You feel like your going to hell for having questions. When you look at a child with complete, unmoving faith in God, and get jealous. You think, 'How? Why? Why can't I be like that? How are they like that? God, why aren't I like that?' For they have not felt the hardships you have. They have not cried and screamed to the Father for hours on end. They have not begged Him to take the pain away. You pray they never will. I know, friend. I believe you when you say the place of your depression rests in your religion. I believe you when you say you just can't feel Him. I understand you when you say you have been praying, it hasn't been working. I understand something you might not see anymore. I see your love of God. I see your heart full of love for the Father! You just can't reach it. The feelings are becoming buried beneath the pain and the whispers of the devil, but trust me the devil will not prevail, for the LORD can crush it with his pinky finger.
I remember taking a test, and the only thing I'm thinking about, is how I have failed God. How I was going to hell for doubting the faith. The devil was whispering in my ear, screaming in my face, while the LORD had my back. He was holding my hand in his nailed one's saying, "It's okay. You'll get through this, I promise. I'm here. I'll be here. This is an important time for you, just stay strong while I do the rest."
When you are crying, screaming, weeping silently, feeling hollow and have nothing to say but "why, God? Why am I like this? Why won't you save me?", He's next to you, crying. He's next to you, watching this happen, watching His child cry because He knows this is important for your future to shape itself. All the hardships you go through are because He knows they will help you survive. I know it's hard. I know I know I know it's so hard for you to understand, to feel, or to hear Him, but He's there. I can't hear Him, but I know he won't let me fall. He hasn't. When you have doubts, God says, "My child, instead of doubting the faith, doubt the doubts. For those doubts are hollow and serve no other purpose than to scare you. But they are not real. I am here. I am right here. You are okay. I am right here." For He will stay by your side for the rest of your life and afterwards because He loves you! Because you are His! Because He said so. He loves you because you are His. No matter what. He says that.
"You will be okay, because I said so," he says. "Because no matter what hardships you face, I. Am. Here. Now. I. Am. Here. Always." Listen to Him. Your heart is not cold. Your heart is flourishing. Your heart is steadying itself. This is a real thing that people go through. The devil wants to kill the strong in faith. You are very strong and God is protecting you. With God by your side, you can you will do the impossible! You know that! You know that.
"Let go, and I'll do the rest," He tells you. "Let go, and you'll be safe."