Song: In My Veins- Andrew Belle

Tired

Kinaumagahan ay maaga kaming pinatawag ni Jaxon. I was exhausted to even get out of bed! Kung hindi lang talaga kami minamadali hindi talaga ako tatayo sa higaan.

I sighed as I remembered how I cried myself to sleep last night when I remembered everything that happened in the past...

"No, Margaux! You will go to medical school, and you can't do anything about it! My decision is final. Subukan mong suwayin ako... hindi mo magugustohan ang gagawin ko." My father raised his voice at me.

Nagmamakaawa ako kay Daddy na hayaan akong piliin ang gusto kong kurso pero hindi niya ako hinayaan. He wants me to pursue medicine.

My siblings just watched me get scolded by our father. Even my mom can't do anything about it. Hindi nila ako maipagtanggol man lang.

All of them were scared of him. All of them don't want to start an argument with him. And on that same day, I realized that no one wants to be with me in times like this.

No one wants to save me from my problems. No one wants to tell me that...

"It's going to be alright. It will get better."

"We're here for you..."

No one...and the result...Mari Gauxiena Donovan suffered from depression.

My mom thinks I'm normal. But the truth is, I am far from it. I am far from normal. I don't even feel normal most of the time. I couldn't last a day before without breaking. I couldn't sleep at night thinking how I would overcome this problem.

Wala akong makapitan. Wala akong masabihan. I clearly have no one. Kasi wala rin namang gustong tumulong sa akin.

Going to medical school while you're suffering from depression is the hardest thing to do. As much as you want to pass your exams and focus on your studies, you just can't. Depression is stopping me from doing it.

Overthinking and anxiety sucks. That's also the reason why I failed too many times.

"Estupida, Gauxiena! May mukha ka pa talagang maihaharap sa akin pagkatapos mong bumagsak!" My dad slapped me so hard that I couldn't do anything but cry.

"Anong inuuna mo ha? Paglalandi? Paghahanap ng boyfriend?! Bawian mo 'to sa lalong madaling panahon!" Tinuro niya sa akin ang mga grades ko.

No, Dad... I'm failing because of you. You put me into this. You put me in the position where I can't do anything but follow your orders. I'm not failing because I have other things that I prioritize. Wala akong oras para doon.

Kung kaya ko lang sabihin iyon ay ginawa ko na. But then again, saying that only means that he will only hurt me again.

My mom and my siblings didn't do anything about it again. They just watched me suffer under my father. They just watched me get physically, emotionally, and mentally wrecked by him.

I have no one except for myself. Pero minsan, pati sarili ko nawawala ko na rin. I always contradict myself every time I have to make a decision. I couldn't decide for myself. I feel like I always have to depend on my father. Tutal siya na rin naman lagi ang gumagawa ng desisyon para sa akin, e.

Kaya naman ang ginawa ko para makabawi sa bagsak kong grades ay pinag-igihan ko nang husto ang pag-aaral. I suffered from insomnia as well because of that. Madalas kasi ay hindi na kumpleto ang tulog ko.

I will go to school with an hour or two of sleep. Iyon na ang pinakamahaba. Kape na lang ang bumubuhay sa akin ng mga oras na iyon. Pero kahit kape sinusukuan ako...

Nag-palpitate ako sa school. Only Ethan knows about it. I was immediately rushed to the hospital, and I stayed there for days without anyone knowing. Except for Ethan. Siya ang kasama ko roon magdamag.

I missed a lot of paper work and exams because of that. Nang gumaling...I came back to my sleepless nights.

I suffered a lot in medical school. So when I graduated on the right time, even with my failing grades from before, I didn't feel satisfied. Graduating from medical school was pure pressure. Ayaw kong masaktan na naman muli nang dahil lang hindi ko kasabay gru-mad-uate ang batchmates ko.

"Congratulations, Margaux!" My dad hugged me. I couldn't smile back at him. I had to force myself to.

"Thanks, Dad." I whispered.

Not long enough, I took the Physician Licensure Examination. I was actually surprised to be the topnotcher! Hindi ko inakala na mangyayari 'yon. I was so scared and anxious while reviewing for the exam. Akala ko hindi ako papasa.

And for the first time ever, I saw how proud my father was of me. He keeps on smiling at me while I take my oath as a doctor.

At simula noon, tinanggap ko na. Tinanggap ko na hindi ko kailanman matutupad pa ang totoong pangarap ko. Na kahit kailanman, hindi nila malalaman ang lahat ng pinagdaanan ko para marating kung nasaan ako ngayon.

I pretended to be happy even when I'm not.

Simula rin noon ay tinanggap ko kung paano ako pakitunguan ni Daddy. I have long forgiven him for what he did. He just wants me to reach the top, and I understand that as his child.

But depression didn't stop there. Nagtrabaho ako, kumita, nakilala sa buong Pilipinas. Pero hindi nila alam na ang taong kinikilala nila ay may matinding pinagdadaanan.

People think that forgetting is easy. That getting over depression is easy. But it's not. Depression will make you feel like there's no way out. It's like you're trapped in your own thoughts.

I tried to stop thinking. But it doesn't work.

That's why I couldn't give them what they wanted from me. Ang natatanging kagustuhan lang na naibigay ko pabalik ay ang kagustuhan ni Daddy. I couldn't even give something back for myself. I couldn't even give myself the love I deserved...

"Doktora!" Narinig kong sigaw ni Erin nang makita akong lumabas ng kwarto ko.

Everyone turned their heads towards me. I'm surprised everyone is present and already awake. Kahit si Ethan ay nandito na rin. Agad siyang nag-iwas ng tingin nang magkatinginan kami.

It's five-thirty in the morning, and everyone's already energetic. Anong mga nakain ng mga 'to?

From the corner of my eyes, I saw Jaxon looking at us. May inutos siya sa kapwa niya sundalo bago muli bumaling sa akin.

"Kasama ba ang lahat sa team mo?"

Nagulat ako sa biglaan niyang pagtatagalog. He speaks english all the time na ang weird niyang pakinggan mag tagalog!

"Uh...I don't know. If they want to, puwede naman." Sabi ko.

"Your dad wants to ask how you are doing."

I raised a brow. Why is he the one asking me that and not my father?

"Tell him to call me instead. There's no need to direct it to someone else. Thanks."

Nilagpasan ko siya at sumama na sa team ko. We are going to the critical area again today. Madami pa rin ang hindi nare-rescue at ang sabi sa amin ay mas dumadami na raw ang terorista.

They are slowly trying to invade the area, and maybe—not long enough—they could also try and invade our space. Which I hope won't happen.

Kaya mas madaming sundalo rin ang kasama ngayon. I rode the same car as Jaxon and Ethan. I stayed quiet all throughout the ride. Wala naman akong kailangang sabihin. It's better to just keep my mouth shut.

I suffered from insomnia again last night. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking. Kaya hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog na pala ako sa byahe.

Nagising na lamang ako at nakitang buhat na ako ni Jaxon. I roamed my eyes around the place. We're already here.

Nalipat ang tingin ko sa kanya. He's carrying me in a bridal style. Ang ibang sundalo ay nagagawi ang tingin sa amin. Siguro akala nila isa ako sa mga na-rescue, pero ang totoo talaga ay nakatulog lang ako at hindi ko namalayan na nabuhat na niya ako.

"Put me down now. I can walk." I requested, pero hindi niya sinunod iyon. Nagpatuloy parin siya sa paglalakad habang buhat ako.

Nilapag niya ako sa isang stretcher. Mukha na talaga akong ni-rescue sa ginagawa niya. I have no signs of bruises! Kaya bakit ang weird tumingin sa akin ng iba kong co-doctors?

"If you're exhausted to do any work today, please don't push yourself." Aniya at tiningnan ako nang maigi.

Dahan-dahan akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya. Why does he sound like he cares for me?

I gulped and nodded. Being exhausted is not an excuse not to do work. Ayaw kong nagpapahinga lang ako rito habang ang iba kong kasama ay sumasagip at nag gagamot ng mga sugatan.

Kung may mas pagod dito, 'yun ay ang mga sundalong nakikipaglaban. Kaya wala akong rason para hindi kumilos ngayon.

I feel like Jaxon is checking on me every single time. Sa tuwing mapupunta siya sa tent naming mga doktor ay para bang hinahanap niya ako lagi. Hindi naman sa delulu ako pero...

Madalas niya akong tanguan kapag nakitang nakatingin na rin ako sa kanya. It feels weird to know that someone is trying to check on me every time. I mean, there's no need naman kahit pa utos ni Daddy iyon.

"It's fine. I can work." I said to assure him. "Kulang lang ako sa tulog pero kaya ko."

Nagpakawala siya ng malalim na hininga. Wala na siyang nagawa dahil tumayo na ako at naghanda nang tumulong sa iba pang mga doktor.

Kasalukuyan kong ginagamot ang sugat ng isa sa mga na-rescue rito. Nabagsakan daw siya ng bakal at medyo napuruhan ang kanyang binti kaya kailangan niya ng wheelchair. Malalim rin ang sugat sa kanyang hita na kailangan pang bigyan ito ng stitches.

Everyone from my team is working hard. Lahat ata kami ay pagod pero wala ni isa sa amin ang sumusuko. Madami pa ang nangangailangan ng tulong namin. Ngayon pa ba kami magba-back out?

Nang matapos kong gamutin ang isa ay agad kong dinaluhan ang isa pang kakadala lang dito. The woman is having a hard time breathing. Agad ko siyang nilagyan ng oxygen.

"What happened?" I asked Erin.

"Dok, na-trap po sila sa isang tunnel. Madami pa po sila pero siya po ang may pinaka kailangan ng tulong."

"Breathe, Ma'am. It's okay." I continued pumping air hanggang sa mag-normalize na ang hininga niya.

I sighed in relief. Napaupo na lang ako sa tabi nang maalala ko ang kapatid ni Andrew. The only victim that I wasn't able to save.

I shook the thought away. Mas pinagtuunan ko na lamang ng pansin ang mga pasyente rito. Ang iba ay dineretso na sa lugar namin habang ang iba naman ay ginagamot pa rito.

Halos lahat kami ay napasigaw nang makarinig kami ng isang pagsabog. I figured that the explosion is near our site dahil sa sobrang lakas ng tunog nito. Muntikan na akong mabingi.

Everyone started panicking, kaya nagkakagulo rito sa tent. A lot of children are crying, too. Ang iba naman ay takot na takot sa posibleng mangyari.

"Everybody stay calm!" Sigaw ng isa sa mga sundalo.

Nakailang ulit pa siya sa pagsabi noon, pero hindi siya sinunod ng kahit sino. Everybody continued to panic. Ang iba ay nagtakbuhan pa sa labas. Walang ideya na mas magulo kung lalabas pa sila. Sa sobrang pagkakagulo ng mga tao, it turned into a riot.

May nakita akong bata na nadapa. Hindi siya kapansin pansin dahil sa liit niya. He couldn't stand on his own two feet dahil sa mga nagtatakbuhang tao. Tumakbo ako patungo sa kanya upang tulungan siyang makatayo. I shoved people out of the way para madaluhan ko agad iyong bata.

Agad na namuo ang sugat sa kanyang pisngi at binti dahil na rin sa kaguluhang naganap. Binuhat ko siya at humanap ng mas ligtas na lugar para roon ko siya dadalhin. Habang dinadala ko ang bata sa mas ligtas na lugar ay nakita ko si Jaxon na kakapasok lang sa tent. He's shoving people out of his way and roaming his eyes around the room like he's looking for someone.

Hindi ko na siya pinansin pa uli. Ang importante ngayon ay maligtas ko itong bata. The kid keeps on crying, iniinda ang sakit ng kanyang mga sugat.

"Don't worry, baby...doctor will clean up your wounds, okay? Let me just find a safe place to stay." Alu ko sa bata.

Dala-dala ko rin ang medical bag ko kaya hindi ko na kailangan pang humagilap ng medical kits sa kung saan. It will only take me time, lalo na't gulong-gulo na ang buong tent.

We heard another explosion. This time, it's nearer. Parang may mga body cavity bomb dito. I was panicking inside.

Paano kung sa lugar kung saan ko siya dadalhin ang susunod na pag-sabog?

I hesitate for a moment. Ayos lang na mawala na ako ngayon, pero huwag lang 'tong bata na ito. I already experienced a lot of things habang ang batang ito ay marami pang kailangang matutunan.

Tumalikod ako at hahanap na sana ng ibang dadaanan ng mabunggo ako sa isang sundalo. Inangat ko ang tingin ko sa kanya.

Jaxon is looking down on me. I know he is a sophisticated soldier who can accomplish anything in the blink of an eye. He got us out of the tent, and he brought us to a safer place. Nakakarinig ako ng palitan ng bala sa pagitan ng mga sundalo at terorista.

Tinakpan ko ang tainga ng bata para hindi niya marinig iyon. These sounds will only remind him how terrible his past will be if we don't save him.

Hinihintay na lang namin ang pagdating ng sasakyan para makaalis na kami rito. Napapikit ako sa sobrang takot na nararamdaman. Napamulat na lamang akong muli ng mata nang marinig ko ang iyak ng isang ina na para bang may hinahanap.

"Jules!" Sigaw nito. "Jules!"

Umiiyak ang ina habang inililibot ang kanyang tingin sa buong lugar.

"Mama?" I heard the kid speak. "Mama!" He cried.

Lumingon ako sa nanay at nakitang nakatingin na siya sa amin. She ran towards us and cried harder when she saw her son. Kinuha niya ito sa akin at niyakap ito nang mahigpit.

"Thank you so much, Sir. Thank you so much, Ma'am." Sabi niya sa amin ni Jaxon.

Tonight, I saw how messed up the world is. I saw how a mother cried for her lost child. I saw how families cried when they found out that one of their members couldn't make it for another day.

I saw how many people suffered from this war. I saw how many soldiers willingly sacrificed their lives just to save the people.

And here I am. I feel like I've done nothing like them. I feel useless every time I think of it. All that I'm capable of is saving their lives, and sometimes I couldn't even do it.

Napakasimpleng bagay kung iisipin. Pero mahirap gawin.

Jaxon moved closer to me. I felt his hand brush my back. He didn't say anything. Pagod ko namang isinandal ang noo ko sa balikat niya. I couldn't think straight. I am still overwhelmed with fear na pati ang ginagawa ko ay hindi ko na pinagiisipan pang mabuti.

Huli na bago ko pa bawiin ang ginawa ko dahil naramdaman ko ang paglapat ng kanyang kamay sa aking likod.