WILLY

The Sunday after the Christmas parade was always decorating day in the Arriaga household, so I woke up the next morning already knowing what I’d be doing all day.

And who I’d be doing it with.

During the walk home after the fireworks, which had been a lot less leisurely than the walk to town, my mother had invited Ruelle and Andrés over to help decorate the house for Christmas.

What I didn’t anticipate was my mother sending Rue out to help me with the outside decor while keeping Drés inside with her. But it made more sense due to ladders being involved. However, I’d mentally prepared myself for spending the day with a five-year-old shadow who never stopped talking, not for Ruelle Espinosa.

I already thought about her too often. I’d even caught myself driving a little too fast on the way home from work, wondering if I’d get to see her for a few minutes. All I could do was keep telling myself it was the novelty of having a new friendship after a few years of avoiding them by keeping on the move.

It couldn’t be anything more than that.

“Doesn’t this kind of take the fun out of it?” she asked, looking at the organized reels of Christmas lights I pulled out of the box. “I mean in the movies they’re always in a tangled knot.”

“My Dad hated doing the lights and the more carefully he put them away, the faster it was to put them up the next year.”

“I wish I’d gotten to meet him,” she said quietly. “Rosario loves to tell me stories about him.”

“I wish you had, too. He would have gotten a kick out of having Andrés around.”

And he would have liked Ruelle, too, as much as he’d liked Delores. My dad had been a laid-back kind of guy, who liked to joke around and have a good time. Going through Del’s loss with me had aged him a little, but he’d been strong and in good health. Losing him in June had been a totally unexpected blow.

“I’ve never done Christmas lights,” Ruelle said, drawing me back to the present. “I was going to hang some on our porch because the Blooms told me there were Christmas decorations in the basement, but I don’t know how.”

“You’ve never hung Christmas lights?”

“No. The Monday after Thanksgiving, I’d go do whatever I was doing that day and, when I got back, the house would be decorated.”

“Well, after today you’ll know how because you might have noticed, we have a lot of lights.”

It took longer than it should have because we spent almost as much time laughing at each other as we did hanging lights. Ruelle learned she had a slight fear of ladders, which she discovered by freezing at the top of the extension ladder. Her legs shaking made the ladder rattle, which made her laugh. I was laughing, too, which didn’t help, so it took forever to get her back down.

Then, because I was distracted, I didn’t check a long string of lights before hanging it along the roofline so it didn’t light up when I was done and plugged it in. When I cursed, she laughed even harder at me than I had at her.

The sun was going down by the time we finally got the lights strung and the wreath hung on the front door. Candy cane garland twisted up the mailbox post and the two main porch posts.

“I think we’re done for now,” I said, standing at the edge of the street to examine our handiwork.

“For now?”

“Oh, Ma always finds a few things to add.”

“How come you don’t just leave the lights up and not plug them in eleven months of the year?”

I laughed and started back toward the house.

“Sorry, Rue. Not in this neighborhood.”

“Well, I’m starving. Rosario said we’d decorate the tree after the outside was done, but that’s a huge tree. We’ll eat first, right?”

“I hope so.”

We lucked out and walked through the door just as my mother was pulling a pan of pork chops out of the oven. We devoured them, along with homemade macaroni and cheese, before turning our attention to the Christmas tree.

She’d gone big.

And there would barely be room for the star at the top. I’d pointed that out at the Christmas tree lot, but my mom had dug in her heels and I’d realized having a perfect tree this year was about more than just having it look good in the living room. But I had to admit this was a pretty one and it had no bare spots that I could see.

“Okay,” my mother said, popping the lids off the three plastic bins she kept the tree decorations in. “The adults will do the glass and fragile ones, but there will be lots for you to put on the tree, Andrés.”

I mostly watched, though there were a few special ones my mom always made me get off the couch to hang. Andrés admired each ornament, asking my mother questions about them as he hung each one. I could see my mom loved telling the stories of the ornaments.

When Ruelle got up, rather abruptly, and walked to the kitchen, I got the feeling something was wrong. Maybe it was the set of her shoulders or how fast she walked, but she wasn’t just looking for a refill on her decaf.

When she was gone for a few minutes, I decided to go after her.

She might need a shoulder to cry on.

And, as much as I hated dealing with tears, I’d brace myself and be that guy.

As I suspected I would, I found her standing at the sink, mopping her eyes with a paper towel. Because I wanted to keep my voice low, I crossed the kitchen to stand next to her.

“I guess it’s an emotional night for everybody,” I said quietly.

Turning to face me, she smiled.

“No, no. These are happy tears, Willy, I promise. But Drés can’t always tell the difference and I didn’t want to ruin his fun.”

“Happy tears?” I gave her a skeptical look, but she nodded. “You probably had some pretty extravagant Christmases in the past.”

“We had four formal trees, Guillermo. Each decorated to match the theme of the room. Custom crystal decorations. Hand-tied bows. They were visually stunning.”

Well...

She sniffed and wiped at her face again.

“Now I know they weren’t really Christmas trees at all.”

“I’m not really getting the happy tears from this.”

“We put our tree up Tuesday after he got home from school because he couldn’t wait anymore. It’s a tiny tree, but we both love it. We made the star out of aluminum foil and gold glitter, which was quite a mess, and we have three decorations.”

“You could probably borrow some of ours, you know.”

She shook her head.

“We have a little plastic moose that has a red nose because they’ve been his favorite animal since we moved to New Hampshire. A wooden book with 'A Christmas Carol' stamped in gold letters because the local library was selling them for a fundraiser. And your mom knit Drés a tiny red sock with a white heel and toe.”

“Sounds like Ma, alright.”

“That is a Christmas tree,” she said. “And I was sitting there, listening to the stories and thinking about someday when Andrés is an adult and our tree is as full of memories as yours is.”

“Ah. And therein lies the happy tears.”

She sniffed and I reached up to wipe away the lingering trace of her happiness.

Rue blinked, looking up at me with soft blue eyes as I stroked my thumb over her cheekbone. Her skin was soft and her lips parted slightly when my fingertips trailed down her cheek.

All I had to do was lower my head and I could kiss her. I was thinking about it. And so was she.

It would be a huge mistake.

Everybody was feeling all warm and fuzzy from nostalgia and family togetherness, and if I kissed her right now, she might read more into it than a constantly growing sexual chemistry.

“Umm... I should go,” she whispered. “I should... you know... Drés...”

I stepped back, letting my hand drop to my side.

“Yeah, Ma usually saves the best ornaments for last. You don’t want to miss those.”

She practically ran, pausing only to drop the paper towel in the garbage on her way out. With a heavy sigh, I braced my hands on the sink and stared out the window at the front of her house.

It would be easy to tell myself I just needed to get laid. I could go into the city and hit a few bars. I mean, not to brag but I was a good-looking guy with a trustworthy face and I rarely had problems finding company.

But I knew... oh I knew... that if I went to a bar, I’d sit there nursing a beer and think about Ruelle Espinosa.

If I was going to torture myself, I may as well save the five bucks.

***

December 12th.

The date was my first waking thought and, instead of heading for the coffee pot, I just lay there and stared at the ceiling fan.

Seven years ago tonight, I’d been sitting on the front porch, having a beer with my dad, when a police cruiser pulled into the driveway. Officer Parks, whom I had gone to school with, had stood there with his hat in his hands and tears in his eyes.

“There’s been an accident with a drunk driver. I am so sorry Guillier, but your wife and baby are dead.”

Then there was nothing but a haze of pain and anger and my mom guiding me through the hell of burying the woman I loved, along with the baby girl I’d barely had a chance to.

With a weary sigh, I threw back the covers and forced myself to get out of bed. It would have been nice to distract myself with oil changes and clogged carburetors, but things got slow leading up to Christmas and Elton had me working four-day workweeks. Usually having Fridays off was a bonus, but not today.

Once I was dressed and realized the worst thing I could do was stay in my apartment moping all damn day, I went in search of my mother.

There has to be a project around the house that needs doing.

She was sitting in her rocking chair, watching some kind of talk show and knitting what looked like it might be a sweater for Luz or Marcia. I plopped on the sofa and put my feet on the coffee table with a thump. Then I crossed one ankle over the other and sighed.

“Your father did the exact same thing when he was bored,” my mother said. “It’s a good thing you look more like my side of the family, or I’d think he was haunting me.”

“I need to do something, Ma.”

“I can’t think of anything that needs to be done. You’ve already done anything that needs doing.”

Great.

Maybe I’d go park myself at the diner’s counter and talk to the old men all day.

“We should go Christmas shopping tomorrow,” she said, and I groaned.

That didn’t rank right up there on my list of favorite things to do, but at least it was something.

“We could go today.”

“If we go tomorrow, Ruelle and Drés can go with us. We can go to the big mall in Manchester. Don’t they have that store where you make your own teddy bear? Drés loves stuffed animals.”

I didn’t want to think about Ruelle today. It made me feel disloyal somehow, especially after our moment in the kitchen we’d been pretending never happened for the last five days. We were back to polite small talk now.

But hearing Andrés’ name made me remember I was supposed to help the kid with something after school.

At least there’d be that to do.

“We could have a photo taken at the picture studio, too. Wouldn’t that be fun, Willy? With the four of us?”

Alarm bells suddenly went off in my head.

“Why would we do that?”

She shrugged, keeping her eyes on her knitting.

“I just think it would be nice to have a picture of all of us to frame, that’s all.”

“Don’t go there, Ma. I know Ruelle’s your friend and you enjoy having her son around, but this is not a one big happy family thing going on.”

“It could be.”

I knew it. I knew it!

I should have kept Ruelle and her son at arm’s length from the first time I met them.

“I had a family. I had a wife and a child and I lost them. You can’t just... replace them, Ma.”

“Well of course not” she gave me a look that splintered my heart into a million pieces. “You can never replace those you’ve loved and lost. I could never replace your father, Guillermo. But I’m not going to spend the rest of my life being miserable and pining for him, either.”

It was on the tip of my tongue to challenge that statement. How would she feel if I brought some older guy around, trying to set her up with a new relationship?

But I didn’t say it.

For one thing, I couldn’t stand the thought. My dad had only been gone half a year, and it was too soon to even consider it. And the last thing I wanted was to start a pissing match with my mother over which of us had suffered the most.

My wife and the baby I’d never even got to meet had been killed in a horrific accident. But my mother had been married to my dad for almost forty years. It couldn’t be a competition.

We both hurt. And she was my mother, so of course she wanted to make it better for me. But she couldn’t this time.

“You’re stronger than I am,” I said softly. “I can’t do it again. I can’t... I just can’t.”

“So you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone? Cariño, Delores wouldn’t have wanted that for you.”

I held up my hand and stood.

“Don’t. Not today.”

Her eyes widened and then she closed them for a moment.

“Oh Jesús. I’m sorry, Willy. I forgot. No. I didn’t forget, I just didn’t realize the date today.”

Crap!

Guilt made me sit back down. I wasn’t trying to make my mother feel bad.

“I don’t expect everybody to live their lives around the date, Ma. I’m just a little sensitive today. That’s all.”

“Of course you are. Are you going to go to the cemetery?”

I felt like I should. I’d been thinking about it all morning, but just the thought of the small granite stone made my stomach ache.

'Delores Perez Arriaga & Her Beloved Infant Daughter'

I didn’t feel close to her there. All I felt was sadness and loss looking at that stone and I didn’t want to lay a rose on it, knowing it would begin to wither and brown from the moment I left.

“Andrés made his mom a present at school,” I said instead. “I promised I’d help him wrap it after school today before she gets home from work.”

I scratched my beard.

“And he wants special wrapping paper with some Disney princess on it because she’s her favorite. The one with the long blond hair that has a chameleon and whacks a guy with a frying pan or something. So I’ll probably hit the stores to find some before he gets home.”

“That’s Rapunzel, from Tangled,” my mother said, her lips curving into a smile. “Your nieces are obsessed with all of the princesses, but you might have trouble finding that particular one because that movie came out in two thousand and ten.”

“I’ll find it, Ma” I looked at the clock. “But I guess I should head out now, just in case I have to make the trip to the city for it.”

“Good luck.”

The words were fairly benign, but I didn’t miss the gleam in her eye.

“Stop” I laughed and shook my head. “I’m going to get the kid some wrapping paper. It’s not like he can drive himself to the store.”

“I didn’t say a word.”

“I can practically hear the wheels in your brain turning. I’m just doing the neighbor’s kid a favor, Ma.”

But it turned out to be one hell of a favor. Not a single store in town had wrapping paper with the right princess, so I made the drive to the city. After the second store turned out to be a dead end, I got smart and sat in the parking lot, Googleing and calling around.

Then I called my mom to tell her I wasn’t going to make it back in time to be there when Andrés got home. The boy should hide the gift and we’d wrap it when I got back. If Ruelle showed up, my mother would have to distract her.

A few more Googleing and phone calls later, I found a roll of the damn wrapping paper. After driving to the other end of the world for it, I fought the Friday evening traffic which saw the usual commuters clogged up with skiers heading north.

It was stupid to waste most of a day on wrapping paper.

They’d had Christmas wrapping paper with Disney princesses on it right in my town. But they hadn’t been the right ones and Andrés had insisted the one with the extremely long hair was his mother’s favorite.

I glanced at the roll of paper on the passenger seat and smiled. I just didn’t have it in me to let my boy down.