I make way down the hall, staring at the stained dark green carpet and endings of popcorn walls as I make my way to the staircase numerous steps away from me. I barely watch out for the feet that belong to my floormates, and avoid tripping on anyone's polished shoes. I can't even stand up straight, and my eyes are glued to the ground like there are hidden codes written across the floor.

"Priscilla?" I hear someone ask. I know who it is.

Great, now they're stalking me.

I look up for the first time in that very short walk, and I make instant eye contact with Rowan. They're staring at me all innocently, tightly tugging on a short string that's been pulled from their navy rib-knit sweater with their grey nail-polished fingers and persistently tapping one of their leather black boots on the ground. Their light brown hair has been growing out more, and I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to run my hands through it once more.

Probably not.

"Hey, what's up?" I try to say all nicely, faked innocence in my voice like I haven't seen all of their texts.

"I came up to check up on you," Rowan tells me.

"Why?"

"You've been ignoring me."

I can't do this right now. Can't I at least have a few days before I get started on my quest to being a better human?

"I have a test tomorrow, I don't have time for this," I say to them right away, and I attempt to walk around them but they make their best effort to block off the remaining distance with their arms as if I don't have any other options.

"Time for what? Your girlfriend?"

That came out the wrong way, but also. . . I don't remember us ever very clearly defining our relationship status. We never really had a real conversation about it.

I shrug, and practically plead with them like I'm a pathetic joke begging for some kind of response, "can we talk about this tomorrow?"

I'll fix everything with them. Tomorrow. I need time to figure out what I even want to say and how I can break it to them. 

"Priscilla, if you're playing a game with me then just tell me," they say loudly.

Someone passes by us, walking down the hallway, and awkwardly makes their way around Rowan's small scene with a meek, "excuse me."

Rowan flinches, thrown off by the presence of another person but instantly returns to their stern gaze as they tell me, "I don't think I like you very much right now."

"What do you want me to do about that? I said we can talk about it tomorrow."

"No! I've been very patient with you, and you've been ghosting me."

They're trying to play their emotions off as anger, but I can tell in their eyes that they're hurt. By me. I did this to them. Maybe my journey to working on myself as a person can just start now, no preparation needed. 

"I don't want to date you," I finally tell them plainly, fully aware that I don't have a choice at this point.

I had tried to avoid saying that the moment they confessed their feelings, and it comes out of me so easily now. Maybe I don't care, or maybe I've simply lost my own ability to shut up. Either way, it's not how I wanted it to come out. If Rowan had just let me go, I could have come up with something better.

They roll their eyes, and say, "I assumed that was the case. Then why sleep with me? Did you change your mind? Or did you just never like me that way?"

So many questions.

"Do we seriously have to do this in the hallway?" I ask them.

I know that I'm the one that owes them some explanation, as if any of my reasons can help them feel better. Words from a fraud can't do much good for anyone, but it's what Rowan blindly wants to hear.

I just don't understand why it has to be right here in this moment. Walls are thin and people are ready to gossip like children, people never grow up.

"You're a terrible person, you know that right?" Rowan declares as if I'm so incredibly unaware of my own flaws.

"I can't change how I feel, I'm sorry."

"You're right, you can't change how you feel. But you chose to lead me on and right now, you're choosing to be a horrible person."

Terrible. Horrible. What's next?

"Like I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't be your perfect girlfriend or even be a decent friend. I'm sorry that I made you think I liked you. I'm sorry that I'm just an awful person."

I wish that I could be different. I thought that things would go differently with Rowan, maybe I would eventually share their dramatic feelings of love and feel like I'm not always the problem. They would have cared for me, I could have become better because of them. But that's not their job, and it's my fault for expecting everyone to magically tolerate every single bad decision I make.

People with pure intentions don't end up with people like me, and Rowan knows they deserve so much better. They tell me, "are you seriously trying to get some pity from me right now? You sound fake. I'm done listening to your problems, I don't care about Delilah. I did everything to try to convince you to get over her so you could be with me instead, but I've realized now that Delilah broke up with you for a reason."

The last part only frustrates me, were they ever looking out for me? They didn't actually care about helping me recover from that heartbreak, they had their ulterior motive in mind the entire time. I would have done the same though, that's the funny part since it means we're alike in that aspect at least. I know it's not the point, but I can try to use it against them if I try hard enough. 

"It's so nice to hear that you were tearing down my ex-girlfriend just so you could get in my pants," I tell Rowan on purpose, hoping that it'll distract them.

They're instantly taken aback, but take less than a second to say, "it wasn't about sex a-a-and unlike you, I didn't lie to you and use you for it!"

I don't like their words, and I don't like the way they're making me feel right now. I don't want to think about it that way- that I just used Rowan for sex. 

But I did. 

I did lie to them. I may not have said I was in love with them, but I didn't say I wasn't either. Sleeping with them was like a confirmation that their feelings were returned. In their eyes, we were dating because of that. And in their eyes, I'm now a monster. 

I don't know when my need to defend myself at all costs will go away, but at least right now, it doesn't kick in again. I can't protect myself from the truth, I can't make anyone else pay the price for my own actions. I always talk about how Rowan is so kind and helpful, why would I try to hurt someone like them even more?

We're still in the hallway, there's still random people that come around every once in a while to get past us, but I don't care much anymore. I spill my heart out to Rowan like I'm an inconsolable child, "I'm sorry. I did use you and I manipulated you and I tried to make you feel bad about what I did. Delilah did break up with me for a reason, and I've tried so hard to avoid actually facing what that reason was. But I see it now, and it's the same reason why you hate me now. I'm sorry! Ok? I'm sorry. I'm just so. . . sorry. You deserve so much better than me and I'm sorry for what I did to you. I clearly didn't think about how it would make you feel if you know the truth, and I would undo what I did if I could."

I like to think I've changed, but Delilah was right about me holding onto all these old habits. I always want to keep pushing until I get what I want, but it can't be done anymore. Everyone has caught on to the type of person I am, even one of my floormates who makes eye contact with me at the end of the corridor and slowly shakes his head at me. Well, I deserve that. 

Rowan just stares at me, and seems in disbelief that I've actually confessed to everything. 

I tell them, "you can yell at me again. You can do whatever- I know I messed up and I'm sorry."

They take another second to process everything, and stare at me blankly as they say, "I don't want to ever see or talk to you again. That's all I want because I don't want anything to do with you."

And they walk away. 

They're incredibly fast at walking, and they're out of my line of sight in a minute as I think about what the fuck just happened. Another friendship gone because I refused to admit the truth about how I felt. We could have stayed friends in another universe, clearly it'll never happen in this one.

And I just feel like shit. 

Was the satisfaction from sleeping with them worth all of this? It sure fucking wasn't. Everything is just sinking in, and I hate myself. I pushed everyone away and I'm just left with my own miserable thoughts. 

I take a deep breath, and I walk back to my room to cry again even though I know Madison will be annoyed. When I arrive, she looks at me with an uncomfortable expression and says, "I feel like I just learned about you in the last 10 minutes. I'm assuming no to the party?" 

"Definitely not," is all I tell her before I collapse onto my bed and throw all of my belongings to the ground without a care. 

Nothing matters. What else is even left for me in life?