight guitar picks on my nightstand. Five pencils in the pencil holder. Two doors, one window. Sixteen X's on my calander. Two hundred eighteen books on my shelf. Fifty four pair of shirts and Thirty one pairs or pants. Four pillows. One light.

See? You're better. At ease. You can go to sleep now. And it's the fifth hour. A good hour. My favorite hour too.

I shouldn't be awake. Do I have insomnia? No. Of course not. Four. Four mental illnesses then. Just four only four, I can get around four.

Four. That's why I hate fours. Four is the worst numbers, the worst number ever. Except for Tobias Four. Tobias rocks.

Stop thinking about books. Go to sleep. I need to sleep. But what if I have that one nightmare? Or that other one I have a lot? Or the one that really scared me?

Just go to sleep. Studies show that you can't cognitively represent negative feelings during REM twice within fourteen hours. One nightmare, wake up, go back to sleep. Right. Easy. Easy.

Because after all, when my parents and friends laugh and tell me I should get more sleep, I sleep even less. Thoughts will be my closest enemy forever.

And they won't ever let me sleep.