The light hit her closed eyelids, birds started to chirp insatiably loud. She was going to kill every last one of them, at least in Hybern there were no fucking birds besides the occasional seagull, but they all learnt their lesson as soon as Shaera started to pick them off one by one.  The dark-haired woman groaned and shoved her head deeper into the pillow.  She hadn't slept one bit. Her bladder remained unbearably full

"Sleep well?" Azriel's voice questioned, her eyes snapped open, she sneered in his direction

"Go fuck yourself" the Illyrian snorted.

Besides her need to piss the metal around her wrists had started to rub and irritate as the night progressed. Shaera missed her bed. Her neck was bruised and her throat was sore. Birds flew past the open window. Fucking birds.  Madja walked into the room. Shaera flung herself off the bed 

"Madja! Please I'm going to piss myself!" The healer stopped at the door, a plate of food in her left hand Ferin following behind two plates balanced on her palms. 

"There's a chamber pot under your bed" Shaera's jaw nearly hit the floor, her nose scrunched up in disgust. She flopped back down onto the bed. Azriel burst out laughing the noise bouncing off the walls.

"I can't piss in a chamber pot..."

"You're a snob" Shaera bared her teeth at him before she turned her gaze back to the healers. Madja placed the plate of bread and cheese onto the bed. Azriel's plate was filled with eggs, toast, grapes and bacon. The Illyrian man must have seen her envious expression, he smirked and picked up a piece of bacon, shoving it into his mouth. 

"Prick" she grumbled and grabbed a piece of cheese.
The healer came over and unlocked her cuffs, as they fell away she sighed, her wrists were red as hell. 

"There's a bathroom with a toilet across the hall" Shaera grinned at the woman with glee before she sprinted off out the room and across the hall.

*******
Shaera had finished her long-needed piss...It was a fantastic piss might she add. She hummed as she padded her way back across the hall and back into the infirmary. The sun now sat further up in the sky, tendrils of light bounced around the open space, the heat was sublime, she sighed. Peace. But as they say, peace is often rare and short-lived. The dark-haired woman settled her gaze on the high lord of the night court who stood by Madja, his arms were crossed as he stared in her direction, they were talking about her. Madja's eyes flickered from her and Rhysand.

On that note she swiftly shuffled across the room and back to her bed, the cream dress swirled around her feet her black curls flowing behind her like tar. Shaera dived towards the soft mattress careful not to knock over the plate.
The plate.
She did a double-take.
A singular piece of bacon sat glistening next to the bread. She gasped and snatched it from the wood surface. Shaera rammed the piece into her mouth and groaned in pure pleasure, she flopped back onto her pillow. Her cuffs remained lonesome beside her. She'd have to put them back on soon she supposed. The bacon was chewed until it could be chewed no more, Shaera begrudgingly swallowed it and reluctantly slid her eyes over to Azriel who was laying back on the bed, his bare arms resting under his head...
he had nice arms...the sun hit his tanned skin in all the right places, the smallest of stubble decorated his angular jaw. His hair was almost as dark as her own and that too fell in all the right places. He hummed his eyes remained closed

"I give you a piece of bacon and now you're drooling over me" Shaera scoffed

"I wasn't drooling, I was simply... spying"

"That's my job"

"You're not funny" 

"I'm hilarious"  Now he was quoting her, bastard. She sneered at him and grabbed the piece of bread launching it in his direction. Azriel's arm snapped up and caught it, his eyes remained closed. Then they opened, his head turned and he smirked at her. His usual hazel eyes appeared gold as the sun shone on his face. Then the smirk dropped, he placed the bread down on the side table.  A shadow was cast over Shaera. Rhysand. He stared down at them both. Shaera sat up slightly. 

"Madja don't take her cuffs off again-" The high lord stated as he glanced down at the cuffs beside her he  then brought his gaze up to meet her own
"Get dressed, we've got a lot to discuss." He shifted his gaze to Azriel whose expression hardened, the shadows linger nodded and angled himself towards his injured comrade and away from Shaera. So Rhysand could speak to people like she could before her powers were stolen.
Azriel didn't look at her again for the time she remained there.

***********
Shaera now wore light brown 3/4 length pants and a large white shirt that hung off her. The pants were
tight around her thighs seeing as she didn't exactly have the skinniest of legs... She grumbled to herself. High fae women were so proportional and perfect. She was two inches too short and wide-hipped...Now she was self-conscious again. As she trailed behind Rhysand, (who she just figured out was a fucking giant) they had passed so many beautiful women, all glowing and celestial.
Shaera loved women.
They came to a wooden door which had decorative golden symbols littered on the front, the handle ordained with a bird's head. Shaera was convinced birds followed her everywhere. The door opened to reveal Morrigan and Amren seated at a table, papers scattered before them. Rhysand cleared his throat, and both their heads snapped up. 

"Sit" she didn't know if he was talking to her but she made her way over to one of the empty oak seats and lowered herself into it. The room was quite large and elongated, a good dozen bookshelves lines around the walls, the contents a range of sizes and ages. A sheepskin rug was sprawled out after the table, chairs covered with pillows and blankets sat around, an unlit fireplace was to the left of the seating area. Rhysand sat across from her, Morrigan beside him and Amren on the end.

"So... what do you want to know..." She leaned back in the chair the cuffs rested on her lap. 

"Everything" steel grey clashed with black. Shaera shuddered slightly... that woman was fucking terrifying. The ex-commander sighed and clicked her fingers. 

"Right then... how do I put this lightly...-" she cleared her throat and smiled 

"-You're fucked" Rhysand growled in her direction 

"That's not information" Shaera stared at him 

"Fine you want information. Hybern after the Great War, that's about what? Five hindered years give or take, let's just say ever since then he's been building his army. Conquering lands to the west, forming alliances, pissing around with the cauldron and studying the book which opened a door to several extremely powerful spells-" Morrigan's brow began to crease, Amren's face remained passive, and Rhysand's eyes sparked with worry 

"-Do you know how many soldiers one can train in 500 years? Legions upon legions, and that's not even accounting for the Attor or the allies, or even those in Prythian who are sitting and waiting to rise and draw arms against you-"  she paused 

"-And I'm not even going to get started on the state of the courts right now-" she melted further into the chair 

"-You. Are. Fucked" Shaera turned her head towards the bookshelf by the door

"How many legions exactly?" Morrigan asked from across the table. Shaera didn't know... it's not like she stood around counted... she hummed and turned to the blonde fae 

"Wild guess? 200 give or take" Morrigan turned to look at Rhysand who frowned in Shaera's direction 

"What was your strategy?" She laughed out loud 

"Well, we weren't exactly planning on sneaking through the back door, not with that many soldiers behind us..." She sighed and pursed her lips

"Look, if you want any sort of chance against Hybern you need to rally the rest of the courts... that's something we hoped you'd never do, one High Lord is a pain in the arse enough, let alone seven"Amren cut her off

"Or you want us to gather all the high lords so you can take them out in one go" Shaera leant her head back and groaned 

"The king wanted to kill me, I'm pretty sure you lot want to kill me, what do I have to gain exactly from eradicating the High Lords" 

"The king's favour," Amren said 

"And your powers"  Morrigan continued 

"And your position" Rhysand concluded. Shaera shrugged 

"I don't have my powers no, but for the first time in 500 years my head is silent and I can think... maybe after this war is over, I can find something worthy time besides leading armies and killing people " Shaera hadn't thought about a future after the way, it was a change. She felt the High Lord lurk on the edge of her mind. Prowling like a lion to the hunt. 

"Don't" the high lord and the ex-commander stared each other down until Rhysand straightened and retreated from her mind. He stood from his seat and walked around the table. He towered over her, Shaera moved her head up to meet his gaze, he grabbed her chained wrist and unlocked the cuffs, the metal fell and hit the ground with a loud bang. She frowned 

"You will get free reign of the Townhouse, and the infirmary, that's it" 

"RHYSAND" Morrigan exclaimed and jumped from her seat 

"-that's our place and-" Rhysand cut her off 

"-and the only place she can't possibly run from without getting noticed and caught" he continued for her, the high lord turned to look at Morrigan 

"This isn't the court of nightmares cousin"  The blonde fae stalked around the table and poked the man in the chest 

"She was still the commander of Hybern, and part of the reason Feyre is with Tamlin  and why Cassian and Azriel are where they are, you can't forgive everyone who's ever wronged you!" Rhysand faltered for a moment 

"I can try" Morrigan scoffed, Shaera stood before them rather awkwardly. 

"So what you'd forgive the king now?" The high lord faltered the blonde woman gestured to the ex-commander 

"They're different sides of the same coin Rhysand!" The man waved a dismissing hand to her and stalked out the room. 

"So-" The breath was knocked out of her as Morrigan shoved her against the bookshelf, 

"If you so much as step a toe out of line, you'll find yourself in the deepest coldest cell I can find-" the blonde fae hissed 

"-And that's a promise" Shaera went to retort but clamped her mouth shut and nodded, Morrigan backed away and returned to her seat 

"Go back to Madja" Shaera just stood there for a second. Barely 30 minutes ago she had to be cuffed and escorted everywhere and now she could just "go back" to the healing room without a single soul watching her... oh she could leg it, she was a fast runner, unnaturally fast. She nodded again and walked out the door, quickly grabbing a book as she left. Small loophole... she wasn't in the townhouse yet... Shaera marched down the hall the book clutched in her hand grinning to herself.

That evening she spent again in the infirmary for the last time, Cassian still hadn't woken and Azriel had pretty much taken to ignoring her. Which was fine... he didn't owe her anything... besides his life maybe. Arsehole. Shaera stared down at the pages of her book. 200-year-old battle strategies were exactly what she wanted to read. She hated herself for not reading the spine quickly before she grabbed it. The dark-eyed woman did try to read it, she tried so hard, but by the 16th page, she was debating whether or not to end it all. It's as though the universe said "you wanted to be a commander so have this!" Queue thousands of strategy books descending upon her. She snorted to herself and then placed the book on the side. Shaera turned over and went to sleep, free from cuffs and the need to piss.

The ex-commander spent the week at the townhouse, walking around the building, snooping in people's rooms, and most of the time sat reading by the fireplace. When anyone did visit they didn't utter a single word, besides the occasional sneer from Morrigan, but hey who could blame her, she too would be pissed if the enemy was sprawled out on a chair in her home. Shaera was given a small room near Amren's.  She often found herself speeding past the short woman's room in fear she may actually be in there. It was silly and she knew it, but the voice in the back of her head screamed danger and she tended to take that as a hint to be cautious. She was never in the room though... none of them were, Shaera was lonely.

Sometimes Rhysand would come and winnow them to the room they all met in before and then she'd have to waffle about minor strategies and ideas she'd presented to the king. With the disclaimer that they'd all probably be changed now, she had been taken. Rhysand took all the information in anyways nodding his head as she spoke. Shaera had to draw battle formations, and layouts and write down any soldier that would hold any sort of threat, it was draining. Though after those meetings she was allowed to go see Madja, she was almost certain the woman started to enjoy her company. Shaera would sit on a chair by the window and when Madja did get a break she would come and sit by her. They'd talk about foods, clothes, likes, dislikes, and places they'd one day like to see. She'd learnt the elderly woman was partial to figs and strawberries and would like to visit summer court one day.

Over the course of the week, she'd even laughed a few times, she hadn't laughed so often in a long time. Shaera chose to ignore Azriel's glances every time she let out a laugh, smile or just about do anything he'd left the care of the healers 2 days after her so he now lurked around the townhouse every now and then before disappearing for hours at a time. The ex-commander felt content, or even happy. The bruise had faded around her neck its colouring only slightly yellow, her back felt fantastic, and the wound on her leg was completely healed. It was funny what a week could do. Cassian still hadn't woken, every time someone visited anxiety seeped from their pores like they were all stuck waiting for something to happen. Midway through the week Shaera had even gone and spoken to him well... spoken at him, when no one was there obviously, she was sorry about what had happened to his wings,  that she didn't get in the way sooner and she hoped he'd awaken soon. 7 days was a long time when one had absolutely nothing to do.

**********
Cassian woke up 12 days into her stay, his wings were wrapped and still torn in many places, but healing, he would fly again. Shaera had smiled when she heard that from her corner in the infirmary.

*********
Azriel, Rhysand, Morrigan and Amren had all rushed to where Cassian was, they stood crowded around his bed, relief adorned all their features, they talked and laughed for hours while Shaera spent her time with Madja yet again. She was pretty sure she'd now throw her life down for that woman. She was magnificent, so wise and kind. 

"They won't be leaving for a few hours my dear" the healer stated as she looked up from her box of herbs, Shaera hummed in acknowledgement 

"I know, I don't mind" she shifted her gaze up from her book, meeting the woman's wise gaze 

"Well if you do get tired, you're welcome to sleep in your first bed" She smiled warmly at Shaera who grinned in return 

"Chamber pot excluded" Madja teased, Shaera snorted a laugh left her lips. 

"Thank you Madja... for everything" The healer nodded and leaned forward grasping the ex commanders hand squeezing it gently. Cassian's voice erupted through the calmness of the room like a lion's roar 

"IS THAT THE CURLY-HAIRED BITCH?" Shaera snapped her head around and stared at him, she was unsure whether he wanted to attack her verbally or physically, so she cleared her throat

"Curly haired bitch is present and accounted for" Cassian beckoned her over, Shaera stood up and plopped her book down onto the chair and walked cautiously over to the loud Illyrian, she stopped a meter or so away between Amren and Azriel, and rose an eyebrow in his direction. He beckoned her closer, Shaera scrunched her nose and stepped closer, he lurched forward and snagged her wrist, yanking her forward she fell next to him, he then grabbed her cheeks and slammed his lips onto hers.... it was an extremely overdramatic peck on the lips if anything, Shaera let out a noise of surprise, Cassian pulled away and ruffled her hair. 

"You..." he started

"You beautiful woman!!!" He pulled her into his chest, Shaera's eyes were as wide as saucers... what the fuck was happening. His mouth was next to her ear 

"Thank you" Cassian whispered, the jokey undertone gone. Shaera understood and moved her arms around him just lower than the base of his wings 

"I'd never wish a wingless life to any Illyrian" she whispered in reply and released him. Shaera stood from the bed and backed away. Azriel had a deep thrown on his face as he stared at the floor. 

"Don't look at me like that, I have my reasons"  he addressed his court and winked at her, she smiled softly and shook her head. Shaera then turned and padded over to her spot, she thought she heard a low growl come from Azriel as she went but shook her head. Ignoring him once more.

*********
2 weeks, it had been two weeks. Azriel still ignored her, Amren only observed her in their meetings, Morrigan hated her,  Rhysand tolerated her, and Cassian, well he'd taken to throwing things at her from across the infirmary... First, it was grapes, then it was bread. She didn't mind he was bored, She didn't care until a book slammed itself into the side of her skull. Madja jumped. Shaera fell off her chair. And Cassian's laughter roared around the room. She stood and glared at the howling Illyrian. She growled  picked up the book and stalked toward him 

"I will shove this so far your arse you'll be shitting  chapters for a week" she threw the book on the bed, Cassian grinned 

"Feisty Hybern commander" he retorted Shaera glowered at him. The guard posted by the door straightened slightly.

"Oh I'll show you fucking feisty" Cassian smirked 

"Please do" he leant back and propped his arms under his head. Her jaw slacked. 

"You're a pig " She stated, Cassian grinned 

"Whatever you say sweetheart"  Shaera tutted and picked up the book, she sent it barreling towards his face before sprinting out the room, she heard Cassian's yelp of pain from a small way down the corridor. Shaera laughed, she was due to meet with Rhysand in about 10 minutes anyway.

**************
The meeting had finished, Morrigan and Amren didn't grace them with their presence this time, so it was only Shaera and Rhysand, sat around a table as she filled him in on everything she knew about Dagdan and Brannagh. She could see the high lord was growing anxious each day that passed, Feyre was still in spring court and therefore with Hybern. Shaera knew she'd be fine, Tamlin wouldn't hurt her or allow anyone else to do so...as much of a psycho as he was. One thing was for certain, he loved Feyre. Shaera shuddered, she could still feel his touch on her skin. Rhysand concluded the meeting early, saying something along the lines of "that's all he needed today" she didn't complain, it meant she could go back to Madja, and now Cassian, she pondered whether she preferred him asleep or awake. He was quiet when he was asleep, but he was the only one who seemed to ignore her past, and simply speak to her as a person. Much like Azriel did until... he decided not to anymore. She didn't deserve Cassian's favour, yet she rather enjoyed his boisterous loud company as much as he enjoyed her sarcastic, angry comments.

*************

Shaera walked down the hall lost in thought, a book in her hand 'Constellations: mysteries and secrets'. She shouldn't have let her guard down, she had grown complacent in those two weeks. Comfortable. Someone grabbed her arm, they yanked her through the door her book dropped from her grasp. Cold metal hit her throat. Knife. The room was dark. She squinted her breath shallowed.

"Heard you're the commander of Hybern"  Shaera stared into the man's eyes, they were brown. She swallowed, the dark-haired woman couldn't see anything to grab, it was so fucking dark. Dark. And small. And cold. Her chest constricted, Shaera's head spun. She couldn't be in here, her breathing slowly grew more rapid.

"So I'm right" the man mused pushing the knife harder against her throat. Shaera wasn't even thinking about the knife or the man. Voices she didn't know entered her mind, she heard screaming, her screaming. She pushed herself further into the wall. 

"Not so talkative now, are you?" Shaera's eyes welled with tears. Tears. She couldn't cry. No. She was pretty sure she was having a full-blown panic attack...  she felt the man bring his mouth closer to her ear

"Did you order the attack on Ghendia?" Her eyes widened. The small village on the coast of Prythian, a safe town for those fleeing Hybern. She had. They were harbouring soldiers that had deserted the army. It was a necessity. 

"Do you know how many women and children were slaughtered?" He pushed the knife harder, blood slipped down her neck. Shaera was trying to block out her panic, but her eyes burned, her breath constricted, she couldn't breathe. He held out something in front of her... a picture. A red-haired woman was sitting on a beach with a small baby in her arms 

"Look at them!" He had tears running down his face, 

"She hadn't even seen her first winter!" Shaera wheezed her head spun with the lack of oxygen 

"Yes.-" She whispered. The man stopped, it was happening again, the anger, the rage. it slithered up her spine like a serpent. She didn't want to hurt him. 

"-I watched as they burned your village to the ground-" Shaera paused. Shut up, shut up. She couldn't stop herself. It was like everything that happened over those two weeks slipped away in a matter of seconds. Then there she was again. The commander of Hybern. The man stared at her in a daze
"-You should've heard their screams-" She grinned the man was frozen. Shaera's vision went red, she kicked off the wall and tackled him, both bodies slamming through the wood door and into the hall.  The knife clattered across the stone. She growled and dug her nails into his eyes. He screamed. Shaera straddled him her hands pulled back and fastened around his throat. He no longer looked like the brown-eyed man. It was him, the man with the green eyes from the cauldron. He gasped and clawed at her hands. Shaera could feel the cold metal of his armour under her thighs. It's not him. It's a guard. The guard from the infirmary. Stop it. She squeezed harder. This is why she grew to outrank Amarantha, the redhead lacked her rage, her blood lust. Shaera tried to keep it in check, douse it in sarcasm, humour and expensive tastes, but deep down it was always there, clawing at the back of her mind. The battles she'd fought, the thousands she'd killed, it had cursed her in the end. Everything comes with a price. The man's fight slackened, deep scratches decorated her arms blood truckled from the wounds, the pain none existent. She grinned down at the fae man's dying form. She didn't want to do it... perhaps this is what she was, she couldn't be anything but a monster.

Then she was tackled. Large hands pressed her shoulders to the ground. Shaera growled again and fought against the hold. Voices were muffled she heard the man above her shouted at the others around, 

"Shaera!" She kicked her legs. That wasn't her name. Her arms clawed into the man's face. 

"SHAERA" the ex-commander heaved. Her vision cleared. Above her was Azriel. His face was decorated with thick scratches. She frowned 

"W-what..." the man that was on the floor beside her no longer had blonde hair or green eyes. In its place, brown locks remained. His eyes... oh no his eyes, blood pooled from the sockets. She didn't mean to, her mouth opened but nothing came out 

"Shaera look at me" her dark eyes snapped to Azriel's hazel. 

"What happened" no anger, no hate... just concern 

"I didn't-his eyes- I didn't mean to, it was him." Her breath was still rapid and heaving. 

"Who Shaera?" She shook her head and closed her eyes. She felt Azriel place one arm under her knees and the other around her back. The floor fell away as she was lifted into his arms. Her head rested in the crook of his neck

"the man from the cell"

"What man?" His chest rumbled as he spoke, she paused her hand gripped onto his shirt, 

"He took them" she choked, tears welled again. 

"My wings"  She felt Azriel let out a shaky breath through his nostrils as he tightened his grip instinctively.

—————————————————
Words: too fucking many, 4385
2 in the morning, I said I'd have it done yesterday but I was busy researching dates. And information, for plot purposes. Even made a timeline 😌
I've agreed (with myself) that Feyre was gone for 8 weeks aka 2 months, Google doesn't give me answers, the fandom doesn't give me answers and I'm not skimming 151 pages to maybe find an answer. I based it on the fact bones take 6 weeks to get strong again after breaking, so 8 weeks of Cassian's wings will be decent because when she returns Cassian's wings are better-ish I think.

Edit update 12th of March: forgot I was meant to be editing and got caught up in my own story, as ya do. Anywho not much had to be changed besides a few spelling mistakes... but I might have missed stuff so you never know.

Edited: 11th of May 2022, Grammarly is so great, why have I been reading through trying to spot mistakes... why have I been living this lie:) 

I don't even know anymore :)
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Thanks for reading