When you love someone and then lose them it hurts like crazy. The world around you spins and things become complex. You feel drained, lied to and hurt, tortured and broken. Betrayal is a big thing that comes into play especially when you see the one you love with another. Or have you been blinded by the love for one that you don't see another. You don't see the love one holds for you as they watch you love another. Until you do realize and when you do it's far too late to show it. They're gone and you can't do anything to bring them back. All because you were selfish and didn't care for anyone's feelings but your own. Is it being selfish when you are in such pain after centuries of living. That you shut it off and forget everything you feel because of one lover.

Well not so much of a lover but a person you were in love with. They drove you past your breaking point that you became selfish and cold. Your hatred for another grew so strong that you blocked out the others around you. Those in your view that mattered most to you and themselves. The world is a crazy and cruel place to be in of course. You go through so much that you want to stop the pain. But what you don't know is how and the only thought is dying. But can you be so cruel and selfish to those that "love" you by dying. Can you really let someone live through that hurt all because you wanted to go. You thought you were ready but they wanted you to stay.

They needed you to stay but you were blind and became selfish. Being selfish is a choice and sometimes it's hard to not be selfish when your in pain. When you don't see an end to your own suffering and torment. But there is a light at the end of everyone's tunnel you just have to stick around to find it. Fight for it and if you want to stop it's okay but only if it's for the right reasons. Do it for what's right now for what you want it to be right. If you have people around you stay even if it's hard. Don't die all because you lost the love you never had. It's selfish and as strong and hateful as it seems it's true and everyone knows it too. So why wait when you have them beside you all your life. Do you notice it now or when it's too late.

More often then not you notice a moment too late and then it's gone. So you try and forget and forget until you can't remember anymore. If it's downing bottles of liquor or killing in monstrous ways. Killing and killing until you can't kill anything anymore. Until maybe that person could save you once more. Or is it too late and your selfish once more. No one knows the hate you have for yourself until they see it. Until you truly show it and then their gone just like that. So what is it and what does it take to stay. To stay alive for them or yourself what does it take to not be selfish anymore. It takes hard work and dedication, it takes courage and determination. You have to be willing to keep moving forward in life or death whatever this is. Time is key and you only live once well not me.

I lived for seconds, to minutes, hours, days,, weeks, months, years, decades and centuries all over again. Just one right after the October and it's extremely exhausting after a while. After the first year it's not hard then the second and more come. Eventually you've learned that things only change so much. You learn that things can stay the same but change in different ways. It may seem hard but then it gets easier or does it get harder who knows. The truth is no one does, no one knows except for you.