PRE-BETA VERSION (0.1)

"NICE DRESS. S'NEW?" Zon had barely entered Soda's place when he noticed her eyebrows turned upwards.

"This?" she asked. "You've seen me in it a few times at least." She shook her head, clearly amused. "What are you drinking today? Coffee? Tea? I've no milk, though."

"Tea it is then."

The two took bottles of Coke and Sprite to the kitchen, Zon craning over the living room on their way. It was strangely empty if one didn't count the black cat on the couch and many house plants all over the place. He frowned. Did he fuck up the time?

"Same as always?"

"Sure thing." Zon sat next to the cat and started to warily tap its head with one finger. "Where's everyone, by the way?" he asked at last. He could've sworn he was late already, rushing through the store for the promised drinks, and yet, no one was there. How come he was the first to be there today? It never happened.

"Oh, they'll be here soon." Soda coughed, pouring hot water into mugs. "Truth time? We told you to come at three, but the rest is coming at four. Sorry."

She didn't look sorry at all.

Zon clicked his tongue, nipped with a sense of betrayal. He knew he should've felt pangs of irritation at best or raging madness at worst—after all, who liked to be tricked by people considered to be his friends?—but taking into account he was, in fact, late, he had no right to say anything but a greatly displeased, "Fair enough."

That, however, didn't stop him from taking his phone and thumbing down a subtle, 'Fuckers.' The message was sent into their group chat immediately.

"Alright." Soda put two cups of tea on the table. "I'm not sure what others will say, but how about we play either Battlestar or Xcom today, hm? Xcom today, Battlestar next time?"

"Hell yeah!" Zon jerked his head up. "I love it. Let's do this." He tossed his phone, jumped to his feet, and grabbed the board game out of the cabinet. "Fuck others; I don't care what they think. It's decided."

"And that's why you're my favourite." Soda's bubbly laughter filled the room as she gave him a wink, his eyes widening at once.

"Shit! I'm someone's favourite! Finally!" He leaned towards her, smiling. "Can you repeat that to others? Maybe it'd make them want to claim me as well."

His half-joke only increased the volume of her laughs, a soft scoff and a spit of her tea. "Oh, Zon," she giggled, seeing right through his words. "I'm sure you're someone's favourite even without my help." Giving him a few pats on the shoulder, she got up to feed her cat. "How's Saifah, by the way? All good?"

The question came so unexpectedly, Zon twitched in his seat. "Hm? Fine. Why?" His voice sounded more like a barking dog. Did she notice something? How? When? He turned all tense, his hands frozen.

But as he glanced up, Soda was peering at him as if he had lost his mind. "Gee, what's up with you?" She wiped her hands over her jeans and sat back. "Just asking. He's your friend, right? I bet you saw him recently; I didn't. That's all."

"Oh, yeah. Right." Zon tried to strike the most relaxed and indifferent pose as he hid behind his phone. "Still hating his job, dating around." He shrugged. "All good, I guess."

He did his best not to wince at his own words. Not that he was jealous, but he couldn't say he liked it either. He would rather have Saifah spend that free time on him. Or in him. Or next to him, with him, it didn't matter; he just egotistically wanted Saifah not to waste his time on others.

"Next time, bring him over—Battlestar is up for six."

Nodding, Zon reached for his tea and took a sip. Despite having a vast choice at Soda's, he always chose the green one with cherries. No exceptions.

Just like everything in his life, huh?

He put his phone down. "Actually, may I ask you a question?"

"Sure. What's up?"

It was stupid, and he wasn't sure why he even raised that matter, but it wasn't the first time the question popped into his head. With Neo's wedding approaching fast, the whole thing became even more undeniable and, since there was no way to escape it, he simply had to know.

"You and Fai are sorta friends, right?" he started after clearing his throat.

"We hang out sometimes, sure. Why?"

He hesitated, looking up at her. "How is she...? I mean...on her own; when Neo's not around?"

"Normal?" Soda tilted her head. "What are you asking exactly?"

"I don't know. I guess I never talked to her, and since they're getting married, I wondered...I wondered, what kind of person she is, maybe?"

"She's alright. Nice." Soda pouted her lips as she tried to find more things to say. "She talks a lot about fishes. And kids."

"She's a history teacher, right?"

"Biology, but yeah. Oh! And she used to be a barista—maybe you could ask her to spice up your coffee one day."

"Yeah, maybe." Not that he really saw that happening, though.

Still, Zon had to admit—even though it wasn't yet completely comfortable to think about it, Soda's words made his heart feel a tiny bit lighter.

It wasn't long after when Nathee and Zen joined them with two bags of snacks—a sign that they could finally set up the table and the game would start. As always, Nathee tried to sabotage a cooperative game, Soda took over the initiative, Zen was constantly confused, and Zon was overly impatient with his friends' tardiness. It was as if they all wanted to lose!

Their argument over the next move continued when the doors opened, and Junior—carrying another bag filled to the brisk—entered the place.

"Ain't I got the right timing," he said, grinning from ear to ear.

"I didn't know you were joining us today." Zon frowned, confused.

"Cause I'm not!" Junior snorted. "I'm not some loser from decades ago playing lame paper games." He raised the bag and rattled the insides. "I came to cook Soda's dinner. Be nice, and I'll let you get a bite."

"Broccoli quiche, yeah?" The girl let him kiss her on her cheek. "I left the dough on the counter."

"Cool, thanks."

"Wait, wait, wait—" Zen cut in. "Since when do you cook?"

"For a while now," answered Soda. "He cooks, I bake."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Zon had to admit, the only memory of Junior cooking he had was when he burned out water or asked his mom how to cook hard-boiled eggs. "You know it's not a shame for a guy to cook, right?"

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Zon realised how stupid it sounded.

"Duh!" Junior's reaction only confirmed that feeling. "Ya' think I'm embarrassed? I just didn't want y'all to leech off my skills. Sorry, but y'alls' cooking's kinda basic. It's like, I'm one Michelin star next to all of you."

He pulled a face and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving the rest to resume their game. They played three more times before calling itf quits, each time rotating their roles, and each time ending up with the same result. A failure.

"I told you we should've chosen an easy mode," said Zen, stress-eating the cookies.

"But there's no fun in that." Soda took the plate away from him. "Go big or go home."

"Guys, she's cheating!" Junior's voice reached them from the couch, where he played on his phone with the cat around his head. "Don't let her win!"

"It's a co-op, dummy. Why would I cheat?"

"Ugh! That's even lamer. I was waiting for your beef to start again." Jokingly disappointed, Junior got up to check on the quiche and the rest cleaned up the tablespace.

"Speaking of nothing," Zon raised his voice so that Junior could hear him, "you're going to that Neo's party next weekend, right?"

"Hm? Ah. No."

"No?" Zon paused, surprised, but Junior only shook his head.

"We're going to see my brother's new spawn," Soda chimed in to explain. "And we stay for the night to take care of the older one too."

Soda snarled that she couldn't wait, and Junior joked he couldn't leave her on her own, but Zon wasn't paying attention anymore.

"So," he started, his mouth dry, "it's gonna be me, Tor, Saifah and Neo, yeah? Cool. Cool, cool, cool."

Zen stared at him. Zon felt it on his skin, but he didn't look back. His palms started to sweat, a reaction he couldn't understand. He wasn't in panic; of course, he was not. It was not like Junior's presence would change a thing. There was nothing to be afraid of, either. He knew that.

And yet, he felt mildly disturbed by the idea of the group being so small. It would be the first time like this, and he was yet to find out how natural the mix would feel. After all, depending on who he was with—Neo or Saifah—he was two different selves.

Two different selves, he didn't want to show the other.

Not even a week later, on a Thursday night, Zon didn't remember those worries at all. He had better things to focus on, a hot breath upon swollen lips and his impatient hand under Saifah's shirt.

"Is it okay if I...?"

"Yeah, yeah." Zon chuckled. "Of course it is." What a silly question.

He yanked Saifah closer and hissed at the fingers sliding beneath the edge of his jeans. Saifah's eyes burned with desire, the cotton fabric teased. Zon was soon gasping for air, his hips thrusting against the hand. His whole body trembled as the shivers ran down his spine, and his smile widened with the heat flooding his loins. Although they were to watch a long-planned film, neither had an interest in the events on screen. In fact, Zon didn't realize it was still on—his mind filled with Saifah's faint cologne.

Both of them lost in each other's embrace, Zon's passion growing as they kissed. With each passing second, they got closer and closer; the brush of their shins and gasping moans. As Zon's hand snaked down the hairy trail, he felt Saifah's smile against his skin, his breath sped up, their eyes met, he grasped Saifah's shirt, and then...

And then, a sudden "Ah."

Not a single one, but doubled.

Zon's groan was a given, but not its echo coming from the screen. Both of them froze, their hands full, only to lose into fits of laughter an instant later.

"Shit." Zon snatched the remote control, his cheeks hot. "Just forget about it, alright?"

He muted the sound and threw the device aside. He wanted to laugh and cry as he settled on Saifah's laps, the other man barely holding a straight face too.

"You know," Saifah noticed, "you could've simply turned it off."

"Oh, shut up," Zon yanked him by the collar as he snapped. "Too late now."

He pushed their lips together, kissing off Saifah's smile. What a jerk, he thought although he couldn't stop grinning, either.

Breathless, he shoved Saifah back on the bed and pulled by the edge of his own shirt. He liked the way Saifah looked at him when he slowly stripped it off, and he liked the way Saifah's body shivered upon the touch on his neck. But what Zon liked the most was how their mouths moved when they met again, a smile against a smile and laugh-tinted moans. It was that amusement that rushed their blood, all the strokes and bites followed by crinkling eyes. And when Zon finally exhaled a content sigh, he plopped on the mattress, his hand numb.

"I still have two hours ahead of work," he said, glancing at the watch. He reached for some tissues and passed Saifah a few. "Do you want to stay?" Please, stay.

"Do you want me to?"

"Yeah. Of course." Zon turned around and fixed his glasses. "You can stay whenever you want to."

Their eyes met, and for a moment, Zon forgot how to breathe. Their noses were almost touching now, and with glasses on, Zon could see all the wrinkles on the other man's eyelid, all the golden specks and blue reflections he had never seen before. Their limbs brushed, and their smiles raised. Suddenly, a feeling of calmness and warmth filled his chest. A feeling that everything was falling into its place.

Gosh, if only—

"A penny for your thoughts." Saifah's soft voice brought him back to reality.

Zon blinked and smiled. "I'm just thinking that I really hate roller coasters."

It came so unexpectedly that, for a moment, there was only silence. Saifah's confusion was all over his face, Zon cracking up as he rolled over his belly.

"Sorry! That was the first thing that popped into my mind." He snorted, half-embarrassed. "But yeah...I do hate roller coasters."

"Why? What did they do to you?" Saifah's eyes crinkled at the corners as he propped on his arm. With his other hand, he started to caress Zon's back, his finger drawing a few lazy lines.

"Eh, it's just that when I was a kid, my dad took us to an amusement park," Zon said, "and I told him I'm gonna lose my lunch—I had like a bunch of cotton candy!—but he said it's gonna be fun and games, and...yeah, I barfed, Zol laughed...Ugh, fathers." He rolled his eyes. "But you know how they are."

"Actually...I don't." Now it was Zon's surprise that made Saifah smile. "My parents divorced when I was little. Not that it's important," he laughed it off. "We're all good, it's just that, yeah...he wasn't around that much. I was way more around my uncle and grandpa."

Zon gasped as the dots connected in his brain. "That explains."

"Explains what?"

"Your records; why you treasure them so much." It was now so obvious, and Saifah's face—its initial perplexity morphing into a warm glow—assured him only more.

He hit the spot.

"Shit." Zon closed his eyes, smirking when Saifah resumed caressing his back. "You're not as weird as I thought you are, huh?"

"Don't tell me you're still thinking that."

"Duh." Zon tsked. "Always. With each day only more and more..." Sneakily and unexpectedly, tenderness crept into his voice, and—instead of a friendly jab—it came out like a confession. The second he heard it, he snapped his eyes open, but Saifah seemed not to notice. His face remained unchanged, and his soft smile was constantly present. "So," Zon coughed, trying to avert the situation, "you and your dad, huh? Don't keep in touch much?"

"Oh no, we're good. We talk a few times a year; he always calls on my birthday—or, well, at least around it. We're perfect."

"Perfect?"

"Yeah. What else do I need?" Saifah seemed sincere in his view. "We like each other's company; we talk enough not to fight but enough to feel connected...We're good," he said. "Actually, I'd find it more bothersome if he called me more often."

Zon nodded, taking a moment to enjoy that he had learned something new about Saifah, before a mischievous shine lit his eyes. "So," he added, "should I call you once a year too, then?"

"Oh, no." Saifah quickly shook his head. "You,"—he poked him with his finger—"can call me more than that."

"Alright, twice it is!"

His breathy laughter arose in his belly, but Saifah only scoffed, more focused on trailing his hand over Zon's back. If he didn't do it thoughtfully enough before, now, he seemed entranced. His fingertips moved across the skin, even more delicacy and precision as he slowly linked the spots. The silence hushed, Saifah's touch dancing on Zon's skin, Zon tuning in and forgetting about everything else.

He closed his eyes as the moves slowed down—one line across his back, one along his spine. Zon swallowed when Saifah reached his lower back, his finger caressing the gently tapped spot.

Dot and the line. Dot and the line.

"Exploring some new constellations...?" Zon asked, biting his lip.

"No," came the answer, Saifah's voice hoarse. "I'm memorizing the ones I already know..."

Suddenly, he leaned in; his lips against Zon's back. He started with soft kisses across the shoulders, then moved and peppered more moles. With the tip of his nose, he touched one mark and trailed a few more imaginary lines. Saifah was in no rush, slowly and gradually heading down. He reached the middle range, left a kiss, and went south with the tip of his tongue.

His lips, tongue, and nose left Zon with a tingling sensation, the word 'memorizing' echoing in his mind. He had no idea, what it had meant, and his fuzzy mind was far from trying to comprehend. Finally, Saifah reached the arch of Zon's lower back and, simply and gently, put his cheek against it.

"I've sent out resumes," he said, his breath brushing the skin nearby. Zon was too dazed to grasp the sense of it too, blinking as Saifah repeated, "I've sent out resumes. To different companies."

Oh. "Hey, that's great!"

Zon turned around, ready to congratulate his friend, but what he saw in Saifah's eyes was nothing else but fear. A great, always hidden, paralyzing fear.

"But what if no one calls back...?" he whispered.

"Why wouldn't they?"

"More like, why would they?"

Something shifted in Saifah's eyes, and—for the first time when speaking about the job—Zon saw him without his usual cocky mask. Surely, he saw it in Saifah many times before, but never regarding this very topic. His sarcasm guarded it way too well, so that even if Zon saw right through its cracks and spaces, it was never articulated so openly.

Today, Saifah's self-doubt was so tangible it almost made Zon break.

"Come on, Saifah." He forced himself to crack up a smile. "Of course, they will. Obviously, they will!" He brushed a few stray hairs from Saifah's face and added with a pint of mockery changing his voice, "After all, who'd be so stupid not to call such handsome and smart guy, am I right? You're a threat to all your coworkers, remember?"

Their eyes met, and as soon as a ghost of a smile twisted Saifah's lips, Zon burst out laughing, his straight face destroyed.

"I'm sorry but—Blergh!" He threw himself across Saifah, his body half-dangling from the edge of the bed. "I can't believe I said that!" He pretended to vomit.

"Wow, am I that bad, huh?"

"Yup." Zon beamed in Saifah's direction, a mix of emotions strangling his voice. The man's fear might've been gone, but not Zon's worry. "You're so bad,"—he half-whispered, snuggling his face into the crook of Saifah's neck—"that sometimes I can't even look at you. You disgust me."

"And you disgust m—Hey! It's tickling!" Saifah giggled when Zon rubbed his chin against his.

"Oops, sorry." Zon pulled away and stroked his jaw. His stubble was definitely thicker than usual after a week of no shaving. "I kinda forgot, after not leaving home at all. Well, except for groceries. I just wanted to write as much as I can before—" he paused. "Before the weekend." Or more like meeting you. "Why? Is it that bad?" he asked.

He hoped that his excuse was general enough not to give him away, and since they had plans, it fitted for both.

However, Saifah understood it differently. "Are you stressed?" he asked, carefully examining Zon's face, and Zon didn't need to ask what he had meant.

"Why? Because of Neo?" He shook his head. "Nah, not really. It's gonna be fine. It has to be."

Saifah licked his lip and sighed. "If you say so." He got up without looking at Zon and said, "Alright, I'm gonna go take a shower, okay?" He took a few steps before turning around. "And no," he added with a gentle smile. "It's not bad. Your stubble. I actually like it. It just tickled a bit. Shave or no shave, I—I think it's fine."

He entered the bathroom, and soon, Zon heard a hum of the shower. Left on his own, he went to the kitchen, a bubbly feeling inside. He felt good about this whole evening, about every interaction they had. Although he knew Saifah's opening up to him meant nothing in that sense, he felt happy about it nonetheless.

About it happening twice, even.

Yes, of course, they had shared many stories before; they had known each other's worries and fears from the beginning of their relationship, and yet...And yet, for some reason, today felt different. It was like watching another layer of Saifah's soul unfolding in front of him—all thanks to their trust and friendship.

He felt special.

Even if that special wasn't the special.

"Ready for the craziest night in just two days?" A notification popped on the screen of his phone, taking his thoughts away.

He scoffed. "I have low to none expectations," he typed to Neo, "so no need to get ahead of yourself."

"Hey!" The reply made Zon smirk. "Soon, I'll be a married guy, no chance to go wild! Let me have my fun while I still can!"

"Pft. What a douche." A deep hum sounded next to Zon's ear as Saifah wrapped his arms around him. "Imagine I'd leave, and you'd mop here all by yourself. Good thing I stayed, huh?"

Zon tensed. A citrus fragrance hit his nose, and Saifah stretched his cheek into a smile. He was clueless that only a second ago Zon was, in fact, smiling. A second before Saifah's moist body hugged him from behind, wet strands brushed Zon's cheek, his nose by Zon's neck, his lips by Zon's shoulder...

Instantly, Zon turned around and reached for a kiss. Yes, his heart was full of that unbearable heaviness, but it wasn't because of Neo. When Saifah tried to cheer him up, his eyes worried and eyebrows drew together, Zon wanted to say, 'It's not like that.' 'I'm fine,' was on the tip of his tongue.

There were still instances when Neo made him upset or when those few pangs of jealousy crossed his chest. That did not disappear, of course. Not completely, that is. More often than not, however, he started to feel nothing; nothing that would make him need that kind of distraction.

Instead, he yearned for Saifah and Saifah only.

"Thanks for staying over," said Zon, after sitting on the counter with Saifah's help. The man stood between Zon's legs, Zon's shirt still stuck to his damp flesh. There were still some droplets rolling down his forehead, so Zon brushed his hair back, the strands around his fingers.

Perhaps he was wrong not to tell the truth, but it wasn't the time to do it yet. He knew that as soon as he admitted making peace with Neo's wedding, all this—their pact and nights together—would be over. After all, they made that part of their deal clear.

"Zon," Saifah started, "I—"

Ping. Zon's phone lit up with another message from Neo, but before he even glanced at it, Saifah slammed the phone screen down.

"Ignore it," he said. "For tonight. Do it for yourself and stop thinking of him."

His hand was still on the phone, eyes boring into Zon's soul. He looked so intense, Zon grabbed him and kissed, nibbling Saifah's lip for a few seconds longer. The kiss wasn't deep, but he put all his feelings into it, his heart beating fast.

He didn't care about the phone at all.

"Still thinking of him, huh?" Saifah asked, and Zon scoffed, a painful void filling his chest.

"You're always such a good guy, aren't you?" He patted Saifah's cheek, biting his lip.

The more he thought of it, the more he knew how wrong he was about his feelings. He realized it later when Saifah was already deep in sleep, and Zon couldn't focus on his work at all. His mind was buzzing with unwanted thoughts, finding excuses not to write in the variety of stupid ways. Circling back and forth between the kitchen, turning the kettle on, only to turn it off a second later, Zon tried to make sense of his crush on Saifah.

It shouldn't feel this way.

Whenever he swirled on his chair, his eyes stopped on the person in his bed, and his mind went blank. Normally, he could write despite Saifah's presence (which was not an option with other people before), but tonight he was blocked.

He remembered his conversation with Zen on that night they were at Soda's. When the two of them had gone to the store, he had asked, "Do you think I have a lot of crushes? More than a normal person?"

He explained that someone had asked him how he knew, because they never had one, and Zen took his question seriously.

"I don't know," he had said. "It's kinda hard to judge since you don't tell me about all of your crushes, but...I guess? More than me, that's for sure. You have that tendency to 'crush' from afar, just look up to them and all, and then, as soon as you learn they are in some way inaccessible, you stop. Almost as if you've never been interested at all. Like, remember Gun, when he first joined the office? You were drooling all over him, but the second we learned about his wife, you just shrugged it off and jumped to that guy from 7-Eleven."

"How'd you know that!?"'

"You're always like that. Always with Plan B, not to get hurt, and you never really go for it." Zen didn't stop analyzing. "I think you like the idea of having your eye on someone, but more like a fantasy. You never believe it'd turn out true. And then, as soon as you see you are 'right', you change the object of your affection. Well. With a small exception that is Neo."

Zen's answer, although irritating, was making more than one point. Which was exactly why it was so incomprehensible for Zon why he still cared of Saifah in that deeper sense, sought his companionship, and daydreamed about him in more than a friendly manner...And he knew Saifah was somewhat aromantic! He knew he had a hardship falling in love and staying in a relationship! Usually, that only would be enough for him to go back to being just sex friends, and yet...

Saifah was one of a few who had slept in his bed and the first of them who Zon truly cared about. After all, Neo had always left, no matter how late it was, and Saifah was always there, wrapped in his sheets, his legs wide open like an upside-down letter Y.

And it wasn't only that.

Honestly, how many times, over all those months, had they had fucked, and how many times had it felt more like making love? How often was it actually because they were horny, and how often did it mean something more?

Zon pursed his lips, feeling a wave of heat upon his face. Maybe he actually did like him more than he had first assumed. Maybe he did like him more than just those flimsy crushes he used to have along with his feelings for Neo.

And maybe, just maybe, that was why it was so hard for him to be okay with their weird pact ending anytime soon? Maybe that was why he preferred to pretend that anything related to Neo still hurt, in order to keep Saifah close?

Yes, it did make sense. With a shaky breath, Zon slid to the bed; a soapy smell overpowering his senses as he pressed himself to Saifah's back. It did make sense, even if it wasn't right. He knew that.

'But if you knew I wasn't sad,' he wondered, 'how often would you stay? How often would you kiss, if not to comfort me, like a worrying friend you are?'

He closed his eyes, bitterness in his mouth. His feelings might've been deeper than he had first assumed, but that didn't scare him off. No. Instead, it made him want to enjoy their time only more. And since it wasn't like he could write, why not gloat in Saifah's presence, while he still could?

Just for a moment.

Fifteen minutes.

Maybe half an hour, tops.

***

Drrr. Saifah moaned. Drr-drr. He squeezed his eyes shut.

A sharp buzz rang relentlessly, a quick invasion and a brutal plunger. He did his best with a counterattack, to protect his dreams, fuzzy and warm. But the more he fought, the more awake he was. And—to his utter surprise—the warmth he tried to save turned out not to be a dream at all.

Slowly, still afraid that it was only his imagination, he opened his eyes. Zon was there, his arm over Saifah's chest, his nose deep into the pillow. He slept. He slept, cuddled to Saifah's body, like in those dreams Saifah often had in Zon's bed.

But this time...This time, it was true.

For a moment, he forgot about the alarm, but only to reach for his phone—thank Mom for his long arms!—and shut it down a second later. He didn't want to wake Zon up. Not yet, at least.

Phone under the pillow, Saifah ran his thumb along Zon's stubbly chin. Objectively speaking, he wasn't the most attractive person Saifah had ever been with. Heck, he probably wasn't in his top five, be it among guys or girls, and yet, the effect he had on Saifah was beyond comparison. Just the fact that Zon was the only one he had ever wanted to be with made him, in Saifah's eyes, more attractive than anyone else.

Even with that saliva on the cheek.

Amused, Saifah touched Zon's arm, making him flutter his eyes open. Not even a second later, Zon popped them up twice as wide, a shock or horror—Saifah wasn't sure—all over his face.

"Fuck," he gasped, a wince under his palms. "I'm sorry, Sai. I was tired and thought I'd nap for a few minutes, half an hour tops, and must've overslept. Shit."

"You kidding me? It's your bed." Saifah stretched, glancing at Zon with a giant grin. As if he would ever mind!

Zon watched him getting up, their stares locked. "I left you breakfast in the kitchen," he said, on which Saifah shot his eyebrows up.

"Breakfast?" That was new. "Are you sure you're not sick?"

"Don't work yourself up too much." Zon rolled his eyes and hugged the pillow. "It's just a sandwich. I couldn't focus on work at all."

"Neo's party...?"

Zon hummed and rolled over; his face sank into the pillow. Saifah got his answer, no words needed. It spoke volumes for itself.

Expecting that the morning light wasn't what Zon wanted right now, he went to close the curtains. The semi-darkness fell, but then, Zon's voice arose, the man watching Saifah by the window.

"I forgot to ask," he said, propped on his arms, "but how did your date go?"

Date? What date? Saifah frowned.

And then it hit him.

"Oh." That date—the one he made up, and that never had happened. "Forgettable, actually." Well, how else could it be? "But I was thinking..." he started, carefully examining Zon's face, afraid of the risk he was about to take, "maybe I should stop with all that. What d'you think? It's not like it's leading me anywhere, right?"

With his heart in his mouth, Saifah watched for any sign, any glimpse or hint that could lead him somewhere.

But then Zon said, "Whatever you decide, remember that you've got a friend in me."

Friend. Saifah's heart sank into the well of disappointment. Whatever he expected, it wasn't that.

"What is it, a Toy Story song?" he sneered, trying to sound as neutral as he could. Zon's words hurt him more than he had thought they would, the bitterness shadow obscuring his view.

He knew Zon meant well, but he couldn't get rid of the bad feeling. Friend. They were friends; of course, they were, and of course, there was nothing more between them. Even if that wasn't what Zon had tried to say, the word rang in his ears like a chorus of a hated song.

However well the morning had started, Saifah was back to the adagio part of his mind's recital, gritting his teeth under the shower. Hot splashes against his skin, he rubbed his body in a frantic movement as if the soap could wash off his thoughts. He wanted the truth to be different, but that was not how it was.

Would it be any different if they met any other way? Would it be any different if—instead of a hookup—they met for a date that very first time? Saifah had to admit, he didn't seek sex, not that day at least. He matched with Zon because he was his type, only later reading his bio and wanting to meet no matter the purpose.

But he highly doubted the date would make any difference. By now, he knew well enough that it was his approach, not people, that made him fail so many times. With Zon (he was sure of that) it would be no different. Even if they had fun, there would be no spark of feelings deeper than that. Unless. Unless—he thought—they would find out they have mutual friends, their laughs making Saifah forget about the date. Maybe then, they'd actually befriend first, and then, slowly, with their friendship growing, they would fall for each other, as simple as that, no Neo at sight and—

Aghr! Saifah groaned, furiously shampooing his hair. It wouldn't change a thing, he realized. No matter the beginning, Neo would still be in Zon's heart, whether or not Saifah knew it. He rinsed his face and turned the tap off, a few freezing drops falling onto his head.

If his chances would've been as they were now, maybe 'friend' wasn't that bad of a word. He stepped out of the shower and noticed that in the mayhem of his distress, he washed his head even though he had done it yesterday. It really made his brain useless.

But being 'friend' really wasn't that bad of an option. After all, he would rather be that than no one at all. Plus, he was more than that, he had to remind himself.

He was a 'lover' this whole time, too.

~ · ~

AUTHOR'S NOTE
Whoever still reads this, I hope you're fine. I had some struggles, ups and downs, but it isn't important. I'm back, and just want to say: if you need it, do find help.

Anywho, in this chapter, we have them both fully aware and yet hiding the truth. I needed to put them into a sexual situation, to kind of break them from the distance in the last chapter and to bring them back into their old dynamics. Please, tell me if it wasn't feeling like too much/out of nowhere.
I'd also appreciate it if you would tell me if it's dragging at this point for you (I have a plan, but as always - I might be wrong, so feel free for honest opinions.)

THANK YOU
to those, who reached out in the meantime and checked on me,
for those, who asked what happens with the chapter,
for those, who simply waited and came back now.
Thank you. It's meaning a lot to me.

PLAYLIST:
The Verve: "Bittersweet Symphony"
BamBam (&Seulgi): "Who are you"
Tricky: "Hell is around the corner", "Broken Homes", "Blood of my Blood"
Ha Hyun Sang: "Heal Me", "Where Are you Now", "Gone Tonight"
T_047: "Ror Sai Rong (รอสายรุ้ง)"