THE KNOCK ON THE DOOR jolted Saifah to his feet, the darkness outside contrasting the chaos in his bedroom. His suitcase lay open on the floor, clothes in disarray on the bed, and the record playing on repeat. How come it was already that late? After a brief moment of confusion, he hurried to answer the door.

Zon entered, prompting a surge of excitement that Saifah had to contain with crossed arms. “So what brings you here again?” he asked, a tease tinting his tone.

“My need to bug you a bit longer before you leave for those two weeks.” Zon smiled, but as he glanced over the half-packed suitcase, he hesitated. “You sure I'm not a burden…?”

“I'm sure.”

It was a lie. Zon's presence was distracting and Saifah was far from being ready for his two weeks long onboarding trip. But how could he ever say no to Zon's companionship? Especially now, when soon they’d be left with text messages only?

“Oh shit, you've got a player!”

Saifah followed Zon with his eyes. He crouched in front of Saifah's red shelf displaying the brand new turntable and watched the spinning record with awe. When Saifah took a step closer, Zon turned to him with a playful glint.

“So?” he asked. “Who are you trying to impress, huh?” His question echoed their past jokes, something that tickled Saifah's mouth to turn up.

“You were right,” he said after a heartbeat, his fingers running along the edge of the shelf. “It's not like my grandpa wanted them to catch the dust. That’s not why he gathered them.”

Carefully, he slid one of the records out of the sleeve and placed it under the needle with high precision. The soulful hum of Jorgia Smith filled the space, wrapping them in a cozy, jazzy atmosphere. Saifah sat down, followed by Zon, his gaze intense and warm, sending a prickling sensation across Saifah's skin.

If eyes were windows to one's soul, Zon kept his hidden behind sheer curtains. Transparent enough to show the turmoil of his thoughts, too thick to reveal the crucial details. Saifah longed to tear down the veil and see what lay beneath, but the fear was too binding. What if his discovery would shatter his hopes…?

“So…” Zon's voice was small. “How was your date?”

Saifah licked his lips and shrugged. “Basic.” Or rather, had never happened. He turned his eyes away, his lies stinging his tongue. “I guess,” he stuttered in hope to ease the sensation, “I'd rather spend that time with you.”

His pulse rang in his ears, a second lasting an hour. But Zon didn't even bat an eye. “You should've then.”

Zon's words washed over Saifah's body, sneaking around his chest like serpents of flames. He opened his mouth to add something more, but Saifah was faster, “You still owe me a kiss,” rolling off of his tongue.

This time, it was Zon who was taken aback until a bulb of recognition lit up his face. Although his promise after the party was (most likely) a joke, Saifah wasn’t going to let it slide. With gravity, he set his eyes on Zon, and Zon shifted, the corners of his mouth curled slightly up. His figure was softened with a golden glow of dimmed lights, his touch light as a feather.

The kiss was anything but a quick thank you Saifah had expected—their lips moved without a rush, a slow dance reflecting months of their connection. It was as if the time stood still, Saifah grazing Zon's ear lobe with his thumb, their breaths mingled together. Short curls slipped through his fingertips, Zon's hand pressed to his chest. If Zon sensed the lava rushing through Saifah's veins, he didn't seem to mind. On the contrary, he deepened the kiss, his joy sparkling his breathing.

After three full moons and an eclipse, they broke the kiss, Zon's warmth sending waves up Saifah's nerves. The kiss was the destination that fulfilled Saifah for the upcoming weeks. It fed his hopes and soothed his worries. Zon just looked at him—no; he drilled him with his eyes, propped on his arm, full of unspoken thoughts, the silence hanging above them, stuffy and rich.

Not a word spoken out loud.

What if he'd…?

“Is it okay if I stay over?” Zon's whisper surprised Saifah causing his heart to skip a beat. “I get if you—”

“No. Stay.” He huffed, his lips tightened. “It's just…” He rubbed his forehead. “I have to wake up before 5...”

“It's okay. I'll be gone before you even notice.”

Saifah's mouth went dry. The question threw him off-guard as he was getting ready to confess. After all, wouldn't it be perfect to do it now? To spread all his feelings in front of Zon and have a chance to heal during those weeks away? Without a worry of running into him in the city, busy with the training, with little time to think of his broken heart? Yet, looking at those deep, dark eyes, he knew he had no choice but to put his confession on hold yet again.

“So…new job, huh?” Zon watched him pulling himself up to get back to packing his suitcase.

A knot in Saifah's chest shifted, taking over his throat. “I guess it was high time to close that chapter,” he said, reaching inside his wardrobe. “What about you? Ready to,” he cleared his throat, “move on?” He anticipated the answer with fear freezing his blood.

Zon pouted, humming. “Technically, I still have some editing to do, so I didn't even think of a new story. Why? You think I should?” A tease shone in his eyes, but the longer Saifah looked at him, the less he suspected Zon avoiding the answer.

“No, of course not,” he said at last. “I'm yet to find out how this one ends.” He mustered up a smile, throwing his slacks on top of his towel. After quickly scanning his bedroom, he concluded he was done aside from the toothbrush. It was way too early for him to fall asleep, but at the same time he needed to rest. Would he even be able to with Zon by his side…? He looked at the clock.

“Alright,” he said, counting how much sleep he would have left. “Since I have to be ready by 5, I need to get myself comfy. Do you need anything?”

“Nah, I'm set.” Zon pointed at his tote bag, his thumbs up. He clearly came prepared, huh? A soft snicker under his breath, Saifah shook his head.

Changing, he didn't expect Zon to join him in bed right away, yet as soon as he slid under the duvet, Zon followed his steps. They turned off the lights, Saifah's heart beating fast. It was like a dream. He wrapped his arms around Zon, letting their fingers lock, glazing over the mole on Zon's thumb with his fingertip. He didn't need to see it to know exactly where it was—it was one of the spots he liked to kiss the most. This, and many, many others.

“If you had a Tardis…I mean, a time machine—”

“I know what Tardis is, Zon.”

“If you had a time machine,” Zon continued, bringing their hands to his chest, “would you rather go to the past or the future…?”

There was an odd vibrato to Zon's voice, some high pitch that clenched Saifah's guts and made him take it seriously. He closed his eyes, and looked at both choices, the multiverse of failure showcased in front of him.

“Future,” he decided after a moment. Maybe there and then, Zon would finally be over Neo, he thought. “How about you?”

“Future.” Zon’s breath swept over his hand, the confidence sipping through.

“Really?” Saifah frowned, surprised, while Zon nodded.

“There's nothing in the past, I’d want to change.”

There was something in his answer, in his voice, that nestled in Saifah's chest, fuzzy and warm. He recognised it as a sliver of hope, that Zon considered him as his future. Surely, there was always a possibility of him tossing Saifah aside once he got over Neo, but if he looked forward to moving on, then maybe…

Saifah buried his nose in the crook of Zon's neck, a shimmer of optimism rushing to his toes. He wasn't ready to bring the mood down with his sudden truths, but that night, on the verge of his dreams, he was finally able to foresee at least one of his endings being a happy one.

***

“

Zon…Hey, Zon…” A soft whisper spread through depths of his dream, circling around that one meander he didn't want to leave. He fluttered his eyes open, seeing Saifah's face hanging right above.

“What time is it…?”

“Almost 5. My Uber’s here.”

“Shit—”

“It’s okay, you can sleep. I told Day to let you out.” Saifah’s voice was a warm blanket, comforting and inviting. Zon wanted to bury himself in it, even though the meaning of the words was almost lost on him. A kiss touched his forehead, before Saifah added, “There’s yogurt in the fridge. It’s all yours.”

A short nod was all Zon had strength for before the mattress squeaked, and Saifah grabbed his bag. He was half-way through the door, when Zon managed to open his mouth and mutter, “You’re gonna rock it.”

“Thanks.” The door closed, leaving Zon wrapped in a faint scent of the orange flowers and dreams.

When Zon woke up, it was well past 9 AM. The house boomed with silence, full of Saifah’s ghosts and smells. His eyes small and mouth wide in a yawn, Zon loomed out of the room and waved at Day. The guy sat by the kitchen table, coffee and phone in each of his hands. His vibe was definitely fresher than Zon's despite his long night shift at work.

When Zon took the yogurt out of the fridge, Day made room for him. “How’s it goin’?”

“Not bad.” Zon munched another yawn. “I bet you’re thrilled to have the house just for you.”

“You bet!” Day's laughter cascaded around. “Can't wait to have Hwa around 24/7. I swear, this dude needs to leave home more often.”

Zon frowned, thinking how frequently Saifah was out, be it with him or on either of his dates. Clearly it was not enough for Day.

“He seemed like having fun last Friday,” he said instead, playing with his spoon. It was dumb to say, truly, but he couldn't stop himself. Even though Saifah said nothing about the date himself, his record player kept hunting Zon without a break. It had to be a good one, right? Was it a guy? A girl? Did he bring them home? Are they music-heads like Saifah, or was he just showing off?

“Fun?” Day shrugged. “I mean, in the end I kicked his ass five times but I guess he did…?”

Zon blinked at the man. “...kicked his ass?” he echoed.

“Y’know, in FIFA. He sucks. Big times.”

“What about the date?”

“Pft. Date!” Day's amusement bubbled out his throat. “If homie thought it was a date, he needs a reminder he ain't my type.” He laughed at his own joke, a thick chortle filling the space until he choked on his own breath. That was when his face dropped, suddenly grave. “He told you he had a Tinder date, didn't he…?”

Zon nodded, making Day wince as if he bit a sour lemon.

“Idiot,” he whispered.

“So there was no date…?” Morning haze still clouded Zon's judgment, things getting confused as Day kept groaning. He had pieces of puzzle showing in his hands, but no sample in sight to get the full picture right. “What about two weeks ago?”

Day buried his head in his arms. “Mario Kart.”

“And before that…?”

“Listen, he either goes to work, meets you and your-his-whatever friends, or plays xBox with me. I’d be surprised if he had the capacity to socialize more.” Zon's face must've been a mirror of his thoughts as after a moment of silence, Day added, “He's fuckin’ gonna kill me, but let's drop the act, pal. This moron ain't into dating anymore.”

The whole world trembled, forcing Zon to open his eyes to the facts. Like Alice in Wonderland, he found himself in an upside down world where nothing made sense. He looked at the puzzles, some shining with hope, but he was too wary to jump to conclusions. There were multiple reasons why Saifah could've ditch his dating plan. Maybe he was simply tired, the way he always was; maybe it had meant nothing more than that. Yet, Zon couldn't stop the rush in his veins; his blood loud in his ears. Just the fact that Saifah had lied the same way Zon had been about not getting over Neo caused a pleasant tickle at the back of his brain. Whatever Saifah's true motives were, one thing was sure—he didn't want their pact to stop.

Colorful visions blooming in his mind like fireworks, Zon's thoughts kept him on feet for the rest of the day. It was hard to keep it inside, especially since confronting Saifah was not on the plate—not for now, at least, when Saifah was away. Instead, Zon rushed to Zen, pacing around his friend's room, the panic taking over.

“But what if—”

“Zon.”

“No, listen, what if it all goes wrong?”

“You’re pretty much a couple already, why would it?”

Zon glanced over at his friend, sitting on the couch, about to ask, ‘What'd you mean?’, but instead he simply shook his head and went with, “No, I mean something else.” He licked his lip. “You see…Let's say Saifah would be into it. I'd go to him, and say, ‘Listen, dude, I like you, I'd want more but I get you may not feel this way. Maybe you'd never do. That's fine. That's you. You're aromantic. Somewhat. Sure. I respect that. But you still want a relationship, yeah? Then, how about—I don't know—a queerplatonic relationship with me?’” Zon rolled his eyes, seeing his imaginary scenario all too real. “Let's say he would say yes. We're in a relationship. We're happy. And then, one day, Neo calls. Then what?”

“It's different, Zon…”

“What if he calls, and I can't shake it off?” He rubbed his eyes, suddenly feeling like crying. “What if I never will? I don't want to hurt him…”

“It's different, babe.” Zen's voice was a soft, comforting pillow. He patted a spot next to him, but Zon only shook his head. “It's not like you hide it from him. He knows the story. He knows you might struggle. If he decides to give it a go, it means he does it in spite of all that.”

“True, but…”

“You both know what you’d be getting into. After all, aren't you ready to make it work even if his feelings are platonic?” Zen smiled, almost as if he was proud of himself. “I think he likes you enough to say yes,” he stated, “but he won't be able to if you won't ask. So please, Zon. Please, don't repeat your own mistakes.”

Zon took a deep exhale, his head spinning. Sure, he dug his own grave by keeping his feelings to Neo a secret, but it didn't make the idea of telling it to Saifah any less frightening. He might've been too scared to admit it even to himself, but the resemblance of his relationship with Saifah to the one he had had with Neo was crystal clear. That scared him to the core. The more he denied it, the stronger were the roots; a secret of one-sided feelings coming off as a retelling of a story he once had. He closed his eyes imagining that once he'd opened them, he'd have Saifah as his boyfriend and Neo a relic of his past. He let his fantasy sail. He used to do that whenever dreaming of Neo, straying in the bleak colors and elusive figures. Yet, with Saifah, the clarity came right away.

Zen was right. They were casual, but never a secret. Not in the way it was with Neo. Saifah treated him in public the same as in private, never shying away from skinship or flirting. Could he grasp onto it as if at straws?

“You think he’s into me…?”

“Pretty certain.”

“And I won't fuck it up…?”

“You most likely will. But when it comes to Neo, you’re not nearly as hopeless as you used to.”

All of it made sense, Zon had to admit; Zen with his reassuring smile, Day and his irritation at Saifah, even the goodbye kiss on the forehead. He had to confess, as soon as Saifah was back. No more running away.

He plopped on the bed, a stone off of his heart, when the door opened.

“I brought the keys back,” said Nathee, huffing under the weight of a cardboard box. “I think that's the last one.”

“Cool. No rush, though.”

“Did you order the pizza?”

“Not yet. Oh, and don’t forget your feathers.” Zen pointed at the boa hanging on the wall behind Zon, which brought their attention to Zon's painful confusion. He brought his brows together as Nathee snatched the boa and added it on top of the knick-knacks in his box. There was his glitter mirror, a wooden elephant, even the frame with his and Troye Sivan’s picture that used to decorate his room.

“What the…?”

“I’m moving out.” Nathee's revelation struck Zon out of the blue. He must've looked shaken, as his friends exchanged some looks and Nathee kneeled in front of him, covering Zon's hands with his. “Hey, don't worry. Even if we won't live together, your Papas’ won't ever stop loving you. You're still our son.”

“No shit!” Zon jumped on his feet, anxiety crawling his skin. He couldn't stand changes. “It does feel like my parents getting a divorce!”

“Your parents are still together.”

“You’re my parents!” Zon blinked at Zen, only now noticing some dark circles under his eyes. He wanted to bombard him with questions about the details, but it didn’t feel right with Nathee around. The panic rising in his chest, he turned around.

“We're still friends,” said Zen. “Nothing's changed.”

“What he said,” agreed Nathee. “We won't stop hanging out, the three of us. Just not as roommates.”

“But…” But what happened?

Nathee pulled himself up and patted Zon's back. “I’ll take the boxes down and get back soon.”

Zon moved his eyes back on Zen, shaking with questions. The doors closed and Zen shrugged, his smile tinted with sadness.

“What can I say? I took my own advice and made a move. As a result, we’ve concluded that I need some space,” he explained. “At least when it comes to the flat. That’s all.”

Zon pushed his hands into the pockets, suddenly washed with guilt. “Zen, I'm sorry…”

“Don't be. I suspected the outcome, and I don't regret it. At least I know where I stand.”

Zon cursed himself for throwing his love dilemma on Zen without consideration, when something clicked in his brain. “Wait.” He looked at his friend. “How long do you know about it…?”

“Ah, yeah.” Zen scratched his nose, almost apologetically. “We didn't want to tell you before the party, worried you might freak out.” Their eyes met, Zon still expecting a proper explanation. “It was a few weeks ago. It just happened at the most random timing. I swear I didn't want to keep it a secret. Hell, I kind of hoped you would confess after our night out, so I could dump it on your happiness.” Zen's mouth stretched in an attempt of smirk, Zon feeling for his friend with each passing second only stronger.

It wasn’t fair for Zen to put Zon's feelings above his own, yet it struck him with an oddly familiar note. Hypocritical even. Defeated, Zon plopped on the couch. “You idiot,” he murmured. “You should've called me.”

The silence settled between them until Nathee was back, heavy and bitter. But with all the want to focus on his friend, Zon couldn't shake off the feeling he might end up the same.

When he came back home it was raining, an evening full of fog and humidity. His heart was full of worries about his friend, guilty of not noticing the situation earlier. He clearly sucked as a friend, but was it him or was Zen just a master at hiding it? Either way, Zon was the last person to judge. Luckily, his friends were not as awkward as they could be; the only difference was that they no longer lived together.

With a heavy sigh, Zon threw his things on the bed and stepped on to the balcony. The breeze brought the droplets of water onto his face, the rich, earthy scent hanging in the air. He knew he had to confess, that one was sure. The soft pitter-patter composed the rhythm of his thoughts, an image of Saifah and him in front of his eyes. At first, unexpected and unwanted, Saifah was a storm in Zon's life. He brought chaos into the still air of his days, lit up the pitch-black hopelessness like lightning, and showered Zon with a rain of comfort he had craved for years. He was the storm that let the field of dreams bloom again; nourishing him like a much desired mineral.

“Nothing but rain these days!” Zon's neighbor's voice cracked through the wall.

“Hope there won’t be any flood!” said the other.

Zon smiled, taking his phone out. There were multiple aspects he was still anxious about, while Zen's failed romance only amplified that fear. But he has decided. He will confess. He was ready, even if the momentum would be lost, even if Saifah had met someone while being away.

He scratched his arm, suddenly uncomfortable. Two weeks seemed like forever, countless possibilities darkening his vision. He wished Saifah was here. Not because he missed him after one day, not as much at least, but because he wished to have it behind. If Saifah was right here, right now, he would know the outcome before the doubts ate him alive. His skin crawled with each gust of the wind, Zon leaning against the metal railing, looking down. The rain splattered, refreshing and cool, the wet concrete and ground playing with his senses. He gazed at the city, counting to five.

He opened his messages, and just as expected, Saifah was there. His cockiness dripped from the text, an eagerness to share with Zon part of his life clear as a glass. “My group is kinda cool,” he said. “But especially those two.” The attachment showed Saifah with a girl and a guy, all in the black T-shirts of his new company. Zon shrugged off worries and read further, “Daow's super into queer cinematography, while Fiat and his girlfriend are astrology-heads.”

“You have to be kidding me,” he replied, not expecting to hear from Saifah right away.

“I wish. He keeps texting her creating our profile.”

“Does it mean he will tell you your future or what?”

“No clue. So far he only said, ‘Yeah, that tracks’, on me being Pisces.”

Zon laughed, opening Saifah's selfie again. The raindrops fell onto the screen as he gazed at the genuine yet awkward smile that melted his heart. The other two looked nice, he had to admit. He wished it was different, but his chest suddenly tightened with worry. What if one of them was what Saifah was looking for all along? What if those two weeks were enough to bury the chance Zon wasn’t even sure he had in the first place? His eyes jumped from one to another until he shivered, realizing how stupid it was. Saifah worried for weeks about the new workplace, always struggling with alienation in his previous job. He deserved nothing but a bunch of new friends making the hardships at least somewhat bearable.

Swallowing his worries, Zon looked once again at Saifah's face. His smile was happy and relaxed; the way Zon hoped it would always be. He saved the picture and texted, “I’m glad you found friends. Off to a good start.”

And he meant it with all of his heart.

~AUTHOR'S NOTE~

Hi, Dear Readers, thank you for bearing with me yet again when it comes to the wait. This chapter is one before the last one - next time you see me, it will be the end of this story (chapter 17 and epilogue).

I truly can't believe how far this story went, and it is thanks to all your comments and support. I hope you can't wait to see how it all ends, and if you feel like it drop your opinions in the comment section.

It means world to me to have you as my readers. Thank you ♡