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1 6 | Until There Was You

There was something about sitting in a confined space with Waverly Clarke that was benevolent beyond theory. Maybe, it was the light of the sun blazing across them through the window like a blanket of security, or it was the fake stars plastered on her ceiling, coexisting with an extraordinary sky—a sky that cried possibilities.

It was a sky Jude didn't mind tumbling into. A sky that could have been the reason Jude was so captivated when it came to something as small as her bedroom. It was her little haven of privacy, hints of her inner world. Bare. Deliberate. Whimsical.

Jude hadn't thought about the things that were occurring in his life since he entered her room. It worked in his favor because he was no longer indecisive and remorseful when he followed her down the hall into the curve of her room, where the walls plowed with vibrancy and wanderlust. Waverly was eating her infamous combination, the one she was known for, rubbing how tasty it was in Jude's face. He wasn't missing out on anything, maybe a sick stomach, but he preferred not having to puke his insides out, or the consequences that came with such a disgrace. What sane person would eat something as abominable as that? Moments after she retrieved the odd mix, she used the remote to flick the television on. A perfect distraction. His mind was practically towering away from reality.

Alongside him, Waverly continued to change the channel, leaning over the edge of the bed to dip her cookies ever so often. Jude looked at the action out of his peripheral vision, hoping that she would decide on something soon. A sudden vibration occurred in the pocket of his jeans, and it made his attention span shorter by the second. He found himself keen on answering his phone to see who it was. His mother's name popped up. His whole world flipped upside down. Shit. This unfamiliar burning sensation tapped at his fingertips, kissing his eyelids and scathing his complexion. All he could feel was anger as he stared down at the shaking screen. His hands balled into fists and he was milliseconds from throwing his phone across the room. Out of sight, out of mind, was his logic.

When her name started to fade, a text simultaneously flowed in, asking Jude where he was. Jude knew then he didn't have a choice. So, he texted her saying he was spending the night at a friend's house. He stared at the keyboard where he typed and his fingers danced in dismay. He didn't know how to feel, couldn't grasp it, but it felt like his chest was burning.

There was a dying galaxy in Jude's body, tethering and pulling at the seams where his fingertips craved a spark. He was keen on existing and not existing in a beautifully tragic way. And in that particular moment he wasn't sure which he preferred, but peace was what won the battle. He stole a glimpse of the t.v and saw Waverly settling on a channel, leaning back on the pillows she moved in order to get a better view of her television.

"What's this?" Jude asked, referring to the film that was currently playing. Everything about it screamed unfamiliar. Jude could outwardly say he had no idea what the hell he was watching, and if that made him sound like an idiot so be it.

"The Theory of Everything," she pitched out, placing another cookie into her mouth, drowned in the orange substance. Jude reared his eyes away from the sight. "You haven't seen this?"

He shook his head.

"You're missing out," she replied. "It's about Stephen Hawking. The physicist."

She tried explaining, but nothing familiar popped in his head. His confusion was written in his face and Waverly almost sensed this.

"Just watch the movie," she sighed. "No phones either," she added, snatching Jude's phone from his clutch. His eyes knitted together out of confusion, trying to make sense of the situation.

"This is ridiculous," he grumbled, looking in the direction where Waverly placed his phone.

"You're ridiculous," she clapped back and Jude huffed and leaned back next to Waverly on the pillow. In this proximity, they had been closer than they ever were before, and somehow Jude's heart started exploding and bleeding in his chest as he watched the movie. It was like that for two hours and ten minutes, which was an estimated amount of time the movie had been on, and just as the credits came rolling in Jude realized the movie's entire purpose. It was as if his eyes were registering the hints and memories of his own life toward his brain.

Life transfuses with time. His existence is a battle against time. It implied that the theory of everything can apply to the existence of time as it coexists with life. Jude didn't get that the first time watching it, so Waverly explained it to him. She also included how one of the critics insinuated that the film was a piece of biopic banality. In that moment of epiphany, though, Jude could feel his mind roaming to the greater depths of the unknown. His mind soared through glimpses of his own life and where it had led him. There. Then, next to Jude Waverly said in a low voice, "Look around, Jude. Look at our existence."

Her face turned to look at Jude, and nothing but seriousness laced her features. Jude never noticed this before, but her eyelashes had been long and curly, grazing her eyebrows when she looked up. Her hair had been covering her cheeks as she stared back at him. She was so pretty, so beautiful. His heart was booming out of this world, but his thoughts didn't wander elsewhere. Not to his parents. Not to Beverly. Not to Seth. But to Waverly.

Her mink eyes were fixated on his foggy ones, foregoing journeys and adventures through the transition. Then, his eyes lowered to her lips. He stopped himself because he wasn't thinking rationally. She was so close, and they were whimsical, and he was slightly horny, and she was so fucking beautiful. Nevertheless, he repelled himself. If Waverly knew what he was thinking he'd get kicked out.

"What do you mean?" he asked and she turned her head, looking back at her ceiling. It looked as if it would clash onto them. Jude realized why she had looked at it so much. It was her secret destination. The stars and it was so far away from there.

"It's the theory of everything," she responded and just as Jude was about to speak again, a sound came from Waverly's doorway. Jude adjusted himself immediately to see Waverly's mom with a grim expression on her face. She probably saw how close they were. Her eyes narrowed in on the situation, and the fact that Waverly was still laying down didn't make the scene any better.

"Dinner's ready," she announced, then turned and left the two as they were. Jude hadn't turned to look back at Waverly because he realized how awkward the situation appeared. He was merely aware that if he looked at her she'd know what he had been thinking. Unlike Waverly, who was sometimes stoic, Jude didn't sugar code how he felt, and as of now it was tense. He hadn't known what to say, then his phone began to vibrate in the spot Waverly had placed it. His eyes shifted in that direction without moving his head. Waverly sat up and handed Jude his phone, and their fingers brushed momentarily. He remembered how giddy he used to get when it had been Beverly at one point in time. He remembered how his crush on her had made him feel like a guy in middle school who'd chase their crush around to get her to notice him. It was different now with Waverly. It was so different.His father's name was on the screen and Jude felt his stomach clench.

"You should get that," she suggested and Jude slowly obtained his phone allowing it to ring a little while longer.

"I'll be in the kitchen," she informed him while standing up and leaving the room. Now, Jude was alone. He sighed loudly and answered the phone, gripping it close to his ear—so close that if he squeezed it tighter it would crack in two.

"Yeah?" he started off.

"Judah, you need to come home," his father demanded and Jude nearly scoffed and laughed at the same time.

"Come home?" he questioned humorously. If only his father had known what his mother had really been up too. "I can't. I promised I'd stay for dinner."

"It's not up for debate," his father commanded, but Jude still wasn't going to abide. He couldn't go home. Not today. Not then. It was too fresh. He couldn't even look his mother in the eye without feeling this curdling ping of aching in the pit of his chest, torpedoing through patterns of utter soreness.

"Please don't make me. Not tonight. Just this once," he bargained through a sigh. He could hear the decision-making occurring on the other end. Rash and deliberate. In Jude's way of negotiating it was compacted with intense earnestness. It was as if he hadn't been himself, pleading with his father to stay for a night. It really showed how corrupted he was and how much he had changed since.

Maybe, he had been more broken than he knew.

He hoped his father would feel some kind of sympathy for the words left unspoken. There were a few objections on the other end, but then he finally agreed and the call ended just like that. Jude shut his phone off right after and stood up. He walked over to the map placed on Waverly's wall looking at the places she marked more closely. It was a Waverly thing to do, leaving to discover more. There was always more in her eyes.

Jude continued to skim the wall. He must have missed it the first time, but he caught sight of a small poster with a quote on it.

Some people live to discover, others live to die.

He wasn't sure how long he stood there analyzing the words that babbled in his head—a form of confounded breakage. He lingered there, translucent and thin against the walls that sputtered out calamity. He withered away, not exactly present with himself or the room. He felt utterly stoic, then he heard a voice behind him, and turned to see Waverly chewing and admiring Jude's configured expression.

"Oh, you read the quote," she assumed after swallowing what was left in her mouth. Jude turned around completely, stuffing his hands in his pocket staring back at Waverly. "Can you believe I came up with that when I was thirteen?"

Thirteen? That was fucking impressive. A thirteen year old coming up with a metaphorical, profound quote without actually witnessing the misfortune of it. Unless she had. Unless she went through more than Jude had concluded then. The perched up picture that sat behind him seemed to mean more when she added that information. He let her continue.

"Imagine how accurate it is. Everyone fits in either of the categories," she added. "Which do you fit in, Lockhart?"

He wanted to say the latter because it was true. What was there left to discover for him? Yeah, there were uncharted places he had never stepped ground on. Yeah, there were some moral impacts he hadn't undergone, but he had already experienced the sheer feeling of love and heartbreak. He experienced happiness and sadness. He was going to be a dad. What else did life have to offer him? Was there anything truly left for him to discover even if he wanted to?

"Both," he said with a careless shrug. He stared back at Waverly as she blinked at him. Her expression remained constant at his choice of words. If anything the way her lips curved into a bare grin showed how much his answer interested her. How amusing it truly was. After hanging around Waverly for as long as he had it was the little details that made it known. Like the way she would twist one of her curls around her finger when she was absolutely absorbed in her thinking.

Finally, Jude exited the room making his way to the kitchen and Waverly trailed after him to make sure he knew exactly where he was going. The house wasn't big so it wasn't difficult getting around or finding any of the rooms in general. The kitchen hadn't even been far from her room. It was barely seconds away. A few footsteps in the hallway, then a turn, and he was there. When he entered the kitchen, Ms. Sials was mixing and stirring near the stove. Food was sprawled on the circular table that sat a few feet away from the center of the kitchen floor. There were only two seats near the table. Jude just assumed it was because Waverly and her mom were the only two people who ate there. It made him imagine his own family and their house. Despite it being more expansive and bigger it still felt empty. Here it was the opposite.

He took a seat across from Waverly, clearing his throat and looking around. From his spot, he saw the hallway and on the walls were pictures lined up with young Waverly. The light was off so Jude was only able to see a few of the pictures, the ones that had light bouncing off the glass of the picture frame, illuminating in a distorted kind of shadow. He could make out most of her features from where he sat.

One of the pictures revealed Waverly sitting in the exact spot with a frown as she stared at whomever was holding the camera. A fork was gripped in her hand and she was wearing a birthday hat with a cake in front of her. It was her birthday and no one else was present in the photo. To know that she spent her birthdays alone with her mother made him feel bad. Jude just assumed it was another reason, as she grew older, why she didn't mind the loneliness. Because she had been used to it for so long. He averted his gaze and looked at Waverly who was eating in silence, while her mom cooked.

"You spend your birthdays alone?" Jude asked, leaning back in the chair looking back at her. There was pity when he spoke, a rare lilt to his ginger tone. She stopped eating at that.

Then, her mother said, "Waverly always preferred it that way."

She made her way to the table placing a plate in front of Jude so he could finally eat the abundant bowls of food that made his appetite grow bigger and bigger.

"That too," Waverly agreed. "I usually have family come over, cousins too, but it's never the same. I just had my parties alone."

No one should have to do that, Jude thought, but he didn't say it. He just let Waverly's mom ramble on about her days when it came to having birthdays, then she asked Jude how he enjoyed the pork chop and mac and cheese. It was a new combination Jude tried out because he wasn't used to it. He was so used to eating Mac and cheese as a dinner dish itself, not as a side, but it filled his appetite nevertheless. He told Ms. Sials how much he enjoyed her food. He could get used to this style of cooking, and being at Waverly's house.

Across the table he watched as she laughed, throwing her head back at something her mom said about teens these days, and he couldn't help but smile too.

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After dinner, Waverly left to retrieve some blankets for Jude to sleep on the floor. Waverly suggested that he sleep on the sofa, but he preferred not to. She shrugged saying, "if you got a crick in your neck don't complain to me in the morning."

He then defended himself promising that he wouldn't, and she nearly flung the blankets across her room in his direction. He stumbled backwards trying to catch it. Then, she threw a few pillows and Jude lost his balance, falling into an awkward weird backwards lunge landing on the floor with the fabric suffocating him. He decided to settle there right after, spreading the blankets out to create a palette made of covers on the floor near Waverly's bed close to the window.

Outside the sky was a hazy, dark black rather than a scrutinizing blue. The stars were absent, but the clouds weren't. They flounced and rotated between the rustling branches that stretched up and touched the skyline.

Seconds later, Waverly flicked the light off and made herself comfortable in her own bed. Jude could hear her shuffling on her mattress that seemed lost in the clouds of night compared to his grounded floor bed. He turned to one side, facing the window, and he let the silence empty out the room until he only heard the sound of his own tethered heartbeat.

Then, he closed his eyes but stopped himself because he couldn't. There were too many crumbling tunnels in his mind, like the movie they had watched or the call he received from his parents, or Lincoln's finding. It was so close to the truth. He couldn't sleep, despite the sobriety.

"Waverly," he said.

"What?" she asked and Jude wished he could see the way she had been looking. Serious? Absolutely calm? Completely spontaneous as always. He wanted to hear the sound of humanity, that someone was there and he wasn't talking to himself the entire time, creating an illusion of his own.

"I can't sleep," he stated.

"I can't sleep either," she replied. He watched as Waverly sat up with her head against the wall, looking at him in the darkness.

"About your birthday," he started. "Do you really like spending it alone?"

"No. It was just something I told my mom so she wouldn't feel bad for me," she said in a small voice. "I remember that party Seth had in the sixth grade, and how he invited everyone in our class, but me. No one ever came to my parties. No matter how many invites I had no one came," she said, her voice a croon to Jude's ears. It was quiet, then laid down again, staring at the twinkling false stars on her ceiling.

"Sometimes it was nice to know someone remembered at all."

"December 9th," Jude blurted out faster than he had intended.

"So you do pay attention to details?"

"Only the ones that matter. I remember more than you think, Waverly."

When Jude said that he realized how much he had paid attention to Waverly over the years, despite everything else that occurred. He didn't remember everything, but it probably meant something to Waverly that he remembered anything about her at all.

"That's surprising," she retorted, trying to counterfeit what he said like she always did. "You think you know me?"

"Far from it. I don't think anyone will ever be able to figure you out. You're a paradox, Waverly Clarke. You're full of mysteries and curiosities. It's what I love about you."

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TO BE CONTINUED

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