Song: Let It All Go- Birdy & Rhodes

Clueless

His raging voice scared the hell out of me.

Paano niya nalaman? Who told him? Was it from the soldiers who saw me that morning?

Oh my god! It makes sense now.

It makes sense why Jaxon threw me out of his room. Kung tatagal pa kasi, mas maraming makakakita sa akin.

Kaunting sundalo palang ang nandoon but look what happened! Dumating agad ang balita kay Daddy! Paano pa kaya kung late na akong lumabas noon? Edi hindi na umabot ng ilang araw bago niya malaman 'yung nangyari.

"Who told-"

"Was it true, Margaux?!" Halata sa boses niya ang galit. Nagpalinga linga ako. Iniisip kung anong pwedeng irason.

"We just talked." I reasoned out. Sobrang kinakabahan ako sa maaari niyang isagot. My dad isn't the kind of person who backs out easily during an argument.

"Talked?! You think I will believe that? Umagang-umaga, Margaux, nandoon ka! Anong kailangan niyong pag-usapan at kailangan napakaaga ha?"

Gosh. This is going to be really hard.

"It's... It's..." Hindi ko matapos ang sabihin ko dahil hindi ko alam ang irarason. I'm so lost for words!

"It's what, huh?"

"I wanted to start early at work-"

"Oh bullshit!" Halata na sa boses niya ang pagiging galit. "Sa tingin mo tanga ako ha? Sa tingin mo nagsisinungaling mga nakakita sa'yo? Nakita ko, Margaux! Because they sent me a photo of you!"

What?! How did they? Oh my god!

"Did something happened between you two?" He sounded like he's stopping himself. Huminahon man, alam mong galit siya.

"Dad..."

"Just fucking answer my question, Mari Gauxiena!" He shouted on the other line. My lips started to tremble.

I am so scared right now. Ilang linggo nalang at babalik na kami sa Pilipinas and look how they will welcome me!

I will be welcomed by my father's handful of words. I will be welcomed by his words that it is enough to hurt me again!

"I'm... I'm sorry, Dad..." I heard him sighed.

I did not admit it and I also did not deny it. I said sorry dahil sa tingin ko 'yun ang dapat kong gawin.

It's wrong. What we did is wrong at ako ang may kasalanan noon. Ako ang dapat malagot. I'm the one who initiated.

Tumingala ako para pigilan lumabas ang luha ko.

"I'm glad you did not lie to me. Although you did not confirm or deny it. Dahil sa oras na magsinungaling ka sa akin... Hindi mo alam ang kaya kong gawin."

Para akong nilagutan ng hininga dahil sa sinabi niya. Sa sobrang galit niya siguro sa akin ngayon, kaya niya akong saktan physically. Mabuti nalang rin at malayo ako sakanya at hindi niya kayang gawin iyon sa akin ngayon.

But I need to brace myself with what's about to happen once I came back.

"We will talk when you come back, Margaux." Aniya.

"Okay..." I whispered at yumuko nalang. Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang luha ko. Tuloy-tuloy silang nagsisilabasan at walang tigil.

Ako ang may kasalanan at aakuin ko iyon. Hindi natin alam ang maaaring gawin ni Daddy sa akin. Lalo na kay Jaxon. I don't want Jaxon out of his posistion just because of me. He worked hard for it at ayokong mawala iyon sakanya nang dahil sa akin.

Inayos ko muna at siniguradong walang bahid ng luha sa aking mukha bago ako magtungo sa medical room.

Today is Sunday. It means Andrew's father will come back for another check-up.

Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang kumilos ngayon lalo na't marami akong masyadong iniisip. I don't think I can process properly.

Kung sakaling tanungin niya si Jaxon, will he deny or confirm it? I'm afraid what will be his answer.

I entered the medical room with all smiles. Hindi halata na kakagaling ko lang sa pag-iyak.

Sometimes you have to pretend that it doesn't hurt. Because you want to show them that you're okay. Even though you're far from it. You don't want people to show how broken you are because you're afraid what will be their reaction once they've find out you're broken. You're afraid that people will look at you differently.

They will look at you like you're a fragile thing and that there's no way that you can be fixed. They will pity you.

And I don't want that.

I'm trying to show people that I'm a brave and bold woman who doesn't carry any problems on her shoulders. I'm trying to show them that life is great despite the problems that we're facing.

Because I know, for sure, this will pass. Hindi man ngayon, pero sa kalaunan lilipas rin iyon. But some problems stay. For good. At minsan mawawalan ka nalang ng pag-asa na mawawala rin ito.

That's why I always have my faith in Him. Dahil Siya lang ang nakakaalam ng solusyon sa problema ko.

I sat in front of Andrew's dad and I asked him how he's feeling today. He said that he feels better ever since he drank those medicines I prescribed him. Pero nanghihina parin daw siya minsan.

If you think everything is going so well while I'm checking him, then you're wrong.

Minsan hindi ko na nasusundan pa ang sinasabi niya because my mind is clouded by my thoughts. Again.

Minsan wala na ring magandang naidudulot ito, e. Instead of focusing yourself with work... Here you are! Thinking how will you remove these thoughts inside your head.

"I'm... I... I need to vaccinate you," tumango naman siya. I breathed. I felt my hands trembling.

Stop overthinking, Margaux. Stop. Overthinking.

I clenched my fist hoping that they will stop trembling. I breathed hard.

"This is for y-your immune system, sir. It w-will keep your immune system stronger." I sighed when I felt my lips trembling this time. Inihanda ko ang vaccine na gagamitin ko para sakanya.

Nagaaalala naman akong tiningnan ng tatay ni Andrew.

"Are you okay?" He asked. Napaangat naman ako ng tingin sakanya. Mabilis akong tumango. I smiled to assure him.

"Of c-course." I answered. Tinanggal ko naman sa plastic ang injection na ituturok ko sakanya.

I stood up at lumapit sa gilid niya. I rubbed alcohol on his arm first before proceeding to remove the cap from the injection.

Tinagilid ko ang ulo ko nang makita ko kung gaano manginig ang kamay ko.

"Margaux... You have a patient. Y-you need to focus." I whispered to myself kahit na nararamdaman kong may mga luhang gusto nang lumabas.

Ganitong-ganito ako noon. And seeing it happening again... it's terrifying.

Ituturok ko na sana sakanya ang injection kahit na nanginginig parin ang mga kamay ko nang may biglang humablot sa akin nito. Andrew's dad and I both turned to the person who just entered shockingly.

"Let me do it," ani Ethan. I sighed in relief when I saw him.

If it wasn't for him, there's a chance I can put this man's life in danger. Delikado na mamali ka ng turok sa pasyente. Lalo na kung sa maling ugat mo ito naturok. At kung mamali ako, mahirap na.

I ran my hand through my hair and nodded. I excused myself at dumiretso na ako sa labas. I fanned myself to stop myself from crying. I breathed trying to control myself.

"Come on... Come on..." I whispered to myself over and over again.

I heard the door from the medical room opened. Hindi na ako lumingon because I know who it is.

"Margaux..." Ethan called.

"I'm okay." Inunahan ko na siyang sagutin ang posible niyang tanong. I wiped my tears away and crossed my arms over my chest.

I know he will ask me that. Everyone asks me that every time I feel like this. At iisa lang rin ang lagi kong sagot.

Yes. I'm okay.

Kahit hindi. I don't know what's wrong. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. I just know that it hurts. It hurts and I don't know why.

"I know you're not." He whispered at naramdaman ko namang tuluyan na siyang nakalapit sa akin.

"Then keep it to yourself." Sabi ko. I heard him sighed.

He grabbed my shoulder and he made me turn to him. Hinahanap niya ang mga mata ko pero pilit kong inilalayo ito sakanya. I don't want to look at him. Or to anyone else.

"Margaux... We've been friends for a very long time. And I know when and when you're not okay. And right now, you're not okay. So, stop lying."

I clenched my fist and my jaw. Maybe this will help me to stop the tears again.

Ethan pulled me in for a hug. I rested my forehead over his shoulder while he placed his arms around me. Tinakpan ko ang aking bibig para hindi niya marinig ang aking mga hikbi. I silently cried while he continually tried to comfort me.

"Let it all out, Margaux... Let it all out."

And because of that... I couldn't control myself anymore.

I cried harder. I cried for the pain I've been through. I cried for myself and for the people around me. I cried for the lives I wasn't able to save. I cried for the impact it gave me.

And I cried for him. Cried for the possibility of us. Cried because I don't know where this relationship is going. Or... do we even have that?

I cried until I got tired. I'm glad Ethan stayed with me the whole time. He never left my side hanggang sa dumating na ang huling araw namin sa bansang ito. He stayed by my side.

"Cheers!" Sigaw ng lahat maliban sa akin. Tipid akong ngumiti at pinagtama ang hawak na bote sa ibang kasamahan.

"I can't believe tomorrow is our last day here!" Ani Tracy.

"It's been one hell of a ride." Sabi naman ni Rico.

"A thrilling ride, you say." ani ng isa pang nurse na kasama namin na si Vivian.

I gulped from my bottle. Naramdaman ko agad ang mainit na likido na dumaan sa aking lalamunan.

"Haaay! I will treasure this experience. I will always bring this one with me." Ani Erin.

"Ikaw ba, doctora? Mamimiss mo ba dito?" Tanong sa akin ni Tracy. Napalingon silang lahat sa akin.

Tipid akong ngumiti. "Of course,"

Natahimik naman ang lahat pagkatapos noon. Hindi alam kung paano susundan ang usapan na iyon.

Ethan raised his glass. "This is for the lives we saved and for the lessons we've learned."

Ganon na rin ang ginawa ng lahat. Maliban sa akin. Pero hindi naman nila pinansin iyon.

Inubos ko ang pang-unang bote ko hanggang sinundan na iyon ng ilang ulit. I'm surprised that the alcohol hasn't kicked in yet kahit na alam kong nakarami na ako.

Everyone here is already passed out. Habang ako... Nilalagok ko parin ang hindi ko na alam kung pang-ilan na beer na iniinom ko.

Rico is silently snoring while Tracy and Erin are resting their heads on the table. Ethan is beside me. Silently drinking his beer. Tinatanaw si Erin na mukhang masarap na ang tulog ngayon.

I smiled a little. He's already moved on from me. Because I can feel that he likes Erin now. I'm happy for him.

For weeks, I felt how Jaxon keeps on ignoring me. Mag-uusap lang kami tuwing may kailangan. And that was the most awkward and uncomfortable conversation I had with him. I don't know what went wrong at bakit naging ganito nalang ang lahat bigla.

Tuwing makikita ko naman si Kiel ay ngingitian niya lang ako. Sometimes he will strike a conversation tapos mabilis rin matatapos.

I suddenly missed how good things were going before. Because now they don't. Everything is ruined ever since that night.

I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have let my emotions control me. Because look where my emotions brought me...

It ruined everything.

Sometimes I wish that I feel nothing. Because if I did... I will feel how much it hurts. I will feel how much pain this causes me. I wish to feel numb.

"He's ignoring me." I said then took a sip from my beer. Ethan finally turned to me. Alam kaagad kung sino ang tinutukoy ko.

"Why?" He asked.

"I don't know." I whispered.

"That's weird."

"I know..."

I saw him took a sip from his bottle. Then he licked his lips. Humarap siya sa akin.

"You know... You still haven't admitted it that you like him." Aniya. I chuckled.

He has no idea.

"I love him." I corrected.

His mouth parted. Tila nagulat sa biglaan kong pag-amin. He wasn't expecting it. I think he thought that I'm only capable of liking someone but not loving them.

Well, I thought so, too. Akala ko hindi ako marunong magmahal dahil unang-una, hindi ko alam kung paano mamahalin ang sarili ko.

Then something— someone came and eventually he taught me how to love without him knowing. He taught me how to love all the little things. He taught me how to be grateful for it.

He taught me that love takes time before we realize it. And that's what happened. It took me a lot of months before I finally admitted to myself that I don't just like him.

I love him. I love him so much it pains me.

He taught me things and he has no idea that I am learning. But the only thing that he didn't taught me — is how to keep going without him.

Sa loob ng sampung buwan na nandidito kami, nasanay ako nandyan siya. I may not see him all the time back then, but I feel his presence every time.

Nasanay ako na nandyan siya lagi. Looking out for me because that's what my Dad asked him to do. Nasanay ako.

Kaya ngayon na wala siya kahit alam kong nandyan lang siya... Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Sinanay ko ang sarili ko sakanya. At ngayon nagtataka... kung bakit hindi ko sinanay ang sarili ko na wala siya.

"You... love him." Ethan tried to confirm it. I nodded. Tumawa naman siya ng bahagya. Tila hindi makapaniwala sa aking sinabi. "Wow."

"Yeah... Wow." Nanatili kaming tahimik. I sighed at inubos na ang natitirang laman ng aking bote sa isang lagukan.

"You know what sucks, Ethan?" Humarap ako sakanya. His forehead creased. "I have everything planned."

"I have everything planned and now I don't know what to do with those plans anymore." Tumingala ako para pigilan ang sariling umiyak.

It's true. I already planned everything. I already planned how will I tell my parents about us.

I already planned what to do with him once we go back.

I already planned my future dahil akala ko, kapag ganoon... matutupad lahat. Pero hindi. Sadyang magugulat ka nalang dahil hindi iyong inaakala mo ang nangyari.

See... The thing about planning ahead is that it's good that you're looking forward to the future. But when the future you want to build didn't go as you've planned... You have no idea what to do next.

"I have no idea what I'm doing." Sabi ko.

"We all have no idea what we're doing, Margaux. We are all clueless people." Aniya.

Hindi ako sumagot at kumuha nalang ng isa pang bote ng alak. Nilagok ko ito hanggang sa maubos.

He's right. We're all clueless people. Trying to figure out what to do.

That's why we don't know what to do when we love someone.