Song: Battle Scars- Lupe Fiasco & Guy Sebastian

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"Code blue. Code blue." I pressed the button on the side to signal everyone that we have an emergency.

Agad na nagsipasok ang ibang doctors and nurses. The patient suddenly had seizures while I was checking for his vitals. When his seizures stopped, his heart suddenly stopped beating. 

"The blood pressure is dropping." A nurse informed me. Tiningnan ko ang medical monitor. The blood pressure is really dropping.

Inutusan ko ang nurse na bigyan ng oxygen ang pasyente manually while I get ready with the defibrillator.

"Charge 200." Sabi ko. Pinagdikit ko ang dalawang paddle at tsaka itinapat ito sa pasyente. "Clear." Then I pressed the button.

Napaliyad ang walang malay na pasyente dahil sa elektrisidad na dumaloy sa kanyang katawan. Tiningnan ko muli ang medical monitor, still the same.

"Charge 300. Clear."

Mamaya-maya pa ay tumigil na ang pagtunog ng makinarya, hudyat na umayos na ang kalagayan ng pasyente.

"She's returning." Ani ng isang nurse. I nodded.

I looked at the medical monitor again. Her vitals are stable. I sighed in relief.

"Make sure to check her all the time," utos ko sa isa sa mga bagong intern ng ospital na ito. Tumango naman siya.

"Yes, Dr. Donovan." Tumango na rin ako at lumabas na ng kwarto.

I have a scheduled operation today. It is not just an ordinary operation na matatapos ng ilang oras, but it is an operation in the heart. Which means, it will take all my time.

Ang saya.

I've been working my ass off for the past forty-eight hours. At dahil sa operasyon na iyon mukhang madadagan pa iyon hanggang sa maging sixty-four hours na ang shift ko rito. Nice, right?

I got no sleep! How am I supposed to handle the operation?

Naglakad ako patungo sa aking opisina. It's not too bad to get some sleep, right? Wag nga lang akong iistorbohin ng mga interns.

Ang iba kasi, hindi nila alam ang ginagawa nila. So, what they do is to page me all the time kahit sobrang rami namang ibang doctors dito na pwede silang tulungan!

Mukha bang ako lang ang nag-iisang doctor dito para ako ang i-page nila ng paulit-ulit?

Umupo ako sa sofa at sabay nipage si Ethan. He came right away.

"You paged me?" he asked when he entered. Umupo naman siya sa tabi ko. "Need anything?"

"Tell the interns not to page me. Ikaw na muna ang bahala sakanila." Sabi ko at tsaka humiga na sa sofa. Ipinatong ko ang aking binti sa kandungan ni Ethan. Tinignan niya ito.

"You're sleeping that's why you don't want them to page you." He chuckled. Hindi ko na siya pinansin at pumikit nalang.

"You have a scheduled operation today." Aniya. Dumilat ako at tiningan siya ng masama.

"Do you think I don't know that? That's why I'm stealing some sleep so I can focus on that operation." Hindi siya nagsalita pagkatapos noon. "What are you waiting for? Tell them!"

Saktong pagkasabi ko noon ay tumunog ang aking pager hudyat na may kailangan sa akin. Tiningnan ko ito. It's from one of the interns.

I groaned. "See?! Tell them now."

Nagkibit na lamang ng balikat si Ethan at tsaka tumayo na. "Have some rest, Margaux. You've been working your ass off lately."

"Tss." Inirapan ko siya then I shooed him.

Finally! A nice good sleep.

I slept for four hours. I know it isn't enough to function well lalo na't dalawang araw na ata akong gising. Pero tama lang ito upang mabuhayan ulit ako.

I woke up in time. Ilang oras nalang rin at magsisimula na ang operation. I headed straight to the operating room kung saan hinahanda na ang lahat para sa gaganapin na operasyon.

I opened the door of the scrub room at nagsimula nang maghugas ng kamay. I put on my surgical mask and started to head inside the operating room.

Agad namang may lumapit sa akin na nurse at tsaka nagbigay ng towel upang gamitin ko sa pagpunas ng aking kamay. After that, they assisted me on putting my surgical gloves on. Isinuot na rin nila sa akin ang foliodress gown.

Naglakad ako papunta sa pasyente. He's asleep now. Naturukan na siya ng pampatulog. Tiningnan ko ang mga kasama ko.

Tracy eyed me and nodded.

"Shall we start?" I asked. Everyone nodded kaya nag-umpisa na ako.

"Scalpel."

I pushed the door open nang matapos ang operasyon. I clicked my neck dahil sobrang nangalay ito. Pumunta ako sa waiting area para kausapin ang pamilya ng inoperahan namin. Kitang-kita ko ang pag-aalala sa kanilang mukha.

Some were praying and some were really anxious.

Nang binuksan ko ang pinto ay agad silang napabaling sa akin. The wife immediately stood up and walked towards me.

"How was it?" tanong niya.

Sinabi ko sakanya ang mga nangyari sa operasyon. Her son started caressing her shoulders. Habang siya ay inilapit ang rosary sa kanyang bibig. I know she was praying internally while waiting to what I have to say.

Alam ko namang iisa lang ang hinihintay nilang sasabihin ko kaya hindi na ako nagpaligoy ligoy pa at sinabi ko na rin sakanila.

"He made it."

The family sighed in relief and they started celebrating. The wife started crying.

"Thank you! Thank you so much!" Aniya sabay lumapit sa akin para mayakap ako.

I don't know if I should hug her back or not. But in the end, I gave in. Ngumiti ako sakanila at lumabas na.

Naglakad ako patungo sa aking opisina para makatulog na ng mas mahabang panahon. I set up my bed for tonight. Nilagyan ko ng sapin ang aking sofa at tsaka inilagay na ang unan.

My door opened at hindi ko na nilingon kung sino ito.

"Hindi ka ba marunong kumatok bago pumasok?" I asked without looking to whoever it is.

"You're staying here again?" narinig ko ang boses ng kapatid ko na nag-salita. Umirap ako at tsaka naglabas ng malalim na hininga.

"Go away, Gio." Sabi ko.

Isinarado niya naman ang pinto at sabay lumapit sa akin.

"You rarely go home now. And now that your shift ended, you choose to sleep here?" kumunot ang noo niya. Hindi makapaniwala na dito ulit ako matutulog.

"I like it here. Now, go away."

"Mom misses you, you know. When will you come home?" nagkibit ako ng balikat at pinagpatuloy ang pagaayos ng aking hihigaan.

"I don't know. Siguro kung walang operation na nakaschedule sa akin. But that's impossible to happen, they always schedule me for operation."

Siya naman ang nabuga ng malalim na hininga ngayon. Inilagay niya ang kanyang kamay sa kanyang baywang at tiningnan ako.

"You go home once a month. Can't you just spend time with your family?" his tone sounded like he's pleading me to go home.

Umiling ako at umupo na sa sofa. Tiningnan ko siya at tsaka humalukipkip.

"You need to understand that my work hinders me to spend time with you." I said seriously.

"Oh, come on! Dati naman kahit na marami kang nakaschedule na operation, umuuwi ka parin. Anong nangyari ngayon?" nagkibit ako ng balikat at tamad siyang tiningnan.

"I don't want to go home, okay?"

Inaasahan kong aalis na siya sa harap ko pero hindi. Nanatili siya doon kaya inangat ko muli ang tingin ko sakanya.

"It's been years, Ate. Get over it." Aniya. Kumunot naman ang noo ko.

"I am. Do you think I'm not?" agad kong sinabi.

Apparently, he also knows what happened. Sa tingin ko kalat na nga ata sa pamilya ko iyon, e. Nalaman kasi nila 'yung pinaggagawa ko noon. The way I ignore my father. And the way I ran after him.

Yeah, stupid.

And ever since, hindi na ako masyadong umuuwi sa amin. I don't know. I just don't want to be there. I'd rather stay here in the hospital than see my father.

It's been two years. I suffered the first year and now I'm doing better. I don't think there's enough reason not to be over it.

I should, right? Because that's the only thing to do. Do I have a choice?

"Please go home, Ate."

"No," He sighed.

"I don't know what to do anymore."

Hindi ko siya sinagot at humiga nalang sa sofa. I closed my eyes. Naramdaman ko namang lumakad na siya patungo sa pinto.

"Make sure to turn the lights off when you leave." Sabi ko. And he did.

Sa wakas, makakatulog na rin ako!

I woke up to someone paging me. Iminulat ko ang isa kong mata at kinapa ang pager ko sa lamesa. Tiningnan ko kung sino ito.

Another intern.

Napairap ako sa kawalan. What do they need now?

Tiningnan ko naman ang oras sa aking wrist watch. It's six thirty in the evening. I can't believe I slept for twelve hours already.

My pager beeped again. I groaned at tsaka tumayo na. I tied my hair at lumabas na ng aking opisina.

Nagkakagulo ang lahat nang lumabas ako. My forehead creased. People are going in and out of the room na medyo malapit sa opisina ko.

"What's happening?" I asked the nurse.

"She's choking, doctora. Hindi po namin alam ang nangyari."

I shoved people out of the way. Nakita ko naman ang isang intern na sinusubukang i-intubate ang pasyente. His hands are trembling while doing it.

"You're doing it wrong!" I shouted at tsaka lumapit na sakanya. I shoved him out at ako na mismo ang gumawa noon.

Inilahad sa akin ng nurse ang tube at ipinasok ko ito sa bibig ng pasyente. They immediately connected it to the oxygen. I backed away breathing hard.

Tiningnan ko naman ang intern na mukhang takot na takot ngayon. I ran my fingers through my hair.

"Come with me." Sabi ko at sabay lumabas na ng kwarto.

"What do you think you are doing?" I asked. Nakita ko naman na pinipisil niya ang kanyang mga daliri. Hindi siya makatingin ng diretso sa akin.

"I-I was just t-trying to s-stop the choking. A-And I was panicking inside. I-I didn't know what t-to do." Nauutal niyang sinabi.

"You almost killed him!"

Mas lalo siyang yumuko. I sighed. Alam kong dismayado siya sa nangyari, kahit naman ako. I just don't want to see another patient die!

"If you will keep on panicking. You will not be a good doctor. Be brave and conceal your feelings." Sabi ko. Tumango naman siya.

"We all make mistakes, okay? Just... don't do it again."

"Yes, doctora." Mahina niyang pagkakabanggit.

I joined Ethan for dinner that night. Pinagalitan ko pa siya dahil ang kabilinbilinan ko walang magpepage sa akin na intern. 'Yun pala... nakatulog rin siya!

Ngumiwi ako nang makita ko kung paano siya kumain. He ordered a lot of food kala mo mauubusan ng pagkain, e.

"Gutom na gutom ka? Di ka kumain ng ilang buwan?" umirap ako sakanya.

"I haven't eaten for fourteen hours. You can't blame me." Then he continued eating.

Kahit naman nung nasa Afghanistan kami, ganito na talaga siya kumain. Akala mo uubusan siya ng pagkain doon.

Oh, wow! Why was I reminiscing our days in Afghanistan?

It's been years! And there's no way na pababalikin kami doon. Not unless, we wanted to.

Ipinatong ko naman ang aking baba sa aking palad at tiningnan si Ethan habang kumakain. I think he got conscious by my stare kaya siya napatingin sa akin habang may kanin sa kanyang bibig.

"What?!"

"I have a question..." sabi ko. Tinaasan niya naman ako ng kilay.

"What if I asked you to come back with me in Afghanistan? Will you join me?"

His eyes widened at dalidali niya namang nilunok ang kanyang pagkain.

"Hell yes!" he shouted. Ang ibang kumakain dito ay napatingin sa amin pero hindi ko sila pinansin. Wow! I can't believe he wanted to go back after all the things we've been through in that country.

Say for example, we almost got abducted by a terrorist. Wherein he left me alone to run away for his life without thinking about mine.

And also, the battle against the soldiers and the terrorist. The explosions! I'm surprised hindi niya pinag-isipan ang sagot niya.

"I miss that country." Dagdag niya.

"So, sasama ka nga?"

"Not unless Erin is there." I rolled my eyes.

Well, he's been hitting on Erin since last year. Eto namang si Erin parang naturukan ng anesthesia ng ilang beses sa sobrang manhid! If I were her, I will notice if he's trying to make a move or he's just trying to be friendly. Pero iba ang ginagawa ni Ethan.

He's clearly showing her that he likes her.

"Okay... Okay... Kasama si Erin. You will really join?"

"Oonga!"

Napasandal naman ako sa aking upuan at sabay humalukipkip. I smirked. This only gave me the idea. Tumangotango ako.

"What? Are you planning on going back to Afghanistan?"

Hindi ko siya sinagot at nagkibit na lamang ng balikat.

I browsed all my pictures from Afghanistan. Kung hindi view ang pinipicturan ko... 'yung mga bata naman.

When I swiped, bumungad sa akin ang picture namin nila Andrew noon. Ito 'yung oras na nagpapaalam na ako sakanila. I asked them to take pictures with me para may remembrance ako.

I smiled. I miss him. I miss his friends!

Andrew just gave me enough reasons to come back. Then I swiped for another picture. This time, kasama namin sila Jaxon sa litrato na 'to. This was taken during one of the soldier's birthday. Magkatabi kami at ngiting-ngiti ako sa camera. My forehead creased. I should delete this. Pero marami kami sa litrato na iyon at remembrance rin iyon kaya hindi ko na ginawa.

Nang makakita ako ng picture naming dalawa na kinuhanan ni Erin sa malayo ay 'yun na ang dinelete ko. We were talking at that time and I was laughing. Hindi ko alam kung tungkol saan dahil ayoko nang alalahanin pa ang panahon na iyon. Lalabas na sana ako ng ospital nang biglang may pumigil sa akin.

"You going home?" Gio asked.

"No."

"Then where are you going?" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.

"That's none of your business." Lalakad na sana ulit ako palayo pero hinawakan niya ako sa aking palapulsuan para pigilan ako.

"Come on, Ate..." His eyes are pleading me to tell him where I'm going. I sighed and gave in.

"I'm going to the headquarters."

"A-ah... Oh..." tumango siya sabay binitiwan na ang aking palapulsuan.

"Can I go now?" I asked.

"Of course!" he smiled then waved at me.

Akala niya naman talaga I'm going there to have some closure with my father. No! I'm going because I want to ask something from him.

Nakaupo ako sa silya na nasa labas ng opisina ni Daddy habang hinihintay siyang matapos makipag-usap sa kung sino mang kausap niya ngayon.

It's been a while since I came back here. Parang dati lang, araw-araw ako dito ah. Kaya siguro ganyan 'yung mga tingin nila sa akin.

Naalala ba nila ako? 'Yung ginawa ko? Do they remember me as the pathetic girl who keeps on running after that captain?

The door opened at agad akong napalingon. Iniluwa nito ang isang sundalo na hindi ko naman kilala. Tumingin siya sa akin. He bowed a little as a sign of respect. My forehead creased. Tumango na lamang ako bilang sagot.

Tumayo naman ako at tsaka binuksan ang pinto ng opisina ni Daddy. He wasn't looking when I entered. Ngunit nang marinig ang tunog ng takong ko ay doon lang siya napaangat ng tingin.

He's gotten older now. Namumuti na rin ang kanyang buhok and his face... I don't know if it's wrinkles or gawa lang ng stress.

Oh, well... It doesn't matter. I'm here for business.

His mouth parted nang maglakad ako palapit sa lamesa niya. Hindi niya inaasahan na mapapabisita ako ngayon. I already decided. Ilang araw na ang nakalipas. I gave myself time para makumpirma ko ngang sigurado ako sa gagawin ko.

At isa pa, I know he wouldn't be there. Hindi naman siya nakadestino doon. Maybe he's back in Syria that's why it would be impossible to cross paths with him. Pero wala na akong pakialam doon.

Kapatid niya lang ang nandoon. Mas maayos na rin 'yun. I'm friends with Kiel naman. Kaya hindi rin magiging awkward. Kasi diba, minsan awkward nang magtagpo muli kayo ng landas nung pamilya ng ex mo!

Ex?! Hindi ko nga pala siya ex. Hindi naman naging kami.

Well, he's just an ex almost and nothing more.

Hinintay niya akong magsalita. I pressed my lips into a thin line before speaking. 

"I want to go back to Afghanistan." Sabi ko which causes him to lean back on his chair and looks at me weirdly.