TW: Irresponsible use of alcohol

If I could wipe away the memories that took place on December 7th from my mind, I would easily do so. I would burn them and throw them into the small but thriving river that's located on the north side of campus. I would watch as the memories would destroy themselves with the other contents that are frequently thrown in by other students.

It isn't that simple though. Instead, I'll rely on something else.

The small bottle of clear liquid in my hands seems meaningless to others, but it's everything to me. It makes me forget. It makes the sounds and the colors of this world calmer. I think I'm more relaxed with it. The innocent blue label on this bottle becomes more and more shiny as I look at it, focusing on the way the letters seem to explode with a touch and become nonexistent. It might be smaller than the ones I've been purchasing the past two weeks, but it's just as great.

I'll be leaving tomorrow for winter break, so I know this is the last drink I'll be having for a while. My mom can always tell if something is off with me, it's like some superpower of hers. It's not that I think that drinking means I'm 'off,' but that's what it would mean for my mom. I think she cares too much.

I finish packing up my last suitcase with sets of clothes that I can take home for the next few weeks that I already know will be a pain to pack up again once I come back. I leave the textbooks that I was going crazy over last week in my desk, and I look over everything in my room to make sure I'm not missing anything.

I don't think I am, so I finally take the time to take a real break from packing as I lay down on my now empty bed. Not much has happened recently.

Other than picking up that small drinking habit, but it's okay. Finals came and went. I can't say they went too badly at least, it's probably the only highlight of my college year so far. I'm not looking forward to much else.

I send Nina a quick text with multiple gifts and excited face emojis as I tell her I hope she enjoys the holidays. She lives close by and is already at her home, living in peace without having to deal with chaotic airports and having to purchase tickets at very specific times for the benefit of cheaper prices. I might be jealous of her for that.

Madison left yesterday and is already at her dad's mansion according to her Instagram stories. She took a first class trip back to her home in the Southern region of the country where snow and low temperatures are rare. I might also be jealous of her for that.

I can imagine Delilah would say, 'don't compare. Completely different fields and industries.'

I take another sip out of this bottle, and then I set it down by my side. It's almost over with too, but I figure I should make it last for the rest of the day. And then a wise idea pops into my head that second.

I look through Delilah's Instagram account that she unfollowed me on, and I look at one of her newest posts.

 It's her smiling on some green grassy hill as she prepares to run down to the rest of her family. There's a few adults in the background that I recognize from a few years ago, and I wonder if those are the family friends who took a chance on her parents again. The ones who rescued them from their failures.

I notice that she has Los Angeles chosen as the location where the picture was taken, and I know it's fitting. That was the place she usually ran away to when she would convince her parents to let her fly out on her own. She would fly to LA in the dark without letting me know, it's the only thing that could probably ever make her happy. It's a peaceful place for her, I'm surprised she'd let other people in on it. 

People in the comments are saying random things, and I frown when I realize that I recognize one of the names. It's this girl, Andrea, from my middle school who was on the chess team. I don't recall Delilah ever talking to her much, but I guess I didn't know a lot of stuff. It's a meaningless statement, but it annoys me.

How did Andrea find her account? Did she just stumble on the account after it was created, or did she keep in contact with Delilah all along?

I wouldn't be surprised if Delilah just kept talking to everyone but me. The one she called her best friend but couldn't even bother being honest with.

This is all bullshit.

I close out of her account, and I shut my phone off. I glance down at the bottle on my side, and I take it all down in one sip. It's not like it was that much anyway.

I'll be fine by tomorrow. Sober, I mean. But I'm not sure I'm too happy about that. I know my mom would be if she knew about this situation though, so I think that might make me come back from this strange state of mind. But, she still cares too much.

I just hate these dumb memories and the way they make me feel.

I hate Delilah.