Song: Smoke & Mirrors- Demi Lovato

Words

Today is the worst day of my life.

"Dr. Donovan, I need you here..."

"Code blue at room 601. Calling the attention of the resident on duty."

"Dr. Donovan, your patient at room 724 needs immediate supervision."

I just wanted to shut the world up so I could finally live in peace. There were a lot of emergency cases today, and all required an immediate operation. Iisa lang ako na doktor pero parang hawak ko ang lahat.

I know it's fucked up. I couldn't even attend some of my patients because I was busy attending another. Naililipat ko na tuloy ang trabaho ko sa iba. And for months, laging ganito nalang. Everyone here in the hospital is starting to doubt my ability. Lahat sila nagtataka kung bakit hindi ko na magawang mag-multitask 'di gaya ng dati.

Iniisip na siguro nila na tinatamad na ako simula nang bumalik kami rito. They are doubting me because they know that I don't work like this.

I lazily removed my surgical mask and threw it away in the trash bin. Inalis ko rin ang pagkakapusod ng aking buhok at dumiretso na lang sa aking opisina.

Lahat ng nandidito ay sinusundan ako ng tingin at minsan magbubulungan pa.

"She's one of the best doctors, pero parang mas magagaling pa ang interns sa kanya ngayon," narinig kong bulong ng isang nurse.

I stopped and turned to them angrily. Napatigil sila sa pagbubulungan nang mapagtantong nadinig ko ang sinasabi nila. I opened my mouth to say something.

They have no idea what I'm going through and their comments about me are totally non-sense!

Tinaasan ko sila ng kilay. Nagpalinga-linga naman sila at sa huli ay umalis din sa harap ko. I sighed heavily. Tinuloy ko ang naudlot kong paglalakad patungo sa aking opisina. Pagkapasok ko ay kinuha ko agad ang bottled water na nakapatong sa lamesa ko.

I slumped down my chair and drank my water. I heard my pager beeped. Tiningnan ko kung sino ang tumatawag sa akin. Nagbuga na lang ako ng malalim na hininga nang malaman ko na ang Chief of Surgery ang tumatawag sa akin.

Hinilot ko ang aking sentido at isinandal ang sarili sa aking upuan.

He's been paging me a lot of times already and I choose to ignore it. Alam ko namang tatanungin niya lang ako kung kaya ko pa ba ang trabaho ko, e. Of course, I can!

He thinks that I should take a break. But I can't. Break is not what I needed right now. I need to keep on working. That way, I wouldn't relapse.

I just couldn't find my focus. It is always diverted to something else. Gusto ko nang kalimutan iyon! It's been months damn it!

It's been months since I gave up on him. Wala, e, lumalaban ako sa wala. Nakakapagod nang lumaban sa bagay na alam mong matatalo ka lang din naman sa huli.

Well, at least tinotoo ko ang sinabi ko sa sarili ko na ipaglalaban ko siya. Kahit na siya na mismo ang nagsabi na sumuko na ako.

"Stop coming here." Aniya nang makita niya akong naghihintay sa kanya. Nilagpasan niya ako at dire-diretso lang na nagtungo sa opisina niya.

Patakbo ko siyang sinundan. Hinawakan ko ang kanyang kamay para matigil siya sa paglalakad. Tiningnan niya muna ito bago ibinaling ang tingin sa akin.

"When will you stop ignoring me?" I asked.

I've been doing this for weeks. Tumagal pa nga ng ilang buwan bago ako magsawang gawin 'to. Right after my shift, I will head over to the headquarters with zero hours of sleep.

Oo, kahit wala akong tulog pupunta pa rin ako rito, makita ko lang siya. I know it's crazy. But this is my way of fighting for him.

Every time my father sees me here, he doesn't seem surprised. Noong mga unang linggo, magpapadala pa siya ng sundalo para lang sunduin ako at paalisin na ako sa headquarters. He wants me to go home. Pero nagmamatigas ako.

No one can stop me. Not until it was Jaxon who finally told me to fucking stop chasing after him.

I rarely go home now. I spend almost all of my time in the hospital or at the headquarters. Ganoon lang lagi. My mother is starting to wonder why. Even Gio. He will sometimes catch me sleeping inside my office. Kuntento na ako roon. Kuntento na akong doon ako natutulog dahil alam ko pagkagising ko, it's either magtatrabaho ako o didiretso patungo ng headquarters.

Buti na lang din at hindi pa nadi-dispatch si Jaxon patungo sa Syria. Dahil sa oras na umalis siya at ganito ang sitwasyon namin, hindi ko ata kakayanin.

"Until you give up on me," sagot niya. Hindi ko ipinakita sa kanya ang gulat. I act normal.

"So, if I give up on you...you will stop ignoring me?" Dahan-dahan kong tinanong.

"Yes," he answered. Nakikita ko sa mga mata niya na umaasa nga siyang gagawin ko iyon.

I laughed. "I'd rather have you ignore me than have me give up on you."

He sighed heavily and walked passed me. I let him this time. But in the end, I smiled while watching him walk away.

"I'll be waiting here!" sigaw ko nang makalayo siya. Hindi niya ako nilingon. Nagpatuloy lang siya sa paglalakad hanggang sa matunton niya na ang kanyang opisina.

Naupo akong muli sa pwesto kung saan ko siya madalas hinihintay. Umuulan ngayon at inuubos ko ang oras ko sa panonood ng pagbagsak ng ulan sa lupa. Here I am, still waiting. Wala akong pakialam kung pinagtitinginan nila ako rito.

Who cares? This is my choice. 'Wag nila akong pakialaman!

Dahil sa ulan, naging malamig din ang simoy ng hangin. Nakalimutan kong magdala ng jacket dahil hindi ko rin naman inaasahan na uulan ngayon. I rubbed my arms hoping that it is enough to give me warmth.

Pinainit ko rin ang kamay ko. I keep on looking at Jaxon's office, umaasang magbubukas muli ito. But it never happened.

Mamaya-maya pa ay may tumigil na isang sundalo sa harap ko. Tiningala ko siya. Inilahad niya naman sa akin ang isang jacket. Kumunot ang noo ko.

"Pinapabigay po ni General Donovan."

"Tell him that I don't need it." I said and dismissed him.

Kinagabihan, kahit na nawawalan na ako ng pag-asang lalabas pa siya ulit doon ay hindi ako sumuko. I still waited for Jaxon to come outside his office.

Hindi naman pwedeng diyan lang siya lagi diba?

Aalis na sana ako para dumiretso na sa hospital nang makita kong bumukas ang pinto ng opisina niya. Iniluwa siya nito. I stood up and smiled at him when I saw him walking towards me.

"Why aren't you leaving yet?" Malamig niyang tanong sa akin. Marahas niya naman akong hinawakan sa braso sabay iginiya patungo sa kung saan.

Para akong laruan na kayang-kaya niya lang hilahin. But I don't mind. This is enough for me. Feeling his hand on my arm is more than enough for me.

"I told you I'll wait for you," I said. Hindi na alintala sa akin kung gaano niya ako kahigpit hinahawakan sa aking braso. Sa tingin ko, nagmarka na roon ang daliri niya.

"You need to leave."

"No. Not unless we talk."

He sighed in frustration. "I don't want to talk to you, okay?"

My forehead creased. "Why?"

"Just...leave now, Margaux."

"Why don't you want to talk to me?"

He knows that my eyes are asking him to look at me; that's why he chose to ignore it.

"Don't you get it?!" napaatras ako sa biglaan pagtaas ng boses niya. "I don't want you here because I want you to give up on me! Wala ka nang magagawa pa, Margaux! I already made up my mind. I just couldn't disappoint my parents just because I chose a girl over their dreams. And you won't understand that. You will never understand that."

Tiningnan ko lang siya. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Tila naputulan ata ako ng dila.

Hinila niya muli ako para makalabas na ng headquarters.

"Leave now, Margaux," he commanded.

Inalis ko naman ang pagkakahawak niya sa akin.

"No!" I shouted.

Tiningnan ko ang braso ko at nakitang namumula ito dahil na rin sa sobrang higpit ng pagkakakapit niya sa akin.

"Leave now."

"No, Jaxon. I won't let you do this to me."

"I said leave now!" He shouted back at me. My eyes widened. "Kailan ka ba makikinig ha?!"

Kinuha niya muli ang braso ko pero nagpumiglas ako sa kanya.

"Why are you suddenly like this, Jaxon?" He remained quiet, so I continued. "How much longer will you avoid me? How many times will you run away from me?"

"Leave." Sabi niya nang mas mariin ngayon. Hindi niya sinagot ang tanong ko. Wala na rin siyang ibang alam na sabihin kung hindi iyon.

"No!"

"Leave now."

"N-No! I won't." I started tearing up. Nagpatuloy pa rin ako sa pagpupumiglas sa kanya.

"Leave now!" he shouted again.

We are attracting an audience now, pero wala na akong pakialam doon. Let them see! Let them see how the general's daughter keeps on fighting for this captain who keeps on pushing her away. Let them see!

Let them see how stupid I am to force myself on him even though he's already pushing me away. Let them see! I don't freaking care.

"Akala ko ba mahal mo ako?"

Nang dahil don ay napatigil siya sa pagpapaalis sa akin. Hindi siya sumagot kaya nagpatuloy ako.

"Kasi, Jaxon, kung mahal mo talaga ako...hindi ganito, e. You wouldn't do this to me. You wouldn't do this to someone you love! Don't you see me as someone else? Don't you see us as something more?" tanong ko.

He shook his head. "No. I only see you as a doctor and as a responsibility given to me. Nothing more, Margaux."

I tried to laugh. Pinalis ko naman ang luhang tumutulo sa aking mga mata.

"I can't believe you! Ganito ka ba magmahal? You push them away?"

"Yes,"

Sa halip na dugtungan iyon ay iniwan niya akong nakatayo roon. Leaving me with so many questions.

At simula rin ng oras na iyon ay tumigil na ako. I stopped fighting for him. He wasn't the reason why I stopped. Masokista na ata ako at ayaw ko pang tumigil kung hindi lang talaga ako sinampal ng katotohanan ni Dominic.

I was busy wiping my tears away when my door suddenly opened. Iniluwa nito si Dominic na agad namang natigilan nang makita ako.

"Mom asked to give this—hey! Were you crying?"

Kung normal na araw 'to, siguro ay sisigawan ko siya dahil hindi siya kumatok sa pinto bago pumasok. But right now, it's different. Wala akong lakas para sigawan siya. Nagkunwari na lang ako na ang ilong ko ang pinupunasan. Suminghap ako.

"Ugh! This cold suck! Ano ba iyong kailangan mo?" I asked him. Kumunot naman ang noo niya at saka dirediretsong pumasok sa loob ng kwarto ko.

He sat next to me on my bed. Tumabi naman ako nang kaunti para makaupo siya.

"There's a difference between someone who has colds and someone who has swollen eyes. You're a doctor you should know that." Aniya.

Umiling ako at tiningnan ang dala niya. Tinuro ko iyon at nagtataka siyang tiningnan. Bumaba ang tingin niya roon at saka naalala ang pakay niya.

"Oh! Sabi ni Mommy nalabhan na raw iyan. Kaya magagamit mo na rin ulit bukas." Iniabot niya sa akin ang medical coat ko.

It was stained by a coffee yesterday. I was super careless that time dahil wala ako sa sarili. At hindi ko namalayan na tatama na pala ako sa pader. Luckily, ito lang ang inabot ko.

"Thanks," sabi ko at pinatay na ang usapan.

Inabala ko muli ang sarili sa pagpapahid ng luha ko. Minsan ay nagkukunwari pa akong sinisipon para talaga hindi niya mahalata na totoo ngang umiiyak ako.

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa akin. Nagulat naman ako nang bigla niyang agawin sa akin ang tissue box ko. Kumuha siya ng ilang piraso bago ilahad sa akin ito.

"Cry."

"What?"

"Get it and cry. Hindi ka pa tapos umiyak 'di ba? Finish it."

Bumaba naman ang tingin ko sa kamay niyang naglalahad sa akin ng tissue. Umiling ako at kinuha ito.

"Sige na. Makakalabas ka na," tiningnan ko ang orasan at nakita kong alas nuwebe na. "Late na oh! May pasok ka pa bukas. Baka ma-late kayo ni Fel."

Umiling siya at hinihintay akong ibuhos ang lahat. There's no way I'm going to cry in front of him!

"I don't mind."

Inirapan ko naman siya. Umusog naman akong muli para makatabi na siya nang tuluyan sa akin. Ipinatong niya ang magkabila niyang paa sa aking kama at saka isinandal ang sarili.

Guess I couldn't do anything to make him leave. I'm too tired. Sobrang pagod ako na pati pakikipagaway sa kanya, na siyang mismong madalas naming gawin noon ay hindi ko magawa ngayon.

My whole body started to tremble when I remembered what happened last night. Dominic looks alerted because of it, so he quickly grabbed another piece of tissue for me.

I laughed in between my cries. Until it became real cries. I can't believe I was breaking down in front of my brother. He put his arms around me and hugged me tight while I cried my heart out.

Oh, how I wish he did this to me a long time ago. When I truly needed it. Hindi ngayon. Ngayon na sanay na ako mag-isa. Sanay na akong hindi maghanap ng kalinga galing sa kanila.

Nasanay na ako.

"It's because of the Captain, right?" He asked. Nilingon ko naman siya.

"How did you know?"

Kinuha ko ang tissue na kakakuha niya lang at pinalis ang luha sa aking mga mata.

"Kuya Aiden told me." Bahagya akong natawa sa sinabi niya.

"Sa 'yo pa talaga niya sinabi ha?"

Nabalot kami ng katahimikan. I like this kind of silence. A silence that soothes you. A silence that you know there's someone beside you who's going to listen.

"Love isn't supposed to hurt, right?" I asked him.

I know it's weird to ask my seventeen-year-old brother about this. Wala pa naman siyang kaalam-alam sa mga bagay na ganito, e. But I just needed someone to listen. I need it to let it out.

I kept on remembering Leila's words. Hanggang ngayon pinanghahawakan ko iyon. In times like this, lagi na lang pumapasok sa isip ko iyon. It somehow helped me.

"Love is supposed to hurt if it's real. Because sometimes...the ones who love us destroy us." mabilis akong napalingon sa kanya. I can't believe that these words came out of my brother's mouth.

Siguro masyado ko siyang minaliit. Minsan kung sino pa ang mas bata sila pa iyong mas maraming nasasabi.

"Alam mo ba, narinig ko iyong sinabi mo kay daddy." Kumunot ang noo ko sa kanya, hindi alam kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin. "That all that you did was to do something for him, and you were barely doing anything for yourself."

My mouth parted. How did he know? Nag-set up ba siya ng recorder sa loob ng opisina ni Daddy? He's capable of doing that! He's that weird.

"How did you know?" tanong ko.

"I was outside. Inutusan ako ni Mommy na dalhin 'yong inihanda niya para kay Daddy. And before I could even enter his office, I heard you yelling. I know eavesdropping is bad. But I just couldn't find a reason to not listen. Then I saw that Captain walked out of Dad's office." agad naman siyang nakabawi nang mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko. "Don't worry. He did not see me."

So, I let him continue.

"He was devastated, you know. I can see that he regrets what he did. But I think he's a man of his words, kaya siguro, he chose to do what he did to you. At iyon na nga... that where I heard you. I heard you telling Dad about all your grudges. And I'm sorry, ate. For not being there for you. We are supposed to be the ones to know all those things, but... we are just too blind to see it. We are blinded by our own happiness that we did not notice that one of us is hurting."

Parang may nagbara sa aking lalamunan dahil sa mga sinasabi niya. Inamin niya rin sa akin na napakiramdaman niya na ganoon nga ang nararamdaman ko lalo na nang mag-panic ako dahil nabuksan niya ang laptop ko noon.

Sabi niya, hindi ganoon ang magiging reaksyon ko kung wala akong tinatago. And he felt that there's something inside that laptop that I don't want to share.

"Ate, stop running after him. You deserve more than that." His eyes soften. He wiped my tears away. "You deserve someone who will choose you. Someone who will fight for you."

"Are you saying that I don't deserve him?" I laughed to lighten up the mood.

"No. What I'm saying is, you've fought long enough that you deserve someone who would do the same."

And that's it. That's all it takes to make me give up on him. These words from my brother are enough to tell me I'm tired. That it's stupid to run after Jaxon.

Matagal bago ko nakalimutan ang nangyari. What happened just affects me so much. It affects my whole system that everyone around me thinks I'm angry even though I'm not.

"Gosh! Why wouldn't they let me enter the operating room? Wala naman akong ginagawa roon except to take down notes and ask some necessary questions," reklamo ni Brittany. I rolled my eyes.

Apparently, she's an intern here in our hospital. Dito ang napili niya kahit na sa States niya kailangan kompletuhin ang kanyang internship. Well, she has the money kaya malaya niyang gawin ang gusto niya.

"And you see the pregnant woman a while ago? I think the OB-Gyn did not check her thoroughly and I think she has less-"

She stopped rambling, nang tumigil ako sa paglalakad at hinarap siya.

"You know why they don't want you to enter the operating room? It's because you can't shut up your mouth! You are disturbing the surgeons from doing their work! Mabuti sana kung ikaw 'yong intern na assigned doon, e. Then it's okay for you to ask those questions! Pero hindi. Your job was to stand there on the side and to keep quiet while you take down notes. But look what you did? You kept on rambling until everyone from the operating room lost their focus! At anong nangyari sa pasyente ko? She went into an arrest! Because I lost focus. Because of you. And don't you dare question the ability of Dr. Ramirez. She knows what she's doing."

Her jaw dropped at my sudden explosion. I'm just so tired of hearing her continually ramble unnecessary things. Nakakabingi na! Minsan wala na sa lugar.

I also realized that we attracted an audience because of that. Anyone who passes by looks at us weirdly. Tila nagugulat at naguguluhan sa nangyayari. Pero wala pa rin akong pakialam. Aren't they also tired of her non-stop mouth?

"But, Margaux, she's-"

"The baby is okay, if that's what you're worried about. And so is the mother. Baka nakakalimutan mo mas matagal na siya rito kaysa sa 'yo... You're still an intern. She has a higher position than you."

"Gosh! Margaux, why are you siding her? I know you know that there's something wrong. At isa pa, I'm your cousin. You should be siding me!"

"In medicine, we side no one, not even our family. And right now, Brittany, you are my intern and I am your resident, so it means I am your boss. And as your boss, your job is to follow me and to shut the hell up!" I yelled at her.

Nanlaki naman ang mga mata niya. "Okay! Chill. Goodness, Margaux loosen up!"

Napapikit na lang ako at sabay nagbuga ng malalim na hininga. "I'm sorry. I'm just so stressed out lately."

"I don't know what's happening, but it's definitely affecting you a lot." She rolled her eyes at me and sneered annoyingly at me.

I bit my lip and shook my head. Para hindi na lumala 'tong away namin, iginiya ko na lang siya sa susunod naming trabaho.