I hate myself. I hate the person I have become. I hate the fact that no one notices that I hate myself. But most of all I hate how it is my fault. 

I deserve the pain I inflict on myself. Because if anyone should be hurt, it should be me. 

I deserve pain for all the pain I have caused people. For the girl, I called fat. For the girl, I slut-shamed. For the shy girl, I yelled at to speak up. 

I deserve to be hurt for giving a disgusted look to the boy who was building up the confidence to ask me something. For the boy, I called ugly. For the people, I have pushed out of the way. For the things, I said about my best friend and ex-boyfriend that started it all. 

I wish this was over, that in one second I could leave, escape, disappear. I don't think people would mind that much. 

I will be known as the highschool bitch that ruined people's lives. I have come to accept the fact that people hate my existence and I have come to the point where I accept the fact that I hate myself. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. The voices in my head used to be silenced when I bullied someone. When I told rumors, stole people’s boyfriends, and when I dictated the cheer squad, the voice would quiet. I was a bully. 

But now the voices have gotten louder and the only way to drown them out is by my headphones blasting with music and me getting the punishment I deserve. 

The hurt I deserve. 

“You are going to be late…..You are now late it is 6:38, you do realize you have school right” 

I scramble to stand up to wash my arms in the sink and put on some bracelets. 

“I am leaving now, mom”

I walk to school every day. Walking to school is one of the few things that give me great joy in my sad, pathetic, lonely life. Every morning I walk to school with my headphones in and music blasting. I am not kidding, I mean every single morning, I can’t remember the last time I didn't take a walk in the morning. It is an amazing way to clear the bad thoughts out of my head. I try to stay away from my thoughts when I am at school or around people because it usually ends up with me panicking and my vision blurred to see the color of red stain on my skin.

Taking a walk and being by myself is the perfect way to prepare.

So maybe my music shouldn’t be so loud and maybe I should be paying attention but I never thought anything bad would happen. I never wanted this to happen. It was never my intention. I want to die but I would never go through with it. I have thought about it often but doing it is something completely different. Just like how my life would be nonexistent if it wasn’t for a boy on that summer day. 

I finally got to school. I switch my sneakers out for heels. I have a lovely reputation to uphold. I wonder what it would be like to just stop and not care about what would happen if I gave up. 

Him. One million things pass through my head when I see him. The boy who saved me. My knight in shining armor the boy that will go down as a hero if anyone knows the truth. A truth that could ruin me. A truth that could take everything out of my life and destroy it in a moment. My truth.

I just want to say something to him. I just want to go up to him and make sure he keeps my secret. I just want to make sure no one knows. 

He is leaned up against the locker with a pencil and sketchbook in hand. I can’t go up and talk to him. I don't know why I can't and I don't know why but there is something stopping me. He is unknown in our school. He is recognized as the depressed art guy. The guy that no one talks to. The guy in the shadows is a no one in our school.

I would love to be a no one

I always have everyone staring at me. If I mess up people know. If I slack off, people know. If my ponytail isn’t peppy enough people know. If I am nice to someone, people know. If I am mean to someone, people know. They always know.

People are scared to talk to me. 

I am the girl in the movies portrayed as the villain as the mean girl, as the brainless cheerleader. You only ever hear the story from the shy girl in the corner but I am not the shy girl. I am a popular girl. I am the one who bullies the shy girl. I am the one that makes the shy girl’s life a living hell.  I hate my past. 

I would like to say they are just rumors. I would like to say I am a nice person. But I’m not. I was mean and loud. I wanted to be seen and known. I don’t anymore but my reputation stuck and now come across as standoffish because of my headphones.

Here I am staring and the loner nobody likes a stalker. I allow myself to look a few seconds more. I notice his tall figure and his lazy position. I am able to see his inky black hair fall in front of his face as he looks at the ground trying to escape everything. He is wearing black. Which in my opinion is very stereotypical and cliche but he is literally the definition of a loner depressed artist but more attractive. 

He could be popular if he wanted. If he wanted he could tell everyone. He could ruin me. He would be popular, girls would notice his obvious looks and guys would envy him and he would be popular. But he hasn’t said anything. I just want him to say and get it over with. I mean sure he doesn't look like the person that wants to be popular or even cares but deep down everyone wants to be seen.

I tear my eyes away from him before I get caught staring and I make my way to my first class. I walk in the middle of the hall and people move. How crazy is that? I made mistakes when I was younger. I did things I regret. I just want people to forget. I look back at myself disgusted. I hate how I don't try to change anything. They make a path for me, they do realize I’m not gonna hurt them right? I remember the day people started fearing me, calling me the queen bee. 

Long story short I was dating a football player (I know head cheerleader dating football player how freaking shocking) my “best friend” hooked up with him. I cut her out of my life and called both of them out. This might seem like “oh whatever.” But I was sick of it. I knew they were getting together. I stood on the table and basically called them out then got everyone to kick them out of the cafeteria.  Ever since then I guess people are scared to wrong me because they think it will result in a public execution. 

I walk into my next class and there is someone in my usual seat. I am not going to lie. I am shocked. I walk up to the dude and before I am 2 feet away he looks up, grabs his bags, and runs to the back. This could be a total power move. And people envy me for it. But  It makes me sick. I would have found a different spot. It is not worth it. Being feared is not worth the consequences. I have no friends, no one wants to talk to me and I am utterly alone. People envy me. Guys want me. Girls stare at me. And everyone is scared of me. And I hate it. 

After a long excruciating hours school is done. I walk to my locker with my headphones in hoping to silence some of the stares and the voices in my head. 

On my way out of school, I noticed him again. 

I don't even know his name. He knows everything and I don't know his name. 

Everyone knows my name. I'm Vanessa Grant the queen bee. Even my name sounds mean. I always thought if I ever had a friend I'd want them to call me V or Nessa, as long as it is not Vanessa. 

In a moment of spontaneity, I run up to him and touch his arm. Well, I try to. I end up touching his forearm but he pulls his arm away and I end up losing balance. In a matter of seconds, I am falling forward. My arms wrap around his waist to keep myself from face planting.

This is just fantastic. I have my arms around his waist and my body is leaning on to him with my face pressed up right above his ass.

Maybe if I stay really still...he won't notice.

Not even a second later he grabs my wrist once we both find balance and rather harshly tugs me off. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to run into you, I just wanted to know your name. I am not a stalker or a weirdo trying to get your name. I just wanted to know because I wanted….well I knew last summer and I wanted to say...”  I was suddenly cut off by him.

“Listen, Vanessa,” he said it was like a disease like it was a bad word. I hate my name  “I know what you did last summer. So, don’t thank me.” 

 “But I just wanted to make sure that….well” man I was having a hard time completing a sentence. I was scared. I was scared of what he would think. It didn’t help that his green eyes felt like they were piercing into my soul. I have never seen such serious eyes. They looked so hurt and lonely. His eyes were dark like he was holding secrets of his own. I wish I could help him hold some of those secrets. 

“If anything you should be scared, I could spill your little secret. I could tell everyone what happened. I could tell everyone what you do. Don’t thank me when I hold your secrets. You should be begging me to keep my mouth shut, not thanking me”

Woah, who would have guessed he was so not quiet. You would expect the loner guy to be shy but he was not shy. He spoke with authority he knew what he wanted and how to get the message across. 

“You are right but if I'm gonna beg for you to keep my secret can I know your name?” jeez this is cliche. But I really wanted to stop calling him a loner artist guy in my head.

“Fine, I am Aiden. I won’t talk about last summer. I won't share your secrets and I don't want to talk to the leader of the school so now you can leave me alone” 

In the movies and books, this is the part where I run after him and say something along the lines of
“I thought you wanted me to beg for my secret, to be kept a secret” and then we would become friends eventually and soon help each other.

I would learn his fears and problems and he would learn mine. Maybe I would become a normal girl in our school. Maybe he would talk more. Maybe people would call me Nessa or V. 

This is the part that leads into the falling in love, the happy ending. 

This is the part where I learn to want to live. 

This is the part where death becomes an unthinkable option but as much as I want it.

God, as much as I want to love someone. 

I am Vanessa Grant, the mean girl. The one people will tell their kids was the bully, the queen be, the girl who had it all. 

The girl who was untouchable. 

So I put my headphones in blasting music and walked away. 

Untouched.